Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[Happy Lemming]

18 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date...Gaeta thought she did, when it was Poetry Guy. 

So if you're asking ME...no, I don't believe you need to be in constant contact immediately.

If you're asking Gaeta...I think that depends on whether she wants it to be a red flag.

Maybe @Gaeta will chime in and give us her thoughts.

I can tell you I never called a woman at 8:00am on Sunday morning after a Saturday night date.

I can only think of one instance where the woman wanted me to call (her) to make sure I made it home after a date. That was during a surprise snow storm that blew in while we were in the movies.  Other than that, I've never acknowledged getting home from a date.

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Maybe @Gaeta will chime in and give us her thoughts.

I can tell you I never called a woman at 8:00am on Sunday morning after a Saturday night date.

I can only think of one instance where the woman wanted me to call (her) to make sure I made it home after a date. That was during a surprise snow storm that blew in while we were in the movies.  Other than that, I've never acknowledged getting home from a date.

I see what you are saying but it is not incredibly unusual in the context of online dating, hip phones, textlationships. Usually when you get up,  you check your online dating profile and then you shout out to all of the people that you are online dating. It just takes a quick second so it’s not really that unusual people do that . Not the trad thing where you waited 1-3 days to make a phone call 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

"From there he [Poetry Guy] initiates communications every day"

It feels like you have a pre-conceived idea and you push it anyway you can without properly reading my story. You come across, to me, as very insincere. 

There is a huge difference between sending 1 message a day (poet man) and texting non stop like Bguard, and double, tripple text if l don't reply right away.

Edited July 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It feels like you have a pre-conceived idea and you push it anyway you can without properly reading my story. You come across, to me, as very insincere. 

There is a huge difference between sending 1 message a day (poet man) and texting non stop like Bguard, and double, tripple text if l don't reply right away.

I don’t know why this is your impression but I literally am just repeating what you said. If you feel there is a big difference then that is what you feel.

I also do not recall your saying “double, sometimes triple texting” so I’ll have to look back. ETA: no, I don’t see you having said that. You said he called and then texted asking if you were there.  I mean we can all only form opinions based on what you’re saying. You can’t really get irritated that nobody knew he was “triple texting” when you never said he had.

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not. If you really just want support that, yes, Poet Guy sounds great, no red flags, personally I can’t really do that. I don’t know what else to say except good luck and I hope it all works out the way you want. I feel you don’t want real opinions so I think I’m fine but I really do hope you eventually work out what is at the root of all this…good luck and be happy.

Edited July 4, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not.

Ok, that's fair, l will be more detailed. 

[Sun Seeker]

Some posters seem to be interpreting @Gaeta's posts very... Differently...

100% give bodyguard guy a big swerve, you are right about the trust issues. It will only get worse in future if you continue.

Poet guy seems interesting.. maybe a bit clueless and aloof when it comes to dating etiquette, or inexperienced, but definitely has a soft spot for you. Worth going on the second date. Then you will have a better idea if his style is something you want, or if you need a bit more of a man man.

[Wiseman2]

Ok if you had to rate poetry man and the other guy where would you place them?

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok if you had to rate poetry man and the other guy where would you place them?

Rate them in terms of what? 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Poet guy seems interesting.. maybe a bit clueless and aloof when it comes to dating etiquette, or inexperienced, but definitely has a soft spot for you. Worth going on the second date..

 

👍👍

Edited July 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

In terms of how much you like them

Edited July 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In terms of how much you like them

I like Poet man more, he's more my type in terms of personality, looks, conversations, vibe between us, humor.

B'guard is a good man, good father, goes to Church every Sunday, takes care of his elderly mother, those are things that impress me. I could grow attraction l think.

But at this very moment,  l am looking forward to spend more time with Poet man, not b'guard.

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don’t know why this is your impression but I literally am just repeating what you said. If you feel there is a big difference then that is what you feel.

I also do not recall your saying “double, sometimes triple texting” so I’ll have to look back. ETA: no, I don’t see you having said that. You said he called and then texted asking if you were there.  I mean we can all only form opinions based on what you’re saying. You can’t really get irritated that nobody knew he was “triple texting” when you never said he had.

I mean…I can’t figure out whether you really want input or not. If you really just want support that, yes, Poet Guy sounds great, no red flags, personally I can’t really do that. I don’t know what else to say except good luck and I hope it all works out the way you want. I feel you don’t want real opinions so I think I’m fine but I really do hope you eventually work out what is at the root of all this…good luck and be happy.

I literally lost a close friend over this stuff. The last guy that she was talking to when we were talking was doing a similar thing.. as in sending her romantic memes and stupid sparkly gifs like “if I’m a star you are the sky” type stuff.. she was forwarding it to me at one point like I was supposed to be impressed xD  I was like Wow that’s some really weak simp game if I’ve ever seen it. How is this even  working on you lol. But yea on top of that he was also  inconsistent, falling off the map for long periods of time. But she found him so appealing .  Truthfully I think she just thought he was quite hot. 
 

I’d be more inclined to call him a poet if he does some poetry jam sessions and his stuff is original …but her guy was sending low effort copied stuff.. but anyway, she didn’t like my opinion on him, but I couldn’t pretend to be amused especially considering this was a pattern for this friend.   Found out on Xmas on last year he actually was living with his “baby momma” and I called it. I didn’t gloat at all but really learned the value of giving my true opinion and how at a certain point even the bare balls truth is not appreciated xD 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Eternal Sunshine]

We like who we like. It has nothing to do with angst and anxiety and uncertainty.

Gaeta posted that she likes the poet guy right after the date. She had no idea how it will pan out or that he won't ask her out again.

After the Bguard date, she was rationalizing. He was "good on paper" but she wasn't feeling it. It was obvious from her post. Women should learn to listen to those gut feelings more. There is way too much pushing to make it work with someone that is "good on paper" and that others think is a "reasonable choice". Usually there is some creep factor involved even if it is not articulated or clear at that early stage of dating.

Of course it's obvious what happened then. We all try to minimize "red flags" when we are attracted to someone. We all try to invent "red flags" when we are not attracted to someone. We like to justify our choices to others even though there is no need for any justification.

If poet guy proceeded to ask her out and things were going well, I bet Gaeta would be even more into him. She is not into him because he gives her anxiety/uncertainty. She is willing to be more forgiving because she is attracted to him and enjoys spending time with him. Sometimes, things are really simple and there is no need to over-analyze them.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I think it was because she initially talked about the bguard like she was really into him too…and the date went well..  and he seemed a lot more active in his interest so the only distinction seemed to be the other guys wishy washy, weird, inconsistent behavior. Hence the theory. But yea, as more was revealed, it’s become clear that she wasn’t as into the the bodyguard, so he doesn’t get the pass on the flag other guy gets, and fair enough . I do think,, being on dating forums long enough and accepting that  interest can raise interest (if does for me too),  it can work the other way for some people. Personally find a little mystery and uncertainty exciting too… just not to the extent displayed by this guy, would turn my right  off 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

She also said daughter said she “runs from people who like her” 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She also said daughter said she “runs from people who like her” 

Not exactly.  Another example of my words being twisted.

We talked about wanting to run away from men that are into us. She understood l meant running away from men that show neediness. She said she's the same, and we are pretty much all the same. 

[Miss Spider]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I told my oldest daugther last night that when l meet a man that's into me it makes me wanna run away.

Sorry I misunderstood what you meant. Since you clarify you mean too into you/needy, I think it’s easy to say if someone we like becomes needy it wouldn’t bother us, because we like them/they  aren’t being needy at that time . Having experienced the flip I can say fantasy is a lot diff than reality. But perhaps you would feel differently 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

There is a song on my playlist that says "there is no such a thing as too much" when you like someone. If l liked B'guard his attention wouldn't bother me.

On the other end, l was not into my ex when l met him but he gave me just enough space to grow interest between date 1-2-3.

[Miss Spider]

I could see how that proposition. “No such thing as too much if you like someone” could be accepted as true ^^. It’s unfalsifiable.. because if you like them they won’t seem like too much and if they start being too much, you will stop liking them haha. 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta Any update on your second "Poetry Guy" date??

How did it go??

Did you have fun??

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Gaeta Any update on your second "Poetry Guy" date??

How did it go??

Did you have fun??

We have dinner tonight. 😊

 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We have dinner tonight. 😊

 

My bad... I thought it was last night.

Good luck... hope you have a nice time!!

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

We like who we like. It has nothing to do with angst and anxiety and uncertainty.

Gaeta posted that she likes the poet guy right after the date. She had no idea how it will pan out or that he won't ask her out again.

After the Bguard date, she was rationalizing. He was "good on paper" but she wasn't feeling it. It was obvious from her post. Women should learn to listen to those gut feelings more. There is way too much pushing to make it work with someone that is "good on paper" and that others think is a "reasonable choice". Usually there is some creep factor involved even if it is not articulated or clear at that early stage of dating.

Of course it's obvious what happened then. We all try to minimize "red flags" when we are attracted to someone. We all try to invent "red flags" when we are not attracted to someone. We like to justify our choices to others even though there is no need for any justification.

If poet guy proceeded to ask her out and things were going well, I bet Gaeta would be even more into him. She is not into him because he gives her anxiety/uncertainty. She is willing to be more forgiving because she is attracted to him and enjoys spending time with him. Sometimes, things are really simple and there is no need to over-analyze them.

Here's the thing: gut feelings are the reason I have my radar up in the first place. I can't say "most people," although I have to think this is true for others as well. I'll just speak for myself, though.

Gaeta came on here in the first place not knowing what to do; she was already uncertain. That's a given. That's always going to color how anyone sees a post, unless it's the sunshiniest "I just wanted to post that I met somebody great and there are no problems!" post, which is rarer on LS or any relationships board.

She (sorry to be speaking of you as if you're not in the room, Gaeta) was already conflicted, and attempts at advice even on opposite ends of the scale - don't call him; do call him, for example - were met with resistance and some degree of frustration. People I believe are encouraging Gaeta, and any poster, to go with his/her own gut. This was already frustrating, confusing, and perhaps "off"...to Gaeta. At least reading down her posts. If you read especially through the beginning pages you'll see this. Lots of back-and-forth and "no, I can't do that" but no real answer as to what TO do...just indecision...discomfort. That's how that reads.

I agree with the fact that we look for red flags, or other support, for our feelings if we can't quite put our finger on things. It IS okay to just not be attracted to someone. Period. But KNOWING that about ourselves is important too, IMO. Otherwise we're deliberately reinforcing things that may not even be true of someone, and that isn't fair, not is it going with one's gut, it's inventing things so WE don't feel bad, and IMO that doesn't help anybody, including ourselves.

I am hoping this goes well. I was Gaeta's cheerleader in the beginning of this. As pages and pages of confusion and frustration (that he wouldn't call, or that he often wouldn't speak to her as a person) built up, I changed my stance - I really don't think that was me or anyone telling Gaeta to go AGAINST her gut, we were suggesting she go WITH it. When there are hundreds of posts worth of "what's going on???" and it's only been one date, OUR guts are also telling us that, well...maybe something is going on.

...and then again maybe it's not. If it's not then that's great and ideal.

[AnnieB]

I didn’t read all the posts, but from what I could tell the poet is a bit of a day dreamer and maybe gets ahead of himself. I would not put much weight on this guy’s coming through for you the way you may want. A very general sense I get is that he will go with the flow if you keep initiating. I’ve been in those situations and I don’t do that anymore. They always end up interested in something or someone else that isn’t me and are only in a relationship with me because I made the effort and it was easy. I ended up frustrated with them anyway as I put in more than they did and they eventually constructed a conflict/ avoidant behavior for me to leave. 

[FMW]

My impression is that @Gaeta is just getting back into dating after the breakup of a longer term relationship and is just sharing her experiences and thoughts.  I don't think she's seriously conflicted,  just finding the process interesting.

I wasn't sure about the guy I've been with for a year and a half when we first started hanging out, but something made me give it a chance.  I'm very happy I did.

Something is keeping her interest right now, and as long as she takes it slow, I see no harm in spending a little more time with him.  She's not singularly focused on him, so it's not like he's keeping her from meeting someone else.  Her expectations seem to be in check.