How should someone react when someone dumps you? Act civil and 'wish them luck' in hopes of them being friends and coming back to you if things don't work out with the other?

[Katkats7777]

How should someone react when someone dumps you? Angry or act cool and pretend it doesn't bother you? or that theory of wishing them well and them realizing that the breakup never bothered you and one day if things don't work out with the other person the will come back to you? I mean, if you go ape-crazy they surely they would see how upset you are and think you are crazy and not civil. any experiences? 

[basil67]

Did this just happen?  I'm so sorry.   I'd like to think I'd tell them I'm sorry to hear they are feeling that way, but that I accept their decision.   I'd also tell them that I need No Contact in order to get over them.   Privately, I'd go and wallow in self pity for a bit before getting it together and looking to the future.   The sun will come out again.

But in actuality, sadness or anger or disappointment can make us act in ways which may not be ideal.   Just do what you need to do to get over it

Edited June 23, 2021 by basil67

[Happy Lemming]

I'm the best person I can be, if that isn't good enough for the person I'm dating... so be it.

When I get dumped, I usually grab a shower and head out.  I start looking for that person's replacement.

I do not call the dumper or contact them in any way.  I do delete their number from my phone, so I don't drunk text them, but I don't block them.  (just in case the woman decides she made a mistake in dumping me)

On a few occasions, I can say I've wished them luck and hope they find what they are looking for.

I've never gone "ape-crazy"... too many fish in the sea to stoop to that level.

[Katkats7777]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm the best person I can be, if that isn't good enough for the person I'm dating... so be it.

When I get dumped, I usually grab a shower and head out.  I start looking for that person's replacement.

I do not call the dumper or contact them in any way.  I do delete their number from my phone, so I don't drunk text them, but I don't block them.  (just in case the woman decides she made a mistake in dumping me)

On a few occasions, I can say I've wished them luck and hope they find what they are looking for.

I've never gone "ape-crazy"... too many fish in the sea to stoop to that level.

well see i didn't go ape-crazy or at least I don't think I did.... after he told me he didn't want to see me and that he's pursing another girl and made this big explanation about the good times. I proceeded to ask him questions like why now, when did you decided this, why did you come over yesterday, why did he make plans with me for next week, etc, etc....and he never responded to any of it. the final thing he said, was "I'M SORRY I CAN'T SEE OR TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.'  Hence, "anymore" Guess this means he's never going to come back to talk to me in the future?

 

And did i go ape crazy? I kept asking him questions as to why, when, etc,etc... 

define ape crazy?

Edited June 23, 2021 by Katkats7777

[Happy Lemming]

Why ask questions??  You know the answers are going to be lies, so why bother.

In all likely hood, he has known this new woman for a while and wanted to "monkey branch" from you to the new person.  He told you what you wanted to hear up until the point that he was sleeping with the new woman.  At that point, no need to keep you around anymore... time to go.

As far as "ape-crazy"... I would define it as screaming, crying, possibly throwing things, etc.

Personally, my brain goes into "mute" mood when a woman dumps me, as I don't need to hear her reasons or vitriol towards me.  If I'm not good enough for her, so be it... I'm not going to change who I am to keep someone around.  I am, who I am.

 

[Katkats7777]

23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why ask questions??  You know the answers are going to be lies, so why bother.

In all likely hood, he has known this new woman for a while and wanted to "monkey branch" from you to the new person.  He told you what you wanted to hear up until the point that he was sleeping with the new woman.  At that point, no need to keep you around anymore... time to go.

As far as "ape-crazy"... I would define it as screaming, crying, possibly throwing things, etc.

Personally, my brain goes into "mute" mood when a woman dumps me, as I don't need to hear her reasons or vitriol towards me.  If I'm not good enough for her, so be it... I'm not going to change who I am to keep someone around.  I am, who I am.

 

what kind of lies ? we literally just saw each other yesterday and he came over and even made plans to see each other next week then this bombshell came today? 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Katkats7777

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

what kind of lies ? we literally just saw each other yesterday and he came over and even made plans to see each other next week then this bombshell came today? 

He was keeping up a facade until he "sealed the deal" with the new woman.

He told you about plans (next week) - which was a lie - until he was ready to sever ties with you and go 100% to the new woman.

 

[Katkats7777]

45 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

He was keeping up a facade until he "sealed the deal" with the new woman.

He told you about plans (next week) - which was a lie - until he was ready to sever ties with you and go 100% to the new woman.

 

"sealed the deal' like what? she gave him the green light or something? this came all of a sudden. Like last month I had my suspicions and he reassured me the she was just a friend i even asked him if he still wanted to see me, he said yes. we were going to spend time alot this summer. what's weird is that after i asked him all those questions to which he nevered answered, he made his instagram private after it was a public acct for months where I could peek and funny thing is he never knew that i had an instagram and that i was looking at it.  

and from your past experience whenever  a woman dumped you, how often did they come back like make contact with you ? just wondering

Edited June 23, 2021 by Katkats7777

[Dis]

The second a man dumps me while mentioning another woman is the second he doesn't hear another word from me and it's also when I realize I really didn't lose anything at all 

[Highndry]

Pretend they're dead, that they don't even exist.

[ExpatInItaly]

How you react when someone dumps you rarely makes any difference, OP.

They're already thinking ahead to their new adventures so the reaction of the ex isn't really that important to them. 

[MsJayne]

Just let them go and don't contact them. Ever. I once wrote a scathing letter to someone who had dumped me during a delusive moment where I imagined he actually cared what I thought. Two months later, when I'd got over it, I felt really stupid and embarrassed.  Act in haste, repent at leisure.  One thing you absolutely do not do is stalk them in any way. I've seen some carnage when girlfriends have been dumped and let their emotions get the better of them. Like the time 'K' broke into her newly-exes house one night after the pub, because in her drunken state she was sure he was just feeling scared of his own emotions and would be missing her badly. She found him in bed with someone else - that was pretty ugly, especially because she climbed through the kitchen window and there were a few tomatoes he'd picked that day on the window sill. The other memorable Angry Dumpee occasion was 'S'.  She'd spent a week doing drive-by's, checking out who was at his house and trying to spy through the lounge window from behind his front wall. It got out of hand when he went out one Friday night and she followed him to a pub where she tried to engage him in conversation and he told her to leave him alone. She then went out to the street and located his car....and kicked in a couple of panels. The police had a bit of input on that one. Yep, definitely best to leave any future contact to the dumper. Keep your dignity at all costs.  

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

"sealed the deal' like what? she gave him the green light or something?

 

He had sex with her...

2 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

 

and from your past experience whenever  a woman dumped you, how often did they come back like make contact with you ? just wondering

I've had a couple of women come back, but it was rarely successful.  Problems re-surfaced.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

. I proceeded to ask him questions like why now, when did you decided this, why did you come over yesterday, why did he make plans with me for next week, etc, etc....

 How long were you dating?

Just block and delete someone who gives you the "we're not a match" speech.

You're wasting your time reading someone the riot act when they no longer wish to see you.

Unfortunately you may have some baggage that you unleashed on him that's from somewhere else.

This seems out of proportion, no?

[Katkats7777]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How long were you dating?

Just block and delete someone who gives you the "we're not a match" speech.

You're wasting your time reading someone the riot act when they no longer wish to see you.

Unfortunately you may have some baggage that you unleashed on him that's from somewhere else.

This seems out of proportion, no?

7 months

[Katkats7777]

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

He had sex with her...

I've had a couple of women come back, but it was rarely successful.  Problems re-surfaced.

 

this was total out of the blue which baffles me. just last friday his behavior was sooo eager to see me on monday, etc, etc, and he was excited about seeing me, then just a day later, no more. do you think he is using an excuse NOT to see me? like maybe there really isn't another girl involved? i mean i had my suspicions b/c just last week i saw his snap story where there was  a pic of his friend, he kept saying in the beginning they are " just friends." doesn't make sense. 

He wasn't doing the slow fade away or his behavior didn't change that much and there was no ghosting...or long replies when i contacted him. just this ended abruptly. which makes me think if he was fed up with me and wanted to cut ties, but none of that moments before..  

[d0nnivain]

I understand the urge to ask Qs but still asking them was the wrong thing to do.  You were never going to get straight answers.  When you get that emotional gut punch it's hard to think clearly. 

This also wasn't all that out of the blue.  You said it yourself.  You were suspicious of this woman last month but he told you they were just friends.  Obviously that was a lie.  

I'm sorry you are hurting but you won't get answers from him.  Be done.  Don't look back.  Even if things don't work out with her & he tries to come back to you, why would you want him after what he did to you? 

The best thing to do is be as stoic as possible.  Crying is acceptable because it does hurt but you say things like " I understand" even when you don't and "if that's what you want" and hold your head high.  You don't beg or chase.  You let them walk away. Then you cry your eyes out, grieve for the loss, go NC on all platforms & start the healing process.   When you bum into them in public you give a tight lipped smile & a curt nod of the head in acknowledgement, then move along.  Except to your most loyal BFF who will never speak of it & betray you, to everyone else who asks you say something banal like "we wanted different things" or "we're better off apart."  Don't give in to the gossips or bad mouth him in public.  You want to stay on the high road.  He knows he was a louse.  

[Pumpernickel]

10 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

In all likely hood, he has known this new woman for a while and wanted to "monkey branch" from you to the new person. 

Yup. Otherwise, he wouldn’t mention her at all or the fact that he “wants to pursue” other women. Therefore, what you should have done, is nothing. He breaks up. You say Oh, OK. Or you say nothing at all. 
 

See - When somebody decides to break up with you they have been thinking about this for a while in terms of the R coming to an end.That’s what they want and they have thought it through. If the breakup isn’t some knee jerk  Reaction to some stupid fight, it’s always like that. You literally have no leverage, and they don’t owe you an explanation. So bow out gracefully. Whatever happens a few months down the road you have no influence on either. They might ask for you back or they might be gone forever

Edited June 23, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Katkats7777]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I understand the urge to ask Qs but still asking them was the wrong thing to do.  You were never going to get straight answers.  When you get that emotional gut punch it's hard to think clearly. 

This also wasn't all that out of the blue.  You said it yourself.  You were suspicious of this woman last month but he told you they were just friends.  Obviously that was a lie.  

I'm sorry you are hurting but you won't get answers from him.  Be done.  Don't look back.  Even if things don't work out with her & he tries to come back to you, why would you want him after what he did to you? 

The best thing to do is be as stoic as possible.  Crying is acceptable because it does hurt but you say things like " I understand" even when you don't and "if that's what you want" and hold your head high.  You don't beg or chase.  You let them walk away. Then you cry your eyes out, grieve for the loss, go NC on all platforms & start the healing process.   When you bum into them in public you give a tight lipped smile & a curt nod of the head in acknowledgement, then move along.  Except to your most loyal BFF who will never speak of it & betray you, to everyone else who asks you say something banal like "we wanted different things" or "we're better off apart."  Don't give in to the gossips or bad mouth him in public.  You want to stay on the high road.  He knows he was a louse.  

I dont understand the fact that he said he can’t see or talk to me “anymore.” I mean he’s still friends with his ex girlfriend on social media and he still comments and likes her pictures yet with me he flat out said that he can’t talk to me anymore and he still is friendly with some ex before me? And whats nothing to do with me now but is still good terms with his ex? Why is that.?

also we only talked on snapchat and noticed after i started asking questions he turn off his location as of he thought i was going to follow him. He apparently had no idea i was looking at his location. I didnt say anything crazy at least i dont think i did. The last thing i said was” i just need some closure and then i’ll go.” Is that a psycho comment? 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Katkats7777

[d0nnivain]

Because he thinks you were overly dramatic.  

[Katkats7777]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yup. Otherwise, he wouldn’t mention her at all or the fact that he “wants to pursue” other women. Therefore, what you should have done, is nothing. He breaks up. You say Oh, OK. Or you say nothing at all. 
 

See - When somebody decides to break up with you they have been thinking about this for a while in terms of the R coming to an end.That’s what they want and they have thought it through. If the breakup isn’t some knee jerk  Reaction to some stupid fight, it’s always like that. You literally have no leverage, and they don’t owe you an explanation. So bow out gracefully. Whatever happens a few months down the road you have no influence on either. They might ask for you back or they might be gone forever

Yeah but when i asked him last month he kept reassuring me that he has eyes for no one else and that he still wants to see me. He even made plans for us to spend alot of time together this summer.

 

and dont guys start ghosting or behavior is off when there is another women involved? He did none of those things.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Katkats7777

[d0nnivain]

He lied.  It's a simple as that. Stop looking for more complicate explanations.  He said what he had to say to keep you around until his connection with her was solid enough for him to monkey branch. 

[Katkats7777]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Because he thinks you were overly dramatic.  

By asking questions. ? Does he seriously think im going to his house and start stalking him now?

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea what he thinks but if he is "friends" on social media with other EX & not you, that is the only explanation that comes to mind.  Maybe he did this to them too, then added them back later? 

Who cares?  Being friends on social media with an EX is asking for trouble.  You don't need that level of insight into the other's new life.  Delete & move on.  Full NC.  What's the problem other than this is so fresh you are holding on to anything, hoping he'll come back? 

[Katkats7777]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He lied.  It's a simple as that. Stop looking for more complicate explanations.  He said what he had to say to keep you around until his connection with her was solid enough for him to monkey branch. 

Could it be possibly he was telling the the truth and he was really just friends with her and something happened?