My ex won't shut the door on a potential future but is trying to move on from his feelings towards me

[bren123]

My ex broke up with me in the beginning of May. After a really difficult year and no communication he felt like there was no hope. After we broke up I told him I wanted continue seeing each other to either work on relationship or work on friendship to get back into relationship. I saw him at least twice/week. It started to dwindle off and I gave him a lot of space.

During this time I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going in that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match his personality, it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years. I reached out to him because I thought it would make a difference.

He had already started to see someone new, to try to move on from his feelings he still had from me. For some reason I don’t care that he started to see someone new, I feel fully focused on just us, even though there is no “us”. After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future because I could fix the feelings i’ve been having.

I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell and to just block me after because I had no idea why I felt this way in my heart. He ended up saying the exact opposite during the phone call when I asked for his honest feeling/opinion: the changes I was making could make a difference-yes, he could see us reconnecting in the future and falling back in love-yes, we do have a possible shot in hell- yes, if I am able to get back to the girl he first dated (who I am currently making moves towards personality wise no honeymoon phase)- he could see us together because we had a lot of fun. Said it wasn’t that easy to just say no, saying no was a way for me to back off (which I have a difficult time doing).

The next day I asked him what I thought was an easy question for him to close the door on us and say he wanted to just move forward with what he had going on, “would you be willing to step back from your situation to allow time for us to spend together?”, he couldn’t answer it, said he had a lot to think about. I gave him the weekend and reached out to him after having my first therapy session which left me feeling pretty bad and for some reason inside I felt like I needed him. The answer he gave me was “I don’t think I can do that”.

Its making it difficult me to just forget about him when he says these things. He won’t block me like I asked when I reached out for him to “squash my confidence”, he said he will just ignore me. I don’t know what to do. I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference. How long is too long to hold out?

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Welcome to LoveShack Bren.  I know how it feels to want someone back and not want to accept when it's over.  Your ex broke up with you and it seems you convinced him to have a friendship hoping to get back in a relationship.  It sounds like he had already starting seeing the other girl when you felt the friendship dwindle and shortly after he asked her to be in a  relationship.  When he took that weekend to decide if he wanted to get back with you he told you "I don't think I can do that" which says he is emotionally tied to this other girl. I think it is good that you are getting help because it isn't easy letting go of someone you love.  You have to let him go now because he's made himself clear.  You'll be okay.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, bren123 said:

How long is too long to hold out?

How much of you youth do you want to squander?

2 hours ago, bren123 said:

He had already started to see someone new, to try to move on from his feelings he still had from me

when I asked for his honest feeling/opinion: the changes I was making could make a difference-yes, he could see us reconnecting in the future and falling back in love-yes, we do have a possible shot in hell- yes, if I am able to get back to the girl he first dated (who I am currently making moves towards personality wise no honeymoon phase)- he could see us together because we had a lot of fun. Said it wasn’t that easy to just say no, saying no was a way for me to back off (which I have a difficult time doing).

2 hours ago, bren123 said:

The answer he gave me was “I don’t think I can do that”.

I don't think it would be a good idea to turn into a doormat for him.  He was basically taking your temperature to see if he could talk you into NSA sex "as friends, but it's complicated".

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, bren123 said:

He won’t block me like I asked when I reached out for him to “squash my confidence”,

It isn't up to him to do this. 

You need to do it for yourself. Stop looking to him to make decisions about your life, OP. The fact that he is dating someone else is your cue to stop contacting him. You need to exercise self-control here and not expect him to manage your life and emotions for you. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Don't try to be friends. He's seeing someone. 

It's best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This way, the focus is on yourself and moving forward in peace rather than jumping through this clowns hoops.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, OP, but whatever he is saying to you is rubbish.  He is moving on.  You cannot ask him to give you closure because he doesn't have the emotional maturity.  He thinks it's kinder to say there is a possibility in the future.  It isn't: it is kinder to give you a definitive 'no'.

You need to cut HIM off and focus on looking at a different future without him in it.  I know it seems hard and scary but you can do it.  You are focusing on yourself and him, trying to fix things.  You cannot fix the past and he has moved on.  You need, for your own sake, to accept that it is over, regardless of what he says.

There are two people in a relationship and both have some responsibility for what happens.  You should not be blaming yourself and trying to get back with him.  I'm sure he wasn't perfect.  

May I suggest that you look up some of Marisa Peer's videos on Youtube?  She has some interesting things to say which I think may help you in your current state of mind.

I think you are blaming yourself and obsessed with this relationship instead of looking at the positive things about you and how you can get over this guy and move forward to a happier and loving future.  You deserve someone who is fully there for you.

 

 

Edited June 27, 2021 by spiderowl

[kendahke]

On 6/23/2021 at 6:16 PM, bren123 said:

He won’t block me like I asked

You need to control yourself--that's your heavy lift, not his.  Time to get to lifting.