I ended it with MM. Struggling with No Contact

[Alexa007]

I've been gone for a while ❤️. I'm not sure what my last update was so I'll give a quick rundown.  I'm currently on day 1 of NC with my MM. 

I had "ended" things four months ago but me and MM still worked together and saw each other daily. He started making plans to leave BS. That was four months ago. There's been excuse after excuse and maybe a half-assed attempt here and there to find an apartment. 

We no longer work together (the A is part of our getting let go), so we were both jobless (he has other income) and had a few weeks of bliss doing real couple things.  Then BS was no longer at work (she does not work summers) and the horrible parts of being with a MM really started to weigh on me. 

MM swears he's had the talk with her, she knows he's moving out, she's told her parents, etc. From what I see (she is an aquaintance
of our family), she has no clue.  However MM stopped attending her family functions and did not go on their yearly vacation.

That's what brings me to today. MM and I spent that week in bliss.  We had never had overnights before.  Both his mom and my mom (our families are intertwined) have been determined to split us up because they do not approve (who could blame them). For reference, he and I are middle-aged professionals and our moms are in their 60's 😂. They have been simultaneously trying to catch us together, calling us nonstop, etc. 

Even though everyone around us, in our town, and in our friend circles knows about the A, somehow BS does not.  I have no desire for her to find out.  MM got super nervous about our moms and pulled away on what was supposed to be a wonderful last evening for us together before BS came back in town. 

That was my breaking point.  I calmly explained that I no longer want to be in an affair (it's been almost 2 years going). What we're doing is wrong, it's destroying me, and we need to do the right thing and end it and let the future be what the future will be. I didn't harp too much on how he's been telling me he's going to leave and didn't because I wanted the focus to be more on doing what's right rather than looking like I'm trying to force some sort of action. 

He's texted me several times today. Some have been a simple ❤️ and others have been non-romantic like telling me about a free activity going on that my kids would enjoy.  It's the non-romantic texts that I'm feeling like an a-hole for not responding.  I know what a slippery slope it would be if I started communicating with him again. I just keep repeating "he's still married. He's still married" in my mind and trying not to think of all the promises he's made me (he's talked about marrying me, where we'll live, sketched out our dream home etc).  

I'd love y'alls thoughts and advice for this stage.  

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

Even though everyone around us, in our town, and in our friend circles knows about the A, somehow BS does not.  I have no desire for her to find out.

That seems to be only a matter of time, don’t you think?

13 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

MM and I spent that week in bliss.  We had never had overnights before.

This is a honeymoon. It’s not real life, you need to understand that. 

13 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

We no longer work together (the A is part of our getting let go), so we were both jobless

If losing your job didn’t knock you out of this fantasy you have created, I don’t know what will. 

Here’s the thing Alexa, I would have no patience for a man who says he will and then doesn’t. None whatsoever. 

I think your mothers give good advice. You say that you are middle aged professionals but you are certainly not acting like it - you are sneaking around like two immature and love drunk teenagers who care little about the consequences past the disapproval of their mothers. Sorry to be blunt, but if you are going to go no contact and make it stick you need to get real honest, real fast. Good luck!

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

I'd love y'alls thoughts and advice for this stage.  

This is game play. That’s what it sounds like when you ask for advice for “this stage of the relationship.” In other words, it’s not over. If it was, you would have blocked him and really gone no contact. You haven’t blocked him because you want him to text you - you are no doubt enjoying every single heart that he texts you today and waiting to see what he will do next. He says he wants to marry you, he has talked about the home you will have together - this is your latest attempt to encourage him to prove it. Just another stage, another page in this story… these are the days of our lives. 

I’m sorry, I believe you know that ending it is the right thing to do and I believe that you are really struggling to do that. There is lots of support for you here when you really ready to go no contact - which means blocking all communication. Until then, I have to be honest and say I don’t believe that you are really ready to do that yet. Take care.

Edited June 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alexa007]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is game play. That’s what it sounds like when you ask for advice for “this stage of the relationship.” In other words, it’s not over. If it was, you would have blocked him and really gone no contact. You haven’t blocked him because you want him to text you - you are no doubt enjoying every single heart that he texts you today and waiting to see what he will do next. He says he wants to marry you, he has talked about the home you will have together - this is your latest attempt to encourage him to prove it. Just another stage, another page in this story… these are the days of our lives. 

I’m sorry, I believe you know that ending it is the right thing to do and I believe that you are really struggling to do that. There is lots of support for you here when you really ready to go no contact - which means blocking all communication. Until then, I have to be honest and say I don’t believe that you are really ready to do that yet. Take care.

I definitely admit that I'm not sure I'm at the stage to full on block his number (luckily he doesn't have any social media) but I *am* committed to not responding. I know it would be an instant slippery slope and put me right back at square 1. 

I'm definitely hoping for some support here to get through these first days. This is my first time in nearly 2 years not "talking" to him. Babysteps. Doing the right thing feels great, though. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by Alexa007
Grammar

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

but I *am* committed to not responding.

This doesn't matter.  When you become commited to blocking him so you don't hear his words anymore you will be making progress.  Right now you are fooling yourself because you still want to hear from him.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

I definitely admit that I'm not sure I'm at the stage to full on block his number (luckily he doesn't have any social media) but I *am* committed to not responding.

Alexa, believe it or not, I am offering support when I say that this is not going to work. If you are serious about ending it, you need to block him.

All is well and good on Day 1 when he is texting you hearts and you feel powerful not responding to his texts. What are you going to do tomorrow night when you feel lonely and sad and the temptation to reach out is high? And how are you going to respond when his texts stop?

 

[RebeccaR]

Does he know you want no contact? He should know and he should respect your wishes. Either he’s not respecting your wishes or you haven’t made clear you want NC. 

[Alexa007]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

Does he know you want no contact? He should know and he should respect your wishes. Either he’s not respecting your wishes or you haven’t made clear you want NC. 

He asked me if he could still text me and I told him that this needed to be a clean break and that I wouldn't answer them.  He said he still wants me to know that he's thinking about me. He asked if he'd be able to hear my voice on occasion with a phone call and I told him, "no".. and reiterated that I want all aspects of the affair to end.  

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

"no".. and reiterated that I want all aspects of the affair to end.  

But apparently you do not or he would be blocked.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

He asked me if he could still text me and I told him that this needed to be a clean break and that I wouldn't answer them.  He said he still wants me to know that he's thinking about me. He asked if he'd be able to hear my voice on occasion with a phone call and I told him, "no".. and reiterated that I want all aspects of the affair to end.  

Eh, but your behaviour suggests otherwise.

If you really wanted it to end and not hear from him anymore, you would make that happen. But you're not. He knows it, and you know it.  Would you feel so "committed" to not responding if he suddenly stopped reaching out to you? Or would you panic and go looking for him? This decision to not reply to him (but not cut him off)  reads more like a power play on your part, if I'm being blunt. Not an actual desire to extricate yourself from it. 

You're still completely wrapped up in this affair. You need to get real with yourself about that. 

And be prepared for his wife to find out.  Too many people know. It's coming. 

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

He asked me if he could still text me and I told him that this needed to be a clean break and that I wouldn't answer them.  He said he still wants me to know that he's thinking about me. He asked if he'd be able to hear my voice on occasion with a phone call and I told him, "no".. and reiterated that I want all aspects of the affair to end.  

The classic MM response. He's still got you on the backburner so he knows he still has the upper hand and he knows you still want him to have it. The fact that you don't block him makes it abundantly clear that you want him, and he knows that because you won't block him. In reality you are both playing the same game, until one of you blocks and that's the end of it.

[Allupinnit]

You're strong with not responding NOW because he's still pinging you and you're getting the hit, and it's been ONE DAY.  Not responding also makes you feel powerful and you think it will make him try harder to be with you if you're suddenly out of reach.  

Do you have another job yet?  How were you discovered at work?  

Your first thread here was Nov of last year where everyone said you needed to quit that job and block him.  Now here you are and if anything you are worse off having not taken our advice and still trying to "end it gradually" because you won't take the firm steps to put this behind you, you're still playing games with this man who is costing you everything, your reputation, job, etc. 

[Alexa007]

37 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

You're strong with not responding NOW because he's still pinging you and you're getting the hit, and it's been ONE DAY.  Not responding also makes you feel powerful and you think it will make him try harder to be with you if you're suddenly out of reach.  

Do you have another job yet?  How were you discovered at work?  

Your first thread here was Nov of last year where everyone said you needed to quit that job and block him.  Now here you are and if anything you are worse off having not taken our advice and still trying to "end it gradually" because you won't take the firm steps to put this behind you, you're still playing games with this man who is costing you everything, your reputation, job, etc. 

I'm definitely very confused right now so I understand everyone's frustration with me. 

We worked for a family member (my family member, MM's family is like family with my family so he's basically family too 🙈 if that makes sense).  My step dad accused us one day, we denied it, but eventually came clean.  MM started actively looking at apartments, etc. 

I have since found a new job and night get a second part time one as long as I can find a schedule that doesn't interfere with time with my kids. 

I have started seeing a therapist and she's a great fit for me. I've only had one session so far but I'll be seeing her again this week.  

I'm so accustomed to him the game of him chasing me when I pull away that I'm numb to it. I don't feel powerful, I just want to gather my thoughts and clear my head. 

What I've got to decide asap, is if I'd give this man a chance when he's single. The war between the highs and lows is raging.  I was married when this all started, too, but I left (I don't regret that decision at all ... It was not a good marriage).  So, I'm not a once a cheater, always a cheater .... I'm a decent person who made a shitty choice.  

I assume any day now he'll get irritated and stop texting. I will be fine with that. We *do* have to communicate at some point due to a legal event that I can't expound on without revealing too many specifics, but it can certainly be done through email. 

I feel like, as soon as I can come to the decision that I would not date MM even if single, then I will be comfortable blocking. We will always be entertwined because of our families, though. There is part of me that still thinking of all the hopes and dreams we had and wonders if they could be. 

For now, I'm focusing on a few things: 

1) He's married, still. Right is right and wrong is wrong no matter what state he claims his marriage is in.

2) All the broken promises to "leave this week" yet here we are 4 months later and he hasn't left. 

3) The weight lifted off my shoulders right now not having to wonder when/if he's going to be able to carve out time for me, if he's doing something fun with his family, if he's going to text, etc. As hard as breaking up gas been, the weight of anxiety that comes with the role of "other woman" lifted immediately and it feels wonderful. 

4) The amount of lies and tales he has spun to keep her in the dark and keep me "happy"...  While I don't like to apply a label to someone for a mistake, could I ever really trust him?  I think I know the answer 😔.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Alexa007
Clarity

[Alexa007]

5 hours ago, NYAG said:

The classic MM response. He's still got you on the backburner so he knows he still has the upper hand and he knows you still want him to have it. The fact that you don't block him makes it abundantly clear that you want him, and he knows that because you won't block him. In reality you are both playing the same game, until one of you blocks and that's the end of it.

Fair enough.  I swear I'm getting there... It's just day 2 but I know the sooner the better. 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

I feel like, as soon as I can come to the decision that I would not date MM even if single, then I will be comfortable blocking.

You are still hanging on, you still have hope that this will come together and be your happily ever after…

53 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

We will always be entertwined because of our families, though.

That is what makes this infinitely more complicated and less likely to be a “happily ever after.” This is not just about the two of you. Your parents know and they are NOT pleased. At this point, his wife does not know and I’m assuming that your children do not know. You deceive yourself if you think he is going to file for divorce, you can *finally* be together, and everyone is going to fall into line… What you are likely looking at is broken and lost relationships - forever altered because your choices affect many other people. His wife will be angry. Your parents have already withdrawn and fired you from the family business. Your children may stop speaking with you. Are you prepared for the fall-out? Would it be worth it? 

Alexa, so glad you found a good counsellor. Definitely a good decision! I hope you are able to distract yourself and one day stretches into one week and then into one month… But, I think this is little more than a pause. You have taken a break, it’s all part of the game the two of you play, You are deep in the affair fog, and you still very much want the fantasy/happy ending. What you have yet to realize, even after losing your job, is that affairs cause carnage all around… particularly these kind of “close family friend” affairs. You haven’t even begin to experience the fall-out yet. 

[Alexa007]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You are still hanging on, you still have hope that this will come together and be your happily ever after…

That is what makes this infinitely more complicated and less likely to be a “happily ever after.” This is not just about the two of you. Your parents know and they are NOT pleased. At this point, his wife does not know and I’m assuming that your children do not know. You deceive yourself if you think he is going to file for divorce, you can *finally* be together, and everyone is going to fall into line… What you are likely looking at is broken and lost relationships - forever altered because your choices affect many other people. His wife will be angry. Your parents have already withdrawn and fired you from the family business. Your children may stop speaking with you. Are you prepared for the fall-out? Would it be worth it? 

Alexa, so glad you found a good counsellor. Definitely a good decision! I hope you are able to distract yourself and one day stretches into one week and then into one month… But, I think this is little more than a pause. You have taken a break, it’s all part of the game the two of you play, You are deep in the affair fog, and you still very much want the fantasy/happy ending. What you have yet to realize, even after losing your job, is that affairs cause carnage all around… particularly these kind of “close family friend” affairs. You haven’t even begin to experience the fall-out yet. 

I truly appreciate your perspective Bailey 💕. We're obviously strangers but you're taking the time to lay things out harshly and I actually appreciate that.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

I truly appreciate your perspective Bailey 💕. We're obviously strangers but you're taking the time to lay things out harshly and I actually appreciate that.

I don’t mean to be harsh, truly. 

The reality of the situation is that you have got yourself into a really tough situation here and you aren’t really seeing the consequences clearly. Hopefully, if you are able to keep some distance from this man and work with your counsellor, you can begin to develop a more realistic view of this relationship and make some different decisions for yourself. 

I’m rooting for you Alexa, I really am! But, I fear for you if you aren’t able to get honest with yourself and make some different decisions. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Alexa007 said:

What I've got to decide asap, is if I'd give this man a chance when he's single.

Why do you need to decide on a hypothetical? 

There's no sense wasting your time wrestling with that when you have no idea if the need to actually make that decision will ever arise. 

[pepperbird2]

It might be good idea to have a "go to" you can do if he texts. That way, it may be easier to ignore him.
I do agree that unless you block him, the temptation will be really high to engage. I wouldn't bee too concerned about being rude or hurting his feelings. The fact that he tries to contact you even after you asked him not to shows he has no respect for you or your feelings.

[Starswillshine]

Given all you have stated, I agree with all the posters above. This seems more of a "I'm going to show him I'm serious this time." and hope and pray he actually does leave this time. 

I'm sure you feel that everything will be great, and you two can ride off into the sunset after he finally divorces. BUT as Bailey has said, the fallout hasn't even happen. With all the families being intertwined, this relationship is tainted and I doubt will ever be able to be drama-free. It works in secret, but once it is out... in a small town with families involved, it will be tarnished and definitely not the fairytale you hope it to be. Love does not solve all problems, and I'm afraid even if things work the way you wish at this moment, the externals will be too much to overcome. 

[Bittersweetie]

On 6/27/2021 at 12:37 PM, Alexa007 said:

What I've got to decide asap, is if I'd give this man a chance when he's single.

No, no, no.

The last thing you should be thinking about is whether you'd give him a chance if he was single. That could be a year down the line, ten years, or never. 

What you should be making a priority is focusing on yourself and your healing. Asking yourself why you thought it was okay to get involved with someone else's husband, especially in a situation where everyone is so intertwined. Seriously, why did you think that was okay? I'm not asking to hammer you (I was a WS myself) but to get you thinking about your own actions and what kind of person you want to be moving forward.

[Amethyst68]

In your earlier threads you say your MM told you repeatedly he would never leave because of his children. What's changed? 

Mind you, this is the man who also ditched a vacation with said children to spend a week of bliss with you. This does not sound like a particularly good man. BTW I hope your own children weren't around during this time.

You also said both families were accepting(ish) of the relationship, now both mothers are actively against it. I'm guessing something happened to change their minds. 

I agree the wife's going to find out and it wouldn't surprise me if it was his mother who told her. After all the wife's the one taking care of her grandchildren. If not her then someone else will, it's almost guaranteed with the number of people you've both told. 

You need to be constant with NC along deleting and blocking all his contact information. You've made multiple attempts at this, you just take it day by day and you'll get there. 

If you feel like contacting him come here or start a journal do anything to distract yourself from messaging him.