Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[beentheredonethat77]

Gaeta  -- Apologies in advance if you already mentioned this, but is he Italian (or some other european origin?) --- I ask because my experience has been men in Europe are far more old-world romantic with their poems and mannerisms.... I am like you and dont mind it, one lovely man i dated was very sincere... yet sensitive and still very much an alpha.    

Of course, like any potential dates/boyfriends we keep our guard up -- .. but cultural differences could definitely be a factor here.. (my American / Australian friends would cringe audibly if they heard what some of the things my lovely European boyfriend said..we ended when he sadly passed away.. but he was pure of heart, sensitive and romantic.. yet loyal to his core).   

 

All the best discovering what makes this interesting man tick.   I have found there is no formula for a cheating/disloyal player man.. it can just as easily be the bodyguard who is great with his elderly mum; but could still very well be frequenting strip clubs for back-room fun in his spare time --- IMHO there is no way to know except for time, observation and staying deeply in tune with your intuition.  

Edited July 7, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hoping for the best for you on this, Gaeta. It's seems to me you may like poet guy more than you are admitting to yourself. Nothing wrong with that, but may be more helpful to admit it to yourself if that is so.

I do think you need to play this one out. Obviously, I don't mean that in the sense of being gamey, just to be clear.

I agree with some points Elaine made and some that Poppy made. I think this guy is smooth. I also think he's probably insecure. I've seen plenty of smooth, experienced, insecure men but have never dated one the second time. And I think he's also manipulative, possibly controlling, not sure but could be.

The fact that he waited until you asked him out and then made a big deal about how important it was to him that you asked him out seemed to me he is rewarding you for taking the initiative and setting you up to feed his ego (because he's insecure) by having you move into a leadership role in the R he hopes to have with  you.

Be that as it may, every man (or woman for the men) is going to have some issues. You just need to find what they are and decide if you can deal with them or not.

When you used to post about your ex that cheated on you, long before you wrote he cheated on you I had the sense that you were a better catch than he was. I have this same sense with poetry guy.

I hope for the best for you and believe, with all I've written above, this could work out for you if you are willing to take on the role he wants you to assume. I'd not be game for it but that's just me.

Be true to yourself, but don't allow yourself to believe this guy is someone he is not. Seems to me this guy's a project. But, if he's a project you like working on, then it may work great for the two of you!

 

Edited July 7, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

And then for him to use that as justification as to why YOU should be initiating the second meet?   To show equal effort?

Equal to what, HIS inappropriateness for spilling his feels during and after the first meet?

He did not use anything. As l said it's *my theory*. I did not perceive it as over spill. His conversations have substance. 

[Gaeta]

I don't view him as a project. He's self employed, a bit workaholic, he's not new here so doesn't need l hold his hand. 

I will ask him about if l had not invited.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

- .. but cultural differences could definitely be a factor here.. (my American / Australian friends would cringe audibly if they heard what some of the things my lovely European boyfriend said..we ended when he sadly passed away.. but he was pure of heart, sensitive and romantic.. yet loyal to his 

My sympathies for your loss.

Yes him and l are of different culture. He's born in Haiti, came here as a child. It's an old France colony. They master my native language at a higher level, and this guy here has a high level of education as well. 

[cleverusername]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't view him as a project. He's self employed, a bit workaholic, he's not new here so doesn't need l hold his hand. 

I will ask him about if l had not invited.

This guy is an emotional project, an emotional flower. You will need to water it every day, make sure it gets enough sun, and make sure the storms don't blow it over...... just know what you're getting yourself into.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes him and l are of different culture. He's born in Haiti, came here as a child. It's an old France colony. They master my native language at a higher level, and this guy here has a high level of education as well. 

Was your ex also from Haiti?

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Was your ex also from Haiti?

No, born in guadeloup but lived 30 years in France.

[Happy Lemming]

In the end, you appear happy with this "poet" gentleman.  You are going on a third date.

If things end up working out and you date this guy long term, then all of this "2nd date" issue will be a "small blip on the radar" that will be forgotten.

Is this "2nd date" thing the only issue/problem??  If so, continue forward and see where it goes.

There is the old saying about "a lid for every pot", maybe you found yours.

[AnnieB]

I get the passive aggressive/ manipulative/ insecure/ beta vibe from this guy from where I’m standing. I’d be wary as the progression of a relationship with such a man can be insidiously misleading.

I’ve been led down a painful path with this sort of man if only he had come out and directly told me he didn’t love me instead of me finding out overtime so to speak. 

The problem is they don’t even love themselves if only in a superficial way - cars, clothes, gym, things. They appear like a package, but they are shambles.

I really hope I’m wrong. Enjoy your dates and definitely keep dating others and only reward consistency and above the board behavior that makes you feel good and secure.  
 

[Gaeta]

These threads always develop a life of their own after so many pages. I remember posting about a man I was dating and by page 15 all members had identified him as an illegal alien drug smuggler cartel member.  The man just happened to not be being ready for a relationship.

[AnnieB]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

These threads always develop a life of their own after so many pages. I remember posting about a man I was dating and by page 15 all members had identified him as an illegal alien drug smuggler cartel member.  The man just happened to not be being ready for a relationship.

😂

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't view him as a project. He's self employed, a bit workaholic, he's not new here so doesn't need l hold his hand. 

I will ask him about if l had not invited.

 

which guy is this?

 

is this a general last person you e dated thread:)

 

[Ami1uwant]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

These threads always develop a life of their own after so many pages. I remember posting about a man I was dating and by page 15 all members had identified him as an illegal alien drug smuggler cartel member.  The man just happened to not be being ready for a relationship.

So drugs made him do it….

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

which guy is this?

is this a general last person you e dated thread:)

 

Just a guy I dated years ago. Not my ex. 

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

So drugs made him do it….

OMG lol. He was not a drug user. I said that to indicate how sometimes these threads go off rail and people imagine all sorts of things that are way off. 

[lana-banana]

You are right that these threads tend to off the rails, and fast. I am surprised at how much folks are extrapolating based on such limited details. Yeah, he gives me pause (I still think he's acting a bit weird, and the poetry doesn't seem authentic to me) but it's not like he's a serial killer.

A friend of mine would mention on every first date that "if this works out, you have four years to propose". Every time! I'm sure lots of people thought she was crazy or ridiculous, or a walking red flag or whatever. She ended up happily married to someone who appreciates how blunt she is. 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I will ask him about if l had not invited.

He replied he would have come forward, he would not have let me get away. 

So I'm gonna let it play out. I am getting my second vaccine Saturday noon so chances are I won't be in the best of shape for a 3rd date this weekend. 

Meanwhile, I have a date with number 10 this Friday. He's a fun guy but I had to warn him I don't like sexual innuendoes at this time in the game. He's been good after that. 

 

[cleverusername]

32 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He replied he would have come forward, he would not have let me get away. 

So this guy is a manipulator and insecure? Niceeeeeee.

Your life, but this guy should be at the very back IMO. At least the #10 or whatever had the balls to be direct, even if you didn't like the innuendoes. This guy not only didn't have the courage to just straight up ask you out, he manipulated you into getting you to do it.... but whatever.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

So this guy is a manipulator and insecure? Niceeeeeee.

Your life, but this guy should be at the very back IMO. At least the #10 or whatever had the balls to be direct, even if you didn't like the innuendoes. This guy not only didn't have the courage to just straight up ask you out, he manipulated you into getting you to do it.... but whatever.

So, out of curiosity.

A woman wanting to go on a date with a man,  waiting 7 days for him to make a date invitation because she doesn't want to do it herself,  is not manipulation? But if a man does it it's manipulation. 

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

So, out of curiosity.

A woman wanting to go on a date with a man,  waiting 7 days for him to make a date invitation because she doesn't want to do it herself,  is not manipulation? But if a man does it it's manipulation. 

It's the intent not the desire. He did it out of selfishness and insecurity. He waited purposefully to feel validated and forced you to do it for him..... this guy is so full of it. He wouldn't have let you get away? So how long did he plan to wait? Weeks? 

The point is, this guy is seeking validation and is insecure. This is the expectation from the start. The precedent has been set and you enabled it, instead of drawing a line in the sand like guy #10 with the innuendos, you gave this guy the OK to manipulate you for validation. This will manifest itself into the rest of the relationship. Current actions are the best indicator of future actions. 

And yes, playing games is manipulation. If I was interested I would not leave someone hanging for 7 days for an ego boost.

[Allupinnit]

Just an observation between this and other threads, but I notice that people often say "well nobody died" or "what can I say I'm stubborn!" when defending their questionable choices in dating.

And while all of those things may be true, over time you develop dating habits with those choices that keep you single or stuck in crap relationships because "what can it hurt, I'm lonely/bored."

You're right @Gaeta - it's harmless in the grand scheme of things to keep dating a guy who has already SHOWN you who he is despite his feeble excuses that it was ok.  It's your time and your mental bandwidth to expend how you want.

[Gaeta]

Ok I understand, I will drop him. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

It's the intent not the desire. He did it out of selfishness and insecurity. He waited purposefully to feel validated and forced you to do it for him..... this guy is so full of it. He wouldn't have let you get away? So how long did he plan to wait? Weeks? 

The point is, this guy is seeking validation and is insecure. This is the expectation from the start. The precedent has been set and you enabled it, instead of drawing a line in the sand like guy #10 with the innuendos, you gave this guy the OK to manipulate you for validation. This will manifest itself into the rest of the relationship. Current actions are the best indicator of future actions. 

And yes, playing games is manipulation. If I was interested I would not leave someone hanging for 7 days for an ego boost.

Well said, and hope it does NOT go dismissed.

Me thinks someone is wearing romantic blinders at the moment, which is understandable I've done same, but hopefully in time those blinders will come off and they will recognize what everyone else does.

I mean it's just so clear what this man's agenda is, I am actually surprised that @Gaeta, you're unable to recognize it.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well said, and hope it does NOT go dismissed.

Me thinks someone is wearing romantic blinders at the moment, which is understandable I've done same, but hopefully in time those blinders will come off and they will recognize what everyone else does.

I mean it's just so clear what this man's agenda is, I am actually surprised that @Gaeta, you're unable to recognize it.

He is a good looking dude...he gets a pass.