Fiancée left me

[England89]

I am part of this community and met the love of my life, we had a wedding arranged and planned. Four weeks ago after an argument she left the house & ordered me to leave by time she got back or she’ll phone police. She hasn’t spoken to me ever since, I’ve tried to contact her but I get ignored and blocked. Every night I dream about her and wake up so depressed, the worst thing is she’s still in this same community group, she’ll probably be attending the same events as me which will hurt me,however if I don’t go then I have no real friends around me or anything to look forward to. I need serious help and I don’t know where to turn to, I just miss her so much and wish i could just speak to her.

[Blind-Sided]

You didn't really give us much to go on... like why this is happening.   But, when you say she is calling the police... something serious must have happened. And until we know why... can't really give any advice.

[England89]

Yeah apologies so basically I went through her phone the night before, she text her ex saying she misses and loved him, so that’s what caused the argument. I took the phone and said you can sit here in silence till the morning. She woke me up throwing water Over my face and demanded the phone back, I give her the phone and she stormed out the house and text me ordering me to get out. So it’s like she ran away from her guilt without giving me any explanation on why she’d do this to me. 
 

I know the advice will probably be mate if she’s texting her ex then it’s better to be over with, but I just can’t understand why she’d go texting an ex who she criticised so much to me, the fact one month today we was meant to get married and now I’m at a lost cause, baffled on why she’s talking to another man behind my back, baffled how we can go from being so strong to this, baffled how she can just Throw me out and refuses to ever speak or explain to me. She treated me like a king for many months and the last month or so she just started turning cold hearted.

[Blind-Sided]

20 minutes ago, England89 said:

I know the advice will probably be mate if she’s texting her ex then it’s better to be over with, but I just can’t understand why she’d go texting an ex who she criticised so much to me, .

Well... yep.  You nailed it. (sorry) 

As far as why.... who knows.  People are strange.  We lie to get what we want... and we change our minds for reasons that don't make sense to others. (as a whole)   I guess the only comfort I can give you is... be glad it happened now opposed to happening a few years from now when you found out she was having an affair, and you are getting a divorce. 

But, for the one elephant in the room... you know you aren't her dad... right?  Even if you were mad... you had no right to take her phone. That didn't help the situation at all.  You should have given it back, and told her to get out since she was obviously cheating.

Sorry this has happened. 

[England89]

Yeah course I shouldn’t of taken the phone, I ain’t no angel, I was hurt in what I had seen. I spoke to her ex after, he isn’t interested in her so she wasn’t actually cheating with him, she had messaged him a few times over a month period but he kept ignoring her. 
 

just struggled for the past month, keep thinking about her, I’ve tried to contact her, I turned to drink and felt suicidal, I don’t really have any friends around where I live, we just have this community that we are both involved with but she’s played the victim to them because like an idiot I kept trying to contact her after the breakup.

 

now I feel everyone hates me, I’ve got no one to turn too, hence why I’ve came on here. I have handed her victim status and her being a woman they are the most believed ones, I’m devastated.

[d0nnivain]

The end of a relationship is always painful.  Ending an engagement in this dramatic way is especially difficult. 

You dodged a  bullet here.  She snooped because you had a gut feeling something was wrong & lo & behold it was.  Better you found out now then next month after you were married.  You say you don't know how you can go from being "so strong" & her treating you like a "king" for "months" to this.  It was only "strong" on your end.  Her heart wasn't in it but you didn't know.  The "months' part also jumped out at me.  How long had you known each other before living together?  How long were you living together before getting engaged?  I can't help but wonder if this was all rushed.  

It's also understandable that you feel doubly isolated because she now has the "community" behind her & you feel alone.  Do you have any good friends in the community who were closer to you than her?  Reach out to them one & one & talk.  Reach back home, where ever that is & get support.   

Stop calling & chasing her.  Educate yourself about the laws around living arrangements & domestic violence.   Perhaps file a report about her throwing water on you.  That was an assault & you will be better off having filed 1st if she comes back & lies.  Whose name is on the lease?   I wouldn't fight too hard to stay in a place with ghosts of her.  You may be better off moving out just protect yourself legally. 

Suicide is not the answer. Call a hot line or go to an ER if you are overwhelmed.   Hang in there.  

[BaileyB]

Perhaps I missed it, but how long had you been dating before you proposed and planned a wedding?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, England89 said:

I took the phone and said you can sit here in silence till the morning.

Is it her house? Yes you need to leave asap. You can not confiscate people's property.

End it. It's got problems and violence all over the place.

[spiderowl]

Very sorry to hear what happened, OP.  

It hurts to break up with someone and it hurts especially if they have treated you badly in some way.  You can only remind yourself that you are a decent guy and that you will meet someone lovely eventually.

Something changed in the relationship and (fortunately but painfully for you) you picked up on it and found her out.  Bear in mind that if she was hankering after her ex, she may never have been as involved as you were.  It is not unusual for people to career headlong into another relationship in an attempt to get over their ex and end up hurting the new person.

Checking her phone and confiscating it, is not on.  However you felt about things, if you did not trust her, you needed to get out of the relationship not examine her phone.  Doing that and continuing to contact her after she has told you not to can be viewed (legally) as harassment, so please do not do that any more.  I know you are realising it was not a good idea to continue to contact her now and I know you acted in an emotional state at the time.  We all have our moments!

Breaking up is painful and it takes time to get over it, especially so as you were engaged.  Give yourself time to cry over this loss and betrayal.  Keep in touch with friends and try to keep your ex out of the conversation unless they ask you about her.  True friends will want to hear your side of the story but if they think you are harassing her, they will step back and start defending her.  You don't want that to happen.

You deserve every respect and should not lose the care and love of your friends just because you and your ex have the same friends.  Hold you head high and maintain your friendships.  Any decent friend will understand that emotions were running high and that there are two sides to the story.

[glows]

It's unclear what led to what or why she lost interest in the relationship or turned cold so quickly or resentful towards you. I'd be very careful and resist pursuing her in any way. Taking someone's property or telling them to sit in silence (some kind of solitary confinement?) is harassment and abuse.

In essence she was looking for an exit and tried to rebound using an ex. It didn't work and you found out. She wasn't invested or interested in this relationship for awhile. The most you can do is start seeing help for your sobriety, join a support group and stop drinking. 

Don't contact your ex again, leave her alone and find time away from this so-called community. If they've turned against you that is no community of yours. Find new friends and support elsewhere. 

 

[Caauug]

Break ups are hard on everyone, the one being dumped is hard because rejection really burns the self esteem. Your emotions will be telling you it's about you, but the root cause is really her emotions. This might be a little early in your healing process but should be part of it to understand why she did the what she did. Try to understand she doesn't think the same way you do, her needs are different to yours and she loves differently than you do.

19 hours ago, England89 said:

she text her ex saying she misses and loved him

This is important!!! Human nature will be telling her to find the best mate possible. This is part of "Hypergamy", someone she feels is the best possible mate she can get. Right now, that is not you!!! Your logic will not play a part as she is driven  by her emotions.

19 hours ago, England89 said:

So it’s like she ran away from her guilt without giving me any explanation on why she’d do this to me. 

Wrong. You want an explanation, and you think it would help in your healing process, but it will likely just prolong the end result dealing with your rejection. She will have heaps different reasons why you drove her (yes, your fault) to look for someone better than you, guilt will not be part of it. Do yourself a huge favour and do not open that Pandora's box. Your truth and your logic will not be part of her reasoning.... don't go there!!!

19 hours ago, England89 said:

I’ve tried to contact her, I turned to drink and felt suicidal,

You want to turn back time.... You can't do that. For the most part women want a strong man, someone that has purpose, knows what he wants and knows where he is going. Someone that is as solid as a rock that is self driven and can provide the traditional roles of provider/protector of her and her family. She does not want you to be a dependent, she wants children to be her dependents. You trying to contact her after she dumped you, (her rejection of you) shows your weakness or your dependence on her. This is why "No Contact" is the best action you can take, shows your strength if you want her back and helps you heal faster if you don't.

You have to look after the most important person to you, that's YOU!!! Get into the best possible physical shape as you can, eat and live healthy. Kick any bad habits, and moderate your drinking. Find new friends that are not common friends, common "Friends" may not be friends if you put them into the position of choosing between you and your ex. What hobbies did you drop while with her? It might be time to take a second look at picking them back up or find new ones. If you are feeling down, reach out for professional help if you need to. This is your time to concentrate on YOU.... 

 

Note: Do not take these comments as an attack on any person, group, or sex. Human nature produces traits in both sexes, and actions can be controlled personally. Understanding and motivation should be a part of healing process.