MissSassy Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 (edited) My bf has a serious relationship with cocaine, so I left him! He quickly realised and got help for his problem! We both agreed to talk things over, and only try again if he can stay sober (which he is more than happy to do, as the drugs have ruined everything for him so far and it was his decision) I haven’t pressured him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do! We had a great week together, going out for food, walks, talking about our future together when the time is right, UNTIL…. I went to my friends house for a drink (all girls) uploaded/sent photos to him, spoke to him on the phone, text messages back and forth, until he started asking me to share my location with him … so instead of getting into an argument with him, I shared my location and got on with my night, I wasn’t going to let him continue questioning me when it was very clear where I was and who I was with! Baring in mind - this is coming from a guy who would sneak out the house, take drugs, not answer his phone etc but I never once questioned him this way! I got home the next day and we met up, I asked him why we was asking for proof of where I was and he said he doesn’t trust me, and then the cheating allegations started, we argued for hours, I got very upset and angry and he asked me to do a lie detector test to prove I haven’t cheated! I automatically responded with NO WAY (how dare he ask me this when it’s all paranoia from this substance abuse) he said if I don’t do a lie detector and prove him wrong we can’t get back together, and I said I’m not doing a lie detector, you need to go to therapy first and work on you! He said I’m not doing the lie detector because I’m obviously lying and his gut is telling him I’ve cheated! I’ve never cheated on him, I’ve gave him more chances than I think most girls would! I’d love nothing more than to get back with him and be happy but I’m upset that he needs this proof and also when I give him the proof that I’ve not cheated, I’m scared I end up resenting him and won’t be able to let go of the fact he didn’t trust me enough in the first place, or he gets the results and is happy I haven’t cheated but finds something else to question me about!? I need some advice? I told him it was over and we aren’t speaking anymore but he just seems to think this is what I want so I don’t have to do a lie detector! please help, is he controlling and manipulating me?! Am I being unreasonable? Should I do the lie detector, prove him wrong and then get some couples therapy and work together? Or should I just stay away from him and move on! Find someone who would never ask me for a lie detector or even question my loyalty?! It’s hard when you really love someone! Edited June 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and moved to Cheating and Jealousy subforum Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 MissSassy, On the dashboard of life, the IDIOT light is flashing. You really need to disengage from this guy. Until he works out his MAJOR issues, you do not need this. Look, you can do better. There are good guys out there. Have some standards. In a real sense, this is on you from your choices you make, and have made. Do not continue to make this one. I wish you luck... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 My advice: go to a Narc-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people in love with addicts. They will explain his behavior to you because they walked in your shoes. With their help hopefully you will be strong enough to walk away. Part of his paranoia which you are giving in to is that if the tables were turned he would be up to no good so he assumes you are too. You should not have shared your location with him to avoid a fight. I hope you turned that off. Under no circumstances should you do a lie detector. If he doesn't trust you, then you have no relationship. It's a simple as that. Are you going to ask him for a drug test every time he leaves the house? It's the same thing. That is going to get very expensive . . .you two testing each other all the time. FYI a polygraph with a trained examiner costs about $600. He needs to talk to his sponsor at NA about his paranoia. If he doesn't have a sponsor because he's not in NA that is all the more reason to step away from the untrustworthy addict. Nobody kicks drugs on their own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 1 hour ago, MissSassy said: how dare he ask me this when it’s all paranoia from this substance abuse You need to end this. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He's still using and you know it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 3 hours ago, MissSassy said: I’d love nothing more than to get back with him and be happy but I’m upset that he needs this proof Why on earth is THIS your reaction to these events? You'd love nothing more than to get back with him? Really? When a guy acts crazy, controlling and manipulative, you leave. That is the responsible thing to do. You don't stay with a person like this. I'm glad that you told him it was over. You need to stick to that! 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 4 hours ago, MissSassy said: ...I need some advice? I told him it was over and we aren’t speaking anymore but he just seems to think this is what I want so I don’t have to do a lie detector! please help, is he controlling and manipulating me?! Am I being unreasonable? Should I do the lie detector, prove him wrong and then get some couples therapy and work together? Or should I just stay away from him and move on! Find someone who would never ask me for a lie detector or even question my loyalty?! It’s hard when you really love someone! Yes he is trying to manipulate you. You are not being unreasonable. He is being paranoid (which I don't know if that is part of withdrawal or what) and ridiculous. Like this lie detector test. Where in the world do you get those? I have never heard of where you could just go and get such a test. It is just crazy thinking to think you could even just go get one, or that he can afford it. Let alone the plethora of evidence they are very unreliable, and require a true expert to get anything meaningful out of them. You know I'm pretty sure when used by the CIA and such the true "lie detector" is not the machine but the person observing. I think you should really evaluate what you love about him, are you seeign him (all of him) or your vision and fantasy of him. Then is he treating you with love as well? His behavior is so odd don't know what else to say that you didn't already tell him, he needs to get therapy on this. As long as he thinks he is in the "right" on this and being reasonable, I don't see how it could work. Also have you considered he is doing this to drive you away, use it as an excuse to break up? It is such odd and crazy behavior that this came to mind. So yes, best to stay away and move on in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 On 6/22/2021 at 10:06 AM, MissSassy said: I need some advice? I told him it was over and we aren’t speaking anymore but he just seems to think this is what I want so I don’t have to do a lie detector! please help, is he controlling and manipulating me?! Am I being unreasonable? Should I do the lie detector, prove him wrong and then get some couples therapy and work together? No. You're being gaslighted. If it's over, then block his phone number. You don't have to prove anything to him. Those are his demons, not yours; he needs to go fight them on his own, not try to make you do if for him. Quote Or should I just stay away from him and move on! Find someone who would never ask me for a lie detector or even question my loyalty?! It’s hard when you really love someone! I think that in the long run, you will be happier if you moved on. Clearly, he is no where near being out of that mine field of post-cocaine abuse and his weapon of choice is to project onto you exactly what he would have done to you, were he in the position to do so. This really is about how you love yourself and how you allow yourself to be treated when you've been above reproach in all of this. Find someone who isn't up to his eyeballs fighting a cocaine addiction, for starters. This won't turn out well if you don't move on for your own sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 (edited) Well if he can't go and party anymore, and sees you having all that fun, it's playing hard on his imagination. This is typical of someone going through recovery. Most addicts use their addiction to cope with situations, feelings etc. When you take that away, they don't how to handle life or how to handle those feelings that once were clouded by their use. He obviously needs therapy to learn coping skills so he can channel these emotions in a more positive manner. This is not fixable by you. The more you play into his insecurity the worse it gets. It's a cycle that over time escalates. He needs professional help. Edited June 24, 2021 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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