Wife's infidelity

[Tinyjaguar]

I've got a problem that i need advice with. I hope that someone can give some sound advice,

About 18 months ago, my wife was sexually assaulted on a night out. Although a non-violent assault (she suspects that she was drugged), it was very distressing and required a lot of support and testing. It brought us together as a couple and we ended up much closer with a very good love life.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago, she had a row with one of her friends and inadvertently suggested that she had cheated on me. Later that night, she confessed that she'd had a one night stand on a night out and that she'd done it because she was still feeling down about the sexual assault, though I suspect that excessive drink was a factor.

I was devastated and wanted to die there and then. I quickly realised that I still loved my wife and knew that there was no malicious intent. I chose to unconditionally forgive my wife, which I am still 100% committed to.

My problem is that, although things are going well and our love life is better than ever (don't ask me how, we just seem to want to make love more), I still get feelings of pain and betrayal if we ever fall out and I am struggling to control these feelings. I am scared that I may say or do something that will undo the good progress we hae made.

[BaileyB]

IDK, a one night stand after a sexual assault - that seems unusual to me. While I appreciate that people respond to trauma in different and sometimes unexpected ways, I would not expect a woman who has been sexually assaulted to be seeking sex with a stranger - particularly because she has a loving and committed partner. 

Did she go to the police after the sexual assault? 

I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but this has red flags all over it. I really hate to suggest this, but are you sure the first incident was not another one night stand that ended badly? And, if it was, the fact that she is acting promiscuously makes me wonder if she has dealt with the trauma of the assault. Not to mention the influence of alcohol here. Be cautious here. While I appreciate your compassion and your devotion, you also shouldn’t trust blindly. Counselling, for both fo you, seems to be the best answer to provide. Trust those who have experience in dealing with this kind of trauma. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[understand50]

Really smells fishy.   What is your wife doing out, where she can have a ONS? I mean, after the RAPE, I would think she would be much more careful.  You need to find out just what is going on, as I think you are being played.

 

I wish you luck.

[Tinyjaguar]

OK, to clarify, the assault was genuine as she needed an AIDS test and had some vagina injuries. Also, the ons occurred when we had a minor down turn in our love life a few months later and she believed that I didn't want her.

 

She also reported the assault but the police rarely have much to go on in these cases.

 

I also should mention that we do have a very strong marriage with a good sex life.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[elaine567]

It

39 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

well and our love life is better than ever (don't ask me how, we just seem to want to make love more,

It's called "hysterical bonding."
https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding 

[understand50]

5 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

OK, to clarify, the assault was genuine as she needed an AIDS test and had some vagina injuries. Also, the ons occurred when we had a minor down turn in our love life a few months later and she believed that I didn't want her.

OK, No,  this is not a excuse.  If you want to stay together, you need to get in to counseling, and she needs to find out,

1) Why she puts herself in danger to be taken advantage of.  Why is she in a place to cheat, or to find other men?  What were the circumstances of the first RAPE. Was she out with her girl friends?  As you state you think she was drugged, how did she get drugged?  She must have been drinking.

2) Why she felt she needed to sleep with a stranger, instead of talking and working things out with you.  Again, why was she drinking again?  Alone?

3) Are there any other ONS you do not know about?  You need to find out just what you are willing  to forgive.

Look, as a Guy that was cheated on, and forgave my wife, the largest thing to to know just what went on.  Also, WHY this happened.  Until you know all this, you cannot help her, and she needs HELP.  Part of being a good husband is knowing how to help and address ongoing problem, but sweeping thing under the rug, will just lead to more issues.

 

[Tinyjaguar]

OK, to answer your questions

1) She was on a girls night out away and a guy from the club followed her back to the hotel (she wasn't feeling well) and was let in by the staff on the assumption that they were both black and were "together". He then talked his way in to her room and forced himself on her. She felt that she couldn't respond, so she thinks that she was drugged or froze (a common response in rape). She also felt "out of it" at breakfast the next morning, indicating the possibility of date rape drugs.

2) On the night of the ons, it was an impulsive act, and I believe her when she says that she wasn't looking to cheat. It was on another girls night away for a friend's birthday. I haven't asked for details and, although intrigued, I don't really want to know.

3) We have discussed the incident and she assures me that it was the only time.

We have always had a good love life and I genuinely believe that we have made progress with our recovery.

If there is an issue, it is that I took a year for me to find out about the ons and she has already worked through the issues, where as, I am lagging behind because I have only known a short time.

[Tinyjaguar]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It

It's called "hysterical bonding."
https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding 

I suspect that this was initially true, but we have improved our marriage in all areas.

I think that the initial shock probably woke my out of an emotional slump. Not that I would be happy with a repeat performance. She understands that I have only forgiven her because of the specific situation.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a mental health professional but I remember reading or hearing about some victims response to an assault  They feel dirty & worthless so they act like that.  I suspect some screwy "thinking" like that played a role in your wife's consensual ONS. On some level she was punishing herself for allowing the assault to happen.  I know it makes no sense but she's not thinking rationally right now, or when she did that. 

Try to find a way to love her through this & get her some meaningful counseling.  The prosecutor's office can point you in the right direction. 

[Sun Seeker]

3 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

OK, to answer your questions

1) She was on a girls night out away and a guy from the club followed her back to the hotel (she wasn't feeling well) and was let in by the staff on the assumption that they were both black and were "together". He then talked his way in to her room and forced himself on her. She felt that she couldn't respond, so she thinks that she was drugged or froze (a common response in rape). She also felt "out of it" at breakfast the next morning, indicating the possibility of date rape drugs.

2) On the night of the ons, it was an impulsive act, and I believe her when she says that she wasn't looking to cheat. It was on another girls night away for a friend's birthday. I haven't asked for details and, although intrigued, I don't really want to know.

3) We have discussed the incident and she assures me that it was the only time.

We have always had a good love life and I genuinely believe that we have made progress with our recovery.

If there is an issue, it is that I took a year for me to find out about the ons and she has already worked through the issues, where as, I am lagging behind because I have only known a short time.

1. Talked his way into her room? Right... So the hotel staff see the guy, and he is on the cameras, I'm sure some of his DNA on her/in the room, but the police don't have much to go on?

2. Doesn't mean to cheat but goes through with an 'impulsive act' and cheats?

3. You only found out about the ONS after one YEAR by accident.. and you believe her when she says it's the only one?

I know you love her etc but regardless of the assault, she is taking you for a fool, and you are letting her treat you this way.

Forget counselling, this should be divorce.

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not a mental health professional but I remember reading or hearing about some victims response to an assault  They feel dirty & worthless so they act like that.  I suspect some screwy "thinking" like that played a role in your wife's consensual ONS. On some level she was punishing herself for allowing the assault to happen.  I know it makes no sense but she's not thinking rationally right now, or when she did that. 

Try to find a way to love her through this & get her some meaningful counseling.  The prosecutor's office can point you in the right direction. 

Thanks for the support.

[HJB]

You sound like a truly loving and supportive spouse and your partner is lucky to have you. 

We never truly know why people do the things they do but you both love each other and have made the decision to remain together. I think your partner perhaps needs some therapy on her own to work through what happened to her and how its affecting her behaviour now. I think perhaps it would make sense for you to talk through your feelings with a professional as well and once you both feel it's right go and get some couples therapy together to build on the work you've done on yourselves. 

[Tinyjaguar]

To those of you questioning my reasons for forgiving my wife, that is not the point of this thread. I made my decision for my own reasons and have no intention of changing my mind. I witnessed my wife's trauma first hand and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

I was looking for a little moral support to get me through my dark moments. And thank you to the 2 posters that actually did that.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Tinyjaguar]

17 minutes ago, Alfano said:

The sexual assault story was a fabrication.

She's totally BSing you and having sex with multiple guys. This particular time the guy got rough with her but she voluntarily put herself in that position.

How do I know this?

Well of course I can't know for sure but the story you got just don't make sense.

Don't be ignorant and naive, don't be so quick to unconditionally forgive because you're setting yourself up for abysmal failure.

 

You evidently didn't read any of the above.

I won't go in to details but I saw enough and she went though plenty of treatment for me not to doubt her story. Needless to say it involved retroviral drugs and std testing 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Tinyjaguar]

Like I said above, this topic was about support, not open season on slating my wife.

[HJB]

I'm sorry you've had the response you have on here. I'm new to the site and don't know if you can DM people but if so please feel free to reach out if you'd like to chat and have someone lend a supportive ear. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I also should mention that we do have a very strong marriage with a good sex life.

Is she in counselling? Ask her if you  two could go to marriage counselling together, not to fix your marriage but to unpack some of this trauma. 

[DKT3]

49 minutes ago, HJB said:

I'm sorry you've had the response you have on here. I'm new to the site and don't know if you can DM people but if so please feel free to reach out if you'd like to chat and have someone lend a supportive ear. 

Many of the posters here are years into infidelities and have seen and heard just about everything. 

Unfortunately,  its not all that uncommon for a WW to claim assault when in fact they were willing participants. 

In this situation it simply isn't logical...he followed her to the hotel, talked his way past the staff and into her room where he then drugged her and the police have nothing to go on? Not logical at all. There would be video,  eye witnesses,  fingerprints and other dna evidence. 

Hard sell.

[DKT3]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she in counselling? Ask her if you  two could go to marriage counselling together, not to fix your marriage but to unpack some of this trauma. 

I think maybe her drinking is problematic and should be addressed before MC. 

[HJB]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Many of the posters here are years into infidelities and have seen and heard just about everything. 

Unfortunately,  its not all that uncommon for a WW to claim assault when in fact they were willing participants. 

In this situation it simply isn't logical...he followed her to the hotel, talked his way past the staff and into her room where he then drugged her and the police have nothing to go on? Not logical at all. There would be video,  eye witnesses,  fingerprints and other dna evidence. 

Hard sell.

My point was just that we don't know the full story from a couple of lines text on here which would have been keep short for the purpose of the post, and more so the poster wasn't asking if we believed his wife and if he should leave her. He was giving some background briefly and asking for some support with how to deal with his feelings. His decision was made, he wasn't asking advice on anything to do with that.

[DKT3]

These things can't be successfully navigated with blinders on. If a wayward spouses story doesn't make sense its most likely because they are lying.  

In order to help him its imperative that he understands exactly what he is working with. 

With infidelities your decision is never final. Its very common,  particularly with men, to leave an unfaithful wife 5, 10 years later,  hell not long ago we had one leave 20 years later. This is caused because they didn't get answers or truth in the beginning.  Giving blankets forgiveness without knowing exactly what they are forgiving.

Right now OP believes his wife was assaulted then went on to have another one night stand. Which she didn't tell him about. If we are being honest its more likely she had two ons or sex twice with the same man.

His gut is screaming that her story doesn't sound right.  That is what he is really struggling with. 

[Tinyjaguar]

I can assure everyone that the assault was genuine. It come across ambiguous because I don't wish to share all the gorey details.

As I've plead before, I'm not here for my wife to be trolled.

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, HJB said:

I'm sorry you've had the response you have on here. I'm new to the site and don't know if you can DM people but if so please feel free to reach out if you'd like to chat and have someone lend a supportive ear. 

Thanks for your kind post. I would certainly like someone to talk to.

I have kept some of the details sketchy, for obvious reasons.

It is unfortunate that some of the posters have seen the cynical side of this situation. I am certainly not naive and the choice not to pursue prosecution was a personal one based on the anonymity of the assailant and the significant difficulty in tracing him. DNA is no use unless his DNA is already on police files.

After the assault, my wife had to experience some very difficult processes and testing, which no-one would ever do by choice. She wasn't going to tell me but did so because the nurse advised her to.

[lana-banana]

Everyone suggesting the assault has to be a lie has clearly never actually dealt with victims of sexual trauma. I have seen much more extreme reactions to sexual assault; I believe her wholeheartedly.

The issue here is that she's not coping well in the aftermath of what happened and she's turning to reckless, even potentially dangerous behavior. The only real solution here is lots of counseling---individually and as a couple, if she's comfortable---and a focus on finding healthy coping mechanisms to replace her unhealthy ones. She made need to give up drinking altogether for a while, as well as identify constructive behaviors to deal with her feelings.

[Uruktopi]

My friend, 

Precisely because there are reasons to believe about the the sexual assault (or as you find them enough) I think that the following ONS should not be taken lightly.

Not at all or not only because was consensual.

But, as others suggested, the effect of such trauma MAY have some more persistent (but not always evident) effects on the (sexual) mind. 

Specially if it evoked some kind of abuse in her childhood, just a conjecture.

There are some strange mechanisms and responses to this kind of trauma. The Stockholm Syndrome is just one in that specrum. And MAY resurface in future situacions given the conditions.

So, just in case (I don´t really know, we don´t know, you may not be aware and probably neither your wife), get for her IC with someone with experience in such cases.

Best wishes.