Wife's infidelity

[HappilyMarried]

@Tinyjaguarbased on the information you have provided (thanks  for the additional you provided to my previous post by the way) I really don't think your wife has totally dealt with her sexual assault properly and could really benefit from some IC. I also think now with the additional info you provided you probably don't need MC for your marriage right now but I do think it could help you to have some IC for yourself with a different counselor than your wife's and I think it would really help both of you. 

[Harry Korsnes]

14 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I don't have a problem, but one or 2 members here seem to have an objection to me forgiving my wife. It's just bizarre. Is it a crime or something. 

Oops

[Tinyjaguar]

5 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

@Tinyjaguarbased on the information you have provided (thanks  for the additional you provided to my previous post by the way) I really don't think your wife has totally dealt with her sexual assault properly and could really benefit from some IC. I also think now with the additional info you provided you probably don't need MC for your marriage right now but I do think it could help you to have some IC for yourself with a different counselor than your wife's and I think it would really help both of you. 

Thanks

We are doing quiet well at the moment. All areas of our marriage are improved. We haven't pushed counselling but, if the need arises, it won't be off the table.

Apologies if I seemed I bit harsh in my comments above. There have been a couple of things said that were not really on (not by you).

[Tinyjaguar]

6 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Oops

I guess. Its  easy to be a twat from behind a keyboard!

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I don't need advice on whether I should stay or leave or whether I should punish my wife or not. That decision is made and I am 100% committed to it.

That’s all good. 

54 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

5) man and woman continue the recovery process

This is key. I am concerned about her choices - continuing to go out with the girls, continuing to abuse alcohol, having sex with a random stranger. These are red flags for any relationship. As a trauma response, which is how you are interpreting it, this means the work is not done. Her work in healing from this trauma is far from done and you both have more to heal in your relationship… That’s all we are saying. Keep going with the counselling. This is bigger than loveshack - follow the advice of your experienced and trusted counsellors. 

[Tinyjaguar]

Just now, BaileyB said:

That’s all good. 

This is key. I am concerned about her choices - continuing to go out with the girls, continuing to abuse alcohol, having sex with a random stranger. These are red flags for any relationship. As a trauma response, which is how you are interpreting it, this means the work is not done. Her work in healing from this trauma is far from done and you both have more to heal in your relationship… That’s all we are saying. Keep going with the counselling. This is bigger than loveshack - follow the advice of your experienced and trusted counsellors. 

Thanks. I see what you are saying.

Although, the above is a little out of context and we don't have an on going problem with each other.

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Although, the above is a little out of context and we don't have an on going problem with each other.

Quote

I've got a problem that i need advice with. My problem is that, although things are going well and our love life is better than ever (don't ask me how, we just seem to want to make love more), I still get feelings of pain and betrayal if we ever fall out and I am struggling to control these feelings. I am scared that I may say or do something that will undo the good progress we hae made.

I assumed that you did, given that was what you said in your first post. 

I think what you mean is, you have a problem. Your problem is, your girlfriend had sex with another man and you struggle with the pain and betrayal of that act/decision. That is what you are saying, is it not? 

What we are saying is, this problem in the context of the relationship and the trauma she has experienced, is not a YOUR problem, but an OUR problem. Because, unless you find a way to work through these feelings, it WILL undoubtedly affect your relationship. 

What you are doing now, which was said earlier in this discussion, is hysterically bonding with each other. That’s why the sex is great and you say the “relationship” has never been better. All good, but you have a secret… something you have buried, a burden that you carry because you don’t want to place this on your partner - in addition to all she has suffered. That’s noble of you, but it’s not a long term solution… because, this burden will get heavier with time because you have not dealt with your feelings. 

She may have suffered the assault. But, you have also suffered here as you have been witness to her pain. That is a different kind of trauma. Furthermore, you suffered the trauma of her betrayal. And while I respect your desire to forgive and move forward with understanding, compassion, and love for your partner - if you don’t talk to her about YOUR feelings, they will fester and grow until it begins to affect your relationship. NOBODY can experience the infidelity of their trusted partner and not feel, not hurt, not want to talk about it and heal it. NOBODY. 

My suggestion, she needs to continue her counselling - this, for her, is a marathon, not a sprint. While she may be “over” the initial trauma of the assault, this will continue to come back for her in different ways at unexpected times. Her work is ongoing. YOU need counselling to deal with the trauma of watching someone you love be hurt and suffer - physically and emotionally. That’s hard enough, add to that the betrayal of infidelity and… you have some work to do. And then, you need to come together for counselling so that you are both able to talk with each other, to hear from each other your own different experiences, such that you can truly heal and move forward together. Not in a superficial way - “I forgive her, I understand why she did this and I’m just going to bear this burden for our family…” As she has experienced by the gift of your forgiveness, the burden becomes manageable when it is shared. You need to share how you are feeling, when the time is right in a safe and supportive way for you both. And in doing that, you will be able to heal and truly move forward together… 

Just my 2cents, because you asked.

 

Edited June 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[Tinyjaguar]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I assumed that you did, given that was what you said in your first post. 

I think what you mean is, you have a problem. Your problem is, your girlfriend had sex with another man and you struggle with the pain and betrayal of that act/decision. That is what you are saying, is it not? 

What we are saying is, this problem in the context of the relationship and the trauma she has experienced, is not a YOUR problem, but an OUR problem. Because, unless you find a way to work through these feelings, it WILL undoubtedly affect your relationship. 

What you are doing now, which was said earlier in this discussion, is hysterically bonding with each other. That’s why the sex is great and you say the “relationship” has never been better. All good, but you have a secret… something you have buried, a burden that you carry because you don’t want to place this on your partner - in addition to all she has suffered. That’s noble of you, but it’s not a long term solution… because, this burden will get heavier with time because you have not dealt with your feelings. 

She may have suffered the assault. But, you have also suffered here as you have been witness to her pain. That is a different kind of trauma. Furthermore, you suffered the trauma of her betrayal. And while I respect your desire to forgive and move forward with understanding, compassion, and love for your partner - if you don’t talk to her about YOUR feelings, they will fester and grow until it begins to affect your relationship. NOBODY can experience the infidelity of their trusted partner and not feel, not hurt, not want to talk about it and heal it. NOBODY. 

My suggestion, she needs to continue her counselling - this, for her, is a marathon, not a sprint. While she may be “over” the initial trauma of the assault, this will continue to come back for her in different ways at unexpected times. Her work is ongoing. YOU need counselling to deal with the trauma of watching someone you love be hurt and suffer - physically and emotionally. That’s hard enough, add to that the betrayal of infidelity and… you have some work to do. And then, you need to come together for counselling so that you are both able to talk with each other, to hear from each other your own different experiences, such that you can truly heal and move forward together. Not in a superficial way - “I forgive her, I understand why she did this and I’m just going to bear this burden for our family…” As she has experienced by the gift of your forgiveness, the burden becomes manageable when it is shared. You need to share how you are feeling, when the time is right in a safe and supportive way for you both. And in doing that, you will be able to heal and truly move forward together… 

Just my 2cents, because you asked.

 

I agree that I have taken a burden on and it is a little weighty, but I do think I can get through it, wobbles aside. I have a lot of confidence in my wife and I genuinely know it is not misplaced.

[IslandSanctuary]

I don't care what the reasons are, she cheated on you and lied to you for a year about it. Sometimes things just die. Cheated on me - I'm out of there. You came here looking for advice and that is the only advice I can give. There is a better life out there for you, maybe try find a woman that doesn't go out drinking without you on the regular. 
You seem overly agreeable and willing to forgive too much. I'd say SIMP but it'd get my comment removed. 
Years later when you look back at your marriage and realize you've been miserable for a long time - you wont have anyone to blame but yourself. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[Tinyjaguar]

Ok, thanks for the vast range of opinions and advice.

To those of you that offered support, it was great fully received.

To those of you who wanted to over-analyse a decision that was already made, sorry I couldn't offer a better explanation but that was not what I was looking for and we'll have to agree to disagree. No hard feelings.

And to the trolls that just wanted to say, "your wife's a slag. Punish her", I'm sorry that you have had such a bad experience to make that your only perspective. I wish you well in your your lives too. No harm  no foul, I guess. That's how forgiveness works. 👍

[ExpatInItaly]

My take on this OP is that you are minimizing the pain you feel about her infidelity. 

You refer to your periods of hurt as "wobbles." That's an interesting choice of word and to me it suggests that you're attempting to downplay (to yourself) how much her cheating hurt you. Yes, she has been truamatized. But she also then did something that undermines the very core of your marriage. Was it a trauma response? You and she believe it was, and it's not really our place to tell you how to interpret her behaviour. 

But did it still damange your marriage? I don't see how it couldn't have, regardless of why it happened. That is where you seem to be papering things over and not really addressing the fall-out of her actions. I realize you are trying to be sympathetic and supportive of her, but where is the support for yourself in dealing with her cheating? "Wobbles" is an unusual way of describing the pain of realizing she betrayed your trust and deceived you for a quite a whie. It's not as though she confessed to you of her own volition; it was more of a forced revelation by someone else, based on your description. That has to hurt. And it's okay to be hurt by her bad behaviour. It doesn't mean you don't recognize the pain of her trauma, but downplaying the subsequent cheating won't help heal the deep wounds your marriage has endured. 

[Tinyjaguar]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My take on this OP is that you are minimizing the pain you feel about her infidelity. 

You refer to your periods of hurt as "wobbles." That's an interesting choice of word and to me it suggests that you're attempting to downplay (to yourself) how much her cheating hurt you. Yes, she has been truamatized. But she also then did something that undermines the very core of your marriage. Was it a trauma response? You and she believe it was, and it's not really our place to tell you how to interpret her behaviour. 

But did it still damange your marriage? I don't see how it couldn't have, regardless of why it happened. That is where you seem to be papering things over and not really addressing the fall-out of her actions. I realize you are trying to be sympathetic and supportive of her, but where is the support for yourself in dealing with her cheating? "Wobbles" is an unusual way of describing the pain of realizing she betrayed your trust and deceived you for a quite a whie. It's not as though she confessed to you of her own volition; it was more of a forced revelation by someone else, based on your description. That has to hurt. And it's okay to be hurt by her bad behaviour. It doesn't mean you don't recognize the pain of her trauma, but downplaying the subsequent cheating won't help heal the deep wounds your marriage has endured. 

Thanks.

I use the word wobbles because I have generally been strong about the situation. Yes, the betrayal really did hurt and I was devastated but I made a choice that I sincerely believe that I can carry though. My marriage and family life are very strong and I have 100% faith in it.

That said, I do agree that I am a little guilt of neglecting myself and should look for some support.

[Starswillshine]

You seem to be willing to excuse all behavior in your wife's life as someone else's fault....

She had sex with over 100 guys by the time she was 23? Oh thays because she had a boyfriend that pushed her into the arms of the men. 

This is why I dont believe we can help you. 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

is it possible your wife is dealing with some PTSD after her assault?( even if it wasn't violent, it was an assault)?
If you think she could be, please encourage her to get help, even if she is resistant and thinks she doesn't need to or is really scared to face what happened to her-I'm not saying that's the case, but it happens.
Like I said before, I know you love her to death really want to help her, but something like this is beyond a spouse's pay grade. I went through a similar experience-my spouse dealt with PTSD ( combat related, he's a veteran) and it almost led to divorce. I didn't recognize it for what it was, and even once I did, he needed far more help than I could provide. His reactions came out in weird ways, and he did have a very brief affair. He told me about it himself- it was a couple of weeks before his last deployment, and when he got home, he got help.

I did want to commend you for sticking by her. A lot of men would have turned tail. Just make sure you look after yourself too. I didn't do that when my husband was ill ( he still is, it's a lifelong process to heal) and it really took a toll on me. It's like they say before a flight takes off- put the oxygen on yourself first, because you can't help anyone if you're down for the count.  It's also okay to be angry. I would get angry at my husband and then feel incredibly guilty. We talked it through, and I was angry at the situation, angry at how he had handled it, angry st "the system" for basically turning its back on one of its soldiers when they came home "broken", angry at what it was doing to our kids. Keeping that all in was toxic. We talked it through over time, and once I allowed myself to be angry, it actually made a big difference. 
This may take your wife a lifetime to deal with. That doesn't mean she'll forever feel bad, just that it can crop up when you least expect it. It sounds to me like she knows she is safe with you. That can mean the world to someone who has been assaulted the way she was. No matter how bad she's feeling, she can count on at least having you in her corner. Just don't lose yourself in the process of being there for her. You matter too. Your concerns and thoughts are ever bit as valid as hers.
 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My take on this OP is that you are minimizing the pain you feel about her infidelity. 

She doesn’t need to rug sweep, he does it for her. 

Quote

I use the word wobbles because I have generally been strong about the situation. Yes, the betrayal really did hurt and I was devastated but I made a choice that I sincerely believe that I can carry though. My marriage and family life are very strong and I have 100% faith in it.

What you are not willing to accept is that infidelity is not an individual problem, it is a couple problem. Just like the assault she suffered affected you both, her infidelity has affected you both. And as such, you can’t not deal with it alone. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

My marriage and family life are very strong and I have 100% faith in it.

I won't argue that, but it appears you're so busy trying to be the stand-up, strong husband that you're losing sight of your own needs in the process. 

In terms of her cheating, what is she doing to regain your trust? What is her responsibility in choosing infidelity and deception?

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I won't argue that, but it appears you're so busy trying to be the stand-up, strong husband that you're losing sight of your own needs in the process. 

In terms of her cheating, what is she doing to regain your trust? What is her responsibility in choosing infidelity and deception?

Well, she passed the "smell test" for me and that is enough for me to stand by her.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Well, she passed the "smell test" for me and that is enough for me to stand by her.

Meaning what?

It's still not clear what - if anything - she is doing to help you trust her again. I don't think it's particularly realistic for a betrayed spouse to heal themselves after an infidelity. Part of that hard work has got to come from the cheater as well. 

You can't and shouldn't be expected to shoulder all that on your own. It's clearly not really working. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Tinyjaguar]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning what?

It's still not clear what - if anything - she is doing to help you trust her again.

What I mean is, that she has expressed remorse and I believe her. I don't need any further proof. That is just how it has panned out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Tinyjaguar said:

What I mean is, that she has expressed remorse and I believe her. I don't need any further proof. That is just how it has panned out.

I'm not talking about proof, though.

I am asking what she's doing to help you feel you can trust her moving forward. 

[Tinyjaguar]

Anyway, I am happy with what I have said and don't feel the need to justify my actions.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Anyway, I am happy with what I have said and don't feel the need to justify my actions.

That's good, because that was not my question. 

Allow me to rephrase it another way: when you are feeling hurt by her cheating, do you discuss these feelings with her? 

[Tinyjaguar]

Not really, because they are not usually relevant to the argument that triggered them. If I did that, it might sound emotive and lead to a bigger argument. The discussion of the ons has been done and we have a good understanding of each other. I don't need her to do anything other than be the woman I love.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

The discussion of the ons has been done and we have a good understanding of each other. I don't need her to do anything other than be the woman I love.

Well then respectfully, why are you posting on an internet message board about the fact that you struggle to deal with your feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal? If you’ve had the discussion, you’ve decided to forgive her, and you’ve dealt with it - why does this keep coming up for you? 

You’ve taken these feelings on as your cross to bear - which is ridiculous, considering that infidelity in a relationship is not an individual problem that you alone can solve. You don’t want to share your feelings lest they either hurt your partner or cause an argument… So, you stuff them down, compartmentalize, and soldier on… We all wonder how long you can continue to do this - before it starts to breed resentment and affect your relationship. These kind of feelings do not like to be ignored… 

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Tinyjaguar]

99% of the time, I can deal with it. 

I posted here because I thought there were others like me that chose to forgive and forget, looking to share a bit of moral support.

Unfortunately, moral support seems to be a little hard to find on the internet. My bad!