Can I get over this insecurity?

[Frivolous]

Hi all, 

Been many years since I've been on this forum but hoping to find some wisdom

So after years of short term relationships ending for 1 reason or another I was really surprised to start dating someone amazing about 4 months ago. We have been getting on like best friends and our sex life is great so it's pretty dreamy! 

The issue I've hit could be seen as good old classic jealousy. In short my girlfriend and I live with the opposite sex but my girlfriends flatmate has decided to move on. My girlfriend has fairly quickly decided on offering the room to another guy who she has only given an online viewing too. I wanted to completely ignore my discomfort with this as she makes me so happy but feelings got the better of me and I spoke up as even though I trust her I think this is really inconsiderate as she didn't even ask if I was OK with it. I said I don't want her to be stuck without a flatmate so if need be she should offer the guy the room even though I'm uncomfortable with it. In some ways I was hoping she would see how uncomfortable it made me but she hasn't and has offered the guy the room. 

I know people will say there's a lack of trust on my part but it's not that I think she's easy and will cheat its the lack of consideration and down playing of the situation that upsets me. Even after I expressed my concerns she has just carried on without any effort in looking for a female flatmate. I now don't know where our boundaries lie and worry I will be put in more uncomfortable situations in the future. 

I'm guessing there have been and always will be many views on opposite sex relationships but it would be nice to get thoughts on this particular situation. Am I being ridiculously insecure given she's great at making me feel wanted in other ways or is this a worrying disregard of our relationship? 

Thanks in advance! 

[stillafool]

Well wouldn't she be in your predicament if you two decided to have a female flatmate?  Wouldn't the jealousy be on the other foot?

[Frivolous]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well wouldn't she be in your predicament if you two decided to have a female flatmate?  Wouldn't the jealousy be on the other foot?

Yes she would and has said she would be ok if I moved another girl in. Now that I'm in a relationship I just wouldnt do this as wouldn't want to risk awkward situations when I can move a guy in and take all risk away. 

 

Do you think because I have these values and shes very easy going about opposite sex friends it means we aren't compatible? 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Frivolous

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

start dating someone amazing about 4 months ago. In short my girlfriend and I live with the opposite sex . has offered the guy the room. 

Since you have a female roommate and it's only 16 weeks, you'll have to hold your tongue, even though it's uncomfortable.

[Frivolous]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since you have a female roommate and it's only 16 weeks, you'll have to hold your tongue, even though it's uncomfortable.

I didn't mind her having a male flatmate as he was already there. It's just how she's decided to move a strange guy in when she's now in a relationship. Unfortunately I couldn't hold it as she was so dismissive of putting some effort into finding a female flat mate even though I had explained my discomfort in depth. Luckily it seems I haven't scared her off my jealousy just upset her and now we're both feeling glum and I'm wondering if this is the start to a big compatibility problem? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

It's just how she's decided to move a strange guy in when she's now in a relationship.

Have you met him? He may be Godzilla 🦖and make you look even better in comparison. Look for silver linings.⛅

Edited June 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Frivolous]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met him? He may be Godzilla 🦖and make you look even better in comparison. Look for silver linings.⛅

No haven't met him, neither has she just an online viewing but he's a doctor and I presume single as just moving for work 😬

Thanks for that perspective though

 

[basil67]

If him being single is part of the equation as to your concerns, then trust is part of your issue.  It's more than the fact that she didn't comply with your wishes.

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

Yes she would and has said she would be ok if I moved another girl in. Now that I'm in a relationship I just wouldnt do this as wouldn't want to risk awkward situations when I can move a guy in and take all risk away. 

 

Do you think because I have these values and shes very easy going about opposite sex friends it means we aren't compatible? 

No.  I think she would be jealous too no matter what she says.

[Frivolous]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If him being single is part of the equation as to your concerns, then trust is part of your issue.  It's more than the fact that she didn't comply with your wishes.

I'm not denying that's part of it but who wouldn't mind their partner living with a single, highly educator suitor? Again it's not that I think she will outright cheat its the situation of her having to build a relationship with this guy to make a comfortable home environment. He's new to the area and and single so assume he will be happy to make friends and could ask my girlfriend out which is a reasonable flat mate thing to do and now my girlfriend is out with a new strange guy on a date like scenario which I just don't think is a good position to out yourself in when you have a partner? 

[Frivolous]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No.  I think she would be jealous too no matter what she says

That's what I would have thought. I don't understand how people can downplay these types of situations like jealousy doesn't exist. Maybe it's a mean relationship test she is conducting? 

I could do something similar but suppose that's childish. 

[MsJayne]

Maybe you're overlooking this;  plenty of women don't like sharing a living space with another woman because of things like....they borrow your clothes and your perfume, they use your shampoo,  they're often bigger slobs than any guy, and they also often flirt with your boyfriend, and if they're an Alpha Female type they usually try to take over and things can turn very b****y ...... She may have perfectly valid reasons for preferring to share with a male. On top of that, she doesn't need your permission or approval when it comes to deciding what sort of person she prefers to share with, there is no way she should have to ask how you feel about her lifestyle at this stage of your relationship. Your problem is that you're worried the guy moving in looks like Fabio and has a Masters Degree in womanising. He probably has a girlfriend of his own, or maybe a boyfriend, he may have some super annoying habits, you and he may hit it off and end up as great buddies long after you've split with this girl.  Insecurity feeds on the unknown, it projects it's fears and suspicions on to people and situations we haven't even encountered. If you focus on it you will encourage your fears to manifest themselves, so it's best to assume that the guy moving in is not even your GF's type, and that he'll do things like forget to flush. Last thing you should do is make a big deal out of it, because that will be the catalyst for pushing your GF away. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Frivolous said:

I'm not denying that's part of it but who wouldn't mind their partner living with a single, highly educator suitor? 

I don't see you throwing your female flatmate out.    What makes you think he's a suitor?   And I noticed that he's gone from you assuming he's single to actually being single in the space of a few posts.  Sounds a lot like you're winding yourself up here.

My husband and I both had opposite sex flatmates before we lived together and nobody cared at all.  It was just someone to pay the rent and we trusted each other.  

 

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by basil67

[Frivolous]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't see you throwing your female flatmate out.    What makes you think he's a suitor?   And I noticed that he's gone from you assuming he's single to actually being single in the space of a few posts.  Sounds a lot like you're winding yourself up here.

My husband and I both had opposite sex flatmates before we lived together and nobody cared at all.  It was just someone to pay the rent and we trusted each other.  

 

 

Well anyone can be a suitor but more so because he's single, a similar age and in a similar field of work. Yes I am assuming he's single but I'd say that's a very fair assumption as he's moving long distance. 

Everyone seems to think it's a trust/sex issue but it's not. If I thought my girlfriend would easily cheat I wouldn't be with her but it's just the whole in consideration of putting herself in a position that's uncomfortable for me on purpose without even asking what I thought in the first place. I really don't mind that she has lots of guy friends or lived with a guy before as they were already in her life before me. 

I wish I could just forget about it but it also makes me think of other situations ill be uncomfortable with now like would she go and stay at a guy mates house, would she go on holiday with a guy mate, would she spend time with an ex etc etc. Does no think there should be boundaries? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Frivolous said:

I think this is really inconsiderate as she didn't even ask if I was OK with it. I said I don't want her to be stuck without a flatmate so if need be she should offer the guy the room even though I'm uncomfortable with it. In some ways I was hoping she would see how uncomfortable it made me

Did you tell her this?

Because it sounds like you have trouble actually voicing your opinion here. You told her to offer him the room if she needed to, so she did. And now you are getting upset because she didn't read your mind? 

 

[Frivolous]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe you're overlooking this;  plenty of women don't like sharing a living space with another woman because of things like....they borrow your clothes and your perfume, they use your shampoo,  they're often bigger slobs than any guy, and they also often flirt with your boyfriend, and if they're an Alpha Female type they usually try to take over and things can turn very b****y ...... She may have perfectly valid reasons for preferring to share with a male. On top of that, she doesn't need your permission or approval when it comes to deciding what sort of person she prefers to share with, there is no way she should have to ask how you feel about her lifestyle at this stage of your relationship. Your problem is that you're worried the guy moving in looks like Fabio and has a Masters Degree in womanising. He probably has a girlfriend of his own, or maybe a boyfriend, he may have some super annoying habits, you and he may hit it off and end up as great buddies long after you've split with this girl.  Insecurity feeds on the unknown, it projects it's fears and suspicions on to people and situations we haven't even encountered. If you focus on it you will encourage your fears to manifest themselves, so it's best to assume that the guy moving in is not even your GF's type, and that he'll do things like forget to flush. Last thing you should do is make a big deal out of it, because that will be the catalyst for pushing your GF away. 

Thanks for the thoughtful perspective. I get that and understand as I'd probably be inclined to look for a female flatmate to avoid a clash of masculinity or my place feeling like a scene from men behaving badly if we got on well. I know she doesn't have to seek my permission but my point is by doing so it signfies a comittment to our relationship? I think not showing that after 4 months is a bit shady. Yes I understand having jealous speculations in a relationship is unhealthy as there will always be things to get jealous about that's life but maybe I'd be better off with someone who's similarly cautious about the opposite sex when in a relationship? 

[Frivolous]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did you tell her this?

Because it sounds like you have trouble actually voicing your opinion here. You told her to offer him the room if she needed to, so she did. And now you are getting upset because she didn't read your mind? 

 

Yes I did and had to pressure her into explaining her logic for it which I thought was weird as there wasn't any natural consideration of how it may make me feel so feels like we are on different pages. Basically she just said because she already lived with a guy she didn't feel it would be a problem. I haven't said she must live with a female because I don't want to control her but I have most definitely said enough now, to the point I was thinking she may break up with me over it as I know no one wants to feel controlled. I think me saying if she needed to was pretty obvious that I expected her to at least make more effort to find someone just in the fact that on my mind it should be a pretty big deal that her partner is uncomfortable with a situation she can avoid? Shouldn't there be dome care there? 

I sent her a message saying there's plenty of people with adverts looking for a flatmate do she could check those out but when we met she just said 'well I've already offered him the room now' which I thought again just showed a compete disregard for my feelings 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Frivolous

[MsJayne]

10 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

I know she doesn't have to seek my permission but my point is by doing so it signfies a comittment to our relationship?

Hmm,  I don't know about that at such an early stage. You have to remember that sharing a living space with someone is more about money than socialising. If i was you I'd be far more worried if she'd asked some guy she was already friends with to move in, because that would signify that she liked his company. I do get that you feel threatened, many younger people would, but if you're seeing each other regularly and there's already an established exclusive relationship, I say don't let it rock the boat. He may turn up looking like Alfred E Newman and have the personality of a grey brick. 

[Frivolous]

26 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Hmm,  I don't know about that at such an early stage. You have to remember that sharing a living space with someone is more about money than socialising. If i was you I'd be far more worried if she'd asked some guy she was already friends with to move in, because that would signify that she liked his company. I do get that you feel threatened, many younger people would, but if you're seeing each other regularly and there's already an established exclusive relationship, I say don't let it rock the boat. He may turn up looking like Alfred E Newman and have the personality of a grey brick. 

If anything I think it's even more important at this early stage. If already together for years or even married then I think it's stranger to feel insecure as you have years of experience and commitment to base your opinion on. Without considering boundaries it feels like there's little care for the relationship we have built so far. I fear I'm going to hyper sensitive of him and her now and lack empathy if things go wrong which is really not great. I don't know how to just ignore it but I guess I just have to do my best to suck it up because I have a lot of negative emotion right now and it would be tragic for it to break what has been so good now. 

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

I thought again just showed a compete disregard for my feelings 

And you're showing a complete disregard for her autonomy.   What you're seeing here is her establishing boundaries - this is not a woman who will tolerate controlling behaviour.

Look, she didn't flip out about you living with another woman, so give her the trust she gives you.  If you can't let it go, I think you'll find yourself single very soon..

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by basil67

[Yosemite]

You might not sound jealous and insecure if 1) you didn't have a female roommate and 2) if she didn't have a male roommate when you met her.

You sound kind of irrational making all these  justifications like, "I told her to rent to him if she needs to, but I thought that she would understand that to mean that she should look for a female roommate." Huh?

Your jealousy and insecurity are going to end the relationship especially since you admit that you'd look for a female roommate if you needed a new roommate. Honestly, it looks like you're jealous, insecure and a hypocrite. Sorry.

[Frivolous]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And you're showing a complete disregard for her autonomy.  

Come on dude, she didn't flip out about you living with another woman, so give her the trust she gives you. 

 

I actually agree and I really don't like how I'm being but also shouldn't we feel content with how our partners deal with situations? 

That's a mute point as we lived together before we got together. My whole thing here is how she has decided to live with when we are 4 months in to what has been a super promising relationship. I could honestly see marrying her. Maybe that's why I'm so hung up on it 🤔

[Frivolous]

18 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

You might not sound jealous and insecure if 1) you didn't have a female roommate and 2) if she didn't have a male roommate when you met her.

You sound kind of irrational making all these  justifications like, "I told her to rent to him if she needs to, but I thought that she would understand that to mean that she should look for a female roommate." Huh?

Your jealousy and insecurity are going to end the relationship especially since you admit that you'd look for a female roommate if you needed a new roommate. Honestly, it looks like you're jealous, insecure and a hypocrite. Sorry.

That sounds like her justification for not considering me as she already lived with a guy so didn't think it would be a problem. This is not what I have a problem with! its the choosing to introduce a new male into her life in an intimate setting when shes now in a relationship without even considering me. Even if my flatmate moved out and I met a female I thought would be good to live with I just wouldn't now I'm in a relationship. I would never try to limit the male relationships she already has in her life. 

I don't think that's an irrational justification. I explicitly expressed my concern about a situation that could be avoided and she decided not too. I wouldn't expect her to mind read but I feel its something as simple as if your partner says they like red grapes before you go to the shop and you still decide to buy green ones you have displayed some in consideration? 

Again I categorically would not move a female into my flat now even if she says she's ok with it so I'm not hypocritical. Agree though that no matter how much a try to reason this out if I keep showing her jealousy it's not going to end well. 

 

 

[basil67]

No, we won't always feel content with the decisions a partner makes.   I've been with my partner nearly 30 years and there have been times when both of us made a decision which the other may not have been completely onboard with.  In that case, all you can do is consider whether or not it's a deal breaker and suck it up.   But making a big deal over it only serves to drive a wedge between you. 

For instance, I wouldn't care about opposite sex room mates, but I do care if he's out very drunk, very late.  Meanwhile, other people might care about the former and not the latter.  There's no right or wrong.....you just have to roll with the punches a bit.

I don't see why this can't continue to be a super promising relationship.  What you have to do is trust her.  Just as she trusts you to not sleep with your roommate. 

 

[basil67]

I just wanted to add: I think part of the problem here could be that you think you're right.   That is, as opposed to viewing it as two people with different opinions, both of which are right for themselves.    

Try and view it as a difference of opinion as opposed to right vs wrong.

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by basil67