Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[Gaeta]

There is a song on my playlist that says "there is no such a thing as too much" when you like someone. If l liked B'guard his attention wouldn't bother me.

On the other end, l was not into my ex when l met him but he gave me just enough space to grow interest between date 1-2-3.

[Cookiesandough]

I could see how that proposition. “No such thing as too much if you like someone” could be accepted as true ^^. It’s unfalsifiable.. because if you like them they won’t seem like too much and if they start being too much, you will stop liking them haha. 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta Any update on your second "Poetry Guy" date??

How did it go??

Did you have fun??

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Gaeta Any update on your second "Poetry Guy" date??

How did it go??

Did you have fun??

We have dinner tonight. 😊

 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We have dinner tonight. 😊

 

My bad... I thought it was last night.

Good luck... hope you have a nice time!!

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

We like who we like. It has nothing to do with angst and anxiety and uncertainty.

Gaeta posted that she likes the poet guy right after the date. She had no idea how it will pan out or that he won't ask her out again.

After the Bguard date, she was rationalizing. He was "good on paper" but she wasn't feeling it. It was obvious from her post. Women should learn to listen to those gut feelings more. There is way too much pushing to make it work with someone that is "good on paper" and that others think is a "reasonable choice". Usually there is some creep factor involved even if it is not articulated or clear at that early stage of dating.

Of course it's obvious what happened then. We all try to minimize "red flags" when we are attracted to someone. We all try to invent "red flags" when we are not attracted to someone. We like to justify our choices to others even though there is no need for any justification.

If poet guy proceeded to ask her out and things were going well, I bet Gaeta would be even more into him. She is not into him because he gives her anxiety/uncertainty. She is willing to be more forgiving because she is attracted to him and enjoys spending time with him. Sometimes, things are really simple and there is no need to over-analyze them.

Here's the thing: gut feelings are the reason I have my radar up in the first place. I can't say "most people," although I have to think this is true for others as well. I'll just speak for myself, though.

Gaeta came on here in the first place not knowing what to do; she was already uncertain. That's a given. That's always going to color how anyone sees a post, unless it's the sunshiniest "I just wanted to post that I met somebody great and there are no problems!" post, which is rarer on LS or any relationships board.

She (sorry to be speaking of you as if you're not in the room, Gaeta) was already conflicted, and attempts at advice even on opposite ends of the scale - don't call him; do call him, for example - were met with resistance and some degree of frustration. People I believe are encouraging Gaeta, and any poster, to go with his/her own gut. This was already frustrating, confusing, and perhaps "off"...to Gaeta. At least reading down her posts. If you read especially through the beginning pages you'll see this. Lots of back-and-forth and "no, I can't do that" but no real answer as to what TO do...just indecision...discomfort. That's how that reads.

I agree with the fact that we look for red flags, or other support, for our feelings if we can't quite put our finger on things. It IS okay to just not be attracted to someone. Period. But KNOWING that about ourselves is important too, IMO. Otherwise we're deliberately reinforcing things that may not even be true of someone, and that isn't fair, not is it going with one's gut, it's inventing things so WE don't feel bad, and IMO that doesn't help anybody, including ourselves.

I am hoping this goes well. I was Gaeta's cheerleader in the beginning of this. As pages and pages of confusion and frustration (that he wouldn't call, or that he often wouldn't speak to her as a person) built up, I changed my stance - I really don't think that was me or anyone telling Gaeta to go AGAINST her gut, we were suggesting she go WITH it. When there are hundreds of posts worth of "what's going on???" and it's only been one date, OUR guts are also telling us that, well...maybe something is going on.

...and then again maybe it's not. If it's not then that's great and ideal.

[AnnieB]

I didn’t read all the posts, but from what I could tell the poet is a bit of a day dreamer and maybe gets ahead of himself. I would not put much weight on this guy’s coming through for you the way you may want. A very general sense I get is that he will go with the flow if you keep initiating. I’ve been in those situations and I don’t do that anymore. They always end up interested in something or someone else that isn’t me and are only in a relationship with me because I made the effort and it was easy. I ended up frustrated with them anyway as I put in more than they did and they eventually constructed a conflict/ avoidant behavior for me to leave. 

[FMW]

My impression is that @Gaeta is just getting back into dating after the breakup of a longer term relationship and is just sharing her experiences and thoughts.  I don't think she's seriously conflicted,  just finding the process interesting.

I wasn't sure about the guy I've been with for a year and a half when we first started hanging out, but something made me give it a chance.  I'm very happy I did.

Something is keeping her interest right now, and as long as she takes it slow, I see no harm in spending a little more time with him.  She's not singularly focused on him, so it's not like he's keeping her from meeting someone else.  Her expectations seem to be in check.

[glows]

22 minutes ago, FMW said:

My impression is that @Gaeta is just getting back into dating after the breakup of a longer term relationship and is just sharing her experiences and thoughts.  I don't think she's seriously conflicted,  just finding the process interesting.

I wasn't sure about the guy I've been with for a year and a half when we first started hanging out, but something made me give it a chance.  I'm very happy I did.

Something is keeping her interest right now, and as long as she takes it slow, I see no harm in spending a little more time with him.  She's not singularly focused on him, so it's not like he's keeping her from meeting someone else.  Her expectations seem to be in check.

My sentiments as well. Have fun, Gaeta.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

At least reading down her posts. If you read especially through the beginning pages you'll see this. Lots of back-and-forth and "no, I can't do that" but no real answer as to what TO do...just indecision...discomfort. That's how that reads.

This is totally me. I'm a true Libra. I suffer from indecision in almost all facets of my life. Shopping with me is a nightmare because it's a constant back and forth. That being said when my mind is made up, it truly is made up.

[Gaeta]

2ND Date update

I had a great time. 🙂

He really openned up on who he is and he didn't hesitate to tell me things the way they are for him. He told me he couldn't wait to spend time with me again and my invitation made him the happiest man. He said all week he waited for my invitation and his friend called him crazy to not make the 2nd date invitation himself but he explained he wanted/needed me to show my interest equally. He said he knew what I was trying to tell him with my youtube songs & by the beginning of the weekend he got really scared I wouldn't take that leap of faith. We had a good laugh about it. He already asked me on a 3rd date for next weekend 🙂

Like @SumGuy mentionned, poet man is exuberant and different but I find it endearing. I'm confortable with him like we knew each other already. He remembered eveything I said during the past week and enquired about them. 

[norealusername]

Good!

I'm a little surprised though he was sitting there a week waiting for you to ask him out. He must be bashful or not very experienced.

[Cookiesandough]

Glad to hear your date went well, Gaeta 🙌🙌🙌🥰

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, norealusername said:

Good!

I'm a little surprised though he was sitting there a week waiting for you to ask him out. He must be bashful or not very experienced.

I'm thinking he probably played the pursuing & waiting game often and got tired. 

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm thinking he probably played the pursuing & waiting game often and got tired. 

This update is very interesting!! 

So for some men it truly IS like tennis - he hit the ball to you (first date) then you hit the ball back to him (second date).

He needed that, required that - equal effort.

So much for my thread "Men Pursue, Women Respond" 😳 thinking of tossing that one in the garbage.  Lol

Cause if you had aspired to that, you might have lost a great man, for you! 

Good for you for not following social constructs.  I'm happy it worked out.

I'm glad I checked in, keep us posted! 

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, norealusername said:

Good!

I'm a little surprised though he was sitting there a week waiting for you to ask him out. He must be bashful or not very experienced.

I don't think that is likely true, he played an experienced game IMO.
Softly softly catchee monkey..
He set his bait and waited till Gaeta grabbed it.

Gaeta would be ill advised to think this guy is bashful or inexperienced... he is a smooth operator.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I don't think that is likely true, he played an experienced game IMO.
Softly softly catchee monkey..
He set his bait and waited till Gaeta grabbed it.

Gaeta would be ill advised to think this guy is bashful or inexperienced... he is a smooth operator.

Kind of stuns me that this kind of game can be considered  “smooth” ..i dunno how’d anyone believe that .. I’ve told my dates much better lies but yea I’ve seen worse be bought… I guess  he’s also got enough of whatever else going for him that he can get away with it 

 

even still, here’s hoping for the best and this continues on a positive trajectory 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

Smooth operator? On what secret mission would he be? 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess  he’s also got enough of whatever else going for him that he can get away with it 

That's the bait, the poetry sparks interest, IRL he comes across as a "catch", he is intriguing, so he just needs to sit and wait till someone takes the bait.
Yes it seems like equality, she had to ask him for a second date,  but he held the strings and as he expected Gaeta did the dance for him..
Now she will feel she needs to work hard to hold his interest...

it is just a more sophisticated version of the treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen...
The fact she apparently couldn't get him, and he was somewhat elusive  made him more attractive to her.
Oldest trick in the book.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it seems like equality, she had to ask him for a second date,  but he held the strings and as he expected Gaeta did the dance for him..
Now she will feel she needs to work hard to hold his interest...

What dance l did? He's the one who contacted me each day, he sent the poems,  l only responded. Not once in the past 7 days l initiated a communication except for Saturday.

How am l going to work hard? I have nothing to do he already said he's planning the next date for next weekend.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That's the bait, the poetry sparks interest, IRL he comes across as a "catch",

The fact she apparently couldn't get him, and he was somewhat elusive  made him more attractive to her.
Oldest trick in the book.

The only thing intriging is your post. Can you back this up with concrete examples? I'm not confronting you, l'm looking to understand you.

Where did l express l considered him a catch?

How l could not get him? That would require him to cancel, reschedule, he accepted right away, anytime anywhere, did not make it difficult.

How was he elusive? He made his interest pretty clear from beginning and through the week.

[Cookiesandough]

50 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That's the bait, the poetry sparks interest, IRL he comes across as a "catch", he is intriguing, so he just needs to sit and wait till someone takes the bait.
Yes it seems like equality, she had to ask him for a second date,  but he held the strings and as he expected Gaeta did the dance for him..
Now she will feel she needs to work hard to hold his interest...

it is just a more sophisticated version of the treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen...
The fact she apparently couldn't get him, and he was somewhat elusive  made him more attractive to her.
Oldest trick in the book.

You lost me at his “poetry sparks interest” Hahaha. I mean, I love poetry, but this what this guy did sounds so corny.  

But yep. He’s oh so charming and when he sends long paragraphs of bs it can charm the pants off some women. He sets the trap, goes   off to set more the rest of the week and comes back to look later to find a super interested woman.  Easy peasy. “I’ve been all week for you to ask me out because I needed you to show equal interest! ”  wait, what 🤨

 

 Same thing happened to my friend so this sht grinds my gears 

 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

But yep. He’s oh so charming and when he sends long paragraphs of bs it can charm the pants off some women. He sets the trap, goes   off to set more the rest of the week and comes back to look later to find a super interested woman.  Easy peasy. “I’ve been all week for you to ask me out because I needed you to show equal interest! ”  wait, what 🤨

You have not read the poems, you cannot judge them as anything. They are not written in English so the cheesiness you've detected could come from my translation of 2 words out if it.

How do you know my level of interest? Why not ask me?

[poppyfields]

It would be nice to hear some male perspectives about this, men who are aware of  (and perhaps used to play) the "game."  As elaine alluded to.

My thought now is because this man comes from a place of abundance versus desperation, he appeared attractive to Gaeta.   And that abundance mentality also affords him the luxury of sitting back and allowing Gaeta to step up...

If she never did, he has options so no skin off his nose, right?

I'm not suggesting this is a bad thing, it IS an attractive quality and can understand why Gaeta would be drawn to him.

And he did schedule that third date after all, he's not attempting to keep Gaeta off balance or anxious. To the contrary, he has been quite responsive to her, 

I dont know, I could be wrong, but he sounds legit to me.

Not some 'seasoned player' or 'smooth operator' as if to suggest he is someone to fear or run from.

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Of course it's attractive to me, look at my track record:  Men trying to reach under my dress on 2nd meet or trying to leave hicky on me on 1st date.

I also come from a place of abundance. Poet man and & l both have other options. 

If his plan is to get laid then he's taking the long road. He could easily get it without giving himself all this trouble. At 6'3'', handsome, drives a new suv,  he would have an even easier time getting sex online than my ex did, and if you remember my ex had sex with a new woman each week. Women that accepted to meet him at his place for a 1st or 2nd meeting, and all had sex on that 1st or 2nd meeting. They don't call my city the Capital of Sex for nothing. 

Him and I met 2 weeks ago now, daily contact, 2 dates and 0 sexual innuendoes.

Edited July 6, 2021 by Gaeta