Friend is getting extremely pushy

[LotusAvx]

Hi, here is some background information on our relationship: friends since age 10 to about 22 years old. Lost touch for a few years when she got in a serious relationship and had a child. We stayed in touch a little bit, but ultimately drifted apart. The past few months, we started hanging out more regularly, maybe a couple times a month. We live quite far so that is why we only get together once in a while. 

She has always been pushy since we were children and always seems to need to have people around, where I am very much an introvert and need to recharge after social gatherings, even after work.

Since having her child who is now two, she has become increasingly pushy. She asks me to hangout at least 5 times a week (2 days she works) and I work 5-6 days a week at quite a mentally taxing job. I have gotten much better with setting boundaries with people as I get older and not feeling bad about saying "no", but she asks me SO much to come over that it feels like I am saying no every time. I try to tell her that I have a busy life to with work and she tells me that it can't be anymore busy than hers with her two year old. It is getting extremely frustrating to have to explain to her why I can't always come over, and I feel like I am a bad friend. We are definitely not as close as we used to be, but I still want to be able to maintain some sort of friendship.

I used to be a heavy people pleaser, and always having trouble saying no and setting boundaries. Now approaching my late 20's, it has gotten a lot easier to set clear boundaries with people. Part of me still doubts myself and seems to think that I am wrong for telling her no and having boundaries and that makes me terrible friend which causes feelings of guilt which cause depression. 

Here is how our conversation went today (today being the 4th time she has asked me to come over this week.)

Her: "Hey, come over for a swim and some drinks after work"

Me: "I have a busy day, I am going to relax after work and stay in"

Her: "Come over whenever you're free, I will stop bugging you, just message me when you want to come by."

Me: "Okay, thanks"

Her: "Are you doing anything tonight?"

Me: "Yes, relaxing after work and doing some chores."

Her: "I'm going to make dinner and the rain is going to stop, come by, what time are you done?"

Me: "I am done at 5, but I am relaxing tonight at home."

She goes on to tell me how 2 people cancelled plans with her due to the weather and sends me photos of what she is cooking and tells me to "come over for dinner."

 

I really don't know what to do about this, I don't want to be a bad friend, and I feel terrible for always saying no, but she asks me everyday and NEVER plans anything in advance, so of course I am saying no a lot. It is getting extremely annoying to the point where I want to reach out to her boyfriend and tell him to talk to her because I am clearly not getting through. Her boyfriend has had to tell her before to stop bothering people so much so that is my reasoning for reaching out. Does it sound like I need to set even stronger boundaries? And am I in the wrong for feeling this way?

Edited June 25, 2021 by LotusAvx

[stillafool]

I have the same problem with friends and family.  I just blew up on my brother the other day because he keeps bothering me about getting together and I want to do my own thing.  You can't please everybody and somebody is always going to end up unhappy so why should it be you.   I have long time friends where we may not see each other for months on end but when we get together we pick up right where we left off.  I've realized those are the types of friends I really value.   No you are not wrong feeling the way you do.

[Wiseman2]

Pull way back. Be busy. Very busy. Too busy. Always busy.

Just fade into the distance more. Stop entertaining and babysitting her this much.

Stop texting this much. Always end the situation with "someone's at the door", "something's on the stove", whatever, "gotta go".

It's about boundaries. You don't need to have a talk or fix or change her. Just pace yourself better.

Edited June 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

She's lonely.   

Next time you do get together try introducing her to other people so she has a wider selection of people to glom onto. 

[ShyViolet]

You are still being a bit of a people pleaser, and it's time for you to be more blunt with her.  Instead of simply saying "no" to each individual time that she asks you to come over, it's time for you to say something to her about the overall situation in general.  You need to very bluntly tell her that you are not going to be able to come over as often as she wants you to, that you are busy and exhausted from work and that you need your downtime.  Stop being so worried about what she will think, and stop feeling bad for setting boundaries with her!!  Seriously!  I don't think the boundaries you have set with her are firm enough, and I don't think you have been clear enough with her.  Stop making "excuses" for why you are not coming over, and tell her that you CANNOT come over as often as she wants you to, because you just can't.  She is being unreasonable and asking way too much of you.  And if she doesn't respect that, then it's time to rethink this friendship.

[MsJayne]

She's needy. So needy that she doesn't hear other people when they tell her they want space, and she sounds overbearing too. Here's how your conversation today should have gone; 

Her: "Hey, come over for a swim and some drinks after work"

Me: "I have a busy day, I am going to relax after work and stay in"

Her: "OK, maybe we can catch up later in the week. Don't work too hard."

Me: "OK speak soon, bye."

Her: "OK, bye." 

Like someone above said, she needs to meet up with other young mums who are in the same situation, not be pestering friends with full-time jobs who have a right to their unwinding time. Telling you that other people have cancelled on her is just manipulative, it's not your problem. 

[spiderowl]

If her boyfriend has had to have words with her before about pestering people, then that says it all!  She is someone who needs a lot of company but, like everyone else, she cannot expect a lot of company.

I do think you need to clarify your boundaries more, in the sense of telling her you are an introvert and need more time alone than she does.  You can tell her you won't be coming over every day and that you need more time to plan when you are to come over.

If she does not take this in and persists, well you know she's not really your friend as she's only taking her own needs into consideration.

Some people are just overbearing and one ends up fending them off.  I have a friend I talk to regularly on the phone, who can be pretty overbearing, but I do have to be firm with him.  Some people just need to be told firmly and clearly where the boundary is, otherwise they keep on pushing.  Don't blame yourself for HER behaviour.