How should someone react when someone dumps you? Act civil and 'wish them luck' in hopes of them being friends and coming back to you if things don't work out with the other?

[kendahke]

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How should someone react when someone dumps you?

Like you have the sense you were born with. I mean, what's the alternative? Acting in a way that lands you in an orange jumpsuit, courtesy of the county jail?

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Act civil and 'wish them luck' in hopes of them being friends and coming back to you if things don't work out with the other?

Yes, although  I wouldn't take it so far as to welcome them back after demoting me.

You wish them well and move off in a different direction.

Forever.

Edited June 27, 2021 by kendahke

[Katkats7777]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He felt weird about it. 

Well i told him that i didnt have a problem with it unless he does and he told me he didnt and that he didnt know b/c he assumed i would feel uncomfortable.

so what you are saying is that he felt weird about me being older and possibly his friends disapproval? I doubt his buddies were going to interrogate me about how old i am. If it was just one night of formal why wouldnt he have asked me?  

Edited June 27, 2021 by Katkats7777

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

I doubt his buddies were going to interrogate me about how old i am. If it was just one night of formal why wouldnt he have asked me?  

They don't have to interrogate you to know you are way older than them.  They have eyes and aren't stupid.  I do think he was uncomfortable bringing you along.   I have to ask - where did you see this fling going?

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

Well i told him that i didnt have a problem with it unless he does and he told me he didnt and that he didnt know b/c he assumed i would feel uncomfortable.

so what you are saying is that he felt weird about me being older and possibly his friends disapproval? I doubt his buddies were going to interrogate me about how old i am. If it was just one night of formal why wouldnt he have asked me?  

His mates wouldn't have interrogated you, but he would never have lived it down.   Besides, it sounds like he now has a girl who he sees a future with, so it makes sense that he'd take her.

Were the two of you ever official bf/gf?

[lana-banana]

You are ~40 years old and are upset you weren't asked to a college formal? There are a LOT of questions I could ask, not least of which being why in the world do you want to hang out with people that age? I'm 34 and find almost everyone under 30 exhausting. It's one thing to have a fun, hot fling with a young person, but why do you want a relationship with one? What does that say about your own place in life that you feel you relate best to a kid who hasn't figured anything out yet?

[Katkats7777]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

They don't have to interrogate you to know you are way older than them.  They have eyes and aren't stupid.  I do think he was uncomfortable bringing you along.   I have to ask - where did you see this fling going?

If it was the “other way” around people wouldn’t talk. I know of a 46 year old man in a relationship with some 24 year old woman. People don't question that. He hangs out with people half his age.

[basil67]

Perhaps you don't gossip about a 20 year age gap as above (and good for you), but plenty of others do.   The phrases 'it will be a short term fling' and 'she'll grow out of him' come to mind.  

There was a thread here not too long ago with 40 something guy interested in early 20's woman.  A large number of posters gave negative feedback to him approaching her romantically.

[Daisydooks]

18 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

If it was the “other way” around people wouldn’t talk. I know of a 46 year old man in a relationship with some 24 year old woman. People don't question that. He hangs out with people half his age.

Oh they talk! Lol. It happens less with women being the older one for sure but dont think its not noticed when a 24 year old female walks into any place really and is seen with a 46 year old man. He is seen as a sugar daddy in most people's eyes, Im sure. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by Daisydooks
A word

[basil67]

And then there's the thing where the younger woman says "I can't introduce him to my parents because they'd flip out"  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I know of a 46 year old man in a relationship with some 24 year old woman. People don't question that. He hangs out with people half his age.

You're being naive if you believe nobody says anything about this behind their backs. 

And anyway, it isn't relevant to your situation. The guy in question here does not want a relationship with you. He probably made his social media private because he (correctly) guessed that you have difficulty accepting "no" and letting go. 

[Allupinnit]

Woman, if you are in your 40's you know better than this childish crap.  Why the hell do you want to go to a college formal?!  I'd rather get my TEETH CLEANED.  And I'm not even joking about that.  I can think of so many more enjoyable ways to spend time than hanging out with drunk college kids.  Are you good at flip cup?  Do you enjoy cheap beer and keg stands?  Let the kids enjoy their party ffs.  He knows this too and probably thinks it's super weird that you'd want to go, nobody wants their mom there.

I don't care how old you THINK you look, there is no shame in being an attractive 40-something year old woman and OWNING that.  Pretending/fronting that you are younger comes across as insecure and desperate!  

Did you think at some point you'd get serious and he'd introduce you to his parents, who might be YOUR age?  

[Acacia98]

On 6/23/2021 at 4:06 PM, d0nnivain said:

Because he thinks you were overly dramatic.  

I dont know enough about the situation to be sure at this point but it sounds to me like he's the type of guy who cant stand drama but somehow manages to do things that are bound to provoke drama.

[stillafool]

On 6/23/2021 at 9:00 AM, Katkats7777 said:

dont understand the fact that he said he can’t see or talk to me “anymore.” I mean he’s still friends with his ex girlfriend on social media and he still comments and likes her pictures yet with me he flat out said that he can’t talk to me anymore and he still is friendly with some ex before me? And whats nothing to do with me now but is still good terms with his ex? Why is that.?

Now I understand why he's doing this.  He may still have attraction for his ex gfs or they are now friends that he will see within his social groups.  He doesn't see this happening with you.

[Acacia98]

On 6/26/2021 at 4:17 AM, SumGuy said:

Simple answer is he lied to you and led you on to monkeybranch. 
 

The best revenge is to just live well.  He is not worth one more ounce of your energy or one more minute of thought.  
He’s a d**che bag, lucky you found out early. 

I agree. It sounds like this is basically what happened. 

On 6/26/2021 at 3:20 PM, Katkats7777 said:

I didnt think it was going to last this long though. I met him before thanksgiving, so i figured when he went back to school things would fizzle but no.

I think you need to return to that frame of mind where you reckoned that things would fizzle out. That was the most realistic expectation to have. Unfortunately, he lied to you, and you believed him. I can see how that could hurt. I can especially see how it could bruise someone's ego and make them feel humiliated. 

The way he treated you does not define who you are or what you deserve. Close this chapter with dignity by blocking him too (if it is possible) and getting out there and meeting new people.

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

Well i told him that i didnt have a problem with it unless he does and he told me he didnt and that he didnt know b/c he assumed i would feel uncomfortable.

so what you are saying is that he felt weird about me being older and possibly his friends disapproval? I doubt his buddies were going to interrogate me about how old i am. If it was just one night of formal why wouldnt he have asked me?  

An important fact not aware of.  He is 20 years younger?  Well he may well have meant all he said, or at least half meant it, but at some point he thought "What am I doing?"  "I'm young enough to be her son."  "When I'm 40+ she'll be 60+" 

He finally realized on all levels that you two are at completely different life stages, that this thing would not, could not last.  Whatever other women he met or knew, he realized he did not want to throw away an opportunity to connect with someone where there is potential for a future together.  Now this may have happened before things between you two ran their course, but this new opportunity got him to really evaluate just what is he doing.

This new information (to me) leads me to think he may not being a d**uche just a kid who got in over his head, and had no idea how to gracefully exit (I could be wrong he could have often dated women 20 years older).  If he does not have a history of dating women 20 years older, then he could well have just been at a loss on how to end it. 

[Katkats7777]

11 hours ago, SumGuy said:

An important fact not aware of.  He is 20 years younger?  Well he may well have meant all he said, or at least half meant it, but at some point he thought "What am I doing?"  "I'm young enough to be her son."  "When I'm 40+ she'll be 60+" 

He finally realized on all levels that you two are at completely different life stages, that this thing would not, could not last.  Whatever other women he met or knew, he realized he did not want to throw away an opportunity to connect with someone where there is potential for a future together.  Now this may have happened before things between you two ran their course, but this new opportunity got him to really evaluate just what is he doing.

This new information (to me) leads me to think he may not being a d**uche just a kid who got in over his head, and had no idea how to gracefully exit (I could be wrong he could have often dated women 20 years older).  If he does not have a history of dating women 20 years older, then he could well have just been at a loss on how to end it. 

I get that but he is only 20 , hes got plenty of time of establish relationships. And what i was hoping we could have spent the summer together . What is he throwing awaY potential girls? Its not like they are getting married anytime soon. 

[Katkats7777]

13 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Woman, if you are in your 40's you know better than this childish crap.  Why the hell do you want to go to a college formal?!  I'd rather get my TEETH CLEANED.  And I'm not even joking about that.  I can think of so many more enjoyable ways to spend time than hanging out with drunk college kids.  Are you good at flip cup?  Do you enjoy cheap beer and keg stands?  Let the kids enjoy their party ffs.  He knows this too and probably thinks it's super weird that you'd want to go, nobody wants their mom there.

I don't care how old you THINK you look, there is no shame in being an attractive 40-something year old woman and OWNING that.  Pretending/fronting that you are younger comes across as insecure and desperate!  

Did you think at some point you'd get serious and he'd introduce you to his parents, who might be YOUR age?  

I’m actually 39. And i never experienced college life or dating or sex at that age of 18-22

Edited June 28, 2021 by Katkats7777

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Katkats7777 said:

What is he throwing awaY potential girls?

He has more in common with women around his own age. More potential for an actual relationship and not just a fling. 

You can disagree with his choice and argue against it all you want, but in the end, it changes nothing. The fact that others have had successful age-gap relaitonships changes nothing. He's decided to pursue someone else, and that's that.You have no real alternative but to accept that. 

I would also wonder why you're interested in a 20-year-old for anything but a fling. I am 40 too, and could not imagine being curious about a guy that young anymore. I'm past that stage in my life and would not be looking to hang out with college kids. I can think of 100 other ways I'd prefer to spend my weekend than go to a college formal or a college party with people 2 decades younger than me. And I can nearly promise you that the majority of them wouldn't really want a woman nearing 40 years old hanging out with them, either. 

Do you generally not socialize with people closer to your age? What about previous boyfriends? Have they been around your age? 

Edited June 28, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Allupinnit]

8 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I’m actually 39. And i never experienced college life or dating or sex at that age of 18-22

My point stands and it's not cute when mature women try to reclaim the party girl youth they think they missed out on.  It looks SAD.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

And what i was hoping we could have spent the summer together .

And he is probably hoping to be partying with young people doing what 18-20 year olds do in the summer together.  This is a precious time for him.  You're only young once and he wants to live out his youth with his peers.  Why can't you understand that?

 

8 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

And i never experienced college life or dating or sex at that age of 18-22

I'm sorry you missed that but it isn't fair to expect to experience it with him.  That time has passed for you.  39-1/2 is as close to 40 as 19-1/2 is to 20.  Guys his age normally are daing 18 year olds.

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I get that but he is only 20 , hes got plenty of time of establish relationships. And what i was hoping we could have spent the summer together . What is he throwing awaY potential girls? Its not like they are getting married anytime soon. 

Well from a perspective of many years, I'm 50+, I agree.  Yet when you are 20 it doesn't seem like you have all the time in the world, far from it. 

Oh yes marriage I would guess is not on the horizon, but he will never get to a serious relationship that could progress to much more, to building a life together with someone until her starts.  Not to be mean, but did you really see building a life with him?  Did he see it?  You are at two very different stages in life.  I know it happens, even to those who are not rich and famous, but realistically was this ever going to be more than fun for a time?

And if actually 20 he can't even legally drink where I live.  He's young, so wouldn't expect him to be the one making rational, mature and well thought out relationship decisions.  His intentions may well be good just his execution horrible.    He lacks expereince and knowledge, and likely thinks he knows much more than he does...again typical when 20.  All that being said, being so much older you'd have to be the one to take the high road here...and maybe you gave him a great expereince he will never forget and fondly remember for the rest of his life.  

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I’m actually 39. And i never experienced college life or dating or sex at that age of 18-22

Well now you have, a bit on the sex part.   

[stillafool]

Where did you see this going?  You are soon to be 40 he isn't even drinking age yet.  Here you have to be 21 to drink.  One day after his career and much dating he will want to settle down and have children.  You will be way too old for anything like that.  If you really cared about him you would have realized these things and wished him well.  Instead you want to go to his college dances and hold him captive for the summer.  I think you are being selfish and only thinking about what you want which seems to be to relive your youth through this young boy. It's past time to grow up.

[Katkats7777]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Where did you see this going?  You are soon to be 40 he isn't even drinking age yet.  Here you have to be 21 to drink.  One day after his career and much dating he will want to settle down and have children.  You will be way too old for anything like that.  If you really cared about him you would have realized these things and wished him well.  Instead you want to go to his college dances and hold him captive for the summer.  I think you are being selfish and only thinking about what you want which seems to be to relive your youth through this young boy. It's past time to grow up.

well....i suppose i was hoping it could last for like 2 more years while he's in school. college guys don't want some serious girlfriend. I don't know , i was hoping we could have had some together time until he was like 24 or something. and he's a serious drinker seeing that he's in a frat. he asked me to buy some beer awhile back when he spent the night. 

Edited June 28, 2021 by Katkats7777

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

well....i suppose i was hoping it could last for like 2 more years while he's in school. college guys don't want some serious girlfriend. I don't know , i was hoping we could have had some together time until he was like 24 or something. and he's a serious drinker seeing that he's in a frat. he asked me to buy some beer awhile back when he spent the night. 

What does him being a serious drinker have to do with you wanting to hang on until he's 24?  He's in college and frat guys drink a lot.  Maybe he's getting drunk in order to have sex with you, who knows.  You have let yourself fall in love with a 20 year old and are a bit delusional.  Did you really expect him to hang around you for 4 more years?  He doesn't want to be 24 dating a 44 year old.  Have you met his parents?