Wife's infidelity

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Well, she passed the "smell test" for me and that is enough for me to stand by her.

Meaning what?

It's still not clear what - if anything - she is doing to help you trust her again. I don't think it's particularly realistic for a betrayed spouse to heal themselves after an infidelity. Part of that hard work has got to come from the cheater as well. 

You can't and shouldn't be expected to shoulder all that on your own. It's clearly not really working. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Tinyjaguar]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning what?

It's still not clear what - if anything - she is doing to help you trust her again.

What I mean is, that she has expressed remorse and I believe her. I don't need any further proof. That is just how it has panned out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Tinyjaguar said:

What I mean is, that she has expressed remorse and I believe her. I don't need any further proof. That is just how it has panned out.

I'm not talking about proof, though.

I am asking what she's doing to help you feel you can trust her moving forward. 

[Tinyjaguar]

Anyway, I am happy with what I have said and don't feel the need to justify my actions.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Anyway, I am happy with what I have said and don't feel the need to justify my actions.

That's good, because that was not my question. 

Allow me to rephrase it another way: when you are feeling hurt by her cheating, do you discuss these feelings with her? 

[Tinyjaguar]

Not really, because they are not usually relevant to the argument that triggered them. If I did that, it might sound emotive and lead to a bigger argument. The discussion of the ons has been done and we have a good understanding of each other. I don't need her to do anything other than be the woman I love.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

The discussion of the ons has been done and we have a good understanding of each other. I don't need her to do anything other than be the woman I love.

Well then respectfully, why are you posting on an internet message board about the fact that you struggle to deal with your feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal? If you’ve had the discussion, you’ve decided to forgive her, and you’ve dealt with it - why does this keep coming up for you? 

You’ve taken these feelings on as your cross to bear - which is ridiculous, considering that infidelity in a relationship is not an individual problem that you alone can solve. You don’t want to share your feelings lest they either hurt your partner or cause an argument… So, you stuff them down, compartmentalize, and soldier on… We all wonder how long you can continue to do this - before it starts to breed resentment and affect your relationship. These kind of feelings do not like to be ignored… 

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Tinyjaguar]

99% of the time, I can deal with it. 

I posted here because I thought there were others like me that chose to forgive and forget, looking to share a bit of moral support.

Unfortunately, moral support seems to be a little hard to find on the internet. My bad!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Unfortunately, moral support seems to be a little hard to find on the internet. My bad!

It's unclear why you won't pay for marriage therapy? 

[Tinyjaguar]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you won't pay for marriage therapy? 

I don't know, neither of us feel the need.

[Sun Seeker]

So she was chatting with a guy in a club and you don't find that wrong. Then she lets him 'talk' her way into her room and you don't find that wrong. Then she has another ONS because of the 'trauma' and you don't find that wrong. She doesn't tell you about it but you find out by accident and you don't find that wrong.

It's pretty unbelievable someone can have such low self esteem that you let someone do all this, and still think they are great and they love you etc etc. You don't even see the real problem.

[DKT3]

6 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

So she was chatting with a guy in a club and you don't find that wrong. Then she lets him 'talk' her way into her room and you don't find that wrong. Then she has another ONS because of the 'trauma' and you don't find that wrong. She doesn't tell you about it but you find out by accident and you don't find that wrong.

It's pretty unbelievable someone can have such low self esteem that you let someone do all this, and still think they are great and they love you etc etc. You don't even see the real problem.

Unfortunately he doesn't know what he doesn't know. He will have some really rough days, months and years ahead, even if he is able to successfully rugsweep this entire event. His wife was inappropriate from the start, not to say her actions prior warranted any UNWANTED sexual contact, its also not the actions of a woman that OP describes and so adamantly defends. At some point he will have to compare and reconcile the two very different women.

[Harry Korsnes]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then respectfully, why are you posting on an internet message board about the fact that you struggle to deal with your feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal? If you’ve had the discussion, you’ve decided to forgive her, and you’ve dealt with it - why does this keep coming up for you? 

You’ve taken these feelings on as your cross to bear - which is ridiculous, considering that infidelity in a relationship is not an individual problem that you alone can solve. You don’t want to share your feelings lest they either hurt your partner or cause an argument… So, you stuff them down, compartmentalize, and soldier on… We all wonder how long you can continue to do this - before it starts to breed resentment and affect your relationship. These kind of feelings do not like to be ignored… 

Exactly

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I don't know, neither of us feel the need.

She endured a sexual assault, your marriage was further damaged by infidelity, but nothing is wrong? 

This isn't about whether you 'forgive and forget' or not, it's about putting your heads in the sand about how these traumatic/unfortunate events can disrupt a marriage.

 

Edited June 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I posted here because I thought there were others like me that chose to forgive and forget

Perhaps it would be wise to reflect on why you haven't found that. 

There's a reason for it, and it's not because you're uniquely noble. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[LynneVicious]

On 6/25/2021 at 4:53 PM, Tinyjaguar said:

What problem?

My situation is:

1) man and woman have a happy marriage.

2) Woman suffered a terrible trauma and couple pull together and support each other through recovery and treatment.

3) woman has a single indiscretion due to a confidence wobble but things get better.

4) man finds out about indiscretion but, due to his faith in his wife and an intimate understanding of the events and a good relationship dynamic, forgives his wife.

5) man and woman continue the recovery process, though man need someone to talk to in order to clear his head when he is feeling down.

I don't need advice on whether I should stay or leave or whether I should punish my wife or not. That decision is made and I am 100% committed to it.

The problem is, you guys aren’t “recovering”. The feeling you get when you’re down and want someone to commiserate with is because you know it just doesn’t sit right. And what you’re looking for is not advice, rather validation and agreement that this whole forgive-and-forget stance is the right choice. 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps it would be wise to reflect on why you haven't found that. 

There's a reason for it, and it's not because you're uniquely noble. 

And what the posters are trying to tell you is no one has a problem with forgiving. But you won’t find someone here who will just tell you what you want to hear.

You want: “Tiny Jaguar, if you’re feeling down or betrayed. Dont be!! Its notyour wife’s fault. She said she’s sorry. You have to let it go. The past is the past”.

and you won’t have any posters here validate that line of thinking because it’s unhealthy and unrealistic. That won’t help you move on.  No one here is agreeing with you and it seems that you’re angry about that. But instead of getting upset at the advice, maybe you should think why that is. “Why is no one agreeing with me”. Because we know that this is a ticking time bomb and we are trying to get you to see that your marriage has serious issues that need to be addressed. And not swept under the rug. 
My .02. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Unfortunately, moral support seems to be a little hard to find on the internet. My bad!

What exactly were you hoping to find? Are you looking for people to tell you that you are a champion and validate that this is a good plan? Just because the advice offered does not support your intended plan to deal with the situation does not mean that there is no support on the internet. You have received some very good advice in this discussion.

3 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I posted here because I thought there were others like me that chose to forgive and forget

There may be, that doesn’t mean it is the healthy thing to do. And the thing is - you haven’t forgotten or you wouldn’t be posting. This site is filled with people on both sides of the issue who have felt the pain of infidelity, done the work, and reconciled their relationships. If they are telling you that what you are choosing to do - to minimize and avoid - is not going to work, there is good reason for that. That advice is coming from experience and you would be wise to at least consider it, before dismissing it. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[IslandSanctuary]

I think this guy is a troll. Seems beyond belief. 

[S2B]

Forgive and forget…?

no, it doesn’t work like that. You are unrealistic in your approach to this.

you may forgive… if you got all the info to forgive and you know thoroughly what you are forgiving.

BUT… one certainly NEVER forgets.

you have gone about this all wrong - no one forgets cheating.

you process what you know, you search for answers, you consider what is real and what isn’t real, and then you decide what is possible for a healthy future with the one who cheated… based on how their action show that they truly are remorseful or not. 
 

when someone cheats again it doesn’t show remorse. 
 

I think you are here because reconciliation isn’t working for you. That’s why your feelings are of anger and resentment. It’s likely because your wife hasn’t done ALL that she can to repair the damage she caused - with her words and actions designed to hand you peace of mind on a silver platter.

and you seem to expect your wife to not do what’s necessary to heal the hurt feelings she has caused.

your head in the sand doesn’t repair the damage she caused.

[Tinyjaguar]

5 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

I think this guy is a troll. Seems beyond belief. 

Far from it. I came on here asking for specific advice, i.e. "having a little trouble with my feelings, any words of comfort?" And I ended up being called a mug by a significant number of people and being trolled myself. Now, if I could, I'd close this thread because I've done on this subject but I'm now getting constant notifications everytime someone decides to comment on something that has already been commented on about 100 times. It is now starting to really piss me off.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Tinyjaguar]

Just read through a few threads and it seems to be common theme to insult op or assume that they are plain stupid, despite not even knowing them or their specific set of circumstances, which, of course  no-one in their right mind would post.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Just read through a few threads and it seems to be common theme to insult op or assume that they are plain stupid, despite not even knowing them or their specific set of circumstances, which, of course  no-one in their right mind would post.

Then why are you still posting?

You're free to exit stage left if this place doesn't suit you.  Won't be any skin off posters' noses. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[S2B]

You’re so focused on certain posts you aren’t keeping an open mind to suggestions that could potentially help you to grow and learn.

best wishes for your growth and health.

[S2B]

You started this thread titled about your wife’s infidelity and stated you had a problem.

what did you think people would respond to… they respond to the info you provided.

[Tinyjaguar]

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then why are you still posting?

You're free to exit stage left if this place doesn't suit you.  Won't be any skin off posters' noses. 

👍