Reconciliation with in laws

[Snakesalive]

I’m not sure which forum fits this but I’ll start here  

I had an affair which I deeply regret. My husband and I have recently reconciled and we have been in counselling separately and as a couple and are now in a great place .  

My husband was understandably deeply hurt by my betrayal and leant heavily on his family -I have not spoken with any of them since October last year. My husband wants me to make peace with his mum because understandably he feels torn -our daughter is getting married soon so it’s another reason for me to try and re build some kind of relationship with my mother in law. 
 

my relationship with her was never the best -my husband over shared a lot about our relationship and always has and this was a source of tension. He recognises this through the counselling and we’ve discussed it a lot. 
 

I am open to meeting with her with my husband at the meeting I am very nervous and think it could put pressure on my husband to step in if things get tense and open up a lot of old wounds setting our recovery back . 
She is very direct and protective of him and has always found it hard to accept he is a grown man able to make his own decisions. She has already intimated to him she wants me to apologise to her for the stress I have caused her with the break up and she wants me to promise her it won’t happy again.she also wants to know why I had the affair.  I understand this to a point however I  am married to my husband and  my promise and commitment is to him and I feel some of her questions are inappropriate to answer . 
my absolute priority is my husband and adult children but I think she feels entitled to an apology for hurting him and her . She’s very dramatic and has already told my children she had PTSD as a result of the upset caused by my affair. My relationship with my adult children is improving after a lot of hard work and I am committed to that but her comments to them don’t help.

Id  appreciate your thoughts on how to handle this and experience from anyone who has been in this place . 
 

 

Edited June 24, 2021 by Snakesalive
Spelling

[stillafool]

Frankly if it were my mother in law I would woman up and meet her on my own.  Since we both are grown women I would tell her the reason I had the affair and apologize for hurting her son and make it clear I never plan to do anything like that again.  I would tell her I'm sorry my life has caused her stress but we've worked it out.  If she starts getting dramatic or loud after that I would just get up and leave.  With that action at least you tried.  If it's important to your husband that you talk to her I think you should do it.

[MsJayne]

I'm never one to defend affairs, but.......I fail to see why his mother must be kept in the loop of your marriage.  Your husband should never have been discussing any of your marital problems with his mother in the first place. That kind of disloyalty can cause a partner to resent you that much that they might go and have an affair simply because the disloyalty and back-stabbing have left them feeling so lonely. If he had such issues with you that he needed to talk to someone he should have suggested counselling, not gone running to his mummy bleating about you. There's no way in Hell I would apologise to such a meddling, self-righteous mother-in-law. The only person who you owe apologies to is your husband, and he needs apologise to you for crying to his mummy.  It's for him to grow a spine and tell her you don't owe her any apology. If she got all stressed and upset because her sons marriage was in disarray, it's his fault for burdening her with it. OK, you were the villain because you had the affair, but I think if you go apologising to this meddler you'll be sorry in the long run. She's making your reconciliation about her, and she needs to be told exactly where to get off, and your husband, (who caused this scenario by dragging her into it) has to be the one to tell her. 

Also, the PTSD thing.......sorry, but she sounds like a bit of a headcase. No mentally sound person gets that worked up about someone else's marriage troubles, and they certainly don't badmouth you to your children. She needs to apologise to you for doing that. I'd actually be grateful to have her out of my life, regardless of upcoming weddings or family functions. She's a troublemaker. 

Edited June 25, 2021 by MsJayne

[DKT3]

Just a few months ago you were pining away for your AP and now you say you are reconciled and doing great?  

With that information,  I would bet his mother doesn't want an apology but a piece of your hide.

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Just a few months ago you were pining away for your AP and now you say you are reconciled and doing great?  

With that information,  I would bet his mother doesn't want an apology but a piece of your hide.

 

3 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Just a few months ago you were pining away for your AP and now you say you are reconciled and doing great?  

With that information,  I would bet his mother doesn't want an apology but a piece of your hide.

Respectfully I think your comments smack of someone projecting their own hurt and anger about a situation  on others -just my opinion

The affair happened -it was wrong , I was wrong for getting involved with someone instead of working it through with my husband . We have been separated  and I went through all the feelings many other OW do about their affair partner  
We are doing great - it’s sad that you find this hard to believe but it’s true -he believed I deserved a second chance -he really believes it , there is no simmering bitterness. 

I am open to meeting the mother in law but I won’t be a verbal punch bag but will calmly apologise and move on . 
 

 

[Snakesalive]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'm never one to defend affairs, but.......I fail to see why his mother must be kept in the loop of your marriage.  Your husband should never have been discussing any of your marital problems with his mother in the first place. That kind of disloyalty can cause a partner to resent you that much that they might go and have an affair simply because the disloyalty and back-stabbing have left them feeling so lonely. If he had such issues with you that he needed to talk to someone he should have suggested counselling, not gone running to his mummy bleating about you. There's no way in Hell I would apologise to such a meddling, self-righteous mother-in-law. The only person who you owe apologies to is your husband, and he needs apologise to you for crying to his mummy.  It's for him to grow a spine and tell her you don't owe her any apology. If she got all stressed and upset because her sons marriage was in disarray, it's his fault for burdening her with it. OK, you were the villain because you had the affair, but I think if you go apologising to this meddler you'll be sorry in the long run. She's making your reconciliation about her, and she needs to be told exactly where to get off, and your husband, (who caused this scenario by dragging her into it) has to be the one to tell her. 

Also, the PTSD thing.......sorry, but she sounds like a bit of a headcase. No mentally sound person gets that worked up about someone else's marriage troubles, and they certainly don't badmouth you to your children. She needs to apologise to you for doing that. I'd actually be grateful to have her out of my life, regardless of upcoming weddings or family functions. She's a troublemaker. 

Thanks for your comments @MsJayne  it’s a good point that she’s making the reconciliation about her . My husband has told her gently to back off and to be honest I think by talking to our children in the way she has is a desperate attempt to keep the spotlight on her . She is lonely and wants attention-she got more of it from my husband when we were separated and apart  from any other reason she resents me from taking this away from her I get it -to a degree 

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

 

Respectfully I think your comments smack of someone projecting their own hurt and anger about a situation  on others -just my opinion

The affair happened -it was wrong , I was wrong for getting involved with someone instead of working it through with my husband . We have been separated  and I went through all the feelings many other OW do about their affair partner  
We are doing great - it’s sad that you find this hard to believe but it’s true -he believed I deserved a second chance -he really believes it , there is no simmering bitterness. 

I am open to meeting the mother in law but I won’t be a verbal punch bag but will calmly apologise and move on . 
 

 

Your opinion is incorrect. 

Its hard to believe because I read your thread and there was no sign of you being ready to reconcile.  You say you separated but really you left to be with the AP who decided to stay with his wife. Now just 50 or so days later you are reconciled and doing great?

I bring this up because you are setting yourself up to fail. Husband thinking you deserve a second chance is only that,  it doesn't mean its over or will be easy. If apologising to his mother seem difficult,  you will need to toughen up big time.

His mother will more likely from now forward be you enemy,  and will likely do everything in her power to separate you from her son.

[Snakesalive]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

.  With that action at least you tried.  If it's important to your husband that yo

I think this is fundamentally it , it is important to him that at least I try so I will .  Both  my husband and I are firm  about the boundaries in terms of what we share with her and I’ll be sticking to these when we meet . Unfortunately she has a habit of believing she has a right to know everything and I mean everything about what’s going on in his life so I think this may take a while for her to come to terms with . 

[Snakesalive]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Now just 50 or so days later

I need to correct you here  in at least 2 counts

1-I split up with my husband last year . 

2 my AP hasn’t gone back to his wife 

3 just because my posts didn’t reflect any “signs” of reconciliation doesn’t mean we weren’t considering it 

[Snakesalive]

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

will likely do everything in her power to separate you from her s

That’s sad that someone who loves their son would want to see him unhappy -as he would be if we split up ( not going to happen after all the work we e put in -and continue to put in every day) .

[Snakesalive]

10 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

apologising to his mother seem difficult,  you will need to toughen up big time

Of course it will be difficult but that doesn’t mean I will avoid it -I won’t . 

[Snakesalive]

12 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

  it doesn't mean its over or will be easy. If a

Of course it won’t be easy nothing worth having ever is . This experience is part of our life -our past life and of course it will always be there but as something we have learnt and will continue to grow from . I’m sorry if you find that hard to believe and I’m sure you will think I’m wrong or underestimate the challenge maybe based on your own experience and that’s fine . My experience is mine and yours is yours and the way we deal with them is individual too . 
 

 

[DKT3]

3 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

That’s sad that someone who loves their son would want to see him unhappy -as he would be if we split up ( not going to happen after all the work we e put in -and continue to put in every day) .

She sees you as a bad person for him, surely you have to understand that,  she wants the best for him its just not you.

I'm saying about 50 days ago you were still proclaiming you love and devotion for your AP.  It comes off delusional to say you are now reconciled and doing great. 

I believe you need to get more realistic about your situation,  the fact that you believe his mother wants to break you two up is because she wants him unhappy is very telling about your mindset and willingness to both take responsibility for your actions and the impact those actions had on the people in your life.

[Snakesalive]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

She sees you as a bad person for him, surely you have to understand that,  she wants the best for him its just not you.

I'm saying about 50 days ago you were still proclaiming you love and devotion for your AP.  It comes off delusional to say you are now reconciled and doing great. 

I believe you need to get more realistic about your situation,  the fact that you believe his mother wants to break you two up is because she wants him unhappy is very telling about your mindset and willingness to both take responsibility for your actions and the impact those actions had on the people in your life.

 

I have totally taken responsibility for my actions -the people who matter to me know that . I understand the impact my actions had -again the people who know me and matter to me know that . Delusional? Nope the reason I say we’re doing great is based on my reality-what I see and feel with my husband that you don’t and can’t because you only see a snapshot . 
 

 

[Blind-Sided]

This is a tough one... and everyone is different.  But the in-laws may never truly forgive you.  My Mother is a sweet lady, who sees the best in everyone.  My brother's exW cheated on him long ago. They divorced 25 years ago.  My brother wound up rising his son because his exW was useless, and wanted to be his friend, and not his mother.  Because his son lived here... my bro's exW will come here to visit.  TO this day... my mother is upset... but she will put on a happy face for the family, and for her grandson. 

I know that almost has nothing to do with this... but be prepared to not really be forgiven if you talk to your mother-in-law. 

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

This is a tough one... and everyone is different.  But the in-laws may never truly forgive you.  My Mother is a sweet lady, who sees the best in everyone.  My brother's exW cheated on him long ago. They divorced 25 years ago.  My brother wound up rising his son because his exW was useless, and wanted to be his friend, and not his mother.  Because his son lived here... my bro's exW will come here to visit.  TO this day... my mother is upset... but she will put on a happy face for the family, and for her grandson. 

I know that almost has nothing to do with this... but be prepared to not really be forgiven if you talk to your mother-in-law. 

It’s always interesting to hear other people experiences so thank you for taking the time to share.   I think you’re right forgiveness is one thing but to forget is another and I don’t think in this case either will genuinely happen . That said at least by showing her remorse I can walk away knowing I did ”the right thing” whether she chooses to accept my apology is out of my control and I’ve learnt not to worry a out those things -wasted energy and will only set back our recovery . 

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, MsJayne said:

our husband should never have been discussing any of your marital problems with his mother in the first place.

This is where the advice to broadcast far and wide, falls down, the BS may decide to forgive ad forget but all those told may not.
The spouse who has decided to reconcile, benefits from forgiving and forgetting, no-one else does.
They then see the cheating person in a far different light and their loyalty will be to their betrayed friend/family member/acquaintance/colleague etc..
The BS has then to try to persuade these disillusioned people, to accept the WS back into the fold.
So not only has the BS been betrayed, they are then judged to be a fool and weak by their friends and family, for forgiving the WS.
Sometimes it will split families in two...
 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This is where the advice to broadcast far and wide, falls down, the BS may decide to forgive ad forget but all those told may not.
The spouse who has decided to reconcile, benefits from forgiving and forgetting, no-one else does.
They then see the cheating person in a far different light and their loyalty will be to their betrayed friend/family member/acquaintance/colleague etc..
The BS has then to try to persuade these disillusioned people, to accept the WS back into the fold.
So not only has the BS been betrayed, they are then judged to be a fool and weak by their friends and family, for forgiving the WS.
Sometimes it will split families in two...
 

All very true and anyone in an affair can never imagine the try scale of the potential impact when we enter into the deception. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/24/2021 at 4:19 AM, Snakesalive said:

She’s very dramatic

Hmm. And now she has a close-to-home and no doubt rather intense drama to milk.

Milk it she will most likely. I suspect your current efforts will be met with MORE drama, not the reduction that is hoped for.

I'd say you're wasting your time at the moment. She will just use your efforts to create more gossip, etc.  IMO give her a while (like a year or two) to let it get old. Then when you "reconcile" with her, there will be another drama flare-up. But because the whole thing is old hat it will be less of one and hopefully then will be allowed to fade.

Getting your husband to acknowledge/understand this is the real challenge I think.

As noted above, there are also those people who simply can't/don't get past it (and any need for "generating drama" is really unrelated to that). If she's one of those, then you're going to be struck with at least mild negativity henceforth. IF that's the case, there isn't much you can do.

[FMW]

Until I decided to divorce I never told my parents about my husband's infidelities.  I knew there would be no way they would ever accept him again, I think that's normal for a parent- child relationship.  Even afterwards I didn't engage in lengthy conversations with them about our issues and made it clear I didn't want them to talk badly about him.

It's unfortunate your husband didn't feel he could seek support from another source.  Whether she's an attention seeker or not, your relationship with her will not likely ever be good.

In your position I'm not sure how willing I would be to get into the weeds with her.  I doubt any good is to be had from it, she'll likely just use it to vent her negative feelings about you without reaching any type of understanding or forgiveness.

[elaine567]

I think all you can do is be the best wife you can be going forward so she will have no further ammunition to throw at you.
I don't think you can solve this with words at the moment.
You hurt her son deeply and that is often seen as a heinous crime...

In time, if her son is happy in his relationship with you, then that may filter through to her.
If she is going to go on a moral crusade you may never win her over. the best then you can hope for, is civility.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like she would be a witch weather you cheated or not. If it were not this, it would be something else.

Your husband seems like a passive mama's boy. Why is mommy in on all the sordid details, anyway?

Divorce him.

Edited June 25, 2021 by Wiseman2