Ex GF suddenly has no feelings for me but suddenly feelings for Ex BF. I feel used and miserable

[Hope_217]

Hi,

she broke up with me on Monday. In advance sorry for the long text. It hit me very hard, but a few things happened the days and the time before that I would like to write down my story. On the one hand, this helps me to arrange everything chronologically for me and on the other hand, I would also be interested in the opinion of uninvolved parties.

I met her in February and the first date was already something very special, I have not felt so on the same wavelength with anyone until then, it felt very familiar very quickly. Because we quickly realized that it was important to us, we took it slow and got to know each other better over the weeks bit by bit through very nice dates and daily writing on WhatsApp and Insta. We then got closer for the first time at the end of March and were then together from April until last week. It was a very beautiful and for both of us from the intensity and feelings something unprecedented.

The 3 words followed and we had a carefree, wonderful time, made plans for the future because we were just so sure and it felt like fate. We had such a great intersection, many views we shared, stimulating conversations about all kinds of topics and feelings, had great activities and even the intimate was something unprecedented and it just matched. She told me that it was much more than what she had felt with her previous partners and I felt the same way. In general I would say that we both are emotionally quite intelligent people that have realistic expetations in a relationship and in general could communicate everything very clearly. We were in daily contact, sent each other many voice messages and memes, but almost always saw each other only on the weekends, which was perfectly okay for us, because we both just had an exam-intensive phase, or each took time during the week for their things.

Anyway, in the last 2 weeks I felt a change in behavior with her. I am aware (and it was us after an interim, good conversation also) that this initial level to maintain was utopian. But I must say that piece by piece she has distanced herself somewhat and I noticed that she is slipping away from me. I also read a lot of books and online about the topic of closeness and distance at that time and knew that it was good not to press her and to be relaxed. I really tried and didn't stress her out either. Anyway, I noticed that she didn't answer me as fast as she used to and also didn't come as often, that she would miss me, etc. Also when she was here she hardly cuddled with me and sat for example on the sofa 2 meters next to me. We had talked about it and agreed that a little space is okay and you can't stick to each other like in the beginning. I must say that I am already a person in need of closeness, but now not exaggerated. Anyway, I also noticed that she was always more on her cell phone when she was here and writing with a male friend (which totally legit of course) but also in general I had the feeling that she was no longer as in love as I might be with her. She almost never initiated holding hands in public and introducing me to her parents was also an issue up until then and then, even for her mom's birthday, it suddenly wasn't an issue at all anymore, at least not something she came to me with. And also it felt like I was no longer a priority, as she for example never asked if I wanted to join her at activities with friends etc. I know, how important a life apart from the SO is and I didn't want to rush things, so I did't bother and waited if something comes from her side.

Don't get me wrong, all these things are just small examples that are not bad in themselves, but the sum of all these little things in the last few weeks have triggered a strong feeling of insecurity in me and also a strong fear of loss, which of course I have not let on. But we have also been able to talk openly about it (and all other topics) and that this connection is something special for us and closeness and distance or a relationship happens in waves and we do not want to stress ourselves. She assured me that everything is okay because I also asked her in between if everything is okay. I also had a short relationship last year where the partner had distanced herself and then abruptly and coldly broke up with me, so this fear of loss and especially - the fear that history repeats itself - came up and of course I wanted to avoid that. In the end, my fears, which I tried to fight as best as I could, caused all of that. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But she also gave me reasons to worry.

Last Friday I asked her who this male friend was and if it was really just a friend (which I realize was a huge mistake, but the excessive writing with him over the last weeks when she was with me in combination with all the other stuff led me to it) she reacted a little upset and then felt bad that she was sorry and didn't want to disappoint me all the time and of course it was just a friend. I asked her this mainly because the other night she was with him for a few hours until late at night and wasn't even online, it just gave me a stupid feeling. We talked it over, I apologised and then had another good conversation. The next day we went for a walk and ice cream, and even then she was short tempered, didn't seek closeness etc. on her own. I asked her if everything was okay and if she was annoyed with me. She responded annoyed and assured me that everything was fine. We had a nice time afterwards and when we got home she started moaning and arguing with herself and was in a bad mood. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was sorry and wanted to go home and write diary, because that always helps her in general and also in such moments to get things straight. I agreed and told her that she should not stress and that we can talk about it tomorrow or whenever she wants in a relaxed way.

She then came the next day, was generally colder again and told me that she doubted the relationship and that also - regardless of that - she had realized on Friday (when she told me she is having a down today and is thinking about the past, before she came home to me) that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend. That pulled the rug out from under me because that was totally unexpected. She had actually described the "ex" as more of a casual affair at the time earlier when we talked about it, and I then asked if they were really together, and she said yes and no. She said she had left him for me yes (she left him, after our 2nd date, so that can't be right) and had also told me at the time that while it was fun with him, her soul didn't feel as comfortable as it did with me and would have ended it anyway. After that he was also never again a topic, that's why it had surprised me so. She also told me that she has not such a connection with him as with me. We then had quite a good conversation, and she then said at some point whether it would be okay if she goes home and writes diary again. I wrote to her two hours later to ask if she could sit down and write something in the diary. She wrote me later that she was still at her ex-boyfriend at home (3 hours) and wanted to apologize to him and they have talked. (Note: In the conversation before she told me that she has feeling of guilt, because of the reason they broke up, she had unrealisticlly high expectations and that she realized over the last months that a SO does NOT have to fulfill all needs, something like that. So she wanted to apologize because he was right, something like that..)

I was shocked when I read that, because she has told me nothing about it and went directly from me to him, without telling me just what. So we talked on the phone and I asked her what this is about and why she lied to me. She said she wasn't lying to me and only wrote him when she left here and that it was spontaneous. But she wasn't online the last time after that, but when she was with me. I know that sounds controlling now, but I saw it because she didn't check in until after that. So she wasn't telling me the truth and I had a bad feeling in general. During the phone call, one of the things she told me was that he also still had feelings. Great.

She then came home to me the next evening and told me she no longer had feelings for me. Or no longer so that she would want to continue this relationship. I asked her if she had more feelings for him and she said it was rather different, she had to think of their time together and was attracted to him. And that she has been doubting for a while whether this should have been a relationship with us two, because since then it became more "uptight" at some point and that harmed our soulmate connection (yes, a relationship always has its ups and downs). That it was more anxiety-driven than love-driven the last 2 weeks (I partially agree with her, but we were actually able to resolve it well and still had a good time and could talk about fears).

This was also all so in contrast to the things she had been saying all these weeks about how happy she was with me, that we still had a long, beautiful life together ahead of us and that she was looking forward to the time when we both had more time for each other after the exams. I tried to convince her, of course, that we could work on it and make it work, but she said she wanted to be fair to me and that she thought we could, but didn't know if she wanted to or could. I told her I would give her the time to think and she left, we hugged goodbye and she seemed relieved. I strongly suspect she went to the ex after that since she doesn't live at my place and had her bag with her, regardless of the other bag she only used to take her last things. I know he is living quite close to my area, as she told me earlier. Apart from that she told me that she still thinks we are soulmates and it would be a pity for her loosing me. I think she just wanted to cut it off, as quickly as she could, actions speak louder than words.

I know I have made my mistakes. And I rather wrote the negative things in this text, of course apart from that we mostly had a great time! I was easygoing and didn't constrain her either (apart from asking these mentioned things), and she said herself that she was surprised that she directly lost feelings over such small things. Of course, I could have behaved differently, but her behavior lately sometimes made me feel that she just distanced herself from it somehow, or that something is going on. Regarding the ex, I now have the certainty. I only blame myself that my behavior has triggered all this. On the other hand, I can not understand why she throws everything away directly, we have never argued before and if she really would love me as the months before said (which I really believed), then she would not throw it all so quickly and directly lose feelings, because I asked her a few things? In general, I just have the feeling that she was very sure of me and generally just lost the attraction. I always gave her the feeling of certainty and to be there for her, she also felt understood like by no one else in the world. Maybe I gave too much? I know that in many situations I certainly could have reacted a bit more relaxed. But I felt so uncomfortable with these things and her sudden change in behaviour, although I tried to not give in. Anyway, I've also seen under a post on Instagram few days later that the guy commented under her photo. She seems to live her life with friends and rather feels relieved, I would suppose. It hurts so much, because we were each others world and had so many plans.

I feel used, worthless and thrown away. That all of a sudden she is so cold, supposedly has no feelings for me at all anymore and has feelings for her "ex-boyfriend" (which she realisized before the things that happended on the weekend), is now probably involved with him and I am no longer worth anything in her life. I know this was a comparatively short relationship, but just given all the circumstances and how good our communication culture was, our perspectives and all the other circumstances and potential, it just feels awful. She also said that she thought it was incredibly unfortunate, but she also didn't want to force feelings. She picked up her things and said she needed time but doesn't know yet how long it will take. I know that there will most likely be no comeback, especially after the thing with her ex. The love of my life, gone and with someone else, through my fault. Anyone would say I'm brainwashed and should never take her back, but I still have a little residual hope. Even though I know it's not realistic and also stupid and she will not come back by 99% chance. I am in no contact with her and have also resolved to follow through this.

Anyway, the guilt is destroying me. That what would have been if I had not said this and that. I know that life does not always work like that and there are always two people involved. But I blame myself for driving her further and further away from me through my insecure, at times needy and unmanly behavior and for driving her back into the arms of her ex. The love of my life, gone and with someone else, through my fault. It really kills me having all these pictures in my head.

I know that this text was very long and detailed in places. And also sorry for the english, I am not a native speaker. But it helped me to write it down.

Of course I talked to friends and acquaintances, but I would also appreciate your feedback. I don't want to go through something like this a third time.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am really sorry you're hurt, OP. 

She sounds shady, sorry to say. That male friend she was always talking to was almost certainly her ex and she was seeing you both at the same time, trying to keep her two worlds from colliding. It's obvious. You were not wrong to ask who she was talking to all the time, dude. Any boyfriend would wonder who's got their lady's attention. Not wanting to be affectionate in public? She has probably been lying to him about being single and didn't want him finding out about you. Around the time she started to get impatient and distant with you was when she started seeing him again more regularly, mark my words. 

1 hour ago, Hope_217 said:

But I blame myself for driving her further and further away from me through my insecure, at times needy and unmanly behavior and for driving her back into the arms of her ex.

This is not your fault, so get these thoughts out of your head. Your "unmanly" behaviour has zero to do with this. This was out of your hands completely, actually. She wasn't done with this guy when she started seeing you. And she evidently never really let him go. Sometimes we blame ourselves as a way of feeling like we have control over the outcome, that if we had only said this or that, or done X or Y. But you have no control over her flakiness, indecisivenes, and frankly quite immature behaviour. Running to her diary to resolve life problems is for teenagers, not for grown women. Yes, a diary or journal can help clarify our thoughts and release stress, but it was not the solution to issues like this. It speaks to her overall mindset though, and it's fairly juvenile. 

This chick was not the love of your life, man. Far from it. She has a lot of growing up to do, and in time, you'll see that you're not missing much here. I don't mean to downplay your own feelings, but this was the honeymoon phase. That's almost always exciting and thrilling. It's the stuff that comes after that which gives us a real sense of the person, and whether they're life-partner-material. She was not. 

You will be okay in time. Don't have any further contact with her, and pace yourself a little more in the future. Don't get too wrapped up in the "love of my life" narrative before you've seen someone through 4 seasons. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Hope_217]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am really sorry you're hurt, OP. 

She sounds shady, sorry to say. That male friend she was always talking to was almost certainly her ex and she was seeing you both at the same time, trying to keep her two worlds from colliding. It's obvious. Around the time she started to get impatient and distant with you was when she started seeing him again. 

This is not your fault, so get these thoughts out of your head. Your "unmanly" behaviour has zero to do with this. This was out of your hands completely, actually. She wasn't done with this guy when she started seeing you. And she evidently never really let him go. Sometimes we blame ourselves as a way of feeling like we have control over the outcome, that if we had only said this or that, or done X or Y. But you have no control over her flakiness, indecisivenes, and frankly quite immature behaviour. Running to her diary to resolve life problems is for teenagers, not for grown women. Yes, a diary or journal can help clarify our thoughts and release stress, but it was not the solution to issues like this. It speaks to her overall mindset though, and it's fairly juvenile. 

This chick was not the love of your life, man. Far from it. She has a lot of growing up to do, and in time, you'll see that you're not missing much here. I don't mean to downplay your own feelings, but this was the honeymoon phase. That's almost always exciting and thrilling. It's the stuff that comes after that which gives us a real sense of the person, and whether they're life-partner-material. She was not. 

You will be okay in time. Don't have any further contact with her, and pace yourself a little more in the future. Don't get too wrapped up in the "love of my life" narrative before you've seen someone through 4 seasons. 

Thank you so much. Appreciate it..

[Acacia98]

I agree with ExpatInItaly. Your blaming yourself for triggering her actions does not make sense under the circumstances. It sounds like she monkey branched from her relationship with her ex to the one with you and then back again to him. That seems like a pattern to me. She's probably going to monkey branch to someone else (possibly you) in a few months.

If there's any lesson to be learned from this, it's that you should steer clear of women who have just broken up with their exes or who left their exes to be with you. That kind of woman is bound to have unfinished business with her ex. Its possible that she's simply running away from conflict or an uncomfortable conversation and will eventually start to regret leaving him. Then where does that leave you?

Please block her everywhere so that you can recover in relative peace. Because she sounds like the sort of person who will "change her mind", seek you out, and then take you round in circles before dumping you again (if you allow her to).

Edited to add:

That you seemed to have so much in common and were "soulmates" before she decided to move on drastically suggests to me that her feelings are actually on the shallow side and that she was mirroring your emotions and preferences during the honeymoon phase.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hope_217 said:

I met her in February .in the last 2 weeks I felt a change in behavior with her. I also noticed that she was always more on her cell phone when she was here and writing with a male friend.

Sorry this happened. Dating 20 weeks is a good time to notice red flags, deal-breakers and incompatibility.

How long before you started dating did they supposedly break up? How old is she?

Unfortunately getting caught in her on/off nonsense with her ex is a headache and heartache you don't need. 

That's why she was hot/cold.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Hope_217]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Dating 20 weeks is a good time to notice red flags, deal-breakers and incompatibility.

How long before you started dating did they supposedly break up? How old is she?

Unfortunately getting caught in her on/off nonsense with her ex is a headache and heartache you don't need. 

That's why she was hot/cold.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

She told me before our second date that she has to end something (she not mentioned is was her boyfriend, rather something else). After our second date she collected stuff so I highly doubt that after our first date she made the decision to end it with him, as she stated later (when she said she kinda broke up with him for me). So in conclusion I have a feeling she was not always honest with me or now is twisting things to her favor.

Well, so 2 months after they broke up we were officially together, but dated after the breakup. She is 22.

I really struggle doing that, although I know, it would be the best.