Anyone else raised in a strict household who didnt grow up to appreciate it?

[siren8272]

I was speaking to my therapist  the other day about my mom and childhood. I talked about how strict she was and contrary to what I was told by many adults in my life that I'd appreciate it when I got older at age 39  I dont. When I talk to friends about child/teen experiences they all have shared experiences that I dont share. Things such as going to the skating rink, movies, concerts,shopping in the mall with friends,and even having friends come over to visit. My therapist says it is quite common for kids who had strict parents to grow up resenting not appreciating that strictness. She even went as far to say she thinks that a lot of time strict parents create ambitious adults because their main drive is to be so successful they will never be under their parent's  control again. So I come here to the regular folks of loveshack are there any other people that had strict parents who dont appreciate it even as an adult? if so why?

before people start no im not some bum whose an entitled brat  im a PT professor and in grad school....also yes maybe my drive to obtain as many degrees as possible is linked to my controlling childhood...if i lose a job i can find something with one of my degrees....even if its McDonalds

[basil67]

I hope you get a response which relates to what you experienced....but in the meantime....

I think there's strict and there's STRICT.  The STRICT you had I think is bad.  

My home was only strict in terms of curfews, good manners, respecting adults, not talking back etc.  I believe that kids need boundaries to give them stability and it worked for me.  But what you describe was closer to what I'd call abusive.  Do you mind if I ask why your mom didn't let you have a social life?   Was she a tiger-mom?   Or terrified that the outside world would corrupt you?  

[d0nnivain]

Congratulations on all your success.  Good for you.  

It does sound like your parents deprived you of certain joys of childhood / teen years but at this point, how much therapy & re-hashing do you really need.  It happened.  You can't change it.  You can acknowledge that you still resent it but it is what it is.  Let  go.  It won't be the same but take yourself to the movies, or skating.  Eat ice cream for breakfast.  What ever it is you think you missed out on, do that for yourself but stop dwelling on something you can't change. 

My mom was a tiger mom before the term was coined.  She was on me about grades & success all the time.  I got the A's she demanded but I think it made me more lazy.  I'm always looking for a shortcut & I do the bare minimum to achieve my goals.  I'm satisfied with good enough because I hated the stress she put on me with her quest for perfection.  When I know something has to be perfect sometimes I'm reluctant to even start / try.  I know I'm screwed up but I can't re-write history. 

[Blind-Sided]

Since you really don't give us much background... it's hard to give a solid response But............

There is "Strict" and there is "Controlling".   From what you are implying... you didn't have strict folks... you have controlling folks. 

OK... I had strict parents. There was rules... and when rules were broken... there was consequences. If my mom said... "If you do xxx then the punishment will be yyy"   And guess what???  When I broke that rule... I got that punishment.  And if that punishment overlapped with something that was already planned... well.... I didn't get to do whatever that was.   

With that said... I wasn't kept from doing things with friends, and having life experiences. 

If you weren't allowed to go to the mall, or hang out with friends... then that is a controlling parent.

But, as @d0nnivain said why go to someone, to rehash the past?  You can't change it, all you can do is live your adult life as best you can.

[HiCrunchy]

I feel the same way. I'm 26 and feel emotionally stunted because I wasn't able to have the relationships and friendships that would have helped me grow in my teens and early 20s. Now I am clueless trying to navigate the world.

 

[siren8272]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Congratulations on all your success.  Good for you.  

It does sound like your parents deprived you of certain joys of childhood / teen years but at this point, how much therapy & re-hashing do you really need.  It happened.  You can't change it.  You can acknowledge that you still resent it but it is what it is.  Let  go.  It won't be the same but take yourself to the movies, or skating.  Eat ice cream for breakfast.  What ever it is you think you missed out on, do that for yourself but stop dwelling on something you can't change. 

My mom was a tiger mom before the term was coined.  She was on me about grades & success all the time.  I got the A's she demanded but I think it made me more lazy.  I'm always looking for a shortcut & I do the bare minimum to achieve my goals.  I'm satisfied with good enough because I hated the stress she put on me with her quest for perfection.  When I know something has to be perfect sometimes I'm reluctant to even start / try.  I know I'm screwed up but I can't re-write history. 

I am not "rehashing" the past I was speaking to my therapist and she suggested I reach out to others who might feel the same. She also warned of answers like yours and how to respond so here goes ...."how much therapy and rehashing do you need"?People go to therapy to heal so telling someone to "let go" aka "let it go"  is ineffective, insensitive and could be perceived as gas lighting. Also just because YOU have come to peace with your childhood doesnt mean everyone has not everyone is YOU and does not heal at the same rate. I will say one way I know im getting better is that your comment in the past would have upset me , but now it just simply makes me want to inform you and encourage you to undo that toxic thinking. Even if you can not change the past you have a right to your feelings about it. Remembering is not rehashing ....

Edited June 22, 2021 by siren8272
clarity

[siren8272]

11 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Since you really don't give us much background... it's hard to give a solid response But............

There is "Strict" and there is "Controlling".   From what you are implying... you didn't have strict folks... you have controlling folks. 

OK... I had strict parents. There was rules... and when rules were broken... there was consequences. If my mom said... "If you do xxx then the punishment will be yyy"   And guess what???  When I broke that rule... I got that punishment.  And if that punishment overlapped with something that was already planned... well.... I didn't get to do whatever that was.   

With that said... I wasn't kept from doing things with friends, and having life experiences. 

If you weren't allowed to go to the mall, or hang out with friends... then that is a controlling parent.

But, as @d0nnivain said why go to someone, to rehash the past?  You can't change it, all you can do is live your adult life as best you can.

Strict and controlling often NOT ALWAYS , but often go together. Well in therapy one often talks about their past to heal....are you shaming my healing process? 😮

[siren8272]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I hope you get a response which relates to what you experienced....but in the meantime....

I think there's strict and there's STRICT.  The STRICT you had I think is bad.  

My home was only strict in terms of curfews, good manners, respecting adults, not talking back etc.  I believe that kids need boundaries to give them stability and it worked for me.  But what you describe was closer to what I'd call abusive.  Do you mind if I ask why your mom didn't let you have a social life?   Was she a tiger-mom?   Or terrified that the outside world would corrupt you?  

She felt like the world would corrupt me. She is very religious and shes hates socializing with others and thought I should feel the same. She wanted a mini me and when that didnt happen she just kept me locked up i guess.....when I try to ask her she changes the subject or acts like she doesnt remember anything. So this is also why my therapist refuses to call her in on the sessions. She says my mom has to want to cooperate ....she has her path to healing and I have my own.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry Siren.  I remember your other posts now - your mother wasn't strict - it was a whole lost worse than that.   You've come from a really abusive background, and given the things you've written about your mom over the years, your therapist is right about not having her join you in therapy.

Have you gotten to the point of removing yourself from contact with the toxic members of your family?

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you gotten to the point of removing yourself from contact with the toxic members of your family?

This sounds like the best option so you won't be triggered.  I've seen others who had really strict parents heal themselves by not making the same mistakes with their own children.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, siren8272 said:

Strict and controlling often NOT ALWAYS , but often go together. Well in therapy one often talks about their past to heal....are you shaming my healing process? 😮

No... not at all.  But as said... rehashing the past isn't always healthy.   Besides, there is 2 sides to every story.  For all we know, your friends were not good people, and your folks we simply trying to keep you safe.

We honestly don't have much info to go off of... and that's what I indicated in the first line of my other post. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[siren8272]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

No... not at all.  But as said... rehashing the past isn't always healthy.   Besides, there is 2 sides to every story.  For all we know, your friends were not good people, and your folks we simply trying to keep you safe.

We honestly don't have much info to go off of... and that's what I indicated in the first line of my other post. 

it often isnt BUT in this case my therapist has seen it fit to be an important part of my healing. Especially since for so long I have been shamed into repressing my feelings(for example even on this site I have been shamed for my issues with my mom involving me looking for work during undergrad look up my old post for context)I have started therapy because I myself am working to become one so my mentors have told me and others in my cohort to at least go to one therapy session to look into any issues that might impact the type of care youre giving youre own clients. So this is not only for me but my future clients I dont want to be practicing in bias. As for my friends not being good people I dont know what that would have to do with a parent being strict.

[siren8272]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry Siren.  I remember your other posts now - your mother wasn't strict - it was a whole lost worse than that.   You've come from a really abusive background, and given the things you've written about your mom over the years, your therapist is right about not having her join you in therapy.

Have you gotten to the point of removing yourself from contact with the toxic members of your family?

Yes for a long time i was in another state then my mom had two blood clots and needed help so i cam back under the stipulation that I not be treated as a child but a fully grown adult with a gray patch in the top of my head (ha!)...so shes chilled out but i still need help getting over the trauma....the only bad part now is she denies she did anything(my therapist said some people cant or wont face accountability bc their ego is too frail) ...shes well now the only thing is Covid holding things up (a lot of places where I am arent showing new apts just yet)....so this post is merely me trying to heal before I try to help heal others.....

[Wiseman2]

You would benefit from respite care.

You're expecting her to change. She's had a stroke so arguing about childhood grievances is just upsetting both of you.

Not sure your mentor or therapist is helping that much.

Why not get to a doctor yourself for an evaluation of depression and anxiety?

Also contact a social worker and get a better care program for your mother.

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you found my comment toxic.  It was meant to be empowering.  With some help from your therapist you can get passed this if you want to.  My therapist always used to tell me happiness is a choice.  It made me want to scream when he said that.  I never believed it was that simple; I always thought if it was that simply WTF was I doing wasting 1 hour every week & a few hundred bucks sitting on his couch?  But in the end he was right.  When I finally made the decision to let go & chose to be happy -- to get motivated, to exercise, to stop letting demons from the past define my present, it got better.  That was my wish for you; that you get there. I am not demeaning you for not having climbed your mountain yet.  If you think I am attacking you, I suggest you show this thread to your therapist & work on why you are so defensive.  

I agree remembering is not rehashing but at the same time there has to be forward motion & healing.  Staying stuck, crying woe is me, doesn't foster healing.  Identifying the issue & taking ownership of it is part of the healing process.  You may be there, at the beginning of your process.   You need not be ashamed.  Nobody's parents were perfect but at some point it's not the parents' fault any more. 

You clearly overcame a lot to get where you are so that is a great accomplishment.  

Your mom has been a problem for your whole life  You know this.  All your past posts are about her  & the nutty things she has done in the name of religion.  No one, especially not me, is disputing her toxicity.  But she's never going to take ownership of it.  Your therapist is right to keep mom out of your sessions.  My point is that if you need mom to admit what she did to you, that is never going to happen.  Remember she thinks God is on her side. She'll probably blame you for being in therapy because you wore what she considers immodest clothes or something else ridiculous. It's the ultimate gaslight.  She  made a life time of bad choices but she didn't get in that condition / mindset all by herself.  Somebody made her as crazy as she is.  Remember that. As bonkers as my mom was, my grandmother (her mom) was worse.  So as I got older I tried to remember this was not all her fault.  She didn't have access to mental health & in her day you couldn't even talk about any of this stuff, so by comparison I was better off.  So are you.  

Things will get better once you are out from under mom's roof again.  My relationship with my own mom didn't begin to become tolerable until a few years after I moved out after grad school.  It took a while because at first mom told people I died.  She didn't approve of my living arrangements so that was her solution.  Believe me I get crazy mom.  

So what's next on the healing journey?  The look back may tell you how much progress you made, which is great.  Celebrate that but you still have to move forward.  One of the other things my therapist did was force me to think about what happened when mom died.  I still hadn't made peace with that when she passed away.  She had dementia so we never had the chance to talk once I had  better insight.  For your own sanity, you have to find ways to pull back from the toxic stuff in the present but still honor whatever level of commitment you believe is appropriate since mom has blood clots & you do care for her.  

 

[siren8272]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You would benefit from respite care.

You're expecting her to change. She's had a stroke so arguing about childhood grievances is just upsetting both of you.

Not sure your mentor or therapist is helping that much.

Why not get to a doctor yourself for an evaluation of depression and anxiety?

Also contact a social worker and get a better care program for your mother.

 

I would agree with the respite care...

Thats part of my therapy coming to peace with her not admitting what she has done and moving forward. When it comes to healing everyone's time table is different because every person is different.

I know my therapist has helped because as stated in another post on here in the past comments like yours and others would "trigger" me , but instead simply encourages me to educate others regarding toxicity in parents. Many are unaware that their parents were abusive and toxic growing up...hence why many dont notice the signs of dv in adult relationships. Researchers are finding links between DV relationships and childhood trauma(yes the put spanking in this category too) can cause one to be more likely to accept abuse as normal because what has been modeled in childhood.

I prefer a drug free method of healing , but thank you for the suggestion. Just curious what makes you think from my words on a digital screen that I have anxiety or depression?

Shes back 100 percent in fact gardening while im typing this....as stated earlier the main hold up now is COVID . Even though the governor has allowed it many places are still not showing new apts yet. Also i will admit the one i have my eye on in particular has not gone back to showing new apts i can see it online but i want to see it in person.

I hope i cleared everything up

 

 

[Donnas]

There is no perfect parents.if they was lose and allowed you to do what ever it will be a problem to.

I think its good to talk and know your parents life story.like way before you were born.

That often give you understanding and you can also tell them how it felt for you. And come back toghater.

Loke parents who came from war or poverty, just wanna make sure you wont have that suffering cause tjey know how it feels.

At some point forgive them if you feel hurt. They ment it well. And you gained something out of it. 

And if those stuff you feel like they ddnt let you, why dint you go do them now if they matter so much to u?????Be glad for the good things they give you. Some parents dont even invest in the kids,they turn out criminals and stuff.

[Donnas]

What ever it is you cant heal from it and have a """second chance".

Get some therapy and be open to forgive and have convos ask questions to your parents in a way to understand,not to fight

[siren8272]

1 hour ago, Donnas said:

There is no perfect parents.if they was lose and allowed you to do what ever it will be a problem to.

I think its good to talk and know your parents life story.like way before you were born.

That often give you understanding and you can also tell them how it felt for you. And come back toghater.

Loke parents who came from war or poverty, just wanna make sure you wont have that suffering cause tjey know how it feels.

At some point forgive them if you feel hurt. They ment it well. And you gained something out of it. 

And if those stuff you feel like they ddnt let you, why dint you go do them now if they matter so much to u?????Be glad for the good things they give you. Some parents dont even invest in the kids,they turn out criminals and stuff.

These are excuses often used to dismiss or gaslight adult children into forgiving their parents. This does nothing but cause resentment that can in turn resurface as mental health issues. I am justified in my feelings towards my childhood and will no longer be shamed into thinking my feelings are wrong.

[S2B]

Yes… and I’ve made decisions to raise my own kids (now adults) in a way that works for me!

I don’t think “strict” has to enter the interaction of kids respond to communication and explaining life to them. 
 

[Blind-Sided]

On 6/23/2021 at 5:01 PM, siren8272 said:

These are excuses often used to dismiss or gaslight adult children into forgiving their parents. This does nothing but cause resentment that can in turn resurface as mental health issues. I am justified in my feelings towards my childhood and will no longer be shamed into thinking my feelings are wrong.

Your feelings are your feelings.  But being angry at the world about that doesn't help you move forward either.  

[siren8272]

On 6/25/2021 at 7:06 AM, Blind-Sided said:

Your feelings are your feelings.  But being angry at the world about that doesn't help you move forward either.  

What makes you think im angry at the world? Im just curious? Especially when its been implied that my therapy isnt working , various attempts to gaslight me throughout this thread and even a diagnosis of anxiety/depression. Informing people they should unpack toxic thinking doesnt make me angry.

Edited June 28, 2021 by siren8272

[Prudence V]

On 6/22/2021 at 5:18 AM, siren8272 said:

So I come here to the regular folks of loveshack are there any other people that had strict parents who dont appreciate it even as an adult? if so why?

As a kid, I considered my parents strict (well, my mother really. My father was very “hands off”), with all of us but especially with me because I was “a girl” so not allowed to do a whole bunch of stuff my brothers were allowed. Hanging out with friends, for example, was not allowed - a formally arranged “play date” where the other parent came to collect you and drop you off after would be allowed if the parent was going to be present the entire time (we were teens, ffs!) and that was just so terminally uncool no one would ever have “invited” you over in that way once you were older than about 8. Going out in the evenings was forbidden - even school functions on weekend evenings were banned for me, though my brothers were allowed. Summer holidays we were expected to hang around the house all day, every day, except if you had a formal activity arranged (like a school trip). How I dressed (if I ever did get to leave the house) was policed (not for my brothers) and who I got phone calls from (this was the era of landline phones…) 
 

It taught me how to sneak out, to run off, to hide, to deceive… and it left me with zero experience of socialising normally with other kids. I hated my parents, my siblings, and life in general, as a kid. When I finished school and went off to uni, I got diagnosed with clinical depression which I’d had probably my entire childhood. So yeah, no, I didn’t “appreciate” it. I didn’t appreciate being cast as the neighbourhood freak, and I made damn sure to parent my own kids as differently as I could.

[Prudence V]

On 6/23/2021 at 4:11 AM, siren8272 said:

the only bad part now is she denies she did anything(my therapist said some people cant or wont face accountability bc their ego is too frail)

In the years before my dad died, I got to speak to him a bit about my childhood and he was very saddened to hear just how bad it had been. He had no idea most of the time - he was either working, or holed up somewhere on his own (also clinically depressed) and he had been told to butt out of raising the kids (very traditional gender roles…) so he did. My mother always cast me as a selfish brat (because I challenged the discourse that, as a girl, my role was to serve the family) who exaggerated everything, so my words couldn’t be trusted… so I stopped trying to say anything. (My parents split once the kids had left home, so he was out from under her thumb at the stage we were able to have those conversations.)

My mother never admitted any wrongdoing. She always blamed me, told me “wait till you have your own kids” and when I did, and single-parented them into being well-adjusted, happy, caring adults, she told me I was lucky that I had angelic kids and not the hellions she’d had. Always my fault… So I stopped trying. It was a toxic relationship that had zero chance of changing, so I stopped bothering. When she was dying, her social worker contacted me (I was living in a different country; my brothers were still local) and I went to see her (my brothers didn’t bother) a few times but she was as spiteful and accusing as ever, so at some point I walked away from that, too. She was just unable to speak to me even for a few minutes without trying to tear me apart and I asked her what she wanted from my being there, and she said, “well, if that’s how you’re going to be…” and acted as though I owed her a huge apology for my whole life, for not being the child she wanted. I spoke to her social worker and told her I’d be happy to pay for whatever needed paying, but I wasn’t prepared to be an emotional punching bag for my mother’s messed up psyche and suggested she contact my brothers in future. 
 

 

 

[glows]

I had a strict upbringing. I didn't resent it. I just went outside the boundaries more often and did not give any care. Sure, I was punished. So? I didn't turn to drugs, didn't do anything to damage my health mentally, physically. I remained healthy and an abiding citizen and eventually outgrew the family rules and norms. I earned my degrees, remained financially independent and grew the family business. I like what I am today because a large part of it is owed to the groundwork I had when I was little.  I'm older now and go about my own rules. Over time even parents learn that times change and old ways have room for improvement. Let go of all that resentment eventually.

Make it a practice to keep reinforcing your own beliefs in the way you live. If you keep looking backwards trying to relive the past, you're not moving forwards.