Gaslightng Narcissist?

[Jay89]

Hello everyone,

I am so confused with myself that idk what to think anymore. Me and my gf has been together for 2 years now and we have been arguing more than ever and I cant seem to just shake it off. I try to be reasonable when we argue and i ALWAYS let her know that I'm acknowledging her side of view of the problems being mentioned but when I point out that she doesn't for me, she flips it on me like I'm blaming her. If i want to talk about an issue, she states that I'm trying to argue with her so when I decide to let it go and don't want to talk about it when SHE IS READY, now I'm being distant and rude. When i try to explain that it is because of her actions that made me feel this way, she will then say that I'm always blaming her and that she has no fault for it. When I want to talk to her, she will sometimes tell me she doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't push the issue anymore and let it go.

When I get over the issue, she wants to talk about it and now I'm not in the mood to talk about something a week ago because i had to force myself to get over it. every time she gets mad, she threatens to never want to see me again or actually dump me, delete me from all social media and lock or deleted my number and all the pictures we haven't taken. When tell her about this, she says she has the right to deal with stuff as she please. now I'm so conditioned to not want to take pics with her or go on trips that she cancels out of anger that she is now mad at me for not being "loving" to her. Once again, I remind her that its because of the things she keeps doing which causes me to feel this way, she goes berserk! There are times I just agree with her for the sake of the relationship just to save face and not argue but she gets mad when I do that! and when I finally tell her what's on my mind, she gets mad and says I shouldn't have said nothing anyway. I'm tired of this s*** but somehow I just really feel like this s*** is my fault. I told her that she only loves me conditionally. When she gets mad, she wants NOTHING to do with me. When she is happy, she wants to be around me al the time and i find that switch very awkward.

I used to be happy but now idk. Recently she had told me that "these 2 years was a mistake" and she calls our relationship a "partnership", yet she still doesn't understand that I'm not affectionate for THESE reasons. THAT HURT! Please help me. Help me understand about  me. I feel so stupid for dealing with it and I want o just go. Emotionally I am broken down to where I just accept it all and don't argue back. Its a power struggle for her. She wants love but doesn't respect me enough to give it back. What should I do and how do I go about getting my emotional independence back? Am I the one wrong??

[Acacia98]

43 minutes ago, Jay89 said:

I'm tired of this s*** but somehow I just really feel like this s*** is my fault.

(...)

I used to be happy but now idk. Recently she had told me that "these 2 years was a mistake" and she calls our relationship a "partnership", yet she still doesn't understand that I'm not affectionate for THESE reasons. THAT HURT! Please help me. Help me understand about  me. I feel so stupid for dealing with it and I want o just go. Emotionally I am broken down to where I just accept it all and don't argue back. Its a power struggle for her. She wants love but doesn't respect me enough to give it back. What should I do and how do I go about getting my emotional independence back? Am I the one wrong??

Quite frankly, she sounds exhausting. It's time to end this relationship. Based on what you say, it sounds like you've done what you reasonably can to make peace and to make the relationship work. It's not working. In fact, it sounds pretty toxic.

How to get emotionally independent? Take a step back and gradually start to disengage emotionally. And then when she eventually says something that is calculated to wound you deeply (because she inevitably will), agree with her. For instance, if she says she's ending things, agree with her, and walk. If she says you're cruel, agree with her and tell her she deserves someone better suited to her; you're not the right person for her. Then walk.

The only thing keeping you in the relationship right now is your misplaced sense of guilt. I think it's important for you to understand that you two are a mismatch. Whether she's to blame or you're to blame or you're both to blame, the relationship should end. So don't let the possibility that you're wrong keep you there.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jay89 said:

every time she gets mad, she threatens to never want to see me again or actually dump me, delete me from all social media and lock or deleted my number and all the pictures we haven't taken.

You need to end this. How old is she? 

You are in a power struggle and simply at each other's throats.

You two are arguing about arguing and arguing about when to argue and arguing about how to argue, etc. 🚩

Why be a hostage to all this? Anyone who keeps threatening all this is someone you need to run from.👟👟

[Seven7]

Sounds like she doesn’t want to resolve anything and just shift blame. You will never had a successful relationship with someone that’s not willing to try solving the problems in the relationship. I know it’s hard but it’s best to let go. Some of the biggest blessings come out of the hardest lessons learned. 

[basil67]

On 6/24/2021 at 3:44 AM, Jay89 said:

I told her that she only loves me conditionally.

To be fair, it sounds like you're in this bad situation because you do love unconditionally.   If you make your love conditional on being treated respectfully, this will all become clearer.

Edited July 1, 2021 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

I dated someone like this for a bit. It never got better. 

You have tried, and it isn't working. You know what you need to do.