Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[CaliforniaGirl]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

A few minutes ago I asked him if he likes shopping. He said he does, even if he doesn't need anything, he likes looking around for what's on sales. I said then he's not such a desperate case! and he asked what he said yesterday that lead me to think he's a desperate case, etc etc. He said he really wants to change this and being wih an outgoing woman will help him break out of his shell. He explained to me what was the dynamic in his last relationship of 12 years. I don't want to expose his private life on here but it makes sense to me. Actually I've been there myself and it's hard to break a life style after a decade +.

That being said I still have reservations. I've been lied too many times to not be on my guards. 

It all just sounds like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It all just sounds like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Anything is possible. I will not defend a man I've only seen twice. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I said then he's not such a desperate case! and he asked what he said yesterday that lead me to think he's a desperate case, etc etc. He said he really wants to change this and being wih an outgoing woman will help him break out of his shell.

Hoping being with a certain type of person is going to change the core of who you are doesn’t usually end well. I saw more than a few profiles of overweight women wanting to get with a fit guy to help motivate them to exercise and eat healthy. I’d suggest if one is attracted to the woman at her current weight, go for it. If you’re dating hoping she’ll change, don’t.

 

I’d give the same advice here. If you’re still wanting to date him knowing he’s mostly a homebody, great. If you’re only really interested if he changes, not so good. That being said, nobody is perfect. Your ex didn’t like going to family events if I recall correctly. You still figured out a way to make that work.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That's a big disappointment. 

Another example of why initial attraction doesn’t hold any meaning. Is it kind of fun? Sure. Is it a sign from the Universe. Hard no.

 

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Meanwhile, I still talk to Teacher. I didn't feel that instant attraction with him when we met but through our talk I can feel we're more compatible, he's outgoing, and willing to try anything. I feel I would have a lot of fun with him. 

And this is the other side of the coin. Keeping an option open even if it wasn’t crazy instant chemistry. @Gaeta you’re not “chasing feelings” and dating in a very mature way. I know I had concerns about you jumping into dating soon after your breakup, but you’re really level headed with all of this. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A few minutes ago I asked him if he likes shopping. He said he does, even if he doesn't need anything, he likes looking around for what's on sales. I said then he's not such a desperate case! and he asked what he said yesterday that lead me to think he's a desperate case, etc etc. He said he really wants to change this and being with an outgoing woman will help him break out of his shell.

Re bolded, there is something off about that.  A 48 year old man who seeks an outgoing woman to break out of his shell, to essentially change who he IS?

If he wants to change, then change!  Why does he need a woman to do so?

I dunno that would turn me off I think, no matter how drop dead gorgeous he was.

It's like he is looking to be your next "project," to change/fix all the things he doesn't like about himself.

Your call Gaeta, but you're so beautiful (inside and out), you don't need to settle for that, imho.

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Re bolded, there is something off about that.  A 48 year old man who seeks an outgoing woman to break out of his shell, to essentially change who he IS?

He's not seeking an outgoing woman. I happen to be outgoing. 

He wants to go back to who he was before his marriage. 

[Miss Spider]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Anything is possible. I will not defend a man I've only seen twice. 

🙏 neither should he be accused of anything he hasn’t done. I get these men out here can be tricky, but that will usually reveal itself sooner or later if/when the red flags get too much 

 

I guess I am not as skeptical as some here. I just saw his comment to mean he appreciates someone who will help him break out of his old routines. A partner can definitely do that. 

Edited July 28, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He wants to go back to who he was before his marriage. 

Then he should seek that change within himself, don't you think?

I guess for me, I want a man who is whole and complete before we meet and begin dating.  Happy with himself, AS IS.

I mean, you are whole and complete Gaeta, happy with yourself, you're not seeking a man to complete you, are you?

I dunno this has become a "thing" for me lately.  Men/women seeking others to feel whole and complete, so don't mind me.

I liken it to a sort of co-dependency, just my interpretation.

That said, I support whatever you choose to do!!

Edited July 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

So, Romeo just asked me (text) what I'd like to do this weekend. Time to put this through the test! I could offer bungee jumping 😉

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He's not seeking an outgoing woman. I happen to be outgoing. 

He wants to go back to who he was before his marriage. 

Yeah, this is the part where I start wondering what the wife’s side of the story might be. 😅

It’s just a few dates, though, so why not.

[Allupinnit]

Gaeta this is weird.  It sounds very much like he is bitter about his divorce.  You're talking about doing fun things together and it somehow devolved into how his ex wife made him do adventurous stuff.  Maybe she was trying to connect with him and he's a couch potato.  

Also, none of us go back to who we were before we got married.  Marriage is SUPPOSED to change and grow you.

 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

 devolved into how his ex wife made him do adventurous stuff.  

No it's the contrary. She isolated them. She did not want to go out, did not want to make friends, did not want visitors. 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, Gaeta said:

No it's the contrary. She isolated them. She did not want to go out, did not want to make friends, did not want visitors. 

Well, again, like the other poster mentioned, I'd be interested to hear her side.  She could be very introverted or agoraphobic. 

[Gaeta]

I will date him and observe. If he spoke to my ex he'd probably hear interesting details as well. 

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

She could be very introverted or agoraphobic. 

She's a doctor, worked on 3 different continents. l have a feeling she just wanted things her way. Not generalizing but my brother is married to a doctor, big ego, she's the boss in the household.

[jspice]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She's a doctor, worked on 3 different continents. l have a feeling she just wanted things her way. Not generalizing but my brother is married to a doctor, big ego, she's the boss in the household.

But aren’t you the boss in your household/ relationships? 
sorry but you don’t exactly choose strong men either. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She's a doctor, worked on 3 different continents. l have a feeling she just wanted things her way. Not generalizing but my brother is married to a doctor, big ego, she's the boss in the household.

He sure gave you a lot of detail about his ex. Is he over all that?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, jspice said:

But aren’t you the boss in your household/ relationships? 
sorry but you don’t exactly choose strong men either. 

I come from a culture where women are very strong and lead in the relationship, yes. I would not match well with an Alpha man. I prefer an omega man. 

[FMW]

On 7/28/2021 at 8:48 AM, Gaeta said:

I didn't feel that instant attraction with him when we met but through our talk I can feel we're more compatible

I didn't find the guy I'm seeing to be particularly attractive when we first met (neither did I find him unattractive).  But I was definitely drawn to him, I felt a connection.  I wanted to spend time with him and get to know him, even though romantic feelings weren't immediately apparent.

But more than 18 months later, I find him very physically attractive.

So I'd recommend paying attention to your instincts in total, not just immediate physical sparks.  Sometimes those disappear, sometimes they develop.

But you do need some sort of spark to move forward, even if it's not physical, even if it's hard to define.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

He sure gave you a lot of detail about his ex. Is he over all that?

We only had 1 conversation about his divorce and from what I understood he did not want to divorce, they tried therapy and it didn't help. He expressed he felt completely lost and his sister convinced him to move here, next to her (2018). It's 2 hours away from the ex. Between the lines I am reading his sister has been his rock, she's the one who convinced him it was time to start dating. 

He's probably not over all that as I am not all over my ex and what happenned. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We only had 1 conversation about his divorce and from what I understood he did not want to divorce, they tried therapy and it didn't help. He expressed he felt completely lost and his sister convinced him to move here, next to her (2018). It's 2 hours away from the ex. Between the lines I am reading his sister has been his rock, she's the one who convinced him it was time to start dating. 

He's probably not over all that as I am not all over my ex and what happenned. 

I mean...again..lots and lots of unhappy personal info here, especially for just one date. Geez.

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I mean...again..lots and lots of unhappy personal info here, especially for just one date. Geez.

We had 2 dates, not that it makes a big difference

[poppyfields]

Just now, Gaeta said:

We had 2 dates, not that it makes a big difference

Not really but I'm gonna refrain from giving my opinion because it would be based on MY personal preference which based on what you've posted thus far about his nature and the sharing of such intimate (negative) details re his marriage so early in, not my cup of tea.

But I'm not you G, and if you feel a connection with him and have positive vibes, then play it out.

Fully with ya on that.

 

[Gaeta]

He was able to explain this to me without judging her or making negative comments about her. I've perceived he was happy in his marriage. She was the way she was and he accepted it and went along with it. Things started going bad enough to seek therapy 2 years before their divorce. He does not randomly talk about it. This information was given to me in a short window of 5 minutes, maybe less. It did not turn me off. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It did not turn me off. 

That is literally all that matters.   💛

Edited July 29, 2021 by poppyfields