Found out husband cheated whiles pregnant.

[Donewithlove]

Hi, I'm a first time poster here so here it goes..

My husband and I have been married for 4 and half years now but apparently he has been unfaithful for most of it. My husband and I were introduced by a mutual pastor and after a year of "dating" ( we lived in different countries at the time) we got married. I thought our marriage was going well until late 2018 he started behaving weirdly.i.e. he'll get angry at me for no reason, he will go days without checking up on me but he constantly gave excuses when i complain because suspected him of cheating.

Forward to April 2019, his behavior was still off initially when I went to visit him ( ours was a long distance relationship due to circumstances beyond our control but i made sure to visit my husband as often as possible). I accused him of cheating which he denied again. In fact the situation was so awful that we had to go before the head pastors in his church for counseling because 1) they introduced us and 2) they married us. After the counseling, everything seemed to go back to normal. We were communicating and we were back to our usual loving self or so i thought.

A few weeks after returning back home, he called with the news that he had had an affair with a lady in his church who got pregnant but they had to abort it. The only reason he was telling me this was because his head pastor found out and confronted him and the lady that's why he finally came clean. According to him, the affair had been over for months prior to the pastor finding out. I was utterly devastated and felt so betrayed. I refused to continue with the marriage becauae my husband knew cheating was a deal-breaker for me because of what I'd experienced in my previous relationship. His pastors kept convincing me to stay married to him because he appeared remorseful and apparently be had tried to commit suicide.

We've been wanting kids for a while and it seemed all our prayers were answered when we found out i was pregnant in october last year. Last month he told me he had to travel to our country for business ( we now leave at the same place by the way) I was almost 8 months pregnant then and felt he didnt need to go but i said nothing and allowed him to go because he was acting secretive and weird again and I just didnt want to fight. Whilst he was away, I'll call him and he will make excuses that he couldn't talk  that it was noisy where he was so he'll call me back but he wouldn't or when he did, it will be hours later. After he came back from his trip, he was watching a movie on Netflix on his second phone but had fallen asleep ( I have the password to his first phone but not this particular one) so I was able to get into the phone to check his messages... I found out that he had hooked up with someone whiles on the trip. From the little i could gather, it seems he was in contact with this person before he left for the trip. Most of their messages had been deleted so I couldn't gather much. I also found some ambiguous messages between him and a different lady i can't seem to understand but my bet is he was hooking up with 2 different people at the same time if not more. The night I found out I questioned him but he refused to answer so I packed a few things of mine and my baby's and left for my parent's because I wasn't going back to that house or him ever again. Unfortunately, the next morning i found out that my baby had died at 8 and half months during a routine check up. That same morning before I left for the antenatal my husband had come to my mom's place asking me to go home with him and that he'll tell me everything I needed to know. All this happened 2 weeks ago. We've both been grieving so we hadn't had the time to really talk. I brought up his affair and the fact that he had promised to tell me what happened on his trip. The only thing he told me is that I don't deserve to know abd that he wasn't ready to talk about it. He has shown no remorse regarding this affair. This whole thing coupled with my baby's death have left me in a pretty bad place. I haven't told my family what's been going on in my marriage. I feel so stupid and ashamed of myself for believing he had change the first time it happened. I just need some advice on what to do next.

[stillafool]

You need to tell your family what he has been doing to you.  I'm so, so sorry about your little baby (hugs) how painful that must be.  Now that your baby is gone there is no good reason to stay with your husband.  You should get your things and move back into your parents home to heal.  Take care of yourself.  Let him go.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Now that your baby is gone there is no good reason to stay with your husband.  You should get your things and move back into your parents home to heal. 

Agreed with all of this. 

I'm very sorry about your baby, OP. What awful news. This man never should have gotten married as it's clear he has never taken you seriously and does not really care about your marriage. Divorce him and get away from him. He's never going to be the husband you dream of and deserve.