Wife's infidelity

[Starswillshine]

Just because she has dealt with something traumatic, it gives her no right to cheat on you. While I can definitely understand that this may be a response to this trauma, no one would excuse a man beating a woman because he spent time in war. Nor would be ever be supportive of her staying with him. 

Your wife needs to seek counseling. You have to hold her accountable for the things she had done to you (not the rape obviously). 

[Tinyjaguar]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Just because she has dealt with something traumatic, it gives her no right to cheat on you. While I can definitely understand that this may be a response to this trauma, no one would excuse a man beating a woman because he spent time in war. Nor would be ever be supportive of her staying with him. 

Your wife needs to seek counseling. You have to hold her accountable for the things she had done to you (not the rape obviously). 

My response is my own choice for my own reasons. 

I don't feel the need to hold her accountable and I don't excuse her indiscretion because of the assault. She knows she did wrong and is remorseful for it. To "punish" her for it wouldn't serve any good purpose. Sometimes you have to learn to move on without needing to "right the wrong". I don't need to strike back to forgive. I just need to be able to let go of anger and animosity. 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

My response is my own choice for my own reasons. 

I don't feel the need to hold her accountable and I don't excuse her indiscretion because of the assault. She knows she did wrong and is remorseful for it. To "punish" her for it wouldn't serve any good purpose. Sometimes you have to learn to move on without needing to "right the wrong". I don't need to strike back to forgive. I just need to be able to let go of anger and animosity. 

So you hold all the responsibilities for the pain SHE caused? 

I'm not saying you ditch her, but she needs to deal with it. She needs to understand the hurt she is also causing you. She needs therapy. I would not continue another day in the marriage without her looking for a therapist. If we can assume this was only a trauma response, she needs to do everything she can to fix it. You should not have to be hurt because of it.

But do as you wish. It is just not a life I could ever live. I know... cuz I tried for awhile and it nearly killed me..

[Okgal96]

Look, for those telling you she’s BSing you, they don’t know that there are multiple ways people deal with assault. Hypersexuality and sexual impulsivity is a trauma response, no one here can tell you how your wife is supposed to handle the assault and it feels like she needs counseling to address that.

[ ]

Edited June 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

So you hold all the responsibilities for the pain SHE caused? 

I'm not saying you ditch her, but she needs to deal with it. She needs to understand the hurt she is also causing you. She needs therapy. I would not continue another day in the marriage without her looking for a therapist. If we can assume this was only a trauma response, she needs to do everything she can to fix it. You should not have to be hurt because of it.

But do as you wish. It is just not a life I could ever live. I know... cuz I tried for awhile and it nearly killed me..

If I had told you that she has been repeatedly cheating, I would have agreed, but my wife committed a single indiscretion after a major trauma and it has not been repeated. Without knowing the intimate details of either the assault or the ons, I fail to see how anyone can question my decision to stand by my wife.

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

If I had told you that she has been repeatedly cheating, I would have agreed, but my wife committed a single indiscretion after a major trauma and it has not been repeated. Without knowing the intimate details of either the assault or the ons, I fail to see how anyone can question my decision to stand by my wife.

I'm not at all questioning your decision to stand by my wife.... I'm telling you that she needs to seek help to cope with this trauma so that she doesn't cause herself and you more harm. Cheating is harmful to both of you and obviously hurts like hell. What is she doing to make sure this doesn't happen again? Is she stopping the night out with the girls with drinking involved? Is she going to counseling? Is she taking the steps to ensure these things do not happen again? Is she taking responsibility for the pain this is causing you. Right now, from what you have posted, it sounds a lot like you are just taking the brunt of it. I'm saying for your own sake, that you cannot just excuse it as she was raped so I have to just suck it up and deal with it. She needs to take action and seek help. You are afraid to talk to your wife about the pain this has caused you, why? She needs to understand it, too. Just as you needed to understand the pain that was caused by the sexual assault. The only difference is the cheating was something she did to you; you did not cause her sexual assault. 

[Tinyjaguar]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm not at all questioning your decision to stand by my wife.... I'm telling you that she needs to seek help to cope with this trauma so that she doesn't cause herself and you more harm. Cheating is harmful to both of you and obviously hurts like hell. What is she doing to make sure this doesn't happen again? Is she stopping the night out with the girls with drinking involved? Is she going to counseling? Is she taking the steps to ensure these things do not happen again? Is she taking responsibility for the pain this is causing you. Right now, from what you have posted, it sounds a lot like you are just taking the brunt of it. I'm saying for your own sake, that you cannot just excuse it as she was raped so I have to just suck it up and deal with it. She needs to take action and seek help. You are afraid to talk to your wife about the pain this has caused you, why? She needs to understand it, too. Just as you needed to understand the pain that was caused by the sexual assault. The only difference is the cheating was something she did to you; you did not cause her sexual assault. 

I'm not afraid to talk to my wife about the ons, I just don't feel the need. Yes, she did hurt me, but I'm not an emotional wreck. Most of the time everything is fine and we really love each other but I am not immune to wobbling on occasion.

As for the girls nights out, they are a rarity and aren't a problem and I trust my wife.

[BaileyB]

 

9 hours ago, Okgal96 said:

11 years ago my husband came to this site seeking support and with the story he told and the information and advice he got, he proceeded to verbally, emotionally and sexually abuse me for several years.

Given the abuse you describe in your other post, that did not occur because your husband came to this site and got “information/advice.” I understand that you have recently gotten back with him, and it’s easier to blame this site for his behavior. And I too am sorry for what you’ve suffered, but your husband is an abuser and you still need to accept that/deal with it. 

I agree with starswillshine, your partner has some work to do to heal herself such that she can protect you/your relationship. She is choosing some very unhealthy coping skills and she needs support to help her to develop other ways of dealing with the trauma. I hope you can encourage her to continue to seek help, at some point you won’t be able to deal with the hurtful things she does to you anymore - 

Edited June 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Tinyjaguar]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Given the abuse you describe in your other post, that did not occur because your husband came to this site and got “information/advice.” I too am sorry for what you’ve suffered, but your husband is an abuser and you still need to accept that/deal with it. 

I agree with starswillshine, your partner has some work to do to heal herself such that she can protect you/your relationship. She is choosing some very unhealthy coping skills and she needs support to help her to develop other ways of dealing with the trauma. I hope you can encourage her to continue to seek help, at some point you won’t be able to deal with the hurtful things she does to you anymore - 

Believe me, she hasn't been indulging unhealthy coping skills. Neither of us often drink and the ons was a one off.

As I have said before, I know enough to accept my wife's confession as genuine and I am not willing to go in to details.

Edited June 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beauty93]

That was a teenager, your wife is an adult in a marriage who knows right from wrong. I'm not bashing your wife and like I said people do react differently but it's just odd to me that she would go have sex with a complete stranger after what traumatic experience she had. 

[stillafool]

I guess people react to rape in different ways.  When it happened to me I was scared to death of men for a long time.  If I was walking on the street and a man was approaching I would literally cross the street in high traffic to avoid them and then recross the street when one was walking towards me from that side.  It was a very dark time in my life.  My friends and family really held my hand and protected me through it.  

[Harry Korsnes]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Op,

I say this with all due respect. The strength of your marriage isn't the issue. This is about a very traumatic event that happened to her. This is beyond your pay grade. Counselling for the two of you will help you both.

No one is saying you should dictate who her friends are, but when out with this group, she was sexually assaulted one evening and on another she got blotto drunk and had a one night stand. These impacted you as well, so you have every right to suggest she cut some ties.

And trust and respect! 

[Tinyjaguar]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I guess people react to rape in different ways.  When it happened to me I was scared to death of men for a long time.  If I was walking on the street and a man was approaching I would literally cross the street in high traffic to avoid them and then recross the street when one was walking towards me from that side.  It was a very dark time in my life.  My friends and family really held my hand and protected me through it.  

I'm sorry for your trauma. I could not possibly imagine how hard it was.

My wife's assault wasn't a violent one, she was taken advantage of, and that manifested itself a response more akin to shame and embarrassment.

[understand50]

On 6/23/2021 at 6:25 AM, Tinyjaguar said:

My problem is that, although things are going well and our love life is better than ever (don't ask me how, we just seem to want to make love more), I still get feelings of pain and betrayal if we ever fall out and I am struggling to control these feelings. I am scared that I may say or do something that will undo the good progress we have made.

Tinyjaguar,

Sometime we forget the original question or request from the OP.  So, here is my advise, take it for what its worth, on  your question.

1) Be patience.  You are going to struggle with these feeling forever.  Part of your mind will always wonder if she is telling the truth.  It is just the human condition.  Now, my wife, is not a friend of the whole truth. This is to say, that she will always try and shade things, leave things out, and generaly muddy the waters, when we start to have a conversation that effect some action of her that she knows what not good, ethical, or just shows her in a plain bad light.  What I do, is put a percentage on what she has told me.  She will tell me a version of what happened, and I will give it a % of what I think it may be.  So, is her story at 80%, or is it at 50%?  This allows me to keep an open mind, and gives her space to come clean, and I know that coming clean will take some time.  Also, as other things go on, put aside any work on this, if it interferes with other things in your wife recovery.  IE: she has issues with drinking.  May be you both work on that, and come back to what may or may not have happened.

2) Be open to her revising and adding to or taking away from her story.  If you want to help her, you need to make a secure, healthy, and SAFE space where she can talk.  Right now, I am sure she is afraid of completely opening up to you, as you may leave her.  So she keeps it inside. This is not good.  The more she can talk to you about this, the better.  Your job is not to judge, and not to use it against her.  This will be harder then you may ever know.  Remember this is hard for her, and she may need some time to process.  What you do not want is this to be buried, and cause problems.  Things get better, when they can be talked about and discussed.  At some point most of the hurt goes away. Understanding replaces, and this helps both of you.

3) Fight fair.  NEVER, and I Mean NEVER, use anything against her in a argument.  Never bring up her past as a advantage to something you are upset with in the here and now.   This is a silly example, but "I am mad at you for not doing the laundry, and you had a ONS"  Keep your disagreements  on what she did at that time, and do not bring in the past.

4) Set aside time to talk about this.  (See item 2).  Our rules, is we talk about these things in a set time and that anything that comes out stays in our talks.  This allows us both space to explore tough subject, and both know we will not be blindsided later, like on a date night,  or other times we are trying to have fun. This is important, and it gives that safe place where she can you can talk and work things. out.

5) DATE night.  Once a week, go on a date.  Go for coffee, take a walk, go to a movie, out to dinner.  Spend time together.  Does not have to cost money.  Give of yourselves to each other.  Do not expect Sex to always come out of it.  (Mostly does with us, but it is not expected)   The bottom line, is I like to spend my time with my wife, and she with me.  During date night, (SEE ITEM 4) no heavy subjects are to be discussed.  We are out to have fun. 

So this is what worked and is working for us.   Hope this helps, what you and your wife comes up with may be different.  We were both Poor, when we started so and  to come up with this by ourselves, but in reading this is the same steps any therapist would suggest.

I wish you luck...

 

 

Edited June 24, 2021 by understand50

[Tinyjaguar]

Understanding50

Thank you for your feedback. It is the most helpful by far.

1) I do trust my wife but I haven't asked for any major details because that could complicate things. If she decides to offer more information, I will listen with an open mind.

2) I expect some information to change. After all, it was a very difficult thing to admit to.

3) I have made a promise to myself (not my wife) that I will never use her ons against her. It happened, we are dealing with it and it is not fair to use it to attack her.

4) We probably need to talk about it again in the future but I haven't felt the need yet. When we do talk, it will need to come from a position of sensitivity.

5) We don't get much date night opportunities because we have a large family but we do try to make time for each other.

 

[Daisydooks]

15 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Thanks for your kind post. I would certainly like someone to talk to.

I have kept some of the details sketchy, for obvious reasons.

It is unfortunate that some of the posters have seen the cynical side of this situation. I am certainly not naive and the choice not to pursue prosecution was a personal one based on the anonymity of the assailant and the significant difficulty in tracing him. DNA is no use unless his DNA is already on police files.

After the assault, my wife had to experience some very difficult processes and testing, which no-one would ever do by choice. She wasn't going to tell me but did so because the nurse advised her to.

It sounds like therapy could help you sort through this. This seems to be a you issue, so make yourself an appt and talk it through with someone. No harm in that. Then youre not only sharing in a safe place, but also doing no damage amidst a fight with your partner, who youve chosen to forgive and remain with. It is a choice you made and the healthiest option so as not to allow this to continue to fester is to address it in therapy. 

Many therapists are doing online sessions because of covid and some even have lesser fees because of it, so its worth a shot. I dont know that Id do marriage counseling with your wife. This, again, is a you issue. Not to say she can't utilize therapy also and have her own individual therapy? Both great ideas. I hope this helps

[Daisydooks]

21 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

It sounds like therapy could help you sort through this. This seems to be a you issue, so make yourself an appt and talk it through with someone. No harm in that. Then youre not only sharing in a safe place, but also doing no damage amidst a fight with your partner, who youve chosen to forgive and remain with. It is a choice you made and the healthiest option so as not to allow this to continue to fester is to address it in therapy. 

Many therapists are doing online sessions because of covid and some even have lesser fees because of it, so its worth a shot. I dont know that Id do marriage counseling with your wife. This, again, is a you issue. Not to say she can't utilize therapy also and have her own individual therapy? Both great ideas. I hope this helps. I say this is a you issue not because the marriage is perfect, but dont head into MC with 2 broken people.  Both get IC first and if MC is needed, head to MC after youve both got your heads around all this. Allow the marriage to be the patient in marriage counseling 

 

[Harry Korsnes]

This sounds much like,

Fool me once... love you.  Fool me twice..... ok scrach head. Fool me thrice 😥😥😥 ???

The thing i ment trust and respect was.

You trust her by beleaving she's being honest. But she does'nt respect you, or other wise why would it have happend? 

Sorry if i sound Harstad.

[Tinyjaguar]

22 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

This sounds much like,

Fool me once... love you.  Fool me twice..... ok scrach head. Fool me thrice 😥😥😥 ???

The thing i ment trust and respect was.

You trust her by beleaving she's being honest. But she does'nt respect you, or other wise why would it have happend? 

Sorry if i sound Harstad.

I have my reasons for believing her and I don't need anyone's approval on this forum to vindicate my belief.

Edited June 24, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Harry Korsnes]

14 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I have my reasons for believing her and I don't need anyone's approval on this forum to vindicate my belief.

Sorry if you think of it as an approval. Did'nt think of it like that more of a beware.

Its been seen on here before. 

[Tinyjaguar]

10 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry if you think of it as an approval. Did'nt think of it like that more of a beware.

Its been seen on here before. 

OK, point taken.

All I'm saying is that it's not a crime to think positive and look at making your marriage better.

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I agree with those above suggesting therapy for your wife. This would be to protect both her and you from any additional negative behaviors stemming from her reactions to the rape. Marriage counseling or possibly some therapy for you might be a good idea as well, if you feel it would be helpful.

Edited June 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[Tinyjaguar]

Well, rereading this thread, I feel like I've got a lot off of my chest and feel quiet a bit better.

I also realise that there are some people who will never take a positive spin on my situation because of the terrible events they have experienced. Although, I don't agree, I have to respect their opinions.

Thanks to all posters, especially the helpful ones. 

[Tinyjaguar]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

FWIW, I agree with those above suggesting therapy for your wife. This would be to protect both her and you from any additional negative behaviors stemming from her reactions to the rape. Marriage counseling or possibly some therapy for you might be a good idea as well, if you feel it would be helpful.

She did have rape crisis treatment through the NHS, amongst other treatments. I won't highlight them but you can imagine what needs to be done after a man has forced unprotected sex on you.

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Tinyjaguar said:

She did have rape crisis treatment through the NHS, amongst other treatments. I won't highlight them but you can imagine what needs to be done after a man has forced unprotected sex on you.

We all have different experiences on this site, and we all have dealt with them in differing ways. Some have been the ones who have cheated and some were the ones who have been cheated on and some have not dealt with infidelity at all. We all cope differently. There is a mix bag of both women and men on this board. But given the stats, most of us women have dealt with sexual assault. Most of us know, in fact, these things; we don't have to imagine. So don't discount everyone's opinions here. Just take them all into consideration and come to your own decision/conclusion on how best to proceed with your current issues.