Can I get over this insecurity?

[Crazelnut]

I'm going to give you what I think is the bottom line. Sorry if this seems harsh ...

You have major insecurities. Your view of romantic and nonromantic relationships is extremely black & white, and your expectations of how one behaves when in a relationship is unreasonable. Further, you seem to expect your partner to cater to your insecurities, to an unreasonable extent.

The woman you're dating is completely different in her world view. Her approach is much more normal, modern, and reasonable. I honestly don't think you two should be together. You should be with someone who shares your conservative views of relationships. You will always feel insecure and anxious until you either deal with your issues or find someone similarly minded.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Frivolous said:

 Some people just don't have such a need for making new opposite sex friends once in a relationship.

She's not running out to specifically make new male friends.

You're going nuts over a roommate and colleagues. Both of those are business transactions.

You need to get a handle on this type of thinking.

If you are from different cultures where woman do not look at or speak to males other than relatives, then you need to end it and find someone with your own value system.

[Frivolous]

On 7/27/2021 at 4:59 PM, Crazelnut said:

I'm going to give you what I think is the bottom line. Sorry if this seems harsh ...

You have major insecurities. Your view of romantic and nonromantic relationships is extremely black & white, and your expectations of how one behaves when in a relationship is unreasonable. Further, you seem to expect your partner to cater to your insecurities, to an unreasonable extent.

The woman you're dating is completely different in her world view. Her approach is much more normal, modern, and reasonable. I honestly don't think you two should be together. You should be with someone who shares your conservative views of relationships. You will always feel insecure and anxious until you either deal with your issues or find someone similarly minded.

I actually agree, the majority of people probably share her view. I wouldn't say I'm being unreasonable though, why is it so unreasonable to make a simple decision if it makes your partner happy? I would do it without thought especially if it didn't impact my life at all. She didn't care about living with a girl or guy so it wouldn't of been any compromise from her side. If it was just to keep her pride then to me thats a sign she doesn't value the relationship as much as she says. For me relationships are about pleasing your partner as they're after all are the 1 you are spending your life with. I would feel terrible deciding something that made my partner unhappy. If I was never will to be flexible or compromise then I would stay single. Now the precedent is if I'm making a decision that makes her uneasy I will carry on anyway because that's the level of commitment in the relationship 🤷‍♂️

[Frivolous]

On 7/27/2021 at 5:44 PM, Wiseman2 said:

She's not running out to specifically make new male friends.

You're going nuts over a roommate and colleagues. Both of those are business transactions.

You need to get a handle on this type of thinking.

If you are from different cultures where woman do not look at or speak to males other than relatives, then you need to end it and find someone with your own value system.

Arranging to hang out with guys she hasn't before isn't going out to make new male friends?? Yes they are colleagues (I think) but spending time together outside of work crosses that barrier into friendship does it not? She works with a lot more people than just these guys so it's a choice not a necessity. 

 

Again I will say there isn't actually any problem with this I want her to have as many friends as she needs but I still don't agree that making lots of opposite sex friends without thought is best when in a new relationship. I'm not from 1 of those very restrictive cultures, they are ridiculous to me. For me it's simply down to sending signals of commitment to my new partner that they are now the most important person as I don't believe anyone wants to be 1 of many potential partners in the 'honey moon' period. 

[Daisydooks]

On 7/27/2021 at 8:36 AM, Frivolous said:

the more opposite sex friends you have the greater the chance you will stray especially if things get a bit hard or just because you have a time of weakness and the option was there

So by mirroring her behaviour, are you not then putting your relationship on the line by doing this? Since she simply wont be able to stay faithful with more male friends, would that not be true of you? 

[Daisydooks]

Despite getting along well, I see this as a major incompatibility for you both. She cannot live with another man or make new friends without you being all over the place about it. I say you should end it and find someone more compatible. It seems this is a fundamental difference where neither of you is wrong. You just simply dont agree or see things the same way 

[Frivolous]

26 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

So by mirroring her behaviour, are you not then putting your relationship on the line by doing this? Since she simply wont be able to stay faithful with more male friends, would that not be true of you? 

I believe I am yes. That's not because I'm a cheater it's because I'm human and fallible which I believe everyone is no matter how faithful they set out to be. I'm not saying this is guaranteed, we're obviously above animals but given the right situation i.e meeting someone attractive / compatible, getting lots of attention, drinking, rocky time in your relationship the risk is increased more and more with the more potential options we give ourselves. I'd be deluded to think that I'm the most attractive and charming man in the world that no women would ever want to leave would I not? 

[Frivolous]

29 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Despite getting along well, I see this as a major incompatibility for you both. She cannot live with another man or make new friends without you being all over the place about it. I say you should end it and find someone more compatible. It seems this is a fundamental difference where neither of you is wrong. You just simply dont agree or see things the same way 

For the record I didn't say a thing about her arranging to hang out with guys from work I just thought it. I do realise the more I push my view the more chance it will end us or at least change her if she really wants to make me happy. Neither of this is what I want. I don't want to be with somone I've changed so all I can try is too mirror her behaviour and become more comfortable with it so at least I'll feel our relationship is more of a level playing field. Eventually I hope then my insecurities will fade and my values change and we have this 'modern' type relationship where there are no worries 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Frivolous said:

I don't believe anyone wants to be 1 of many potential partners in the 'honey moon' period. 

Do you feel like one of the 7 dwarfs?  Is there that much of a parade of males in her place?

[Frivolous]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you feel like one of the 7 dwarfs?  Is there that much of a parade of males in her place?

Guess I do! Well the new guy hasn't moved in yet but guess he's going to have guy mates over sometimes, unlikely he won't. The friend she hangs out with most is male and now she's arranging to hang out with more guys from work. 

For an insecure person it feels like I've been chucked in the deep end! 

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, Frivolous said:

(snip) I wouldn't say I'm being unreasonable though, why is it so unreasonable to make a simple decision if it makes your partner happy? I would do it without thought especially if it didn't impact my life at all. She didn't care about living with a girl or guy so it wouldn't of been any compromise from her side. If it was just to keep her pride then to me thats a sign she doesn't value the relationship as much as she says. For me relationships are about pleasing your partner as they're after all are the 1 you are spending your life with. I would feel terrible deciding something that made my partner unhappy. If I was never will to be flexible or compromise then I would stay single. Now the precedent is if I'm making a decision that makes her uneasy I will carry on anyway because that's the level of commitment in the relationship 🤷‍♂️

Um. You've only been dating 4 months! Way too early to have these kinds of expectations for commitment and making decisions to please a partner. A doctor will be an excellent roommate - gone a lot, no worries about getting stiffed on rent, etc. She wants him as a roommate, and honestly, after only 4 months, you don't get to have expectations about her living arrangements. 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, Frivolous said:

Arranging to hang out with guys she hasn't before isn't going out to make new male friends?? Yes they are colleagues (I think) but spending time together outside of work crosses that barrier into friendship does it not? She works with a lot more people than just these guys so it's a choice not a necessity. 

First of all, her BOSS invited these guys. Not her. And they're colleagues, not guys they picked up at a casino. Going out after work with a group of mixed sex colleagues is perfectly normal and perfectly reasonable. 

Secondly, even if she does become friends with guys, so what? Unless she starts hanging 1:1 with a new guy or excluding you from meeting him/them, it's no big deal. Friends. It can be just friends 

Your view of relationships makes me sad. The level of constant mistrust. Everyone is 5 minutes away from cheating because everyone is in heat and finds anyone of the opposite sex alluring. Life just isn't like that. If your GF knew you were thinking half the stuff you post here, she'd drop you like a rock. Deep down, you two are incompatible 

[Frivolous]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

First of all, her BOSS invited these guys. Not her. And they're colleagues, not guys they picked up at a casino. Going out after work with a group of mixed sex colleagues is perfectly normal and perfectly reasonable. 

Secondly, even if she does become friends with guys, so what? Unless she starts hanging 1:1 with a new guy or excluding you from meeting him/them, it's no big deal. Friends. It can be just friends 

Your view of relationships makes me sad. The level of constant mistrust. Everyone is 5 minutes away from cheating because everyone is in heat and finds anyone of the opposite sex alluring. Life just isn't like that. If your GF knew you were thinking half the stuff you post here, she'd drop you like a rock. Deep down, you two are incompatible 

Well I'm not totally sure my gf wasn't the 1 to arrange it but like you say there isn't anything wrong with hanging out with colleagues. I was just clocking the fact that she is happy to do things with new guy friends I didn't actually say anything to her. Turns out they couldn't make it so it was just her and her boss. 

She does hang 1:1 with her guy friend but I'm ok with that as they've been friends for some time. It's new guys I'm wary about. 

I get your point but I think you're in the majority of people that just don't see it from this point of view so don't understand. I actually get sad that from your point of view its all about sex, mistrust and jealously. If I didn't trust her I wouldn't of got past a few dates! If I thought she was going to have sex with every person she met I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole so that's nonsense. My point is merely that attraction to the opposite sex doesn't simply cease to exist just because you've fallen in love with someone. For this reason even if sex isnt involved it's still not nice for a partner to be forming intimate new relationships with the opposite sex purely out of respect. For me it's about showing my gf that she is now the most important girl in my world and I don't think making new girl mates signals that. I do this out of care and it makes me sad that you would say its out of control or something like that. To me it's just paranoid in a different type of way that because I act like that I will just end up being a control freak who will start to tell my gf what she can wear and things like that when that's simply not true and distrusting in itself.