How do you deal with 'keeping up with the joneses' when its relatives?

[lovers]

Me and one of my relatives are the same age so there has always been a bit of comparison growing up. Like who smarter, who got into better university, who is doing better in life, who makes more money this and that. Mainly from our parents and other relatives talking. I was always oblivious to it young.

My relative side of the family is like the kardashians and all about showing off which rubs off on my parents a bit. Little background is that family is upper middle class and both parents make above 6 figures. Their son is finishing up residency. Just give little insight on the showing off is that my parents one time bought a mercedes suv awhile back and my relative parents after seeing it bought a newer model suv similar to ours some months later. My family however make alot less money and aren't college educated. My relatives dad during family dinners constantly bragging about how much his son will make, how they will open a business, and all this grandiose statements. I feign happiness like good for him. It makes me feel some type of way hearing his dad constantly brag to me as I am a competitive person and him "doing well" makes me look bad which it does because like I said relatives compare us a lot and I don't want to feel like the "loser" so to speak. Plus it makes my parents push me more when I was younger. Like a competition basically.

So I am not doing too bad I make 6 figures with no college debt and decided to treat my parents to a vacation trip all paid for. My dad wants to show off posting pictures on facebook and all that jazz. Then my relative who is in residency post a picture of him buying his parents a brand new car lol which my dad showed me on his phone to make me jealous or something. I deleted facebook and don't follow any relatives on social media for crap like this yet I still deal with it in some way or another. I try to pretend to not care when my dad showed me this like good for him but its tough because it irritates me and makes me jealous.

I just find it funny that its always in a similar timeline like he has to one up me. It rubs off on my parents cause my mom mentioned how she wants a louis vuitton bag and my dad has been mentioning he wanted that car my relative got his parents. I wouldn't care about keeping up with the joneses if its with strangers, but with relatives and its constantly in your face. Its harder to deal with I feel like and your parents mentioning to you that they want this or that because they are the ones who see that side of the family the most. I can imagine they feel abit inferior hearing those relatives brag and show off all the time so I can understand where my parents are coming from. In one way you want to make your parents proud of you but its like an endless cycle.

[basil67]

Honestly?  I'd either distance myself from it all....or if I couldn't do that, I'd start talking to my parents about what's going on.   Perhaps you could talk some sense into them

[BaileyB]

My family was a little like this, in that my grandparents had their favourites and they fostered competition between grandchildren. Most of us dealt with it by distancing ourselves  - from them and from each other. We get along ok but everyone just does their own thing. 

5 hours ago, lovers said:

my mom mentioned how she wants a louis vuitton bag and my dad has been mentioning he wanted that car my relative got his parents.

This is your problem, you parents have bought in and you feel the pressure. I can never imagine my parents asking for a designer bag or a car. If anything, the wealth has moved the other way as they have gifted us some money along the way to help us pay for school and get established. Both my parents have been very clear - there is nothing they want or need from us but our time. We still struggle to buy them gifts every year, hard to do because they want for nothing, but then again… they are not trying to keep up with the Jones and if they are, they purchase what they want themselves. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

As you grow older all this will matter less and less and those parents will be more concerned about health issues and other more pressing matters than who has the latest model of vehicle. If you are not interested in certain topics, change the subject in conversation. If it continues to come up, mention tactfully your reasons for treating your parents and reinforce that it has nothing to do with what other people do. Keep reinforcing that thought and maintaining that a gift from you is not a competition with others. 

Start creating better boundaries and speak up or be more vocal about what you do and don't believe in. You don't have to be belligerent and argumentative but you can calmly state your point of view without offending anyone especially where it concerns a gift or something that involves you. For every other petty thing, give it less attention than what you would normally give it. 

I guarantee all your parents really care about deep down is that you're a successful, productive and independent member of society with your own bigger goals and hopes. Parents always want better for their children so don't lose sight of that and treat everything else as child's play. It doesn't matter and it's white noise. Live your life well. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by glows

[stillafool]

I hate to say it but sometimes family is a pain in the rear.

[ShyViolet]

You are not realizing that you don't have to play this "competition" game at all.  You are choosing to buy into this ridiculous idea that you are in a competition with your relatives.  You can remove yourself from the equation at any time by realizing how ridiculous this is.  You can and should simply refuse to engage in this "race" or competition with your relatives, stop being jealous over what they have.  Honestly that is very petty and immature.  Live your life and be confident in what you have and the choices you have made.  Everything you do doesn't need to be compared with others.

[d0nnivain]

Stop playing this game.  

If you earn a good salary with no debt you are ahead of the game.  Save for retirement & carry on.  

DH & I live in a modest house in a nice neighborhood.  In the past 2 years we have bought nice cars but only after confirming that we have retirement covered.  We also bought them used.  We go on vacations during the shoulder (cheaper) seasons, using points, groupon, staying in lesser but clean motels etc.   On occasion when I think gee my friend over there has so much money & feel jealous, I realize they are in debt & have no retirement.  

Stop treating it like a competition.  Go re-read the children's fable about the ant & the grasshopper.  Then keep doing you & stop keeping score.  

[Foxhall]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Go re-read the children's fable about the ant & the grasshopper.

Ah I remember my Mother reading me that!

have to mind yourself too.

[vla1120]

My ex-husband's family was like this, as well. They always compared my oldest daughters to one of her cousins. I snapped on them every time they made the comparison and they eventually stopped (or at least they didn't do it in front of me.) You have complete control over this situation. Success isn't measured by income, cars, handbags, vacations, or any of that. You have a good job with zero student loan debt. THAT is success! Happiness is success. If someone is constantly bragging and one-upping their relatives, friends, neighbors, it indicates to me they are not happy, which means they are NOT successful in life! You don't have to buy in to their dysfunction (and neither do your parents, and I would tell them so.)

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, where do I start?  There are people who have next to nothing in the world, why can't your family just be grateful for what they have got?

These are shallow matters.  If your family is comparing you with your relatives, then your family is shallow.  They have got caught up in material things.  I feel they should care for you just as you are and be thankful.

How do you deal with it?  You realise that you are a great person and your parents should not be comparing you with anyone else.  As for the relatives, they are shallow and ignorant.  Just ignore them.  Find out what really matters to you in life.  What do you really need?  If it is material goods, fair enough, that's you, but if it is love, care and happy memories, think twice about this fixation on achievement and material life.  

I can appreciate if you are surrounded by people who only seem to value high achievement and money, then it is easy to get caught up in that.  Maybe you should step out of that for a while and go and meet others who are not in that social environment?  It seems to me you need some perspective here.  It is hard to go against your peers and family but I think it would help you if you realised you do not have to share their values and 'signs' of achievement.  So far, you have bought into this, but you do have a choice.

 

[jnel921]

On 6/27/2021 at 9:12 AM, BaileyB said:

Both my parents have been very clear - there is nothing they want or need from us but our time.

This is how it should be. We try to teach our kids to be successful, not flashy. They shouldn't have to prove or compete for anything or with anyone. What I value is our time  together and the experiences we share. When my H and I go on vacation, we hear from the haters too and the family members wanting to join. Just today my H got a text from his sister saying she is stressed and needs a vacation. So what are we supposed to do? Fund this? hell no. Do what we do, work hard, save, play hard and enjoy life.