mac12 Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 (edited) Hey, all! My wife and I are long distance due to Military, but only a few states away. She's 15 weeks now, due 03DEC! We're both so excited. Last few weeks, though, she's felt distant. Working long hours, constant schedule changes due to work, etc. She even went to visit family 2 weekends ago, and they kept her out at a bar till almost 4am and used her as a DD. She texted me at 3am that night because they were so drunk she just sat at the bar on her phone while all the shenanigans took place. I know her hormones are raging, mood swings, juggling a full time job and having to do everything on her own, it's hard. She's been diagnosed with depression before and I think it's starting to come into play again. Communication lately has been rough, a text or two a day, maybe. But when we actually get on the phone, we speak for hours and it's awesome, constant laughing, talking about the future and so on. She's moving up to me as soon as the baby is born and I couldn't be happier. My situation is that she's seemed cold the last few weeks. Texts go unanswered, but we still call. I've voiced to her that this lack of communication is hurting me, and really getting to my head, and she just says "It'll be better when we're together." I'm honestly not 100% sure what she means by that. She's typically introverted and only lets herself get close to very few people. I think it's a depressive episode right now and I don't know what to do. Her communication has never been the best, I understand that people don't like being glued to their phones, I've even seen her toss her phone on the floor cause it was going off too much. But I feel like I need just a bit more. She sleeps so much, and she needs it. But I wish she would just send a text letting me know or she's okay, or that she can't get on the phone cause she needs to sleep, instead of leaving me hanging some days. I've got friends trying to convince me she's cheating. She's never given me a reason not to trust her and has never lied to me. I don't think someone who is marrying me in 2 weeks, planning a future and uprooting their own lives to keep our kid and move in together, and spend their own vacation time and money to fly up to see me would do such a thing. How should I handle this? We've spoken before, but again, she just keeps saying it'll be better when we're together. I think she has a hard time handling serious talks like that, and is so exhausted she can't put much thought into what I'm going through. Edited June 20, 2021 by mac12 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 1 hour ago, mac12 said: She's 15 weeks now, due 03DEC! We're both so excited. But I wish she would just send a text letting me know or she's okay, or that she can't get on the phone cause she needs to sleep, instead of leaving me hanging some days. I've got friends trying to convince me she's cheating. She's never given me a reason not to trust her and has never lied to me. I don't think someone who is marrying me in 2 weeks, planning a future and uprooting their own lives to keep our kid and move in together, and spend their own vacation time and money to fly up to see me would do such a thing. Congrats. Something is up with slowed communication, but agree it doesn't seem like cheating at this junction. How long have you been together? Try not to jump to conclusions and find out what's up with drinking depression and lack of communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mac12 Posted June 20, 2021 Author Share Posted June 20, 2021 We're hitting almost 10 months together. We spent the start of the relationship together before being forced into Long Distance, but it's been great every step of the way till now. Emotions are flowing with everything going on. And sadly, I have people who try to convince me of the worst with only me telling them the communication has gone down. It's not at zero, but way less than I would like it to be, and they jump straight to the cheating and "get a paternity test" conclusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 Hi mac12, sounds like she's feeling down not only because of the wacky pregnancy hormones, but also because she's lonely and misses you. It's all very understandable. Can she move earlier? Or take some unpaid leave to spend a bit more time with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mac12 Posted June 20, 2021 Author Share Posted June 20, 2021 Hi basil67. I'm flying down on Friday to spend about 10 days with her, and she's going to fly up to my at the end of July/June for another visit, she was just here last month. She's never been super expressive about missing me, I guess I romanticize that too much. She has randomly texted me that she misses me at times, one of which was on her birthday in May while she was out with her parents, so it was a welcomed surprise. She's not one to be super expressive. If it is loneliness, I wish she'd reach out so I could be there for her. Others have said that at this point in the pregnancy, she's just not feeling good, or the little energy spikes that she does get, are spent at work or doing chores around her apartment. She's doing that today as we speak, so I may not hear from her again today since she has to be up early for work. We'll be together soon, and have a few planned visits in between now and pregnancy which good, we always have something to look forward to. I don't think it's cheating, but have to be honest that the what ifs hit sometimes with what people have said. Admittedly, the ones that have tried to convince me of that, are ones that have never really had good relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 You need to talk with her when you see her. Something is up, but it doesn't necessarily mean she is seeing someone else. However, as you've noticed a significant change in her behaviour, a face-to-face conversation would be appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 She's pregnant by a man she barely knows who is not there. That is a LOT to handle. It's good that you will spend time together soon. You need to reach out to your command & find out what resources are available to the mother of your unborn child. She's probably not getting support from the other spouses left behind due to the deployment because she's not a spouse. Don't automatically believe the nay-sayers who tell you she is cheating but that is a possibility. It seems like less of one given her condition. Where are your parents in all of this? Can they have her over for dinner once per week & make her feel less alone when you are deployed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mac12 Posted June 21, 2021 Author Share Posted June 21, 2021 My parents have reached out and let her know that she is always welcomed to stay with them for a weekend, but they are 3 hours away, so it makes it difficult for her to do that, but she said she will take them up on the offer when she can. On a long weekend sometime. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: She's pregnant by a man she barely knows who is not there. That is a LOT to handle. I was thinking the same thing. Only dating 10 months, and already dealing with military obligations, pregnancy and marriage. That is a huge undertaking for such a young relationship, and she is probably feeling overwhelmed by all the major changes happening so quickly. OP, how long did you date in person before you had to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mac12 Posted June 21, 2021 Author Share Posted June 21, 2021 It was about 2.5 months before she got restationed a few states away. We have constant visits in between. I know the focus here is the amount of time total since we've started. I think, based on what you said, she's overwhelmed. Trust me when I say though, aside from the pregnancy, everything her and I discussed. Maintaining the relationship long distance was a mutual decision after some days of thinking/talking, and same with the marriage. We talked about it casually for about a month, and on her last visit we had a few serious conversations face to face to make sure this would make her and I happy. I know it's still all fast, but we both had equal parts in making those decisions together. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, mac12 said: It was about 2.5 months before she got restationed a few states away. Wait, what? Which one of you is in the military? I thought you got deployed / reassigned. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 8 hours ago, mac12 said: Trust me when I say though, aside from the pregnancy, everything her and I discussed Everything being the distance and getting married, or? I am not suggesting you two didn't come to these decisions together, but rather that she might be struggling with those decisions now. Both of your lives are about to change in very significant ways and it might be hitting her now that the reality is becoming more clear to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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