He wants me back and won't stop arguing and I don't know what to do

[healthyhopes]

Hello,

My boyfriend (now ex) broke up with me mid-April. It is now nearing the end of June, so about 2 months have passed. He has regretted his decision and continues to pressure me to get back together with him. I am not sure whether I want to meet him or not. I told him (over message) that I do not want to get back together with him as our values and perspectives don’t align, and wished him well, but he wants more explanation and continues to argue with me that I should get back with him.

Things were getting bad for a while. One big issue was his treatment of the pandemic, where he refused to believe it was a huge issue, continued to go to the bars and do drugs with his friends, claimed that I shouldn’t worry and that I was being controlling when I asked him to stay home/get covid tested, etc. During this time I felt that he was also not supportive of my extremely emotionally and physically stressful rotating shift job, where I worked multiple different shifts within a week and had zero to one day off every week, and consequently felt horrible every day. Due to my job I was able to get the vaccine in the first wave of vaccines, and he had reservations about the vaccine and tried to tell me to give it away to someone who needs it more (for the record, I was an essential worker), etc. When it was revealed that he could get the vaccine some months later, due to some health qualifications of his, he stated that he had concerns about the vaccine and said that he would not be getting it. Despite this, he continued to go to bars, travel around the country, and be around large groups of people.

He was always very religious and comes from a very religiously Christian family. However, when the pandemic started he became more and more religious—likely due to the isolation and also due to the fact that he now had more time to engage in religious thought and practice. He began going to church every week and by the end of our relationship was doing bible study twice a week (by this time, was meeting in small groups of other men, all without masks on, before the mask mandate was lifted). I was always supportive of him but as things went on he became more and more offensive. He kept pressuring me to convert (I am an atheist jew) and it became clear that he wanted me to water down who I was. This was very offensive to me and I struggled to respond in a way that did not offend him, despite the fact that he was consistently offensive to me. It also became clear at this time that he did not believe in evolution and was considering traditional Christian thought about family structure. I had invited him home to meet my family (never happened as he broke up with me before this) and struggled with the fact that he was going to be staying in the same home as my refugee parents and possibly meet my grandparents who were displaced by the holocaust.

It also became clear to me that we have different values and perspectives. He leaned politically conservative and I always knew this but as the pandemic went on, he also became more conservative (possibly due to the religious influence?) and developed/strengthened negatives opinions on gay marriage, abortion, etc, that I highly disagreed with. He also began watching this political youtuber who I feel is very sexist. He would want to watch these videos with me.

Another issue was the issue of marriage and children. It appeared that he wanted to get married soon, move to a small rural town and have lots of children. I wish to go to grad school and not have children until I am solid in my career. It felt like I was not heard about my opinions about this.

As all this went on (predictably), he put less effort in communicating with me or doing things with me. We never went outside or did things that I liked to do. It was just watching TV in his dark apartment 24/7 or having horrible and strenuous arguments about religion and politics. He did things with his friends though, of course. He also never went to my apartment (too much effort to find a place to drive and walk—but also I was happy that no one was yelling at me in my own apartment). I also felt that he could be manipulative, coercive and mean at times.

Anyways, the beginning of the relationship was good and lovey-dovey and so all of this was like I was slowly being boiled alive. A few weeks after easter, he broke up with me. He said that he loves me but that it is best for both of us to find someone that fits us better/that we could envision marrying.

It was sad but I moved on because of how horrible everything was. I like being single and spending time with myself and reacquainting myself with my own hobbies and interests. I have went on a few dates with some very nice men who treat me well. I’ve also been able to spend more time with friends.

NOW, however, he has decided that he wants to get back together with me. He stated that he was having a “religious identity crisis” and that his decision to break up with me was “rash” and “impulsive” (though he told me, at the breakup, that he had thought about it for 2 months). He said that he now believes in evolution and that he didn’t in the past as he grew up in a very religious area and was fed pseudo-science since he was little. He also got vaccinated, sent me a photo of his vaccine card, and apologized to me about the grief he caused me during the pandemic.

I wished him well but told him that I do not want to get back together. He continues to message me and tell me that he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get back together and ask for specific reasons. I told him something vague and nice (eg, “nothing is wrong with you, I just don’t think our values and perspectives align.”) He disagrees with me and continues to argue with me about why we should get back together. He says that we had a happy and healthy relationship (???) and that if I only just understood how he felt, I would give him a chance.

I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know what to do at this point. He insists that I meet him at a coffee shop/something similar and I just plain don’t want to. My father says that I should meet him so that he can take this moment for closure and then move on, but I don’t believe he will trying to coerce me to get back. My mother believes I should not respond and block him from everything, but I don’t want to be mean, and a certain app (snapchat) gives me his location, which allows me to avoid him if I see him in public. I was thinking messaging him back with direct reasons for why we should not get back together, but my mother says this is a bad idea. I just need him to get his closure and move on and let me be and I have no idea what to do.

[healthyhopes]

I should add that though his behavior/opinions/etc escalated during the pandemic, I do believe that all of this is fundamentally who he is, even if it was less loud and apparent in the beginning ...

[healthyhopes]

18 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know what to do at this point. He insists that I meet him at a coffee shop/something similar and I just plain don’t want to. My father says that I should meet him so that he can take this moment for closure and then move on, but I don’t believe I should as I feel that he will be trying to coerce me to get back. 

^ fixed an error, seen in bold. I wrote the post too quickly

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know what to do at this point.

This is simple. 

Stop engaging in arguments with him. Tell him no. You don't need to list all the reasons you don't want to get back together. This isn't a trial where you present your evidence and try persuade people to agree.. You decide for yourself. Not your ex. Not your dad. You. 

Stay no and stop contact. That is where he will get his closure - from accepting that it is over. Find your backbone, girl.

[Sun Seeker]

Tell him no and stop replying to him.. so simple.

[healthyhopes]

Okay, thank you for your replies. I suppose I didn't write it in my original post but I hardly reply (if ever) reply to him. What makes it hard for me is that he continues to send messages when I don't reply, and I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone. I've told him no repeatedly and haven't opened any of his recent messages, so I will continue doing this. Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

Okay, thank you for your replies. I suppose I didn't write it in my original post but I hardly reply (if ever) reply to him. What makes it hard for me is that he continues to send messages when I don't reply

Then it's time to tell him you will have no choice but to block him if he does not stop. 

 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, healthyhopes said:

My father says that I should meet him so that he can take this moment for closure and then move on, but I don’t believe he will trying to coerce me to get back.

My mother believes I should not respond and block him from everything, but I don’t want to be mean, and a certain app ove on and let me be and I have no idea what to do.

Your mum is right. Block him. He doesn't need closure. He's the one who dumped you after 2 months of thinking about it.

He really doesn't care about your opinion. That's why your conversations, including this one about breaking up, are really monologues where he gets to say his piece and ignore everything you have to say. Even if you have 20 meetings at a cafe, nothing's going to change because he doesn't care what you think or feel.

Blocking isn't mean in this case. Blocking is the equivalent of putting a period at the end of a sentence. It will force him to start thinking about moving on emotionally.

Edited June 26, 2021 by Acacia98

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

.. I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone....

You're not hurting him.

Him harassing you about getting back has nothing to do with "love" or him "hurting."

IF he loved you, he would respect your feelings about NOT wanting to get back together and let you go.

What's at issue here is his EGO, he simply cannot lose. 

Some people are like that, they refuse to lose, their ego cannot handle it.

This is NOT love, please learn the difference, I have.

At this point, I think blocking him would be appropriate.  Don't even tell him; you've said your piece, he refused to listen.  That's his problem, not yours.

So just block and be done.

All too often, people feel that they need to please and appease their partners or ex-partners while neglecting their own feelings.

Don't be that person, love yourself more than that. As my mom used to say "we were not placed on this earth to be martyrs."

If you don’t want to talk to him, then don’t!   And that is OK, especially someone who is harassing you with texts and/or verbally offensive or abusive.

Take care of YOU!  

Edited June 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

My mother believes I should not respond and block him from everything

Listen to your mother.

He's a drug using fanatical argumentative headache and heartache you don't need in your life.

Having appropriate boundaries is not "mean".

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

Hello,

My boyfriend (now ex) broke up with me mid-April. It is now nearing the end of June, so about 2 months have passed. He has regretted his decision and continues to pressure me to get back together with him. I am not sure whether I want to meet him or not. I told him (over message) that I do not want to get back together with him as our values and perspectives don’t align, and wished him well, but he wants more explanation and continues to argue with me that I should get back with him.

Things were getting bad for a while. One big issue was his treatment of the pandemic, where he refused to believe it was a huge issue, continued to go to the bars and do drugs with his friends, claimed that I shouldn’t worry and that I was being controlling when I asked him to stay home/get covid tested, etc. During this time I felt that he was also not supportive of my extremely emotionally and physically stressful rotating shift job, where I worked multiple different shifts within a week and had zero to one day off every week, and consequently felt horrible every day. Due to my job I was able to get the vaccine in the first wave of vaccines, and he had reservations about the vaccine and tried to tell me to give it away to someone who needs it more (for the record, I was an essential worker), etc. When it was revealed that he could get the vaccine some months later, due to some health qualifications of his, he stated that he had concerns about the vaccine and said that he would not be getting it. Despite this, he continued to go to bars, travel around the country, and be around large groups of people.

He was always very religious and comes from a very religiously Christian family. However, when the pandemic started he became more and more religious—likely due to the isolation and also due to the fact that he now had more time to engage in religious thought and practice. He began going to church every week and by the end of our relationship was doing bible study twice a week (by this time, was meeting in small groups of other men, all without masks on, before the mask mandate was lifted). I was always supportive of him but as things went on he became more and more offensive. He kept pressuring me to convert (I am an atheist jew) and it became clear that he wanted me to water down who I was. This was very offensive to me and I struggled to respond in a way that did not offend him, despite the fact that he was consistently offensive to me. It also became clear at this time that he did not believe in evolution and was considering traditional Christian thought about family structure. I had invited him home to meet my family (never happened as he broke up with me before this) and struggled with the fact that he was going to be staying in the same home as my refugee parents and possibly meet my grandparents who were displaced by the holocaust.

It also became clear to me that we have different values and perspectives. He leaned politically conservative and I always knew this but as the pandemic went on, he also became more conservative (possibly due to the religious influence?) and developed/strengthened negatives opinions on gay marriage, abortion, etc, that I highly disagreed with. He also began watching this political youtuber who I feel is very sexist. He would want to watch these videos with me.

Another issue was the issue of marriage and children. It appeared that he wanted to get married soon, move to a small rural town and have lots of children. I wish to go to grad school and not have children until I am solid in my career. It felt like I was not heard about my opinions about this.

As all this went on (predictably), he put less effort in communicating with me or doing things with me. We never went outside or did things that I liked to do. It was just watching TV in his dark apartment 24/7 or having horrible and strenuous arguments about religion and politics. He did things with his friends though, of course. He also never went to my apartment (too much effort to find a place to drive and walk—but also I was happy that no one was yelling at me in my own apartment). I also felt that he could be manipulative, coercive and mean at times.

Anyways, the beginning of the relationship was good and lovey-dovey and so all of this was like I was slowly being boiled alive. A few weeks after easter, he broke up with me. He said that he loves me but that it is best for both of us to find someone that fits us better/that we could envision marrying.

It was sad but I moved on because of how horrible everything was. I like being single and spending time with myself and reacquainting myself with my own hobbies and interests. I have went on a few dates with some very nice men who treat me well. I’ve also been able to spend more time with friends.

NOW, however, he has decided that he wants to get back together with me. He stated that he was having a “religious identity crisis” and that his decision to break up with me was “rash” and “impulsive” (though he told me, at the breakup, that he had thought about it for 2 months). He said that he now believes in evolution and that he didn’t in the past as he grew up in a very religious area and was fed pseudo-science since he was little. He also got vaccinated, sent me a photo of his vaccine card, and apologized to me about the grief he caused me during the pandemic.

I wished him well but told him that I do not want to get back together. He continues to message me and tell me that he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get back together and ask for specific reasons. I told him something vague and nice (eg, “nothing is wrong with you, I just don’t think our values and perspectives align.”) He disagrees with me and continues to argue with me about why we should get back together. He says that we had a happy and healthy relationship (???) and that if I only just understood how he felt, I would give him a chance.

I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know what to do at this point. He insists that I meet him at a coffee shop/something similar and I just plain don’t want to. My father says that I should meet him so that he can take this moment for closure and then move on, but I don’t believe he will trying to coerce me to get back. My mother believes I should not respond and block him from everything, but I don’t want to be mean, and a certain app (snapchat) gives me his location, which allows me to avoid him if I see him in public. I was thinking messaging him back with direct reasons for why we should not get back together, but my mother says this is a bad idea. I just need him to get his closure and move on and let me be and I have no idea what to do.

He sounds mentally unwell to begin with. 

I could barely read all of this it was so toxic. 

What do you mean you dont know what to do? Yes you do. You know your mom is right. This is a GOD AWFUL IDEA. GOD AWFUL 

Block him. Cripes! Nope the hell out of this guy. 

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

Okay, thank you for your replies. I suppose I didn't write it in my original post but I hardly reply (if ever) reply to him. What makes it hard for me is that he continues to send messages when I don't reply, and I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone. I've told him no repeatedly and haven't opened any of his recent messages, so I will continue doing this. Thank you.

He will live.

There are too many issues between you and youre too incompatible to make this work.  He will survive just fine. I promise

[mark clemson]

If necessary, research cyber-stalking/harassment laws in your jurisdiction and set some cops or a lawyer on him. He sounds like he has some emotional issues, but this is not your problem to fix (or his privilege to attempt to use you and "winning you back" to feel better about himself). Some folks have a very hard time letting go and as you are probably aware once in a while it turns into essentially an obsession. You really need to chop this tree down before it can grown even bigger IMO.

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

I do believe that all of this is fundamentally who he is, even if it was less loud and apparent in the beginning ...

I'm not getting why he isn't on block and why you haven't t gone to court to get a PRO sworn on him if he doesn't leave you alone.

This isn't about him getting his way--this is about you have a right to your autonomy and your life without him in it. It's his problem that he's sad he messed things up, not yours.

Quote

I suppose I didn't write it in my original post but I hardly reply (if ever) reply to him.

You reply enough to where he doesn't believe that you don't want to be with him. That's not how someone who is done behaves---they don't keep the door open.

Stop giving off mixed signals--either be in the relationship with him and how he is or leave him totally alone.

[spiderowl]

Dear OP, the relationship sounds like a hellish nightmare!

I would just message him that it is over.

He was controlling, ignored your feelings, and by the sound of it was aggressive too.

He might have changed what he has done but people do not change fundamentally.  His surface 'beliefs' might have changed but that controlling, strict, doctrine-inclined nature, is unlikely to have changed.  His efforts to get you back are just more of the same, trying to control you.

You do not have to meet him for closure if you have feel you have enough closure as it is.  Just tell him via message that it is over and you do not want to communicate any more.  You do not have to give reasons.  He finished with you!  While it turned out to be a relief for you in the end, you owe him nothing.

I would pay attention to your personal safety.  Obsessive, controlling types, do not give up easily.  Change your locks if he has access, ensure he cannot track you on your phone, be careful what you say on any social media.  While he probably knows where you work, as you have been together for quite a while, keep any future information about yourself, location and actions, away from him.  If you have any concerns, quietly warn mutual friends not to give him info on you.

[SumGuy]

On 6/26/2021 at 1:17 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is simple. 

Stop engaging in arguments with him. Tell him no. You don't need to list all the reasons you don't want to get back together. This isn't a trial where you present your evidence and try persuade people to agree.. You decide for yourself. Not your ex. Not your dad. You. 

Stay no and stop contact. That is where he will get his closure - from accepting that it is over. Find your backbone, girl.

This and you did give him plenty of reasons already.  If he is religious then not aligning on values and perspective is a huge and completely legit reason.

Document whatever texts, etc. you can, block him and consider if need further support, to be safe, as all you said gets my radar up that not taking no for an answer and feeling he is entitled to more, is on par with those who escalate.  I suspect from what you said he has a philosophy in his head where men lead and women follow, you are not following (that is agreeing with him) so in his mind you are wrong, which he also already seems to have a history of and just ignoring and discounting what you say.  Doesn't help he appears to have a strong strain of his feelings equal facts.   These are the kind of predicate justifications you see from men who lash out, they always feel justified in their actions not matter how far over the line.

[ShyViolet]

Please tell me you are not considering getting back with this guy.... he sounds mentally unstable.  You need to grow a backbone and STOP feeling "bad" for him... he is harassing you and I literally don't understand how you haven't blocked him by now.  Your mother is right.  You don't owe him any more explanations and you should absolutely not meet him anywhere.  This behavior on his part is not normal and not OK.  

On 6/26/2021 at 1:33 PM, healthyhopes said:

 What makes it hard for me is that he continues to send messages when I don't reply, and I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone. 

You need to put up firm boundaries and not allow him to harass you, and if that "hurts" him then so be it.  It is not your responsibility to shield him from being hurt.  He is not entitled to have access to you whenever he wants.  He is on the verge of stalking you.  You need to do the responsible thing and cut this off.