Long term depression and guilt after cheating

[Okgal96]

I’ll try to keep it short. My husband and I were married young, me 19 and he 23.  We were military, had a very volatile marriage. I was constantly being accused of being unfaithful, I would get berated if I talked to a male and didn’t tell them I had a boyfriend, he would get extremely jealous. There was this girl who was infatuated with him and she was always inserting herself into our relationship and telling people that I was jealous of their previous romance, she came over to talk to him in private and I was kicked out, she asked him if he had gotten her letters while she was gone for a year would they be together instead of us, he told her “you never know”. I asked him to confront her and tell her to stop yet all he did was avoid her and laugh when I brought it up. We continued to argue, things would get physical, he would demand sex and guilt me into it. I deployed a few times and cheated on him while away. I told him on the last one because he finally agreed to marriage counseling. He was obviously devastated and wanted to work on it, even sought help and advice on this site. He said he was upset and his desire for revenge and punishment weren’t existent and he wanted to work on it. I believed it and when I came home we were going to do counseling and work on things. When I got home, I went through 2 years of name calling, telling me what a horrible person and mother I was, threatening to tell my family and told if my mother’s health got worse it would be because of me, threatening to take the kids, told me how I betrayed everyone, was coerced and guilted into anal sex even though he knew how painful it was for me to the point of crying. I was basically told what a sinner I was (even though he wasn’t religious) and how big of a POS I was and how those guys didn’t see anything in me but sex (which was true, but still hurt to hear that I had no redeeming qualities other than to be used for sex). I went to continuous individual counseling, we did 2 marriage counseling sessions and he went to a few sessions of counseling, saying people he sought advice from told him he wasn’t the one who needed it. Anyway, time goes on and I take the abuse because I obviously deserve it after what I did; eventually it stops but the damage to my self esteem is done, but I’m sure no comparison to what I did to him. I know I’m not a bad person but still after all of these years (11 years later), I still struggle with who I am as a person. I never cheated again, I did attempt suicide and go through bouts of severe depression and struggle with who I am and what kind of person I really am. I never discussed this with my husband until recently, he just says he was angry and then tries to bring up what I did to him. He says I’m a good person and a good mom, he forgives me and trusts me, etc. etc but I still struggle. I guess I’m just glad he gave me a second chance and I’m trying to move forward but every once in a while I revert. I’m not really sure how to move forward.

Edited June 24, 2021 by Okgal96

[Sun Seeker]

Cheating, suicidal thoughts, depression, name calling, shaming, threats, abuse.. the list goes on..

You already made a mistake in staying in this toxic relationship when it clearly was not working.

Don't make another - get a divorce now.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Okgal96 said:

He says I’m a good person and a good mom, he forgives me and trusts me,

I'm sorry, he forgives you? 

That is arse-backwards. This man is an abuser and he has not changed. 

I would move forward by divorcing him. 

[BaileyB]

The two of you need to stop hurting each other.

What you describe is a very abusive relationship. You should not be together anymore, this has gone on too long already. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Okgal96 said:

 I did attempt suicide and go through bouts of severe depression

Sorry this is happening. Speak frankly with your doctors about the abuse and talk to trusted friends and family. Try to extricate yourself from this situation.

[stillafool]

You should have left him a long time ago.

[Okgal96]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry, he forgives you? 

That is arse-backwards. This man is an abuser and he has not changed. 

I would move forward by divorcing him. 

Yes, for cheating on him. He would say that back then then later proceed to call me names and tell me how I betrayed our kids and my family (parents, siblings), my soldiers, everyone. Told me what a terrible mother and person I was. But he says now that I’m a good mother, etc because I still feel the effects because I never dealt with it I just let him go through his rage. I didn’t realize how bad it has destroyed me, but when I tell him that he just says what I did destroyed him. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Okgal96 said:

Yes, for cheating on him. He would say that back then then later proceed to call me names and tell me how I betrayed our kids and my family (parents, siblings), my soldiers, everyone. Told me what a terrible mother and person I was. But he says now that I’m a good mother, etc because I still feel the effects because I never dealt with it I just let him go through his rage. I didn’t realize how bad it has destroyed me, but when I tell him that he just says what I did destroyed him. 

While it was obviously not a good decision to cheat on your husband, the fact that you did does not give him the right to verbally abuse you. He had the right to divorce you, not to stay and abuse you. Unfortunately, you are both caught in a cycle of blame and abuse. Both hurt, both hurting each other. It needs to stop - if not for yourself, for your children. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Okgal96 said:

I didn’t realize how bad it has destroyed me, but when I tell him that he just says what I did destroyed him. 

This is how you know your marriage is over. 

Cheating is unacceptable. No question there. But it does not give him permission to abuse you. He had the choice to end your marriage and instead he felt justified in abusing you for it. 

It is not right. 

[Okgal96]

On 6/24/2021 at 11:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is how you know your marriage is over. 

Cheating is unacceptable. No question there. But it does not give him permission to abuse you. He had the choice to end your marriage and instead he felt justified in abusing you for it. 

It is not right. 

He doesn’t anymore but I’m having a hard time moving on and forward. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself and forgiving him. He says he wants to be married but has refused to go to individual counseling which is the one thing I told him he needed to do, I go to IC, but then he turns around and says he knows I want a divorce but he is the one who hasn’t gone to counseling and he’s the only one who ever mentions it. He says I can talk through my issues with him, I’ve only started talking about it with him because I didn’t think I was the one in the position to complain, I ask him questions about why he chose to stay and abuse/punish me instead of leaving but all he says was he was in a bad place. I say, “well, your bad place has destroyed me and I’m trying to get back to something “ his answer is always “you destroyed me”. I’m angry that I let him take his anger out on me relentlessly and I can’t even talk to him about how it made me feel without him bringing up what I did and how I destroyed him but he says he forgives me and wants to be with me. We’ve been on for a long time, but now that I’m about to retire from the military I feel like nothing good has come from my career or life because my cheating overshadows everything else. H tries to reassure me that I’m not that but it only ever comes up when I mention it, and it’s usually preceded by a sigh and a tone of voice like he’s tired of hearing it. Well, I’m sorry but that’s how I felt when it happened and he just reinforced that feeling for years afterwards. He has only ever apologized when we talk about it, has never been the one to come to me and acknowledge what he’s done to me and apologize; it’s only after I say something.

I wish I had had the strength to leave back then because I definitely don’t have it in me now

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't really know what to tell you, OP. 

Your marriage is in the toilet. He refuses to meet you half-way and go to counselling together, more than likely because he does not want to be held responsible for his abuse. I don't see how this can ever get better when he doesn't really want it to. 

I'm sorry. I think you have a difficult choice: stay married with the understanding that it likely won't get better, or do the hard thing of separating. You say you don't have it in you to leave him, but do you have it in you to continue to suffer in an unhappy and demoralizing marriage? 

[Datergirl]

I agree with the other posters. You cheating does not give him the right to torture you with years of abuse. 

My god, you've got to the point of a suicide attempt because of it. Life doesn't have to be like this. Yes you made a mistake but you do not deserve a lifetime of punishment because of it. 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? I think you have no other option left but to get divorced. You've tried everything else, it's time to accept moving on without this torment. 

[spiderowl]

He says he has forgiven you, OP, but he hasn't - he keeps dragging it up when you confront him about the way he has abused you since.

You are not happy with him.

Why do you still feel guilty about cheating?  It's not a good thing to do but it is a long time in the past and I doubt he was perfect.

I think he has learned enough from what counselling he has had to try to appease you, but fundamentally he is still blaming you and you are still angry at the way he has treated you (understandably).

He won't go to counselling so the situation you are in is unlikely to improve.  Do you want to continue with it like this?  If not, you will need to find a way out.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/24/2021 at 11:33 AM, Okgal96 said:

Long term depression and guilt 

Try to address and focus on this. See a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

You may have it backwards. Perhaps your depression keeps you trapped in this abusive relationship rather than the other way around.