To tinder or not to tinder?

[Katkats7777]

I’m debating if i should go back to tinder. I want to find someone who is looking for the same thing as i am. And i can choose what i like, and there are options. Also i think there is a pro to dating apps because i can meet guys that i wouldnt ordinary be able to meet in real life. Now if i choose to go to some bar i just think how likely will i get approached? And  everytime i do go out and want to meet someone it never happens

[Wiseman2]

Dating apps are a fine complement to meeting in real life. It depends what you are looking for. Of course bars and tinder are mainly for hookups, no?

[Katkats7777]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating apps are a fine complement to meeting in real life. It depends what you are looking for. Of course bars and tinder are mainly for hookups, no?

Where do you expect me to go? Church? Heck no

[SumGuy]

I believe OLD apps/sites do help you meet and find many people you'd never see in real life.

I also believe the app/site makes a huge difference. 

In my unscientific survey and experience free sites a replete with players and scammers...or at least enough people complain about it.  Which makes sense as they cost nothing to spam.  Paid sites much less so, like have never heard a scammer met through a paid site.  Now players, though are everywhere but at least at a paid site not a "cheap" one you'd hope.  You know the old saying, you get what you pay for.

Then I look at how they operate, ones where the photo is front and center, and where the "profile" is not much more than age and height...they are just the modern equivalent of the meat market bar in my opinion.   The same things that lead to success at a meat market seem to be those best suited for such sites.  It is also my belief you are going to more players there, it is just the vibe of such places as they are not about you just one's look.

I had great success finding people that can connect with me as me, via paid sites where profiles are extensive.  Provided that you read the profile and make that part of the filter process.  I passed on women, no matter how hot their photo, that had literally no more than a sentence in their profile.  Where I live (a major metro US area) Match worked great for what I was after, which relationship, and much more than just a pretty face (but that too  ).  Literally 2000+ women within 20 miles mutual matched the criteria Match allowed me (that is they match my criteria and I theirs and this was after I got fairly picky on criteria) to set and had plenty of interest (at least 50% I had mutual interest) and plenty of responses to my interest (about 75% IIRC).

So yes, OLD can work well but no one size fits all and most actually have to put some thought and effort into it.

 

ADDED:

On "real life" think that is way over ratted as a way to meet people, at least once one is out of college.  Huge, it is largely happenstance and you know even less about a person when just meeting them out and about than you do through a good profile.  Be it the street, grocery, other store, bar, etc., etc.   Again how many people you meet out and about seem up to be picked up on?   I guess it depends on where you go but any place I go regularily...it becomes like sh*ting where you live.

Most people you meet are going to be from work, a real minefield if ever there was one, or social circle.  In both cases better have a good vibe on how they react to things not lasting as you will see them a lot after.  Also, how many times can you dip into those pools? Once, twice, thrice?  Not many, assuming there is some depth to that bench to begin with.

The same goes for meet up, clubs, etc. except you can leave the group and not see them again.  Again, how many groups can you join?  5, 10, 20?

I think a lot think of IRL as the way is that was how people met until the 2000's or so, not much of an alternative.  Parties, people setting you up, etc.

My view is of course keep ones eyes open IRL, but don't count on many opportunities to arise, not nearly as many as OLD.  Use IRL to supplement IRL, but really be picky what OLD approach you take.  If you live in a metropolitan area think will have no trouble once you learn how to find those interested in you.

 

Edited June 26, 2021 by SumGuy

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

Where do you expect me to go? Church? Heck no

It wouldn't hurt.  There are some good looking guys attending church.  Maybe they have some morals too.

[SumGuy]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It wouldn't hurt.  There are some good looking guys attending church.  Maybe they have some morals too.

Maybe...church doesn't seem to make people any more faithful, they just seem to feel more guilty about it, at least once they are caught.

Yet if the church guy is what OP is after why not...using "church" as a euphemism for religion...there is a lot more than Protestantism, a lot, and there is what a lot call spiritualism as well  Such as various yoga retreats, there is definitively a moral and spiritual component to some, where one may find those of like mind if that is your mind.  And to make a joke, if you are Jewish and a catch you may not be allowed to walk out of temple without a date or three :)

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

Where do you expect me to go? Church? Heck no

Classes, courses, sports, groups, clubs, volunteering, etc.

This way you would see people regularly and get to know them and s develop some rapport.

Bars and tinder are full of horndogs 🌭 looking to hookup.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I’m debating if i should go back to tinder. I want to find someone who is looking for the same thing as i am.

What are you looking for? If it’s more about casual than Tinder is a good start. If you’re looking for something more serious than relationship oriented apps would be better.

[Katkats7777]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Classes, courses, sports, groups, clubs, volunteering, etc.

This way you would see people regularly and get to know them and s develop some rapport.

Bars and tinder are full of horndogs 🌭 looking to hookup.

Well i want to meet someone quickly. I dont have time to join clubs or gyms and wait for some guy to approach me. Which 9 times out of 10 never happens outside of bars and tinder

Edited June 27, 2021 by Katkats7777

[glows]

Quickly doesn't necessarily mean you'll meet quality so if you want to try Tinder again, by all means. It's your choice. 

Don't be surprised if you end up wasting a lot of time swiping on non-matches that say they're matches. Again, quality. Be prepared to filter excessively and likely take far longer to meet someone who interests you than it would to join an interest group meeting people in person!

[chillii]

No idea about tinder or in any age thing except my 20 yr old daughter and all her friends are all over it. well she was but she met someone but yeah lt's quite funny the way they all work now between sm and things like tinder

When you say quickly , something real and lasting doesn't work like that unless it's your lucky day , it could take yrs. But eh if you just want something whatever or casual then yeah, different story l suppose. l know they meet heaps of people on it but they're 20s. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by chillii

[QuietRiot]

On 6/26/2021 at 12:11 PM, SumGuy said:

 

 

Most people you meet are going to be from work, a real minefield if ever there was one, or social circle.  In both cases better have a good vibe on how they react to things not lasting as you will see them a lot after.  Also, how many times can you dip into those pools? Once, twice, thrice?  Not many, assuming there is some depth to that bench to begin with.

 

 

Agreed on the work, with the exception if you work in different departments and/or buildings.

Though, I don't know why someone would exclude dating options from within social circles since that's been them most common way people have met and dated...even get married outside of online dating. First thing they'd answer with when asked how they met...two words "Through friends".

Not sure why anyone would not try dating within their own social circles. At you least you're familiar with each other, instead of some cold-turkey approach on the street where women creep out easily these days....with their hands ready for the tazer.

I read statistically that dating through social circles kept people in check (well behaved). That they'd less likely to be a player or do someone wrong. It's like having references for work.

I'm a member of this gaming group. I actually know one of them in real life, even before joining said group. There was a topic about dating a fellow gamer and such. She said she'd like to meet such a man and mentioned the character of the man she'd like. Since me and here were probably only people in the group that actually met in person through social gatherings...I chimed in and asked her out as I've always had a thing for her. We even have the same kind of sense of humor.

She told me that she didn't date through her own social circles. I was like "Huh? Really? Figured that's the best way to meet people...and we do have common interests...gaming".

Plus, I hadn't been in touch with that circle of people (the people that SHE knows) for quite a long time. Hadn't hung out with them in ages....I was thinking it was a line of BS to be honest.

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Agreed on the work, with the exception if you work in different departments and/or buildings.

Agree as well that makes it less of a minefield.  When say minefield mean it can work but a lot of specific conditions and can easily blow up in your face if not careful.  Usually though it seems to happen with people one sees everyday.  I've dated people at work, both of us low level, both reporting to different groups, just happen to meet by happenstance when went to her department.  When it ended, even though mutual, was still awkward.  Have also seen it in other places kill moral, lead to a lot of talk, HR involvement and in a couple cases people even had to leave (and this when they were together not even broken up and one person hurt).   It is really ugly when there is a break up and one person gets spiteful, that is petty much a guaranteed HR involvement and lawsuit threatened or even filed.

Quote

Though, I don't know why someone would exclude dating options from within social circles since that's been them most common way people have met and dated...even get married outside of online dating. First thing they'd answer with when asked how they met...two words "Through friends".

I wouldn't exclude them at all, it is more just how many are there realistically compared to the numbers of options in OLD?   I've also dated in my social circle, multiple women from the same circle, most which pursued me.  Different in my 40-50's than in my 20's.  A friend of a friend from a different but adjacent circle is the best situation.    It can work but also all it takes is one being weird to make that social circle awkward.

Quote

I read statistically that dating through social circles kept people in check (well behaved). That they'd less likely to be a player or do someone wrong. It's like having references for work.

100% agree, but that is more for the benefit of women dating men.  Also if you impress her and she is not interested in you more, but still likes you (it truly is her not you) then her friend will hit on you     However, if you do something that turns her off, then you can get the opposite reputation.  Again I think dating in social circles is fine, just there is limited number of women usually in one's circle who are available (say 10's at most), while on-line 100's.   

Quote

 

She told me that she didn't date through her own social circles. I was like "Huh? Really? Figured that's the best way to meet people...and we do have common interests...gaming".

Plus, I hadn't been in touch with that circle of people (the people that SHE knows) for quite a long time. Hadn't hung out with them in ages....I was thinking it was a line of BS to be honest.

 

Not necessarily BS, she may have this "rule."  I certainly do now, she would have to be I want to spend the rest of my life with you level to break it...not just lets have fun and see where it goes.  I'm taken though so it will remain theoretical for now.

Or more likely she just wasn't attracted to you in that way enough to risk the gaming group.  Nothing BS about that, she is just not feeling it and didn't want to get into a whole explanation. 

The not feeling it explanation is a minefield in and of itself.  Can pretty much guarantee you if that is the case she is thinking...if he is the kind of guy who cannot accept my "rule" don't date in my social circle, then he certainly will be a royal pain if I give him the more nuanced and accurate reason, asking why and trying to convince me to change my mind.  Ugh.

She is trying to avoid drama, a perfectly legit and unfortunately necessary reaction for women.  You would not believe some of the stories I have heard about guys who wouldn't take no for an answer, no matter how it is given, and especially when she didn't think he is like that.  Safe thing to do for her is assume he is like that, and a guy who is not will not be offended.

Edited June 29, 2021 by SumGuy

[Katkats7777]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Agreed on the work, with the exception if you work in different departments and/or buildings.

Though, I don't know why someone would exclude dating options from within social circles since that's been them most common way people have met and dated...even get married outside of online dating. First thing they'd answer with when asked how they met...two words "Through friends".

Not sure why anyone would not try dating within their own social circles. At you least you're familiar with each other, instead of some cold-turkey approach on the street where women creep out easily these days....with their hands ready for the tazer.

I read statistically that dating through social circles kept people in check (well behaved). That they'd less likely to be a player or do someone wrong. It's like having references for work.

I'm a member of this gaming group. I actually know one of them in real life, even before joining said group. There was a topic about dating a fellow gamer and such. She said she'd like to meet such a man and mentioned the character of the man she'd like. Since me and here were probably only people in the group that actually met in person through social gatherings...I chimed in and asked her out as I've always had a thing for her. We even have the same kind of sense of humor.

She told me that she didn't date through her own social circles. I was like "Huh? Really? Figured that's the best way to meet people...and we do have common interests...gaming".

Plus, I hadn't been in touch with that circle of people (the people that SHE knows) for quite a long time. Hadn't hung out with them in ages....I was thinking it was a line of BS to be honest.

Well i dont have a social circle nor when i did have friends i went out with, they never bothered to introduce me to anyone

[QuietRiot]

9 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Agree as well that makes it less of a minefield.  When say minefield mean it can work but a lot of specific conditions and can easily blow up in your face if not careful.  Usually though it seems to happen with people one sees everyday.  I've dated people at work, both of us low level, both reporting to different groups, just happen to meet by happenstance when went to her department.  When it ended, even though mutual, was still awkward.  Have also seen it in other places kill moral, lead to a lot of talk, HR involvement and in a couple cases people even had to leave (and this when they were together not even broken up and one person hurt).   It is really ugly when there is a break up and one person gets spiteful, that is petty much a guaranteed HR involvement and lawsuit threatened or even filed.

I wouldn't exclude them at all, it is more just how many are there realistically compared to the numbers of options in OLD?   I've also dated in my social circle, multiple women from the same circle, most which pursued me.  Different in my 40-50's than in my 20's.  A friend of a friend from a different but adjacent circle is the best situation.    It can work but also all it takes is one being weird to make that social circle awkward.

100% agree, but that is more for the benefit of women dating men.  Also if you impress her and she is not interested in you more, but still likes you (it truly is her not you) then her friend will hit on you     However, if you do something that turns her off, then you can get the opposite reputation.  Again I think dating in social circles is fine, just there is limited number of women usually in one's circle who are available (say 10's at most), while on-line 100's.   

Not necessarily BS, she may have this "rule."  I certainly do now, she would have to be I want to spend the rest of my life with you level to break it...not just lets have fun and see where it goes.  I'm taken though so it will remain theoretical for now.

Or more likely she just wasn't attracted to you in that way enough to risk the gaming group.  Nothing BS about that, she is just not feeling it and didn't want to get into a whole explanation. 

The not feeling it explanation is a minefield in and of itself.  Can pretty much guarantee you if that is the case she is thinking...if he is the kind of guy who cannot accept my "rule" don't date in my social circle, then he certainly will be a royal pain if I give him the more nuanced and accurate reason, asking why and trying to convince me to change my mind.  Ugh.

She is trying to avoid drama, a perfectly legit and unfortunately necessary reaction for women.  You would not believe some of the stories I have heard about guys who wouldn't take no for an answer, no matter how it is given, and especially when she didn't think he is like that.  Safe thing to do for her is assume he is like that, and a guy who is not will not be offended.

Thing is though ( I recall you talking about meetup)...she met her last husband when there was a Meetup event happening at a venue...but...he wasn't a member...just a bar patron sitting on the outskirts, who hit her up (she was the Meetup member, HE was not). 

Imagine the men you could pick from from a routine Meetup, but choosing a bar pick up(stranger) instead. lol

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

Well i dont have a social circle nor when i did have friends i went out with, they never bothered to introduce me to anyone

Tinder is fine, it depends what you're looking for.

[Katkats7777]

On 6/29/2021 at 6:58 PM, QuietRiot said:

Thing is though ( I recall you talking about meetup)...she met her last husband when there was a Meetup event happening at a venue...but...he wasn't a member...just a bar patron sitting on the outskirts, who hit her up (she was the Meetup member, HE was not). 

Imagine the men you could pick from from a routine Meetup, but choosing a bar pick up(stranger) instead. lol

This is exactly my "gameplan" when I attend meetup events. If its like a friday or Saturday night event like afterward its getting drinks somewhere, or some festival, show what not ,  I primarily go to see if I happen to meet some random guy whose NOT in meetup, you know. Just scoping whats out there. For my situation since I don't have a group of friends to go out with, I use meetup events as a tool  not to meet guys in my meetups, but more so to meet guys out.

Edited July 1, 2021 by Katkats7777

[Blind-Sided]

On 6/26/2021 at 10:15 PM, Katkats7777 said:

Well i want to meet someone quickly. .....

Then talk to your friends to see if they have any singles they can introduce you to.  That way... you know the other person has been "Cleared" by someone you trust.  This is the method I used after my D.  Even the ones that were questionable... I knew that up front.   I remember one girl was described to me as... "She's very clingy, but you can get laid tonight if you want."  And... "She's very nice... but a little crazy." 

You don't get those kinds of comments from OLD apps. 

[Katkats7777]

4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Then talk to your friends to see if they have any singles they can introduce you to.  That way... you know the other person has been "Cleared" by someone you trust.  This is the method I used after my D.  Even the ones that were questionable... I knew that up front.   I remember one girl was described to me as... "She's very clingy, but you can get laid tonight if you want."  And... "She's very nice... but a little crazy." 

You don't get those kinds of comments from OLD apps. 

I don't have any friends

[Katkats7777]

When did meetup become some creepy “dating” app? I swear as soon as i rsvp for some event that only has like 4 people going, there are like 10 guys who sign up. I rsvp for an event thats coming up and some guy whose in the same group with NO profile pic private message me and i noticed he was going to that same event. Geez. Not to mention i got a random private message from some guy whos not in any of my groups comment, “hey cutie.” 
 

i mean of course i go to events to possibly met another single in PERSON not messaging me in private 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Katkats7777

[Cookiesandough]

10 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

When did meetup become some creepy “dating” app? I swear as soon as i rsvp for some event that only has like 4 people going, there are like 10 guys who sign up. I rsvp for an event thats coming up and some guy whose in the same group with NO profile pic private message me and i noticed he was going to that same event. Geez. Not to mention i got a random private message from some guy whos not in any of my groups comment, “hey cutie.” 
 

i mean of course i go to events to possibly met another single in PERSON not messaging me in private 

It’s always been that way. Block them and I think you should focus on making friends. ^^

[QuietRiot]

38 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

When did meetup become some creepy “dating” app? I swear as soon as i rsvp for some event that only has like 4 people going, there are like 10 guys who sign up. I rsvp for an event thats coming up and some guy whose in the same group with NO profile pic private message me and i noticed he was going to that same event. Geez. Not to mention i got a random private message from some guy whos not in any of my groups comment, “hey cutie.” 
 

i mean of course i go to events to possibly met another single in PERSON not messaging me in private 

Would be any less creepier if he did have a picture? lol

Anyways, I save my private messages on Meetup until after I've met them in person. 

[Gaeta]

If you are serious about meeting someone then pick a dating site with a better reputation and pay for a membership. I always pay for a membership. It gives me tons of tools to select the type of men I am looking for. Also, if you know people around you that have met their gf/bf online ask them what dating app they used. Where I am from Badoo is a pretty good place, I heard in the US it's as bad as POF, so consider what is good in your area. 

Date safely. There is no such a thing as finding someone fast. Take as long as it takes to find someone worthy of you. 

[ZA Dater]

I think the first thing to do is to keep expectations very low, especially of you are looking for something more than a ONS or fling. Rather use an app to supplement your normal dating than using it as your primary method of meeting people.

 

[Katkats7777]

On 7/2/2021 at 8:34 AM, QuietRiot said:

Would be any less creepier if he did have a picture? lol

Anyways, I save my private messages on Meetup until after I've met them in person. 

I changed my profile pic on meetup to spongebob squarepants that way no guy will private message… and the guy that private messaged me did have a profile but it wasn’t of him like it didn’t show his face it was a profile pic of a sun. 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Katkats7777