Wife's infidelity

[MsJayne]

The only thing I have to offer is that your wife could do with some better friends. You go out with girlfriends and there's alcohol involved, you look out for each other, you do not ever allow a girlfriend to leave a venue alone at night, nor turn a blind eye to a married friend encouraging male attention. Aside from that, there's something not right here, and it's that you can't trust your wife when your back's turned. If alcohol makes her encourage other men and forget you exist, she needs to stop drinking altogether. She needs to decide what's more important, boozing with her friends or her marriage. The assault should have been enough to make her think hard about what sort of people she attracts when she's had a few. 

[Mrin]

Okay I'm not going to comment on the specifics of your story and focus on what you are asking for - support and dealing with your dark moments. 

I guess what I would say is you need to recognize that those dark moments are natural. Anyone in your situation would also have those dark moments. Perhaps even darker. And trying not to have them it's sort of like trying not to swallow. Impossible sooner or later you will. And I'll theorize that trying to avoid them actually make them come more frequently. That's just human nature. 

And it's obvious why you want to avoid them. They probably really suck. Suck so badly that you worried they made lead to you doing something destructive to your relationship. Right? 

Well just a suggestion to try on, what if you stopped thinking of your dark moments as "bad" or "awful" and just as "moments". Yeah they're not pleasant. But you know they'll pass. And perhaps there's something she can do to help speed them along. Or something you can do. They're just a fact of life now. Like a sore back or a bum knee. But unlike those physical ailments, my guess is that if you stop trying to avoid them and reduce the perceived badness of them, they will in time diminish. Or at least be easier to deal with. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited June 24, 2021 by Mrin

[Mrin]

The only other piece of advice I would offer is consider attending a personal development seminar like Landmark. I think you might find it to be helpful. 

[Thefirstwoman]

I am not going to bash you or your wife. I am a woman who was sexually assaulted, whilst I wasn't married and more than once - alcohol was a factor on each occasion. 

What I would say is that the fact that your wife goes out and gets drunk to the point that she can't really remember what happened or say 'no' (though no one has the right to have sex with her LEGALLY or MORALLY when she can't consent) means that she is dealing with stuff - past trauma, probably childhood stuff that means that she has issues around sex. Your 'great' sex life in the light of these traumatic events, only reinforces this as being the truth. Your wife has issues around sex and, bless you, so do you. Sex isn't love and it isn't a relationship - it is a physical act and a way that people 'feel' loved. 

It seems like you are both overcompensating for something through sex and you aren't communicating in a meaningful way (who does!!??). You know that sex is something your wife does with you and she has done with at least, one other willingly. A person can do sex with a sex worker - it isn't intimacy and I think that you and your wife, from what you are saying, both have emotional intimacy issues (i.e., real intimacy issues). You don't know what a relationship, friendship and commitment is - you think it is great sex!?

You didn't say your age but I would guess you are in your 20s, maybe very early 30s. You are missing the point. You would both be better being on your own, not having sex with anyone and finding yourselves, for a few years. Then, if you want to be with each other when you have worked through your intimacy issues, you will be. But the way you are being now - smacks of desperation and 'passion' not love. 

I wish you the best and hope you work it out, but I think you need to do it separately as neither of you are healthy around sex and true intimacy i.e., emotional, not sexual/physical intimacy.

[Tinyjaguar]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Everyone suggesting the assault has to be a lie has clearly never actually dealt with victims of sexual trauma. I have seen much more extreme reactions to sexual assault; I believe her wholeheartedly.

The issue here is that she's not coping well in the aftermath of what happened and she's turning to reckless, even potentially dangerous behavior. The only real solution here is lots of counseling---individually and as a couple, if she's comfortable---and a focus on finding healthy coping mechanisms to replace her unhealthy ones. She made need to give up drinking altogether for a while, as well as identify constructive behaviors to deal with her feelings.

Thanks for your support.

Just to clarify, neither of us are drinkers and we are now coping well. I suspect that we both indulged in "hysterical bonding" in the aftermath of her assault but  when that subsided, she felt down and that left her vulnerable and open to the affair. That is why I have forgiven and am supporting her. But it is easier said than done. Sometimes I need a little support but I can't turn to my wife because I don't want to hurt her.

[Tinyjaguar]

6 minutes ago, Thefirstwoman said:

I am not going to bash you or your wife. I am a woman who was sexually assaulted, whilst I wasn't married and more than once - alcohol was a factor on each occasion. 

What I would say is that the fact that your wife goes out and gets drunk to the point that she can't really remember what happened or say 'no' (though no one has the right to have sex with her LEGALLY or MORALLY when she can't consent) means that she is dealing with stuff - past trauma, probably childhood stuff that means that she has issues around sex. Your 'great' sex life in the light of these traumatic events, only reinforces this as being the truth. Your wife has issues around sex and, bless you, so do you. Sex isn't love and it isn't a relationship - it is a physical act and a way that people 'feel' loved. 

It seems like you are both overcompensating for something through sex and you aren't communicating in a meaningful way (who does!!??). You know that sex is something your wife does with you and she has done with at least, one other willingly. A person can do sex with a sex worker - it isn't intimacy and I think that you and your wife, from what you are saying, both have emotional intimacy issues (i.e., real intimacy issues). You don't know what a relationship, friendship and commitment is - you think it is great sex!?

You didn't say your age but I would guess you are in your 20s, maybe very early 30s. You are missing the point. You would both be better being on your own, not having sex with anyone and finding yourselves, for a few years. Then, if you want to be with each other when you have worked through your intimacy issues, you will be. But the way you are being now - smacks of desperation and 'passion' not love. 

I wish you the best and hope you work it out, but I think you need to do it separately as neither of you are healthy around sex and true intimacy i.e., emotional, not sexual/physical intimacy.

Hi there.

You aren't exactly accurate in the above but I can understand that from the limited information that I have posted. The alcohol factor isn't from habitual drinking, she was on a rare night out for a friend's birthday.

We are both older than you say and have always experienced a good sex life.

[Beauty93]

There is no justifications for the one night stand. Yes everyone reacts differently but typically women don't even want there spouse/husband touching them after something like that happens , let alone a Stranger.

 

[Tinyjaguar]

37 minutes ago, S2B said:

Did your wife file charges against this person who violated her?

No. It was a non-violent assault and he left immediately. It was also in a hotel on a girls night away. Like many assault survivors, she just wanted it to be over and done with and I can't criticise that in any way. She had enough to deal with in the aftermath without an ongoing police investigation in to someone that they might not be able to trace.

I say "non-violent" but it is all relative. She still had some vaginal injuries and marks where she was pinned down.

Of course, I'm not 100% comfortable dragging up details because it was a horrendous experience for her and it was hard enough just being the partner of a sex attack survivor.

Edited June 24, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, Beauty93 said:

There is no justifications for the one night stand. Yes everyone reacts differently but typically women don't even want there spouse/husband touching them after something like that happens , let alone a Stranger.

 

That is a massive misconception. I had a friend who was sexually assaulted when she was a teenager and, far from putting her off sex, it actually made her quite promiscuous.

 

As for my wife, she was ashamed and thought I would want to sleep with her again after her assault. It was a great relief to her when I told her that was not the case. My response to her assault was one of love and protection.

Edited June 24, 2021 by Tinyjaguar

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your here! 

I think i would find a therapist who's good at getting the truth out of her.  They talk people around and before they know it the truth is out. But you have to be prepered for it, it could hurt.

Best of luck 

[Tinyjaguar]

4 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry your here! 

I think i would find a therapist who's good at getting the truth out of her.  They talk people around and before they know it the truth is out. But you have to be prepered for it, it could hurt.

Best of luck 

Don't be sorry, we are making our marriage work and that is what matters. As far as I am concerned, there's nothing more I need to know about the ons. I know my wife well enough to know that I have sufficient information.

I know I am strong enough to recover and so is my wife, but sometimes I need to vent and don't have an outlet.

[Tinyjaguar]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Okay I'm not going to comment on the specifics of your story and focus on what you are asking for - support and dealing with your dark moments. 

I guess what I would say is you need to recognize that those dark moments are natural. Anyone in your situation would also have those dark moments. Perhaps even darker. And trying not to have them it's sort of like trying not to swallow. Impossible sooner or later you will. And I'll theorize that trying to avoid them actually make them come more frequently. That's just human nature. 

And it's obvious why you want to avoid them. They probably really suck. Suck so badly that you worried they made lead to you doing something destructive to your relationship. Right? 

Well just a suggestion to try on, what if you stopped thinking of your dark moments as "bad" or "awful" and just as "moments". Yeah they're not pleasant. But you know they'll pass. And perhaps there's something she can do to help speed them along. Or something you can do. They're just a fact of life now. Like a sore back or a bum knee. But unlike those physical ailments, my guess is that if you stop trying to avoid them and reduce the perceived badness of them, they will in time diminish. Or at least be easier to deal with. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Thanks for your support. The darker moment are getting less frequent and intense with time and I am learning how to manage them. I realise that they will happen and "forgive and forget" isn't an instant process.

[Harry Korsnes]

8 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Don't be sorry, we are making our marriage work and that is what matters. As far as I am concerned, there's nothing more I need to know about the ons. I know my wife well enough to know that I have sufficient information.

I know I am strong enough to recover and so is my wife, but sometimes I need to vent and don't have an outlet.

Just hope your not naive 

[Tinyjaguar]

8 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Just hope your not naive 

Certainly not.

I've seen and heard enough not to be. Like I said, there are details that are not for this forum that would clarify a few things.

[Harry Korsnes]

13 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Certainly not.

I've seen and heard enough not to be. Like I said, there are details that are not for this forum that would clarify a few things.

Have you ever thought about having time apart? Not tryning to tell Whats best for you, just suggesting. 

[Tinyjaguar]

8 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Have you ever thought about having time apart? Not tryning to tell Whats best for you, just suggesting. 

Not really, I considered leaving when she confessed but I made my choice because it felt right not out of fear. It would probably have been easier to leave.

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I am so sorry this happened to your wife. It's an awful thing to go through.

It sounds to me like your wife is really struggling. She needs help, more help that what you can give her on your own. The hysterical bonding has me concerned that part of her feels she is worthless and dirty, someone you couldn't possibly love. She needs to prove to herself that you do, hence the uptick in your love life.

Counselling for the two of you would be smart move. It would give you both a chance to work through through this with the support of a neutral third party. I would also ask your wife to avoid alcohol, at least until she's dealt with this more.  It's all too easy for it to become a coping mechanism when one is having trouble facing a traumatic event.

Gently, I would also suggest to her that she gets some new friends. Something is off when they allowed her to go back to her hotel alone when she wasn't feeling well. That's just not safe. A true friend would have gone back with her to make sure she was okay.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Like I said above, this topic was about support, not open season on slating my wife.

As I mentioned, it's unclear why you are not both in marriage therapy as well as individual counseling for her.

Assault is not a DIY situation. Nor is it something that you can fix with random opinions.

A therapist is trained, professional and confidential. You don't have to defend yourself or your wife against theories.

There are two things going on. You and your wife dealing with the assault and you and your wife dealing with infidelity.

As you know many marriages fall apart from either one of these. So it's unclear why you are not going to therapy.

[Tinyjaguar]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

Op,

I am so sorry this happened to your wife. It's an awful thing to go through.

It sounds to me like your wife is really struggling. She needs help, more help that what you can give her on your own. The hysterical bonding has me concerned that part of her feels she is worthless and dirty, someone you couldn't possibly love. She needs to prove to herself that you do, hence the uptick in your love life.

Counselling for the two of you would be smart move. It would give you both a chance to work through through this with the support of a neutral third party. I would also ask your wife to avoid alcohol, at least until she's dealt with this more.  It's all too easy for it to become a coping mechanism when one is having trouble facing a traumatic event.

Gently, I would also suggest to her that she gets some new friends. Something is off when they allowed her to go back to her hotel alone when she wasn't feeling well. That's just not safe. A true friend would have gone back with her to make sure she was okay.

Thanks for your support. 

The assault was traumatic for her and we are getting through it. I know this because we have a strong marriage and, despite the ons, we are dedicated to each other.

Drink isn't really a factor in our lives and the only significance of alcohol is that she got drunk while she was down and vulnerable, hence her tending to reckless behaviour on this occasion.

Regarding her friends, I can't dictate who to be friends with, she is a grown woman, after all and I'm not willing to reveal why they weren't with her at the time of the assault.

[Tinyjaguar]

8 minutes ago, S2B said:

No charges filed… so he can do this to other women and there’s no record tracing his history of assault.

showing the evidence publicly by charging the perpetrator is key. That way there is a trail for his attacks/history.

id ask her if she will consider filing charges. It can help other victims.

She has reported it and given evidence to be filed with the police. First of all though, you need to understand how traumatic a sexual assault is and also how pursuing charges prolongs that trauma. Also  this was an anonymous individual (and a foreign national) who probably has no criminal record or DNA on police file.

My reaction was that I wanted blood. I wanted any opportunity to find and hurt this man, but I realised that it wouldn't help and he would be impossible to find him. I did to only think that I believed I could, and that was to support my wife's recovery.

[pepperbird2]

2 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Thanks for your support. 

The assault was traumatic for her and we are getting through it. I know this because we have a strong marriage and, despite the ons, we are dedicated to each other.

Drink isn't really a factor in our lives and the only significance of alcohol is that she got drunk while she was down and vulnerable, hence her tending to reckless behaviour on this occasion.

Regarding her friends, I can't dictate who to be friends with, she is a grown woman, after all and I'm not willing to reveal why they weren't with her at the time of the assault.

Op,

I say this with all due respect. The strength of your marriage isn't the issue. This is about a very traumatic event that happened to her. This is beyond your pay grade. Counselling for the two of you will help you both.

No one is saying you should dictate who her friends are, but when out with this group, she was sexually assaulted one evening and on another she got blotto drunk and had a one night stand. These impacted you as well, so you have every right to suggest she cut some ties.

[Starswillshine]

Just because she has dealt with something traumatic, it gives her no right to cheat on you. While I can definitely understand that this may be a response to this trauma, no one would excuse a man beating a woman because he spent time in war. Nor would be ever be supportive of her staying with him. 

Your wife needs to seek counseling. You have to hold her accountable for the things she had done to you (not the rape obviously). 

[Tinyjaguar]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Just because she has dealt with something traumatic, it gives her no right to cheat on you. While I can definitely understand that this may be a response to this trauma, no one would excuse a man beating a woman because he spent time in war. Nor would be ever be supportive of her staying with him. 

Your wife needs to seek counseling. You have to hold her accountable for the things she had done to you (not the rape obviously). 

My response is my own choice for my own reasons. 

I don't feel the need to hold her accountable and I don't excuse her indiscretion because of the assault. She knows she did wrong and is remorseful for it. To "punish" her for it wouldn't serve any good purpose. Sometimes you have to learn to move on without needing to "right the wrong". I don't need to strike back to forgive. I just need to be able to let go of anger and animosity. 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

My response is my own choice for my own reasons. 

I don't feel the need to hold her accountable and I don't excuse her indiscretion because of the assault. She knows she did wrong and is remorseful for it. To "punish" her for it wouldn't serve any good purpose. Sometimes you have to learn to move on without needing to "right the wrong". I don't need to strike back to forgive. I just need to be able to let go of anger and animosity. 

So you hold all the responsibilities for the pain SHE caused? 

I'm not saying you ditch her, but she needs to deal with it. She needs to understand the hurt she is also causing you. She needs therapy. I would not continue another day in the marriage without her looking for a therapist. If we can assume this was only a trauma response, she needs to do everything she can to fix it. You should not have to be hurt because of it.

But do as you wish. It is just not a life I could ever live. I know... cuz I tried for awhile and it nearly killed me..

[Okgal96]

Look, for those telling you she’s BSing you, they don’t know that there are multiple ways people deal with assault. Hypersexuality and sexual impulsivity is a trauma response, no one here can tell you how your wife is supposed to handle the assault and it feels like she needs counseling to address that.

[ ]

Edited June 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic