do I keep trying or move on from my marriage?

[HappyLady85]

I separated from my husband a year and a half ago. We were struggling a lot with trust issues on both ends. For me, there was so many lies that he has told from going on Tinder, to not paying bills when he had said he had paid, to a number of little white lies in between. The trust issues on his end were due to a friendship I had with another male. Last year, I had hit my breaking point and I needed to separate. Not long after the separation my husband filed for divorce. He did this out of anger and hurt. He has never been able to finalize anything. I have done everything on my mind as this was his wish at the time. I wasn't in a hurry to rush back into our marriage to just go back to the same problems. In the midst of all of this, he had seen other people and I had done the same. During all of this though, my husband was still fighting to get me back. Saying that he was willing to make changes for us to do better. I still wasn't ready to just jump back into it. Well the thing that changed things a lot was the fact that about 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant with someone I had been seeing at the time and was using protection but unfortunately that didn't work. This individual and I ended things about a month or two after the pregnancy.

My husband found out about the pregnancy and not long after was texting me to tell me how much he still wanted me back and that he would do anything knowing full well that I was pregnant with someone else's baby. I took a lot of this in and after about a month I did reach out to him in attempt to have a conversation with him about everything and to see if it would be worth it to give it another shot. He still hadn't finalized the divorce and I hadn't had the guts to even start it on my end. We cried on the phone with each other for hours. However now he apparently needs time to process everything and see how he really feels about it. I don't know what to do because I honestly feel like after all the things that he had said to me that he had processed and now he needs more time? After all that?

I'm at the age where I don't want to play mind games anymore. It's either you can accept what is and try again or move on. Maybe I should be telling myself that. At this point, I don't feel as though he was sincere in saying he would do anything to work on us. I just don't know what to do.

[stillafool]

He probably was serious when he said it but after seeing your tummy grow with another man's baby it may be more than he can handle.  Men get mind movies of their wife having sex with the OM and from what I hear it drives them nuts.   We've seen many  MM reconcile with their wife after an affair only to end up divorcing in the end because they can't stop the mind movies.  What about the baby's father doesn't he want to be part of his child's life?  Do you guys still have feelings for each other.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, iamthegirl said:

My husband found out about the pregnancy and not long after was texting me to tell me how much he still wanted me back and that he would do anything knowing full well that I was pregnant with someone else's baby.

Sorry this happened. Just pull the trigger and end it so you can be happy.

[HappyLady85]

53 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He probably was serious when he said it but after seeing your tummy grow with another man's baby it may be more than he can handle.  Men get mind movies of their wife having sex with the OM and from what I hear it drives them nuts.   We've seen many  MM reconcile with their wife after an affair only to end up divorcing in the end because they can't stop the mind movies.  What about the baby's father doesn't he want to be part of his child's life?  Do you guys still have feelings for each other.

I've unfortunately had no support from him at all minus one ultrasound where he sat in the corner pouting. I made the choice not to carry on the relationship with him due to his lack of loyalty and he was incredibly possessive. It was an abusive relationship in the making. No feelings at all on my end.

[d0nnivain]

An untrustworthy liar who can't even pay a bill is not exactly an ideal father.  I don't think you could have reconciled before you both went off & dated others.  There's no way you can pull this back together with a baby that is not his on the way.  

You may love him but that is no reason to stay married to him.  

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry to say i dont think your marriage should continiue. It will erupt and the hatred will come out. Best to part ways now and both move on. Btw do you two have children together? Again sorry your here.

Best of luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't see a reconciliation with your husband working out well. 

He might have thought he could handle you being pregnant by someone else, but it doesn't sound as though he actually can. And fair enough, that would be an incredibly tough pill to swallow for most. 

It is probably best if you two proceed with a divorce. 

[Donnas]

What ever issues you can work true them. Unless its abuse or cheating you can chose to leave./divorce.

Having sex with others and getting pregnant for sure is something big.

And that made the issues even bigger. More dfficult.

While being separated you both should have go to therapy separated and once a week or so toghater. Like do some work if you wanna be toghater. Just sit at home repeating same stuff and words wont change anything. Thats with everything in life.You want change?You have to do something deferent, some effort, get new info in your brain....go to classes ,read something, etc.

Like if you couldnt fix it yourself many years,means you sure need some help or something more to help you. A book, etc.New information to poke you to see the real picture.

At this point its up to your hubby to decide if he wanna deal with this or no.This means way more drama ahead. And now is 2 more people involve. 

If he chose to divorce i dont blame him.Because this is a heavy pill to deal with till this kid is 18. And if the dad is trouble or you keep having sex or certain type of romance or sex relationship with him, it will only make your hubby look like a fool.

Eitherway what ever you guys gonna do, both need therapy. To guide you to make the right choices.And how to handle everything. Also to see where you both done wrong for yourself and learn from it for next relationships.

[Donnas]

Ps: you cant say he should accept you and baby.

You are ignoring the pain of such action you did.

There sure need to be convos and therapy how to move foward if he stays with you.

Having sex and also get pregnant is a whole other level of issues.

Both need to acknowledge their faults.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, iamthegirl said:

. I made the choice not to carry on the relationship with him due to his lack of loyalty 

Ok. He'll still have to pay child support for the child.

You were legally married at the time so "loyalty" is relative in this case.

It's important to keep in mind that two half relationships don't make one whole one.

You're better off single. Being a single parent is better than being an unhappy parent, no?

Edited June 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[emprosnet7]

ΙΜΗΟ you should now have kept a pregnancy that was unwanted and under these circumstances. If there was any chance of getting back together, now it is really over because it is hard for a man to accept another guy's child from his wife. In time you will have to file for child support on the biological father.

[basil67]

It sounds like you went from the frying pan to the fire and back to the frying pan.    

Your estranged husband doesn't sound like much of a prize and you weren't happy back when you were with him.  Why would it be any better if you return?

[Harry Korsnes]

You should sett your free. He does'nt need that, eaven thou you are seperated you still f..ed around and got pregnent.  AND that is not his fault. 

[glows]

On 6/21/2021 at 1:04 PM, iamthegirl said:

I separated from my husband a year and a half ago. We were struggling a lot with trust issues on both ends. For me, there was so many lies that he has told from going on Tinder, to not paying bills when he had said he had paid, to a number of little white lies in between. The trust issues on his end were due to a friendship I had with another male. Last year, I had hit my breaking point and I needed to separate. Not long after the separation my husband filed for divorce. He did this out of anger and hurt. He has never been able to finalize anything. I have done everything on my mind as this was his wish at the time. I wasn't in a hurry to rush back into our marriage to just go back to the same problems. In the midst of all of this, he had seen other people and I had done the same. During all of this though, my husband was still fighting to get me back. Saying that he was willing to make changes for us to do better. I still wasn't ready to just jump back into it. Well the thing that changed things a lot was the fact that about 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant with someone I had been seeing at the time and was using protection but unfortunately that didn't work. This individual and I ended things about a month or two after the pregnancy.

My husband found out about the pregnancy and not long after was texting me to tell me how much he still wanted me back and that he would do anything knowing full well that I was pregnant with someone else's baby. I took a lot of this in and after about a month I did reach out to him in attempt to have a conversation with him about everything and to see if it would be worth it to give it another shot. He still hadn't finalized the divorce and I hadn't had the guts to even start it on my end. We cried on the phone with each other for hours. However now he apparently needs time to process everything and see how he really feels about it. I don't know what to do because I honestly feel like after all the things that he had said to me that he had processed and now he needs more time? After all that?

I'm at the age where I don't want to play mind games anymore. It's either you can accept what is and try again or move on. Maybe I should be telling myself that. At this point, I don't feel as though he was sincere in saying he would do anything to work on us. I just don't know what to do.

If separation was your idea it's likely you didn't quite feel the shock of it and are now facing the idea of divorce as if it's a reality rather than just an option (as it might have been earlier). Actually filing those papers and dealing with a spouse is not easy. That's why there are lawyers involved. Everything about divorce is far easier said than done. The idea of it is appealing and seeing divorce as an option or an exit is tempting while the process is far more difficult than most are prepared for. It's emotionally devastating and painful. On top of this you have a baby on the way and dealing with hormones and changes to your body. I think you need to put your baby first and you first. 

Your spouse is having second thoughts and that should be reason for you to seriously rethink everything about this marriage. It's been broken for awhile and it is still broken. Focus on the pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby. Sending you lots of strength and courage. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by glows

[mark clemson]

On 6/21/2021 at 2:45 PM, iamthegirl said:

 I made the choice not to carry on the relationship with him due to his lack of loyalty and he was incredibly possessive. It was an abusive relationship in the making. No feelings at all on my end.

And what exactly has changed? He's sampled the buffet and is now genuinely ready to settle back down with you? He's been to therapy to manage his anger/insecurities and whatever else is driving his control issues and potential for abuse? You've grown to love him more in his absence?

Possibly he's going through the WS thing where they lose the BS and "need" them back. But once he actually HAS you back (should that ever happen) will he stay put? Sometimes they never cheat again and never even want to, but sometimes they do. What's your gut sense on that matter?

Last but certainly not least - would he make an at least decent father to a child that's not his? Some men are cut out for this, many are not. That's not a judgement on either variety, but just how it is.

Think the answers to these questions are all important points you need to very seriously consider if you're thinking about taking him back.

Edited June 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[ctdans]

I say move on as you really don't have a marriage to keep trying.  When you two separated he probably saw that not as a way for you two to heal but for you to get away and see what else is out there.  That is why he filed for divorce and like you said yes I believe there was anger.  But rather than you two doing some form of counseling or healing together you both went out and dated others and you ended up getting pregnant.  So what does that really say for trying to get back together?  You both quickly found others for sex and probably some form of communication.  Now as some others pointed out what has changed in you both?  You had others and are pregnant, he had others and says he wants you back.  But what has either of you done to heal what was wrong in the first place?  How has the trust issues been resolved?  How has he shown that he can be a good father, regardless of who is the biological father?  How will you deal with the biological father if at some point he does want into his childs life?  Are you ready to deal with the anger flair ups that may come from your husband?  I am sure he will have bad days.

Give this a great deal of thought before you decide anything but you do need some professional to talk to since you will be a single mom soon.

[Just a Guy]

OP, I am sorry but this is like the nursery rhyme 'Humpty Dumpty'! Whatever you think you want or your soon to be ex husband wants, your so called marriage is as dead as a Dodo! It cannot be put together again no matter how hard you, he or a regiment of therapists try! All that remains to be done is to give it a decent burial. If there is any doubt in your mind the fact is that you got pregnant with another man while still married to your husband, technically speaking, and to my way of thinking, that fact amounts to cheating on him in an "In your face" way. What greater disrespect could you possibly show him? 

Just take the Bull by the horns, stop debating hypothetical questions and proceed with the divorce! There is nothing to save here. In time you will meet the right guy for you and things will fall in place. By now you know your stbx husband well enough to know how he will behave in the future and you know that you will have a problem with that! No point wasting time thinking wistful thoughts of possible 'What if' scenarios which will never materialize. Warm wishes.

Edited July 1, 2021 by Just a Guy
Corrections.

[Acacia98]

On 6/21/2021 at 11:04 PM, iamthegirl said:

I'm at the age where I don't want to play mind games anymore. It's either you can accept what is and try again or move on. Maybe I should be telling myself that. At this point, I don't feel as though he was sincere in saying he would do anything to work on us. I just don't know what to do.

IMO, your situation has changed drastically. You can no longer simply think about yourself. You also have to think about the baby you're carrying. What is in the child's best interest? Being raised in a stable home in which he/she is loved and wanted. I am not convinced that you would be able to create such a home for your child with your husband. You guys weren't able to make things work when things were much simpler and it was just the two of you. There's no reason to believe that you would somehow miraculously be able to do so with a baby in the mix, particularly a baby who is not your husband's biological child and who would be a constant reminder that you had sex with another man. And I certainly wouldn't advise you to try just to see what happens. Your child is not a guinea pig in a psychology experiment.

Your husband doesn't sound like the sort of person who knows what he wants. For crying out loud, he actively joined Tinder while married to and presumably living with you. Why would you expect him to suddenly be self-aware and full of certainty about reconciling with you? In addition, he lied to you about paying bills. What's the story behind that? Gambling? Drugs? Using money on other women? You really want your child to be partly dependent on a parent who lies about paying bills? There's no room for optimistic fantasies and fairy tales in your life. You have to be a realist.