Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Mark you as his...hickey...do you see that this all seems a little drastic? Who gives hickeys anymore? How do you know he was going to do that? 

Because he admitted that's what he wanted to do. And asked me why l did not want. Are you reading my posts? And he insisted again on making a mark on me. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It can be low self-esteem, too. Kind of "anybody who holds me in high regard and makes me a priority must have something wrong with him, since I'm not really worth much." Yet another possibility is when a person derp down doesn't want a relationship, so she'll subconsciously concentrate on the relationships that won't work out. Constantly striving can sometimes be our way of distracting ourselves from what is really going on. Never really having a relationship that isn't fraught with constant striving can keep the person from really getting hurt because s/he will never really have that commitment anyway.

I'm no shrink, but while some people like a degree of challenge, it is probably a heads up of some deeper issue if the person automatically knows she's going to "run" as soon as she is secure in knowing he is interested in her.

Good points.. But I guess it’s a lot of things. The more I think about it.. it may just be burn out.  Like going on a ton of first dates/coffee and having little luck, that’s exhausting.. so instead of wanting to go back to square one, you’d rather just take the most attractive option you’ve already explored/person you dig and run with it. Because a little interest from someone you were interested in, even if they showed a bunch of red flags and regurgitated love poems, is better than starting over. Except it’s not. In  that case, I think I’d recommend either filtering way harder  before the first date, even if that means less dates, or take a break/work on things /reset. 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 when you were in angst for pages worth of posts the whole time. This story...or really, your perceptions...

*You* had the wrong perception of my thread. I said many times l enjoyed the poems, that l liked him, that l had the best date with him. l was simply unsure about initiating a second date. Yes at some point l grew tired of the lack of meaningful conversation but that took a turn. I was hoping he would initiate a 2nd date but when he sent me *we should do something* on Friday l started thinking maybe this whole time he was waiting for me to initiate, for what ever reasons, men go through rejection as well.

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Like going on a ton of first dates/coffee and having little luck, that’s exhausting..

It’s only exhausting if you have the wrong expectations. Going into OLD you know most are not going to be compatible, and Gaeta knows this too. In my opinion, she’s investing too much mental and emotional energy into these early stages if these threads are any indication. Just have to relax and not analyze so much. 

[Allupinnit]

You like poet guy because he gives you angst and uncertainty.  Anxiety pushes your buttons.  "We should do something" is not asking for a date.  You then went ahead and picked up the slack.  

 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s only exhausting if you have the wrong expectations. Going into OLD you know most are not going to be compatible, and Gaeta knows this too. In my opinion, she’s investing too much mental and emotional energy into these early stages if these threads are any indication. Just have to relax and not analyze so much. 

 Good points. I think Gaeta wants a LTR and she says she feels better in a relationship and prefers the comfort of a familiar relationship  ..  I feel like her expectation is to find a man she’s into who fits those shoes in minimal time … so when you’re going on a bunch ( I think she said like over 200 overall has not been unheard ofof dates not for the fun of it, but for the long game,  getting ready and driving to go get coffee with 200+ people sounds and no luck sounds freaking exhausting 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

He likes her... 🤷 Didn't Poetry Guy text on a Sunday?

I don't know if poetry guy texted Gaeta on Sunday... but body guard guy saw her Saturday night, seems a bit desperate and needy to be texting that early the next day -- Sunday.

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date, seems like the body guard guy needs reassurance.

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't know if poetry guy texted Gaeta on Sunday... but body guard guy saw her Saturday night, seems a bit desperate and needy to be texting that early the next day -- Sunday.

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date, seems like the body guard guy needs reassurance.

Well, I don't know. If you read the first post, Gaeta literally texted Poetry Guy when she got home from their date. Poetry Guy asked her to. So...they didn't even wait until morning, much less the next day.

From there she said

"From there he [Poetry Guy] initiates communications every day"

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date...Gaeta thought she did, when it was Poetry Guy. 

So if you're asking ME...no, I don't believe you need to be in constant contact immediately.

If you're asking Gaeta...I think that depends on whether she wants it to be a red flag.

Edited July 4, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Happy Lemming]

18 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date...Gaeta thought she did, when it was Poetry Guy. 

So if you're asking ME...no, I don't believe you need to be in constant contact immediately.

If you're asking Gaeta...I think that depends on whether she wants it to be a red flag.

Maybe @Gaeta will chime in and give us her thoughts.

I can tell you I never called a woman at 8:00am on Sunday morning after a Saturday night date.

I can only think of one instance where the woman wanted me to call (her) to make sure I made it home after a date. That was during a surprise snow storm that blew in while we were in the movies.  Other than that, I've never acknowledged getting home from a date.

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Maybe @Gaeta will chime in and give us her thoughts.

I can tell you I never called a woman at 8:00am on Sunday morning after a Saturday night date.

I can only think of one instance where the woman wanted me to call (her) to make sure I made it home after a date. That was during a surprise snow storm that blew in while we were in the movies.  Other than that, I've never acknowledged getting home from a date.

I see what you are saying but it is not incredibly unusual in the context of online dating, hip phones, textlationships. Usually when you get up,  you check your online dating profile and then you shout out to all of the people that you are online dating. It just takes a quick second so it’s not really that unusual people do that . Not the trad thing where you waited 1-3 days to make a phone call 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

"From there he [Poetry Guy] initiates communications every day"

It feels like you have a pre-conceived idea and you push it anyway you can without properly reading my story. You come across, to me, as very insincere. 

There is a huge difference between sending 1 message a day (poet man) and texting non stop like Bguard, and double, tripple text if l don't reply right away.

Edited July 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It feels like you have a pre-conceived idea and you push it anyway you can without properly reading my story. You come across, to me, as very insincere. 

There is a huge difference between sending 1 message a day (poet man) and texting non stop like Bguard, and double, tripple text if l don't reply right away.

I don’t know why this is your impression but I literally am just repeating what you said. If you feel there is a big difference then that is what you feel.

I also do not recall your saying “double, sometimes triple texting” so I’ll have to look back. ETA: no, I don’t see you having said that. You said he called and then texted asking if you were there.  I mean we can all only form opinions based on what you’re saying. You can’t really get irritated that nobody knew he was “triple texting” when you never said he had.

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not. If you really just want support that, yes, Poet Guy sounds great, no red flags, personally I can’t really do that. I don’t know what else to say except good luck and I hope it all works out the way you want. I feel you don’t want real opinions so I think I’m fine but I really do hope you eventually work out what is at the root of all this…good luck and be happy.

Edited July 4, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not.

Ok, that's fair, l will be more detailed. 

[Sun Seeker]

Some posters seem to be interpreting @Gaeta's posts very... Differently...

100% give bodyguard guy a big swerve, you are right about the trust issues. It will only get worse in future if you continue.

Poet guy seems interesting.. maybe a bit clueless and aloof when it comes to dating etiquette, or inexperienced, but definitely has a soft spot for you. Worth going on the second date. Then you will have a better idea if his style is something you want, or if you need a bit more of a man man.

[Wiseman2]

Ok if you had to rate poetry man and the other guy where would you place them?

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok if you had to rate poetry man and the other guy where would you place them?

Rate them in terms of what? 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Poet guy seems interesting.. maybe a bit clueless and aloof when it comes to dating etiquette, or inexperienced, but definitely has a soft spot for you. Worth going on the second date..

 

👍👍

Edited July 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

In terms of how much you like them

Edited July 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In terms of how much you like them

I like Poet man more, he's more my type in terms of personality, looks, conversations, vibe between us, humor.

B'guard is a good man, good father, goes to Church every Sunday, takes care of his elderly mother, those are things that impress me. I could grow attraction l think.

But at this very moment,  l am looking forward to spend more time with Poet man, not b'guard.

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don’t know why this is your impression but I literally am just repeating what you said. If you feel there is a big difference then that is what you feel.

I also do not recall your saying “double, sometimes triple texting” so I’ll have to look back. ETA: no, I don’t see you having said that. You said he called and then texted asking if you were there.  I mean we can all only form opinions based on what you’re saying. You can’t really get irritated that nobody knew he was “triple texting” when you never said he had.

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not. If you really just want support that, yes, Poet Guy sounds great, no red flags, personally I can’t really do that. I don’t know what else to say except good luck and I hope it all works out the way you want. I feel you don’t want real opinions so I think I’m fine but I really do hope you eventually work out what is at the root of all this…good luck and be happy.

I literally lost a close friend over this stuff. The last guy that she was talking to when we were talking was doing a similar thing.. as in sending her romantic memes and stupid sparkly gifs like “if I’m a star you are the sky” type stuff.. she was forwarding it to me at one point like I was supposed to be impressed xD  I was like Wow that’s some really weak simp game if I’ve ever seen it. How is this even  working on you lol. But yea on top of that he was also  inconsistent, falling off the map for long periods of time. But she found him so appealing .  Truthfully I think she just thought he was quite hot. 
 

I’d be more inclined to call him a poet if he does some poetry jam sessions and his stuff is original …but her guy was sending low effort copied stuff.. but anyway, she didn’t like my opinion on him, but I couldn’t pretend to be amused especially considering this was a pattern for this friend.   Found out on Xmas on last year he actually was living with his “baby momma” and I called it. I didn’t gloat at all but really learned the value of giving my true opinion and how at a certain point even the bare balls truth is not appreciated xD 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Eternal Sunshine]

We like who we like. It has nothing to do with angst and anxiety and uncertainty.

Gaeta posted that she likes the poet guy right after the date. She had no idea how it will pan out or that he won't ask her out again.

After the Bguard date, she was rationalizing. He was "good on paper" but she wasn't feeling it. It was obvious from her post. Women should learn to listen to those gut feelings more. There is way too much pushing to make it work with someone that is "good on paper" and that others think is a "reasonable choice". Usually there is some creep factor involved even if it is not articulated or clear at that early stage of dating.

Of course it's obvious what happened then. We all try to minimize "red flags" when we are attracted to someone. We all try to invent "red flags" when we are not attracted to someone. We like to justify our choices to others even though there is no need for any justification.

If poet guy proceeded to ask her out and things were going well, I bet Gaeta would be even more into him. She is not into him because he gives her anxiety/uncertainty. She is willing to be more forgiving because she is attracted to him and enjoys spending time with him. Sometimes, things are really simple and there is no need to over-analyze them.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I think it was because she initially talked about the bguard like she was really into him too…and the date went well..  and he seemed a lot more active in his interest so the only distinction seemed to be the other guys wishy washy, weird, inconsistent behavior. Hence the theory. But yea, as more was revealed, it’s become clear that she wasn’t as into the the bodyguard, so he doesn’t get the pass on the flag other guy gets, and fair enough . I do think,, being on dating forums long enough and accepting that  interest can raise interest (if does for me too),  it can work the other way for some people. Personally find a little mystery and uncertainty exciting too… just not to the extent displayed by this guy, would turn my right  off 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

She also said daughter said she “runs from people who like her” 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She also said daughter said she “runs from people who like her” 

Not exactly.  Another example of my words being twisted.

We talked about wanting to run away from men that are into us. She understood l meant running away from men that show neediness. She said she's the same, and we are pretty much all the same. 

[Miss Spider]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I told my oldest daugther last night that when l meet a man that's into me it makes me wanna run away.

Sorry I misunderstood what you meant. Since you clarify you mean too into you/needy, I think it’s easy to say if someone we like becomes needy it wouldn’t bother us, because we like them/they  aren’t being needy at that time . Having experienced the flip I can say fantasy is a lot diff than reality. But perhaps you would feel differently 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough