Can I get over this insecurity?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but besides the hypocrisy of opposite sex roommates, trying to dictate to someone you've only been dating 16 weeks is bad news.

She doesn't need your approval or permission to get whatever roommate she wants.

Well, this isn't going to end well, is it?

But one thing you can be sure of is one of you will get tired of this controlling behavior and end it.

 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Frivolous said:

I didn't mind her having a male flatmate as he was already there. It's just how she's decided to move a strange guy in when she's now in a relationship. 

You have only been her BF for 4 months.  You get zero say in her housing arrangements.  She was not required to consult you.  She didn't consult you & now you are hurt.  She needs the money & may prefer to live with men so there are no cat fights or drama that can come from living with women.  

You are being unreasonable.  

[Frivolous]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I just wanted to add: I think part of the problem here could be that you think you're right.   That is, as opposed to viewing it as two people with different opinions, both of which are right for themselves.    

Try and view it as a difference of opinion as opposed to right vs wrong.

 

Thank you this does feel like helpful wisdom, positive but realistic. It definitely highlights that I need to get out of my black and white / right and wrong way of thinking if I'm ever going to maintain a long relationship. All I can see is her making a choice that doesn't fit my logic which upsets me but its 1 decision out of the billion she makes that I like. If I over analyse everything I will always find negatives so need to learn to see the bigger picture type thing. 

Everyone's different logic is interesting isn't it and when you make that point I too would rather have a girlfriend that prefers go live with guys rather than 1 that's out getting drunk a lot. I

The point about trust and worrying she will sleep with him seems to be the default thing people say when talking about these sorts of things and I don't understand why. Taking sex out of the equation should there not be any boundaries even with platonic relationships with the opposite sex? There is emotional cheating after all but no one seems to acknowledge that. Would you mind if your partner stayed at their opposite sex friends house, went on holiday with them or just spent a substantial amount of time with them? Are all these things perfectly acceptable as long as there's trust? 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Frivolous

[Frivolous]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to say but besides the hypocrisy of opposite sex roommates, trying to dictate to someone you've only been dating 16 weeks is bad news.

She doesn't need your approval or permission to get whatever roommate she wants.

Well, this isn't going to end well, is it?

But one thing you can be sure of is one of you will get tired of this controlling behavior and end it.

 

Again I categorically won't be moving another female in if my flatmate leaves now im a relationship so its not hypocritical. I'm hardly controlling her by explaining my discomfort am I? I'm not saying live with a girl or we'll break up, that would be controlling. 

IMO, if you need to spend time with the opposite sex that much to the point you'll disregard your partners feelings to do so then that's not healthy for a relationship either. 

[Frivolous]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have only been her BF for 4 months.  You get zero say in her housing arrangements.  She was not required to consult you.  She didn't consult you & now you are hurt.  She needs the money & may prefer to live with men so there are no cat fights or drama that can come from living with women.  

You are being unreasonable.  

I don't get this logic. So you're saying I should get a say but perhaps in 5 years when she has no need to house share because we're married with kids and live together? Trying to appease each others insecurities early on seems more reasonable to me than after 5 years of healthy marriage. 

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, Frivolous said:

Trying to appease each others insecurities early on seems more reasonable to me than after 5 years of healthy marriage. 

It's not up to someone else to appease our insecurities.  Rather, it's up to us to manage our own insecurities.    This means we have to figure out if it's a deal breaker or if we can live with it.  

2 hours ago, Frivolous said:

The point about trust and worrying she will sleep with him seems to be the default thing people say when talking about these sorts of things and I don't understand why. Taking sex out of the equation should there not be any boundaries even with platonic relationships with the opposite sex? 

 You're living with another woman - have you overshared or slept with her?  Or do you have boundaries with her?   In my experience, it's quite possible to live with someone of the opposite sex and still maintain boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

A healthy relationship does require open, honest communication especially when one person is bothered by the other's conduct.  However this early on you can't tell her what to do.  You can say what is upsetting you but since you live with a woman your GF wouldn't be off base to think you are being a hypocrite. 

Speaking up & discussing subjects is wonderful.  Trying to force somebody to do it your way is controlling.  Do you understand the difference?   

[smackie9]

On 6/23/2021 at 4:28 AM, d0nnivain said:

You have only been her BF for 4 months.  You get zero say in her housing arrangements.  She was not required to consult you.  She didn't consult you & now you are hurt.  She needs the money & may prefer to live with men so there are no cat fights or drama that can come from living with women.  

You are being unreasonable.  

I agree with this 100%. This is probably her way of thinking. It's tough finding a suitable roommate. Maybe he fits all the criteria, like a decent job, doesn't drink or smoke, has the cash now, can move in right away, can fix things around the house, cooks, cleans, etc. One thing I would do if I was her is do a criminal background check since this guy is a stranger.

[Frivolous]

On 6/23/2021 at 11:01 PM, basil67 said:

 

It's not up to someone else to appease our insecurities.  Rather, it's up to us to manage our own insecurities.    This means we have to figure out if it's a deal breaker or if we can live with it.  

 You're living with another woman - have you overshared or slept with her?  Or do you have boundaries with her?   In my experience, it's quite possible to live with someone of the opposite sex and still maintain boundaries.

Yes I'm now realising it's a case of me accepting who she is or breaking it off. If I have to spend that much time making her see my point of view then she's probably just not the right person for me. 

Again it's not that I think she will sleep with this guy just because she lives with him it's that she is moving him in in the 1st place as I wouldn't do that. I'm talking about boundaries in general. Like I wouldn't go to a club and start dancing with a girl now I'm in a relationship even if I had no intention of getting with her because I feel that's disrespectful to my relationship. Now I think would she do something like that? Where are her boundaries of respect? 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Frivolous

[Frivolous]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:20 PM, d0nnivain said:

A healthy relationship does require open, honest communication especially when one person is bothered by the other's conduct.  However this early on you can't tell her what to do.  You can say what is upsetting you but since you live with a woman your GF wouldn't be off base to think you are being a hypocrite. 

Speaking up & discussing subjects is wonderful.  Trying to force somebody to do it your way is controlling.  Do you understand the difference?   

Again I don't think I'm a hypocrite unless I decide to move another girl into my place which I won't do. 

I agree with you there, that is a difference I don't want to cross and have actually since said it needs to be her decision. She has still decided to move the guy in and I have even apologised for making her feel like I don't trust her. I don't want to be with someone that feels controlled! So I am proving its not about trust but I'm still marking this up as a negative as there was such little care or consideration of me when making her decision. 

[Frivolous]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:20 PM, smackie9 said:

I agree with this 100%. This is probably her way of thinking. It's tough finding a suitable roommate. Maybe he fits all the criteria, like a decent job, doesn't drink or smoke, has the cash now, can move in right away, can fix things around the house, cooks, cleans, etc. One thing I would do if I was her is do a criminal background check since this guy is a stranger.

Well she said its good that he does shifts like her but that was about it and I fail to see how that makes him more suitable than anyone else. I did pick up on her commenting that a yonger girl may not be suitable as she could be more into partying yet this guy is 8 years younger too so that also doesn't make sense. I did say it's not great moving somone in you've never even met in person but I've given up with my input now and hate to say it but will lack compassion if things go wrong! 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Frivolous said:

Well she said its good that he does shifts like her but that was about it and I fail to see how that makes him more suitable than anyone else. 

If 1 roommate works 9-5 but the other works shifts, they will wake each other up with their comings & goings.  Nobody will be able to watch TV in a common room while the other is sleeping. Even food prep in the kitchen will have to be done quietly so as not to disturb the other.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Frivolous said:

I fail to see how that makes him more suitable than anyone else.

Doctor=  job = reliable rental income. You need to chill about this. Or end it.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Frivolous said:

 I've given up with my input now and hate to say it but will lack compassion if things go wrong! 

Wow.   That doesn't bode well for your relationship.  When you don't get your way your response will be to freeze her out / practically gloat if she ends up hurt or taken advantage of.  

[Frivolous]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Doctor=  job = reliable rental income. You need to chill about this. Or end it.

Reliable young doctor who only needs the room for 12 months 🙄

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Frivolous said:

Reliable young doctor who only needs the room for 12 months 🙄

Why is that strange to you?  At any rate who she picks as a roommate is really none of your business.

[Frivolous]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is that strange to you?  At any rate who she picks as a roommate is really none of your business.

Because it gives less justification for why she would choose him. Its just down to her not wanting to change her decision in any way now rather than any justification. Nothing wrong with that I just feel it sets a precedent in the relationship of do what you want and only think about your partner after. 

I disagree there. Forgetting that he's male, are you saying it's none of my business if she decides to live with an alcoholic or druggie? 

[Frivolous]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Wow.   That doesn't bode well for your relationship.  When you don't get your way your response will be to freeze her out / practically gloat if she ends up hurt or taken advantage of.  

No I agree it doesnt hence why I'm trying to see how else people would handle it. Maybe I should be like her and just do what I want and if it makes her uncomfortable ill just carry on and ignore her because my pride to do what I want is more important 🙄

[Acacia98]

On 6/23/2021 at 8:06 AM, Frivolous said:

I really don't mind that she has lots of guy friends or lived with a guy before as they were already in her life before me. 

I wish I could just forget about it but it also makes me think of other situations ill be uncomfortable with now like would she go and stay at a guy mates house, would she go on holiday with a guy mate, would she spend time with an ex etc etc. Does no think there should be boundaries? 

She's had a guy roommate before, maybe even more than one. This is just another guy roommate. She's being exactly who she was when you met her. She hasn't changed a thing. You're asking her to change the way she normally behaves because you feel insecure about the unknown. Is it okay for you to express your concerns to her? Sure. Is it okay for her to go ahead and do what she wanted to do anyway? Sure. Does it make you incompatible? Possibly. It depends on how much of a dealbreaker this kind of thing will be for you going forward. But this is the whole point of dating, isn't it? You spend time with someone, you encounter situations together, you see how each of you responds to them, and you ultimately decide whether this is someone you want to make a life with.

So rather than getting anxious or trying to control every outcome, just relax and let things happen. Let the guy move in, observe whether her behavior changes, observe the guy and get a sense of what he's like, observe whether your feelings about the situation change or remain the same. Pay attention to all the other little details and boundary-related issues that matter to you. Then decide what you want to do.

[Acacia98]

On 6/23/2021 at 10:48 PM, Frivolous said:

Taking sex out of the equation should there not be any boundaries even with platonic relationships with the opposite sex? There is emotional cheating after all but no one seems to acknowledge that. Would you mind if your partner stayed at their opposite sex friends house, went on holiday with them or just spent a substantial amount of time with them? Are all these things perfectly acceptable as long as there's trust? 

But our opinions don't really matter, do they? We all have our own idiosyncrasies and our boundaries may differ drastically from yours. What matters is whether you can live with those things. If you can't, then make a point of dating women who share your boundaries.

Btw: 4 months is a short time. Remember: you're still getting to know her. Get to know her.

[Frivolous]

4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

She's had a guy roommate before, maybe even more than one. This is just another guy roommate. She's being exactly who she was when you met her. She hasn't changed a thing. You're asking her to change the way she normally behaves because you feel insecure about the unknown. Is it okay for you to express your concerns to her? Sure. Is it okay for her to go ahead and do what she wanted to do anyway? Sure. Does it make you incompatible? Possibly. It depends on how much of a dealbreaker this kind of thing will be for you going forward. But this is the whole point of dating, isn't it? You spend time with someone, you encounter situations together, you see how each of you responds to them, and you ultimately decide whether this is someone you want to make a life with.

So rather than getting anxious or trying to control every outcome, just relax and let things happen. Let the guy move in, observe whether her behavior changes, observe the guy and get a sense of what he's like, observe whether your feelings about the situation change or remain the same. Pay attention to all the other little details and boundary-related issues that matter to you. Then decide what you want to do.

Thanks I'm trying to do exactly this. It's not a deal breaker right now as the dating is really great and it's only been 4 months. I guess it's just more of a shock as it broke me out of the little bubble I was in. I guess it's just 1 of those things that will either mean the difference between her being a girlfriend or potential wife. Either way shoukd enjoy it for what it is and not worry about whadt it's not. Like you say can't speculate just have to spend more time together and see how we develop. 

[Frivolous]

13 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But our opinions don't really matter, do they? We all have our own idiosyncrasies and our boundaries may differ drastically from yours. What matters is whether you can live with those things. If you can't, then make a point of dating women who share your boundaries.

Btw: 4 months is a short time. Remember: you're still getting to know her. Get to know her.

Your opinions do matter as I have no other real guage of how 'reasonable' my feelings are. For all I know everyone would say I'm being completely ridiculous or agree with me. I can report that while the majority of people seem to share her view it has been a mixed bag. My 2 close guy mates and my girl cousin see it from my point of view whilst my mother and her mother totally agrees with her🤷‍♂️. (yes it's caused a lot of drama and debate!) The view on here seems to agree with her too so it really does seem to come down to one's own values.

I obviously do hope that I can adjust to it because she is really amazing and haven't met someone I've like as much in 15 years! It's a shame we can't just turn feelings off! 

 

[kendahke]

On 6/23/2021 at 4:10 PM, Frivolous said:

I don't get this logic. So you're saying I should get a say but perhaps in 5 years when she has no need to house share because we're married with kids and live together? Trying to appease each others insecurities early on seems more reasonable to me than after 5 years of healthy marriage. 

If you're that insecure at 16 weeks, then this relationship is doomed to fail.  That's something YOU need to get a grip on--she's not obligated to run her living situation by someone she's known for only 4 months.

At 16 weeks, you've barely made it out of the honeymoon phase of this.  You're in the phase where the reason why dating each other isn't a good idea---it's where you two figure out if you can even stand being in the same room with one another and already,  and here you are attempting to dictate to her how to run her legal business like you have standing. You don't.  You're just a dude she used to didn't know 16 weeks ago and she's got business to attend to. You notice she didn't ask you to be the roommate, so that should tell you everything you need to know about what your thoughts on how she runs her housing business fit into this--they don't.

[Frivolous]

56 minutes ago, kendahke said:

If you're that insecure at 16 weeks, then this relationship is doomed to fail.  That's something YOU need to get a grip on--she's not obligated to run her living situation by someone she's known for only 4 months.

At 16 weeks, you've barely made it out of the honeymoon phase of this.  You're in the phase where the reason why dating each other isn't a good idea---it's where you two figure out if you can even stand being in the same room with one another and already,  and here you are attempting to dictate to her how to run her legal business like you have standing. You don't.  You're just a dude she used to didn't know 16 weeks ago and she's got business to attend to. You notice she didn't ask you to be the roommate, so that should tell you everything you need to know about what your thoughts on how she runs her housing business fit into this--they don't.

I didn't say she was obligated I just feel values wise it would be a considerate thing to do and also a nice thing to show that she's committing / thinking about me? We talk everyday, see each other as much as possible (easily had 50+ dates, including whole weekends), been camping with her friends etc so think we are very comfortable with each other so seems like this is a reasonable expectation to me. I wouldn't expect her to offer me the room just think about me whrn making her decision. Not a lot to ask I think! 

 

People keep commenting on the length of time we've been together only being 4 months but I think that is somewhat irrelevant. I know people who have got married and started living together sooner than thst. Also these are the types of actions that help relationships progress I think. Otherwise keep acting like you're in a short term relationship and it will stay a short term relationship? 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Frivolous

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Frivolous said:

For all I know everyone would say I'm being completely ridiculous or agree with me. I can report that while the majority of people seem to share her view it has been a mixed bag. My 2 close guy mates and my girl cousin see it from my point of view whilst my mother and her mother totally agrees with her🤷‍♂️. (yes it's caused a lot of drama and debate!) The view on here seems to agree with her too so it really does seem to come down to one's own values.

There are literally people who  believe men and women should not even be platonic friends, so, as far as the "ridiculousness" of your "rules" for yourself goes, you're not on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Personally, I have a set of my rules for myself: I automatically regulate how I interact with my male friends and colleagues. When I am dating someone, I am very careful not to do certain things that might be perfectly innocent and well-intentioned because I can anticipate them laying a foundation for mistrust between me and my guy. But all of that has to come from within me. It should be the natural result of my own set of values. I would be resentful if a guy I was dating tried telling me what to do and what not to do.

So, to give you a relevant example, I might decide on my own not to have a male roommate. That would be fine. But it would be very different from my boyfriend telling me not to get a male roommate. That would make me wary of him.

Edited July 2, 2021 by Acacia98