Alone time, splitting of chores, and looking at stay-at-home mom duties as a 'job'

[Fresh-craft]

My girlfriend and I are on pretty bad terms, and have been struggling for some time.  We have a 4year old daughter together.  I have been wrestling for some time with the idea that I'm being treated so poorly, and that this attitude in my partner is so deep-rooted that maybe the only solution is to split. I really don't like that idea though, since I love having as much time as possible with my daughter, and I want to do everything I can to preserve (or try and create) a happy family household.  

I feel a deep pain and sadness due to the fact that I feel like my girlfriend doesn't respect me like she should.  She's a recovering alcoholic, and I would say that she's in the 'dry drunk' phase (it's been under 5 years since going sober).  There has been a massive shift in her attitude since this time.  What used to be more of an inward sort of self-destruction on her part with all the drinking became, I feel, almost fully directed at me as a way of sort of 'blaming' me for all of her bad feelings.  

There are so many aspects I could go into, but I wanted to ask the community's opinion on her characterization of what is equal work or contribution towards raising our child and to the household.  Another important piece of background context is that she has earned money primarily (for many years) by way of being a professional dominatrix.  That's a can of worms in itself, but part of what that means is that she works very few hours for a relative lot of money.  And in fact she has only very briefly in her whole life (she's around 45yo) even had a full-time job.  

When we had our daughter, she decided she could use that flexibility to handle most of the parenting duties since I have a 9-5, M-F job.  How that has panned out nearly 4 years later is that she works (and is gone from the house) for the entire day on Saturday meeting clients.  She also works in the evenings pretty much every weekday on emails and content media stuff.  I would say that's about a cumulative 18-20 hours per week.  She doesn't really earn very much though - I make over $100k, but she probably only pulls in like $30-40k, except that it's all CASH, and she pays no taxes on it.  Of course she gets up with our child every morning since I go to work.  I put her down to bed almost every night except for 2 nights of the week.  I recently just got 'allowed' that 2nd night from her as I complained that I needed some extra time for myself in the week to work on my other pursuits (or just to have time for whatever - alone time if needed!).  The other night I normally go to the gym for a few hours.  

So here's what's happening today:  she approached me yesterday telling me she wants me to put our daughter down all 7 nights now, saying because it's not fair that she gets up with her every day and I don't.  Here's what that means my week will look like:  M-F get up, go to work, come home around 6pm.  Normally I do almost all the cooking, for some reason she just liked to cook many times just for our daughter.  We normally spend this time together, but I am busy cooking, and oftentimes I end up cleaning the dishes too.  Instead of on Tuesdays (free night #1), when we're done with all that around 9pm, I would then spend another 1-1.5 hours putting her to bed.  It will be around 11pm and I'll get 1 tired and exhausted hour to work on my business ideas or read (which after all that in the day, I pretty much don't have energy for it when it's already that late).  Right now, after cooking and cleaning, I at least get from like 9pm to roughly midnight (if I want to stay up late) and I still have some energy to read and write, etc.  On Thursdays (free night #2), I would normally go to the gym right after dinner (9pm) and possibly even do a little bit of studying up just after work finishes (since I'm still working from home temporarily).  But she wants to take that time away so I'll have to wait til our daughter falls asleep and then go to the gym, which honestly gets me back home way too late (like almost 1am).  I have to get up around 7:30am again to grind the next morning.  Also, I only go out visit friends roughly twice a month on either Friday or Saturday, and that's almost always AFTER our kid is asleep, since she b****es if I leave her to do any of that night's work on her own.  Conversely, she rarely ever seems to want to go out and hang with her own friends.  When she does, I never offer the slightest amount of resistance.  In fact, I want her to get away and have some experiences.  

Before I got Free night #1 'gifted' to me, I was really starting to feel like I was going a bit crazy.  My day felt like work, commute, chores/cook, lengthly bedtime routine, then rush to get myself to bed with no time to even wind down (which I learned makes it pretty hard to fall asleep efficiently).  I was becoming really angry and irritable and sadly even accidentally taking it out on my daughter a bit I feel like.  Just awful. So now she wants to take that away from me too and go back to that routine.  

One of her main arguments in all this is that basically she "never gets a break", "it's so exhausting" watching our child every day, etc.  She sort of talks about me going to work as if it's some kind of a vacation I go off to 5 days a week.  Remember, she doesn't really even know what full time work is really.  She hasn't been humbled by like 25 years of full-time grind like me.  She even said once that my working and earning money doesn't "count" towards a household contribution!  Also, I pay for roughly 75-80% of all ongoing household expenses, including rent, and NOT including the car which I pay 100% of.  So the burden and stress of having to come up with a bunch of money for her should be low.  She never struggles to pay her portion, and even puts away a little money into savings, even during the pandemic.  She does most of the sweeping and laundry and vacuuming, which I would consider the frequent but very easy chores.  She also picks up the majority of the groceries.  And I do all the harder, but less frequent yet time-consuming chores.  I take out all the garbage, clean the toilet, clean the bath/shower, fix everything, deep clean stuff, clean the fan blades, you name it.  I'm also the only one who ever mops anything.  She also handles zero of the finances, and like I said rarely cooks for me.  We go on several vacation trips a year, and I usually pay for ALL of those expenses.  

Now that I'm work from home for over 15 months, I can see what her and my daughter do every day.  Yes, she's great about teaching our daughter things, arts and crafts, playing games, etc.  I would call her a great mother in that regard.  She also can sit on the computer and do whatever, whenever she wants, and I see her on it a good amount whenever I come out of the room to go the bathroom or whatever.  She has several new hobbies, like tending plants, etc.  She can and does drive our daughter to a variety of activities nearly every day, or go to parks when it's nice.  God, I would sure love to trade places with her!  Why does she make it seem like such a burden??  I would seriously love to be spending all that quality time watching our daughter grow up.  I should think she should feel lucky or at least have a slight bit of gratitude for the part I play in making a lot of that possible for her.  But yet, somehow I'm the bad guy.  I feel like she thinks I play a commodity role or something.  Like she thinks she could easily replace me with some other guy, i don't know.  In her head, it seems like she thinks we should somehow be doing exact equal portions of parenting, when clearly that's not really possible.  And here's another fact:  I have put away several thousand dollars this year (again) in my dependent care account at work for the sole purpose of having someone come in several times a week so she could be free to work or whatever uninterrupted.  She'll be super lazy about finding a sitter though.  She'll have one for awhile but then as soon as that one becomes unavailable, she takes forEVER doing the work of replacing that one.  Months.  Over and over again  Like, honestly, I don't know what more I can do to alleviate her 'sufferings' here.  

What do you think?  Do I deserve some alone time of my own?  Is being a part time stay-at-home mom the same as grinding a 9 to 5?  I confided in my mom a little bit about this and she (who raised 3 children of her own) said, "honey, raising kids is not the same as a job".  

[basil67]

Hi Fresh-craft, the thing which stands out to me in all of this is that your daughter's schedule is all wrong.   And when the schedule is fixed, a lot of other things would fall into place.   Of course,  fixing the schedule would indeed involve some teamwork.  

First, the schedule: Your daughter should be having more sleep.  10-13 hours at night.   So for a 7:30am wake up, she should be going to be around 7:30pm.   The good news is that to make this happen, there must be a better division of chores.   While one cooks, the other does the bed routine.   Your wife needs to step up at night to make this happen.   My kids are grown now, but I do remember the relief of handing them over to hubby when he got in during the evening.  But I'd go to the relative sanctuary of the kitchen and keep things moving.   This would work for you, yes?   Or you cook and she does the bedtime.  

Ideas:

Your wife could have your daughter bathed and in her PJs before you come home at 6pm.   And keep the activities for her relaxing (as opposed to energetic or exciting) so that she's bed ready.   One of you sitting to read with her should take half an hour tops, then lights out.  Sleep.    Though this could be easier said than done after a long time going to bed so late.

Cooking:  The one not doing the bedtime routine cooks dinner.    If your wife doesn't want to be cooking in the evening, she could put on the slow cooker in the morning.  Cook extra, and freeze meals and then there will be food for other nights.   Or a simple steak and salad meal.  A stir fry using pre-cut veges from the supermarket, a bit of meat/tofu and packaged sauce.  A big slab of lasagne will freeze into 3 meals.  Pick up a roast chicken once a week and half the meal is already done, with leftovers.  The pre-prepped supermarket rice isn't very nice, but I just found techniques for freezing your own cooked rice in packages.  Speaking of rice, get a rice cooker - you won't know yourself.  A basic one is super cheap and a huge time saver.

 

After dinner, both of you get in and clean up together.  Yes, it's a chore, but you can also chat and have a nice time together.

If the meal is being cooked from scratch, there's no reason it can't be done and dusted by 8pm.   Earlier, if it's something from the freezer or half made. 

This would then free both of you up for the night, every night.

Yes, your wife will not like this.  But there must be teamwork from your wife until the day is done.   And the ultimate goal being a better routine for your daughter.   I'd go to a marriage counsellor if you need to.  

 

[BaileyB]

I hold not agree more with basil. A preschool child needs more sleep and bedtime should be 7:30-8:00 at the latest. This will give you both more time in the evening. I also think you need to renegotiate the household chores. I have friends who have been stay at home mom’s and/or worked part time, and they do most of the housework. They do need a break from the kids at night which is where you can step in and everyone gets some time with an early bedtime!  I don’t think you are wrong to ask for more help with the household chores - particularly if she wants a break from childcare in the evening. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

You both sound miserable. Bedtimes, money, who does the dishes,etc is not going to fix that.

You resent her. You're just coasting along in this living arrangement because it easier than moving out.

Even if you separate from your GF, you'll still have to pay child support.

Stop bickering about bedtime. Stop nitpicking about who does more, who does what, who makes more,etc.

Look up Al-Anon. It's for people dealing with  drunks wet or dry.

You need some support and info.

With your salary why aren't you getting nannies, babysitters, housekeeping services etc?.

You both work, albeit your GF has odd hours and a weird job.

 

[introverted1]

Basil nailed it.

Fixing your daughter's routine will make life better for everyone, including your daughter.

[Fresh-craft]

@basil67- thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.  First, on the sleep duration thing - our kid seems to sleep, at this point, 9.5 hours no matter what.  She's very high-energy.  She's actually falling asleep at 10pm (I know because I have to wait in her room until she passes out, if not she tries to get up and come out of the room), and wakes naturally at 7:30.  If the times shift, she still sleeps 9.5 hours.  She has travelled to different time zones recently and still does the same thing.  Luckily, this will be a forced issue come September as she'll be starting school for the first time and have to wake up around 6 or 6:30am.  So I guess we will see what happens then.  

I'm glad you agree that if she's not going to put her to bed, at least handle the cooking.  It's precisely the fact that I'm doing all that and then straight into the bedtime duties that pushes me over the top.  I can't even have that quality time relaxing, playing, and enjoying time with my child at any point if I'm just slaving through those routines every day.  I guess we will see if school alleviates anything.

@Wiseman2 -  only reason I'm even mentioning money and all that is to establish that I'm filling my duties as the breadwinner, and also attempting to make things more fair by splitting out costs like I do.  Sure, I earn enough that she really doesn't have to work at all if she didn't want to.  But she wants to continue her 'career' and I respect that, but if she's going to work, she should also contribute some money to the household, it's only fair.  The comment about nannies and babysitters - you may have missed my comments at the end about how I have all this pre-tax money set aside for sitting each year and she only barely utilizes it.  Drives me nuts.  

Al-Anon.  Yes, I know about this.  I went to about 3 meetings with her.  I thought it was very weird, kind of cult like.  The people who were talking were up were up there like grieving and talking about how much their lives suck to deal with their alcoholic partners, as if they did something wrong themselves.  Saying like "this week was extra terrible.  My partner did x,y,z.  It made me feel so small and helpless."  Then they start crying.  Like, at some point, you just have to leave them, you know?  To be going through that kind of deep suffering week after week?  It was truly crazy, you'd have to see it to believe it.  And I guess that's the crossroads I'm at - I'm trying to determine if her and I can ever have a healthy dynamic, or if she just is gonna need to deal with this beast as a single person, because it's seeming more and more that she's not truly capable of being the other half to someone's relationship.  

 

[Fresh-craft]

Has anyone gone through a divorce with a young child?  My daughter just turned 4yo.  I'm (39m) in a relationship with the mother (45yo), who is a recovering alcoholic/'dry drunk'.  I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  My feeling is that my partner may not try and fight a 50/50 split arrangement of custody, but even that still sounds awful to me.  It's twisting my guts and torturing me to think of my precious daughter whom I love to death spending half her time away from me....and worse, eventually with some step-dad guy to influence her life.  

I feel like I'm in denial that this relationship just isn't working - surely I'm suffering quite a bit to remain in it.  But I can't bear to imagine going through trying to explain to my daughter that daddy is going to live somewhere else, all those questions...she's so young and innocent.  It's killing me.  How do people deal with it?   I mean, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I just basically learn how to accept and somehow deal with the emotional abuse I endure to at least be able to remain with my child.  

[basil67]

Thanks for your response Fresh-craft.  Does your wife know that you're currently at the point of making a stay or go decision?

Bummer for you that your little one won't sleep before 9:30pm.  Have you looked at Supernanny on TV to see how she teaches kids to settle on their own?  Looks like hard work for a short while, then the kid learns the new routine.

What do you mean by "dry drunk phase?"   And was her drinking a way of self medicating any personal issues?   If so, did she do therapy?   Could any of her current issues with mothering be related to being in a bad headspace?    Do you think that post natal depression could have been/is a thing?

Now, to balance things a little after I said she has to pick up more housework, there's a couple of things I want to throw in to your wife's defense - being a stay at home mom is draining, can be incredibly boring and isolating.  I mean, I did it - and I continue to do it because one of our kids has special needs, but it's still really boring.  I suspect you'd enjoy it for a few months and then start to get brain fade too.  

The other thing is that I'm not quite on board with the idea of your wife being grateful for you being able to afford her staying home, but rather, I think it's more being grateful that your child can have full time mom.  This probably seems like word play, but try and run with it.

Does your daughter do any day care or preschool?  Even just one day per week.   I would have gone nuts if I didn't have any break from the kids at all. 

[Wiseman2]

[ ]

Keep in mind, the problem is never about whatever this surface bickering is about. That's why it's going in circles and a moving target.

 

Edited June 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unpleasant/rude

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Fresh-craft said:

Has anyone gone through a divorce with a young child?  My daughter just turned 4yo.  I'm (39m) in a relationship with the mother (45yo), who is a recovering alcoholic/'dry drunk'.  I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  My feeling is that my partner may not try and fight a 50/50 split arrangement of custody, but even that still sounds awful to me.  It's twisting my guts and torturing me to think of my precious daughter whom I love to death spending half her time away from me....and worse, eventually with some step-dad guy to influence her life.  

I feel like I'm in denial that this relationship just isn't working - surely I'm suffering quite a bit to remain in it.  But I can't bear to imagine going through trying to explain to my daughter that daddy is going to live somewhere else, all those questions...she's so young and innocent.  It's killing me.  How do people deal with it?   I mean, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I just basically learn how to accept and somehow deal with the emotional abuse I endure to at least be able to remain with my child.  

Sorry I missed your update - I just saw it.   

If you do divorce, why do you fear that your wife may not fight a 50/50 split of custody.  Surely if the worst comes to worst, 50/50 is the best outcome for all parties?

And a step dad, if well chosen, may be a good influence.  Just as if you find a new long term partner, she will hopefully help provide a nice family unit on your end.  

As per my post above, I'm still interested to hear more about your wife's 'dry drunk' behaviour and any therapy she's had.  Also, whether or not you've done couple's therapy.

 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Fresh-craft said:

Has anyone gone through a divorce with a young child?  My daughter just turned 4yo.  I'm (39m) in a relationship with the mother (45yo), who is a recovering alcoholic/'dry drunk'.  I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  My feeling is that my partner may not try and fight a 50/50 split arrangement of custody, but even that still sounds awful to me.  It's twisting my guts and torturing me to think of my precious daughter whom I love to death spending half her time away from me....and worse, eventually with some step-dad guy to influence her life.  

I feel like I'm in denial that this relationship just isn't working - surely I'm suffering quite a bit to remain in it.  But I can't bear to imagine going through trying to explain to my daughter that daddy is going to live somewhere else, all those questions...she's so young and innocent.  It's killing me.  How do people deal with it?   I mean, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I just basically learn how to accept and somehow deal with the emotional abuse I endure to at least be able to remain with my child.  

Nothing in your description says you are any more hard done by than any woman who has to juggle childcare and working.
Your daughter is young she needs looking after and powering on through is what parents tend to do.
You are giving up on your daughter.
Is free time at the gym or out with your buddies really that important to you?
Having kids means making some sacrifices for their sake..

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Fresh-craft said:

My feeling is that my partner may not try and fight a 50/50 split arrangement of custody, but even that still sounds awful to me.

She would be entitled to 50-50 shared custody, unless there is some reason why she should not have it (a child protection issue). And, the fact that she is a recovering alcoholic is not reason enough to deny her custody. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Fresh-craft said:

I'm (39m) in a relationship with the mother (45yo), who is a recovering alcoholic/'dry drunk'.  I mean, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I just basically learn how to accept and somehow deal with the emotional abuse I endure to at least be able to remain with my child.  

Do you and your GF co-own anything?  Whose house is it? Perhaps one of you can give the other notice and move out.

You will always be the father and the courts decide what the custody, visitation and child support is, depending on your situation. 

It's not something either you or she pick out randomly.

What you can do is consult an attorney about your situation and what custody/child support would look like in your case.

[Els]

On 6/26/2021 at 8:18 AM, Fresh-craft said:

And here's another fact:  I have put away several thousand dollars this year (again) in my dependent care account at work for the sole purpose of having someone come in several times a week so she could be free to work or whatever uninterrupted.  She'll be super lazy about finding a sitter though.  She'll have one for awhile but then as soon as that one becomes unavailable, she takes forEVER doing the work of replacing that one.  Months.  Over and over again  Like, honestly, I don't know what more I can do to alleviate her 'sufferings' here.  

Why don't you look for the sitter? I mean, we could argue all day over whether it "should" be her job to do this or not... but at the end of the day is this really the hill you want to die on?

My other thought is that at $140k combined income you guys are doing way too much by yourselves and killing your relationship along the way. You could hire a regular cleaner, a sitter, AND food catering for less than the cost of a divorce lawyer, which you appear to be considering.

Btw, being a SAHP to a very young child is 110% a full time job. As a person who works full time myself, I absolutely do not envy her.

 

Edited June 27, 2021 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

On 6/25/2021 at 6:18 PM, Fresh-craft said:

I make over $100k, but she probably only pulls in like $30-40k, except that it's all CASH, and she pays no taxes on it. 

Even though you are not married, can you claim your GF as a dependent, since she is working for cash and not declaring it? 

Agree that better time and money management would help.

A CPA could help you with better advice as to what you can deduct from your taxes, such as dependents, etc.

Tax preparation is tax deductible and a good accountant can advise you on better budgeting.

[Starswillshine]

Seems there is a lot of keeping score here which is not something healthy in a relationship. Sometimes one partner will carry a heavier load than the other and vice versa. Resentment and worse contempt has started to build which is hard to recover from. Kids are hard in the early years. But the good thing is it does not last very long. 

I was a SAHM for a long time, and while it is not a difficult job in that anyone can do it, it is a drain. As someone else stated, it is boring and isolating. And its the same thing over and over and over. And then you have some people, like yourself, who think it's just an easy cake walk and you would love to do it yourself. I went back to work at one point because it was so much easier mentally than being a SAHM. 

[Els]

50 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

 And then you have some people, like yourself, who think it's just an easy cake walk and you would love to do it yourself. I went back to work at one point because it was so much easier mentally than being a SAHM. 

The interesting thing is that I don't know any SAHDs or SAHMs with toddlers/infants who will say that it's an "easy cake walk". The only people saying that seem to be people, usually men, who have literally never been the sole full-time carer to an infant or a toddler for even a WEEK, let alone months or years. They'll have maybe "babysat" their own kid, who's usually at least 5 or 6 yo, for a few days while mom is away - that's kind of like saying that being in the military is easy when you joined only during the years that your country was not at war, and you had an office position.

Real SAHDs, the ones who genuinely did do it for years, invariably say the same things as SAHMs: they may have found it fulfilling (or not), but they definitely did not find it "easy".

 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

The only people saying that seem to be people, usually men, who have literally never been the sole full-time carer to an infant or a toddler for even a WEEK, let alone months or years.

Want to talk about alone time? Sheesh, I couldn't even use the restroom alone or take a shower alone. There was ZERO alone time. Naptime, if I could ever manage the kids to sleep at the same time, meant laundry and cleaning. Picking up the toys that I knew I would need to pick up right before my husband got home. And the frustrating times when he wouldn't tell me he was on the way home, and he would walk in with toys everywhere, and I'm a mess. Cleaning after a toddler is like trying to clean the beach of sand. 

[Fresh-craft]

@basil67  @Starswillshine @Elswyth  @Wiseman2- sorry for my delay as it's hard to find time to be alone to write.  I want to make it really clear that I don't think being a SAHM is easy.  I'm very grateful in fact that she's able to be at home and watch the kid.  But it's her bringing these complaints to me.  We're both trying really hard and sacrificing I feel like, but she's coming at me aggressively as if I'm lazy, but I've been going literally from alarm to laying down without a moment of rest every day, just as she has on some days.  Yes, the resentment is growing to an unmanageable level.  I question whether it can be recovered from.  I've been reading a lot about resentment in a relationship the last few days and found some great resources.  Also, we have successfully shifted down the bed time already in the last few days even earlier - to being said and done (out of the room) by 9:30pm which sounds late but it is a big improvement, and it already feels like I have a bit of my life back.  So I think you guys were right on that point.  Also, yes, I have taken it upon myself to find the sitter from start to finish.  Only reason I left her to do that part is that she's a pretty big control freak and I didn't think she'd let me do the picking, but I confronted her and she told me "just do it..." essentially.  

Since I am putting massive effort and constant attention into trying to decide what to do with this relationship last week or so, I feel like I'm making some mental progress.  I'm seeing my part in it and also how I've been reacting to her input more clearly.  There is so much resentment between us both ways, and that will need to be overcome one way or another.   The dry drunk thing means that she is trying to recover from the mental issues that most likely led her to her alcoholism to begin with.  In reality, that means that her mood and treatment of me seems to swing as if on a pendulum.  In fact, it's almost something you can time out to the day.  Roughly 3-4 days she treats me sort of normally, communicates with basic respect, etc., and then switches to 3-4 days after that where she picks some fight with me about literally any made-up thing and then acts all angry and like gives me a sort of half silent treatment and then just flips back.  Over and over and over again.  It's unbearable. She needs to see a therapist to deal with her childhood trauma issues, but at best has only seen one a few times and then stops.  Finds another, a few times, then stops.  Now it is at the point where I can hardly remember the kind-hearted and affectionate person who I used to know.  Post-partum seemed to hit her hard, which spiralled her into a drinking episode which was so dangerous to her and our child (and terrible) that she basically was 'scared sober' and that's when she went into AA, and has been in ever since. Plus we had an intervention at that point.   However, she's a different person to me now.  In the midst of this, I acted out and cheated and was caught.  So I have to own up to that, and there are trust issues now.  We've done lots and lots of talking through this.  We've gone to couples therapy for quite some time to no avail.  I still feel as if she's really kind of not playing fair.  I ask for her to make her needs and/or proposed solutions more clear, to set some expectations for me, something I can understand and work towards.  In return, I continually ask her to stop constantly laying into me, talking to me so dismissively and disrespectfully.  I tell her that her insisting to keep treating me that way cuts off the possibility of any progress.  But she can't seem to do it.  And as for the expectations I asked her to set, she only ever seems to speak in vague sentences, or keeps moving the goal posts on me.  Mostly, she just keeps repeating about "we have to put the work in" (also without really explaining what that means) - and I say how can I begin to work on anything with her when it's just always emotional aggression and animosity coming from her?  

[Fresh-craft]

14 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Want to talk about alone time? Sheesh, I couldn't even use the restroom alone or take a shower alone. There was ZERO alone time. Naptime, if I could ever manage the kids to sleep at the same time, meant laundry and cleaning. Picking up the toys that I knew I would need to pick up right before my husband got home. And the frustrating times when he wouldn't tell me he was on the way home, and he would walk in with toys everywhere, and I'm a mess. Cleaning after a toddler is like trying to clean the beach of sand. 

@Starswillshine OK, but what about after your husband got home?  What happened then?  Who cooked, who cleaned?  What was your routine? 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Fresh-craft
forgot to tag quoted author

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible to simply figure out an amicable co-parenting relationship rather than trying repeatedly and unsuccessfully to force this to work?

You're not married so it's just about who moves out and dividing things up 

 

[Fresh-craft]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible to simply figure out an amicable co-parenting relationship rather than trying repeatedly and unsuccessfully to force this to work?

You're not married so it's just about who moves out and dividing things up 

 

Yes, it’s something I’m stating to look into to see what would likely happen.   You still have to write up an official co-parenting agreement, including child support details, and file that with the court for review and to make it an official court order to protect both parties.  
 

I’m planning to start seeing a therapist shortly here to help me sort out all my feelings about this before pulling the trigger.  I want to make sure all approaches have been taken.  I don’t want to regret the decision. 

[Els]

13 hours ago, Fresh-craft said:

@basil67  @Starswillshine @Elswyth  @Wiseman2 I want to make it really clear that I don't think being a SAHM is easy.  I'm very grateful in fact that she's able to be at home and watch the kid.

 

Except you just wrote something completely different, multiple times:
 

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Remember, she doesn't really even know what full time work is really.  She hasn't been humbled by like 25 years of full-time grind like me.

 

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God, I would sure love to trade places with her!  Why does she make it seem like such a burden??  I would seriously love to be spending all that quality time watching our daughter grow up.  I should think she should feel lucky or at least have a slight bit of gratitude for the part I play in making a lot of that possible for her.  

 

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Like, honestly, I don't know what more I can do to alleviate her 'sufferings' here.  

 

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What do you think? Is being a part time stay-at-home mom the same as grinding a 9 to 5?  I confided in my mom a little bit about this and she (who raised 3 children of her own) said, "honey, raising kids is not the same as a job". 

I dunno, man. On the surface, if you take any one of your written paragraphs by itself without any context, you come across as a wonderfully articulate person, who maybe really is being treated poorly by his "disrespectful" and "ungrateful" partner (with the quoted words being your description of her). But when you take into account all of these contradictions, plus the very dismissive way in which you speak about your partner and her role in your family, PLUS the fact that you mentioned cheating while she was dealing with postpartum depression caused by birthing your child... it makes me feel like there's something huge and ugly beneath the surface that we're not seeing.

I guess you could leave. Perhaps this relationship really is beyond salvaging and that is the kindest thing for both of you. On the other hand, perhaps some introspection into your role in all of this could be beneficial, regardless of whether or not you leave.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Elswyth

[clia]

Honestly, it doesn't seem like that uneven of a split to me when you lay it out:

She:  Takes care of the kid from 7:30 a.m. when the kid wakes up until 6 p.m. when dad gets home.  Then she works weekday evenings and all day on Saturday.  She does the grocery shopping, daily tasks like vacuuming, sweeping, laundry.

Dad:  Gets up at 7:30 a.m., works until 6 p.m.  Cooks dinner and puts the kid to bed each night.  I assume watches the kid when mom is at work on Saturday.  Takes care of finances, mops, takes out garbage (1x a week), cleans the bathroom (1x a week?), fixes things, deep cleans (2x a year?).  

What's happening on Sundays?

I mean, welcome to adulting.  There are some very basic things you can do to give yourselves -- both of you -- some free time.  Hire a babysitter one or two nights a week or on Saturday for a few hours.  Go to the gym in the morning before work, since she's watching the kid then.  Get takeout once or twice a week or make enough food for leftovers so you don't have to cook every single night.  Or even just do "fend for yourself" once or twice a week for dinner or do something really easy for dinner, like sandwiches or something.  You agree to wake up with the kid once or twice a week if she takes bedtime once or twice a week.  (I mean, if she has to do the morning stuff 7 days I week, I don't really see it as that unfair that you have to do evening stuff 7 days a week.)  

I don't know, it kind of seems like you don't really appreciate what she does either, so the problem goes both ways.  

Edited June 30, 2021 by clia

[pepperbird2]

On 6/27/2021 at 2:58 AM, Fresh-craft said:

Has anyone gone through a divorce with a young child?  My daughter just turned 4yo.  I'm (39m) in a relationship with the mother (45yo), who is a recovering alcoholic/'dry drunk'.  I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  My feeling is that my partner may not try and fight a 50/50 split arrangement of custody, but even that still sounds awful to me.  It's twisting my guts and torturing me to think of my precious daughter whom I love to death spending half her time away from me....and worse, eventually with some step-dad guy to influence her life.  

I feel like I'm in denial that this relationship just isn't working - surely I'm suffering quite a bit to remain in it.  But I can't bear to imagine going through trying to explain to my daughter that daddy is going to live somewhere else, all those questions...she's so young and innocent.  It's killing me.  How do people deal with it?   I mean, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I just basically learn how to accept and somehow deal with the emotional abuse I endure to at least be able to remain with my child.  

gently,

I have no opinion on whether you should walk away or not, but I would like to ask about what all of this is doing to your daughter? Is your staying benefiting her or hurting her? Is it forcing her to say in a less than stellar environment or do you feel like you can stick it out?

One piece of advice I would have is if you do stay, you need to be "all in". That means no going outside your marriage (i.e.-an affair). I'm not suggesting that you're even considering one, just that is can and does happen and when it does, it often blows up a marriage in the worst way possible. There may be some who feel it's okay ( usually the WS, the ones who really won't pay that much of a price for an affair) but in the end, the ones who would be hurt the worst would be your child and wife.