When will my tears dry up? 6 months of NC but I'm still thinking about my Ex-MM

[Evie]

I’m new here but I’ve been reading everyone’s comments to keep me from breaking the NC rule. I feel like an addict going through withdrawal. He was my first boyfriend from high school and we broke up based on some misunderstandings in 1996. I ghosted him after the break up and I caused him great pain. He first contacted me in 2008 asking me why I did that to him since he never got over me. It was the same for me, for the past 23 years, we both loved each other in our hearts and was never able to truly let go. We emailed each other on and off but never talked about our feelings or crossed any lines. My dad left my mom for another woman so I always grew up thinking mistresses are home wreckers and despite them. I never knew that sometimes life is much more complicated than that and not everything is black and white.

Finally in 2019, we confessed our true feelings and decided to get a divorce from our spouses so we could finally be with each other again. I’m now divorced but he is not. After he told his wife he wanted to separate, his wife kept threatening to kill herself and leave the kids with him. She is now on antidepressant and he just can’t take the chance. He said he loves me but doesn’t want to string me along but he doesn’t know when he could get out of the mess.  What makes this even harder is that he lives in the West Coast and I’m in the East Coast. I know that this is not just physical so it breaks my heart to cut contact with him. But I don’t want to be the other woman always hoping for that chance that she will finally let him go. Even though they sleep in different bedrooms for years; it still bothers me a lot that they’re together and we are not.  He showed me the phone bills and her texts, they hardly talk to each other and the only thing that is keeping them together are the kids.  During Covid, we zoomed almost everyday and we talked/texted on a daily basis. 

I kept telling myself, as long as he loves me, that will be enough. But I can’t help but want more with him…I want a life with him, I want to grow old with him. Especially during COVID time, I realized that if I ever got sick, he can’t be here for me. God forbid, if he ever got hurts, I won’t be able to be by his side. That is so heart breaking for me.

I finally went cold turkey on Dec 9, 2020 and went NC with him. He hasn’t reach out to me since and I know that he is also doing this so I could move on. It has been more than 6 months now and I still think about him daily. For some sick reasons, I still hope that he would reach out to me…even though I know we will jump right back into square one.
 

This has been like a constant battle inside my head. I know that I could live without him but at the same time, I don’t want to live without him because I love him so much. There is not much I can do, since he already said he can’t leave her like this and decided to stay in the marriage. 

I do feel a lot stronger now compared to 6 months ago. My friends been encouraging me to start dating but I just can’t…I don’t want to use someone as a rebound but at the same time I don’t know will I ever recover.  

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Evie said:

I’m now divorced but he is not. After he told his wife he wanted to separate, his wife kept threatening to kill herself and leave the kids with him. She is now on antidepressant and he just can’t take the chance. He said he loves me but doesn’t want to string me along but he doesn’t know when he could get out of the mess.

Do you have proof that his wife was threatening to kill herself and leave the kids with him?  How old are his kids and did he make any plans to be with you after the kids are off to college? People (the wife) make threats when they feel desperate but most don't follow through.   Do you have proof that they have slept in different bedrooms for years?  I'm sorry but something about his excuses sound very familiar to other MM who are trying to exit an affair.  Continue to be strong and you'll get through this.  I think it's a good idea to start dating again, slowly.  Your life isn't over.

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Evie said:

I know that I could live without him but at the same time, I don’t want to live without him because I love him so much.

Unfortunately, you don’t have much of a choice. If he is not willing to file for divorce, he is not yours to have. 

21 minutes ago, Evie said:

My friends been encouraging me to start dating but I just can’t…

Then don’t. But, what else are you doing to distract yourself, to get your mind off this man and focus on your own life?

Like any breakup, it will get better with time. I’m curious to know if you regret ending your marriage Evie?

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Since you live on opposite coasts, when was the last time you saw him? 

[Evie]

@stillafool we chat with each other all the time  first thing we wake up and before bedtime. His home office is in his bedroom so we zoomed all the time too.  He showed me screenshots of their conversations and also called me a couple times when his wife disappeared and implied she was going to hurt herself.  His kids are 14 and 10.
 

@BaileyB My kids are 13, 12 and 9. I don’t regret filing for divorce coz I’ve been unhappy for so long in my marriage. My ex-husband goes out drinking with his friends all the time and he denied cheating on me in the past but I’m pretty sure he was. I practically raised my kids as a single parents all these years and my kids are very supportive of my decision.  I stayed in the marriage for my children coz I didn’t want them to grow up in a single family environment like me.  I found God during that time andI devoted myself serving at church and doing ministry for years. I left church and stepped down from my role as soon as I know I’m not going to stay in the marriage.  If anything, my ex-mm gave me the push to leave a toxic marriage. 
 

@Starswillshine the last time I saw him was Feb 2020. We only saw each other 3 times for a total of 18 days during the 1.5 years that we were together. 
 

I’ve been doing a lot during the 6 months of NC. I read books and watched tons of inspirational videos to learn to love myself first. I kept a journal to write my feelings and thoughts down.  I took couple road trips with my gfs and also with my children. I used the money I was saving to buy a house near his work for a brand new Mercedes. lol I also got a cosmetic procedure for my eye bags to be removed since they bothered me for years.
 

I do feel much better compared to the beginning when I was having all these anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.  But at the same time, I still miss him like crazy and I know I shouldn’t.  They say time heals all wound, but I never forgot about him all these years…I’m just afraid I’ll carry this the rest of my life. 

[Starswillshine]

I don't know if this is the case with you, but at some point, it is important to start moving away from focusing on the feelings of hurt, pain, woundedness. You have to start focusing your energy elsewhere. That being said, you changed a lot of things, you divorced and became a single mom meanwhile dealing with the realization that this won't happen. While your marriage was not happy and you believe it was the right decision, there is still a lot of pain in that. It is possible you are transferring that huge life change pain into the pain of losing this OM. If that makes sense. So in the scope of things, 6 months after ALL of that is still not enough time to be fully ok. Give yourself time... it will get better. Just start moving forward and out of the mindset of wounded. Hugs. 

[BaileyB]

There is something to the thought that we want most the things we can’t have.

This feels to me like you have created a fantasy about this man. There is an element here that this relationship is fated in the stars, your “first love” that was never fully realized and that is difficult to let go. Even the days you have spent together, they are almost like honeymoon - a special time together away from the responsibilities and stresses of daily life. In this context, it’s not hard to appreciate that no other man could possibly compare to the fanatsy you have about this man and what “might have been…” 

IF she is threatening self harm, that is really sad. It’s manipulative and it’s a terrible thing to do to another person. That said, if he was truly unhappy and wanted to be with you - he would make that happen. No woman can prevent a man from filing for divorce if he is truly intent on leaving his marriage. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

17 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I don't know if this is the case with you, but at some point, it is important to start moving away from focusing on the feelings of hurt, pain, woundedness. You have to start focusing your energy elsewhere. That being said, you changed a lot of things, you divorced and became a single mom meanwhile dealing with the realization that this won't happen. While your marriage was not happy and you believe it was the right decision, there is still a lot of pain in that. It is possible you are transferring that huge life change pain into the pain of losing this OM. If that makes sense. So in the scope of things, 6 months after ALL of that is still not enough time to be fully ok. Give yourself time... it will get better. Just start moving forward and out of the mindset of wounded. Hugs. 

I agree, you've been through a lot and time will help. Do you have someone (a friend, a therapist) to talk through these feelings with? I found that sometimes when I kept everything inside, everything kind of festered inside of me. But when I talked about things with an outside person (in my case my therapist), I was able to let those feelings go. If you don't have someone to talk to, maybe write things in a journal...another way to get the feelings out of your head and allow you to move forward. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

While your marriage was not happy and you believe it was the right decision, there is still a lot of pain in that. It is possible you are transferring that huge life change pain into the pain of losing this OM. If that makes sense. So in the scope of things, 6 months after ALL of that is still not enough time to be fully ok. Give yourself time... it will get better.

Very true. Have you had the opportunity to get some counselling OP?

[Evie]

I think you guys are absolutely right…I think I idealized my ex-MM a lot and the honest truth is that we are both different people now.  I haven’t seek therapy yet because I’m afraid I’ll have another breakdown again. There was awhile that I couldn’t get out of bed and just cried. I need to be composed since I have to take care of my children and my elderly mom.  
 

I’m so happy I found this site since the few friends that I told this to doesn’t even want to hear his name. They feel mad at me that I’m not over him after all these time.  So I don’t bring him up anymore becoz I don’t think they would understand. I do feel ashamed that I still can’t let go. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Evie

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Evie said:

I think I idealized my ex-MM a lot

I tend to do that when life is hard. It’s easy to attach to something positive that would deliver you from the pain and the hardship that you are having to deal with - but the fantasy is very different from the reality. 

We hear you, this is hard. You’ve lost two very important relationships in the last six months. One of those relationships has a lot to unpack, divorce is difficult enough but add to that the trauma of alcohol abuse and the possibility of infidelity. And then, the responsibility of caring for children at a time when you have nothing to give, but they need your love and support. That’s hard. 

If I may, my focus right now would be on self care. Radical self care. What do you need to do to be healthy and function. Eat, sleep, exercise, rest. What brings you joy - those things should be your focus right now. And please consider counselling. When I went to talk with a counsellor after my mother passed, I sat there and cried the whole first visit. I tried to tell the story of her illness and her death, and all the trauma that I and my family had suffered, but I literally cried the whole appointment. And, my counsellor simply offered me Kleenex and listened. It felt good just to be able to cry with someone who simply allowed me to feel. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Evie]

@BaileyB - Thank you! I couldn’t stop crying after reading your post.  I feel the genuine care from you guys even though we just started talking on this forum. I feel sad that he doesn’t want to hurt his wife but chose to hurt me instead. He said he knows I could handle it coz I have a lot going for myself.  

I did seek therapy maybe 15 years ago before I met my ex- husband. All my life, I just wanted a family of my own since my dad left us when my brothers and I were little.  I had a lot of unresolved issues with my mom and even though I went to seek relationship advice, I ended up talking about my mom the most. I’m afraid to open a can of worm in a way.  But I think you guys are right, I do need professional help.  

[Evie]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I don't know if this is the case with you, but at some point, it is important to start moving away from focusing on the feelings of hurt, pain, woundedness. You have to start focusing your energy elsewhere. That being said, you changed a lot of things, you divorced and became a single mom meanwhile dealing with the realization that this won't happen. While your marriage was not happy and you believe it was the right decision, there is still a lot of pain in that. It is possible you are transferring that huge life change pain into the pain of losing this OM. If that makes sense. So in the scope of things, 6 months after ALL of that is still not enough time to be fully ok. Give yourself time... it will get better. Just start moving forward and out of the mindset of wounded. Hugs. 

It is a big change for me but overall I think it is change for the better.  It’s been two years since I filed for divorce. I filed in Oct 2019 and finalized  the divorce in July 2020.  I just went into no contact with Ex-MM in Dec 2020.  It’s like an emotional roller coaster, sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and not see anyone. Thank you for your post!

[Snakesalive]

20 hours ago, Evie said:

t’s like an emotional roller coaster, sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and not see anyone.

Me like many others on this sure can totally relate to this feeling . Please believe me when I say it will pass with focus , self care and work For me therapy (and this site) have been a god send . I realised I wasn’t actively working to forget him - more I was just hoping time and distance and no contact would do it for me .  It’s a tough road but I know you’ll get there. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by Snakesalive

[hajk]

@Evie I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and can't stop thinking about the exMM.  Please check out the following YouTube videos on how to stop obsessively thinking of someone.  I hope you will find them helpful.

How do we stop obsessively thinking of someone? @Susan Winter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sPkjyUTbw8

How to Break the Loop of Obsesion @Susan Winter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCjMr_JpGcU

Letting Go Of Someone | Setting Yourself Free | Guided Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icwH04CIXtA

[Evie]

@Snakesalive How long did it took you to finally be ok and how long were you in that relationship? What made you finally leave?  Reading the different threads here is definitely an eye opener for me.

I really thought what I had with my ex-MM was different and that our love was special given our long history. But it seems that the scripts are identical with many on this forum…that they never really loved the wives and that we are their one true love. My ex-MM said that I was the only one he could opened up to all these years but it seems many here heard the same line.  I thought we were different…I thought it was real. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by Evie

[Evie]

3 minutes ago, hajk said:

@Evie I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and can't stop thinking about the exMM.  Please check out the following YouTube videos on how to stop obsessively thinking of someone.  I hope you will find them helpful.

How do we stop obsessively thinking of someone? @Susan Winter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sPkjyUTbw8

How to Break the Loop of Obsesion @Susan Winter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCjMr_JpGcU

Letting Go Of Someone | Setting Yourself Free | Guided Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icwH04CIXtA

Thank you,  @hajk! I’ll check the video out. These videos and forums have been amy lifeline!  🥰

[pepperbird2]

On 6/23/2021 at 11:15 AM, Evie said:

I’m new here but I’ve been reading everyone’s comments to keep me from breaking the NC rule. I feel like an addict going through withdrawal. He was my first boyfriend from high school and we broke up based on some misunderstandings in 1996. I ghosted him after the break up and I caused him great pain. He first contacted me in 2008 asking me why I did that to him since he never got over me. It was the same for me, for the past 23 years, we both loved each other in our hearts and was never able to truly let go. We emailed each other on and off but never talked about our feelings or crossed any lines. My dad left my mom for another woman so I always grew up thinking mistresses are home wreckers and despite them. I never knew that sometimes life is much more complicated than that and not everything is black and white.

Finally in 2019, we confessed our true feelings and decided to get a divorce from our spouses so we could finally be with each other again. I’m now divorced but he is not. After he told his wife he wanted to separate, his wife kept threatening to kill herself and leave the kids with him. She is now on antidepressant and he just can’t take the chance. He said he loves me but doesn’t want to string me along but he doesn’t know when he could get out of the mess.  What makes this even harder is that he lives in the West Coast and I’m in the East Coast. I know that this is not just physical so it breaks my heart to cut contact with him. But I don’t want to be the other woman always hoping for that chance that she will finally let him go. Even though they sleep in different bedrooms for years; it still bothers me a lot that they’re together and we are not.  He showed me the phone bills and her texts, they hardly talk to each other and the only thing that is keeping them together are the kids.  During Covid, we zoomed almost everyday and we talked/texted on a daily basis. 

I kept telling myself, as long as he loves me, that will be enough. But I can’t help but want more with him…I want a life with him, I want to grow old with him. Especially during COVID time, I realized that if I ever got sick, he can’t be here for me. God forbid, if he ever got hurts, I won’t be able to be by his side. That is so heart breaking for me.

I finally went cold turkey on Dec 9, 2020 and went NC with him. He hasn’t reach out to me since and I know that he is also doing this so I could move on. It has been more than 6 months now and I still think about him daily. For some sick reasons, I still hope that he would reach out to me…even though I know we will jump right back into square one.
 

This has been like a constant battle inside my head. I know that I could live without him but at the same time, I don’t want to live without him because I love him so much. There is not much I can do, since he already said he can’t leave her like this and decided to stay in the marriage. 

I do feel a lot stronger now compared to 6 months ago. My friends been encouraging me to start dating but I just can’t…I don’t want to use someone as a rebound but at the same time I don’t know will I ever recover.  

 I don't mean to be rude, but come on!  His wife become suicidal at the thought of her marriage ending, he's scared for his kids, yet he does the one thing that is pretty much guaranteed to harm her mental health and quite possibly push her over the edge?
It's like someone who's wife is allergic to stings asking his wife to unknowingly stand under a hornet's nest while he grabs the house and sprays it, full on.

Sounds like father of the year to me🙄

[pepperbird2]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:57 PM, Evie said:

@BaileyB - Thank you! I couldn’t stop crying after reading your post.  I feel the genuine care from you guys even though we just started talking on this forum. I feel sad that he doesn’t want to hurt his wife but chose to hurt me instead. He said he knows I could handle it coz I have a lot going for myself.  

I did seek therapy maybe 15 years ago before I met my ex- husband. All my life, I just wanted a family of my own since my dad left us when my brothers and I were little.  I had a lot of unresolved issues with my mom and even though I went to seek relationship advice, I ended up talking about my mom the most. I’m afraid to open a can of worm in a way.  But I think you guys are right, I do need professional help.  

Think of it this way- if you broke your leg, you'd take the time and energy to let it heal. The mind is no different. It needs TLC too, time to recover and heal.

[BaileyB]

I don’t know that I believe that story… but if it is true, it’s a disaster. She has perhaps stabilized on the antidepressant but if he is still concerned about her ability to cope with a separation (remember, this is not D-day, this is separation and divorce - something that is difficult for everyone but usually not destabilizing in this way unless there are significant mental health concerns). While I respect the fact that he may have stayed in at attempt to stabilize the situation, staying indefinitely and enabling this kind of behavior is not a long term solution either. Even if he was to eventually divorce, the fact that you live on opposite coasts and you both have children makes this an untenable situation. There is no good solution to that problem, so bringing this together is more fantasy than reality. Poor kids, if what he has said is true (which is a big IF), this marriage sounds like a train wreck and he is not helping by engaging in the one thing that if discovered, would further destabilize the family. Best that it is done. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Evie said:

@Snakesalive How long did it took you to finally be ok and how long were you in that relationship? What made you finally leave?  Reading the different threads here is definitely an eye opener for me.

I really thought what I had with my ex-MM was different and that our love was special given our long history. But it seems that the scripts are identical with many on this forum…that they never really loved the wives and that we are their one true love. My ex-MM said that I was the only one he could opened up to all these years but it seems many here heard the same line.  I thought we were different…I thought it was real. 

I was in the relationship for 6 years but it wasn’t a physical affair the whole time -doesn’t make it any better -it’s just a fact . We were both married and worked together . Long story short he left his wife -not for me (I’m still not clear if he ended the relationship or her) there were so many lies I don’t know what was true. 
I left my husband we moved in and things went wrong pretty quickly , I realised I had just been an emotional crutch for him everything he said -all the tears etc about how he was insecure etc -all text book stuff evaporated-people on here will say the person at the end was the person they really were and that’s absolutely true. I honestly couldn’t believe how wrong I had got things and it’s took me almost 9 months to get to where I am . 
 

 

[Evie]

32 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

 I don't mean to be rude, but come on!  His wife become suicidal at the thought of her marriage ending, he's scared for his kids, yet he does the one thing that is pretty much guaranteed to harm her mental health and quite possibly push her over the edge?
It's like someone who's wife is allergic to stings asking his wife to unknowingly stand under a hornet's nest while he grabs the house and sprays it, full on.

Sounds like father of the year to me🙄

He didn’t think she would have any issues agreeing to legal separation since they were having issues for so many years. She didn’t become suicidal at first but once he started looking for a condo to move out that is when she started. But you’re right, I questioned him when he said he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  She stopped taking care of the kids and asked him to hire someone to write a will for her.  Even though it might be just a threat, it’s just too much risk to take.  So it’s best that I just walk away from this and I know this is the only good outcome.

[Evie]

36 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t know that I believe that story… but if it is true, it’s a disaster. She has perhaps stabilized on the antidepressant but if he is still concerned about her ability to cope with a separation (remember, this is not D-day, this is separation and divorce - something that is difficult for everyone but usually not destabilizing in this way unless there are significant mental health concerns). While I respect the fact that he may have stayed in at attempt to stabilize the situation, staying indefinitely and enabling this kind of behavior is not a long term solution either. Even if he was to eventually divorce, the fact that you live on opposite coasts and you both have children makes this an untenable situation. There is no good solution to that problem, so bringing this together is more fantasy than reality. Poor kids, if what he has said is true (which is a big IF), this marriage sounds like a train wreck and he is not helping by engaging in the one thing that if discovered, would further destabilize the family. Best that it is done. 

I grew up in the West Coast and my family actually are all there.  So I planned to move back with my children eventually since my family could be great support for me as well. My ex-husband been an absent dad all these years so it would actually be better for me and my kids.  
 

As for their marriage, it’s been toxic all along and I realized that they might be codependents and totally enmeshed.  That is not something that I should get tangled with and I think it became more clear once I started NC.  Even though I’m still heart broken…I know mentally I’m much stronger since I don’t feel anxious or scared anymore.  
 

I will keep going forward and keep trying to be strong and not fall back.  Thank you for being blunt and honest with me.

[Evie]

44 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t know that I believe that story… but if it is true, it’s a disaster. She has perhaps stabilized on the antidepressant but if he is still concerned about her ability to cope with a separation (remember, this is not D-day, this is separation and divorce - something that is difficult for everyone but usually not destabilizing in this way unless there are significant mental health concerns). While I respect the fact that he may have stayed in at attempt to stabilize the situation, staying indefinitely and enabling this kind of behavior is not a long term solution either. Even if he was to eventually divorce, the fact that you live on opposite coasts and you both have children makes this an untenable situation. There is no good solution to that problem, so bringing this together is more fantasy than reality. Poor kids, if what he has said is true (which is a big IF), this marriage sounds like a train wreck and he is not helping by engaging in the one thing that if discovered, would further destabilize the family. Best that it is done. 

I grew up in the West Coast and my family actually are all there.  So I planned to move back with my children eventually since my family could be great support for me as well. My ex-husband been an absent dad all these years so it would actually be better for me and my kids.  
 

As for their marriage, it’s been toxic all along and I realized that they might be codependents and totally enmeshed.  That is not something that I should get tangled with and I think it became more clear once I started NC.  Even though I’m still heart broken…I know mentally I’m much stronger since I don’t feel anxious or scared anymore.  
 

I will keep going forward and keep trying to be strong and not fall back.  Thank you for being blunt and honest with me.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Evie said:

I grew up in the West Coast and my family actually are all there.  So I planned to move back with my children eventually since my family could be great support for me as well. My ex-husband been an absent dad all these years so it would actually be better for me and my kids.  

That makes good sense. It makes a difference is you are not sharing custody with another parent. I can see the draw if you family is on the West coast. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by BaileyB