Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 poet dude should have been long forgotten, left in the dust for the time-waster he is

Poet dude doesn't have enough competition. Of course he stood out among those l've met.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Seems like a lot of people like those that keep them off balance… Maybe plays to their need for understanding/ to make sense of stuff and validation from others when someone shows a little interest, but still low enough to confuse them.Maybe the person is just really desirable so less available. But multidating, poet dude should have been long forgotten, left in the dust for the time-waster he is,  but he’s still being mentioned, almost as though he still has a hook in still 

It can be low self-esteem, too. Kind of "anybody who holds me in high regard and makes me a priority must have something wrong with him, since I'm not really worth much." Yet another possibility is when a person derp down doesn't want a relationship, so she'll subconsciously concentrate on the relationships that won't work out. Constantly striving can sometimes be our way of distracting ourselves from what is really going on. Never really having a relationship that isn't fraught with constant striving can keep the person from really getting hurt because s/he will never really have that commitment anyway.

I'm no shrink, but while some people like a degree of challenge, it is probably a heads up of some deeper issue if the person automatically knows she's going to "run" as soon as she is secure in knowing he is interested in her.

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is that being into me or being cligny?

It’s called you over analyzing in the really early OLD stages. Who knows? You don’t have a baseline to assess his behaviors because you don’t know him. You’d only be comparing him to your previous experiences, and he wasn’t one of them.

 

Again, just keep calm, multi date, do not get hung up on any one person early on. The filtering will happen naturally with time. After you get to 4 or 5 dates with someone you should have a decent feel of whether you might want to become exclusive.

[CaliforniaGirl]

He m

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

Texting "are you busy" immediately following you not answering his call would bother me, seems pushy. 

He could have just left a voice mail message or texted whatever it was he wanted to say.  

That's  not a huge thing by itself, but would have annoyed me.

It's possible he got a "she doesn't seem too into it" vibe and he's just trying to confirm early on whether he should cut bait.

[Gaeta]

Here is the big red flag about Bguard. You'll understand my hesitation.

At the end of the date we kissed. It was pg-13 no problem but he went to kiss my neck and l realized he was going to mark me with a hicky. I pulled away and said no! He said 'why not'. I said l'm not going home to my teen with a big hicky and l have professional meetings each week. He replied: is it really why or it's because you have dates with other men!

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Here is the big red flag about Bguard. You'll understand my hesitation.

At the end of the date we kissed. It was pg-13 no problem but he went to kiss my neck and l realized he was going to mark me with a hicky. I pulled away and said no! He said 'why not'. I said l'm not going home to my teen with a big hicky and l have professional meetings each week. He replied: is it really why or it's because you have dates with other men!

So, I noticed something. Immediately after this date you said there were no red flags. Scroll back and there it is.

Now that he's interested you're dragging out red flags.

I mean if you're still on the hook for Poet Guy, a man having red flags is not the issue here.

[Miss Spider]

Ew… too physical too soon, ignores boundaries,  makes accusations towards you when you assert them. Unholy triad. That’s way too big of a red flag to me . Next. Who is next 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Ew… too physical, ignores boundaries,  makes accusations towards you when you assert them. Unholy triad. That’s way to big of a red flag to me 

Is this really more red flaggy than a guy pounding poems out comparing a woman to "Venus and divinity" after one date? Meanwhile refusing to ask for a second date? 🤔

Is it more red flaggy than Gaeta posting up thread that there were "no red flags," and now suddenly there's this crazy horror story?

Edited July 4, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Miss Spider]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

Is this really more red flaggy than a buy pounding poems out comparing a woman to "Venus and divinity" after one date? Meanwhile refusing to ask for a second date? 🤔

Haha , Nope not at all, they both suck

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

So, I noticed something. Immediately after this date you said there were no red flags. Scroll back and there it is.

Be slow to accuse me of dragging red flags.

That happenned at the end of the date. On my way home l got a call from my mother we spoke about a family matter the whole way. I got in and posted about my date. I had no time to process it. Then this morning l said after a cool time there were red flags.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Be slow to accuse me of dragging red flags.

That happenned at the end of the date. On my way home l got a call from my mother we spoke about a family matter the whole way. I got in and posted about my date. I had no time to process it. Then this morning l said after a cool time there were red flags.

Okay. 🤷 I'm not accusing, BTW. I'm observing.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

So go out with Poem guy… and know that if proceeds forward you will likely be the one to lead every date.

He may not be a good leader.

It's just dating. If after our 2nd date he doesn't initiate than l'll move on. It's not like l'm new at this.

Edited July 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

It's just dating. If after our 2nd date he doesn't initiate than l'll move on. It's not like l'm new at this.

To be fair, we are all basing our answers partly on your having pages of posts where you didn't want to move on despite obvious giant red flags and were frustrated daily, sometimes hourly. I'm not trying to slam you, I just hope you eventually see that these weird situations will keep happening until you address what may have been the most helpful and insightful revelation in this whole long thread: that when someone is interested, you want to run.

JMO and good luck.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 I'm not trying to slam you, I just hope you eventually see that these weird situations will keep happening until you address what may have been the most helpful and insightful revelation in this whole long thread: that when someone is interested, you want to run.

There is a good reason for my wanting to run away from BGuard, right? So it's not my issues.

As for poet man l did not get that desire to run away. I enjoyed his poem, it was once a day, it was fun and cheesy and through it all l did not feel smuttered, and he didn't try to mark me as his with a hicky. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, Gaeta said:

There is a good reason for my wanting to run away from BGuard, right? So it's not my issues.

As for poet man l did not get that desire to run away. I enjoyed his poem, it was once a day, it was fun and cheesy and through it all l did not feel smuttered, and he didn't try to mark me as his with a hicky. 

1. I don't know. I can't say. The guy STOPPED immediately when you didn't want to, then tried to feel out whether you were interested in him. He asked if you're multi-dating. 

2. You already said up thread that you run when a guy is interested. 

3. There are a hundred big red flags waving over Poet Guy so a guy having issues isn't the ongoing problem here, most likely; refer to #2 above.

Things aren't going to work out for you until you dig a little deeper.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is a good reason for my wanting to run away from BGuard, right? So it's not my issues.

As for poet man l did not get that desire to run away. I enjoyed his poem, it was once a day, it was fun and cheesy and through it all l did not feel smuttered, and he didn't try to mark me as his with a hicky. 

Mark you as his...hickey...do you see that this all seems a little drastic? Who gives hickeys anymore? How do you know he was going to do that? I mean either way, you're fully within your rights to say no to anything at all, including another date. But it's a little disingenuous to downgrade the Poet Guy experience to "fun and cheesy" when you were in angst for pages worth of posts the whole time. This story...or really, your perceptions...seem to change pretty drastically throughout the course of this thread. It seems like you're running from something, and indeed, you even said that's what you do. Looking to the future, you're just going to keep having these frustrations, until you take a look within...IMO.

I'll say no more, I've given my advice and like anything in life it is your right to consider it, or toss it. 😊

[Miss Spider]

Just because the bodyguard showed red flags doesn’t mean the poet guy is a good option. He has displayed just as many flags, if not more, but in a different way. You’re seasoned enough on OLD to know you can blow through many big nopes on OLD before you find a suitable candidate. It’s been clear from the beginning this guy is a big nope  and a waste of time but just as clear you were going to give it a shot anyway. I hope it works out 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Mark you as his...hickey...do you see that this all seems a little drastic? Who gives hickeys anymore? How do you know he was going to do that? 

Because he admitted that's what he wanted to do. And asked me why l did not want. Are you reading my posts? And he insisted again on making a mark on me. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It can be low self-esteem, too. Kind of "anybody who holds me in high regard and makes me a priority must have something wrong with him, since I'm not really worth much." Yet another possibility is when a person derp down doesn't want a relationship, so she'll subconsciously concentrate on the relationships that won't work out. Constantly striving can sometimes be our way of distracting ourselves from what is really going on. Never really having a relationship that isn't fraught with constant striving can keep the person from really getting hurt because s/he will never really have that commitment anyway.

I'm no shrink, but while some people like a degree of challenge, it is probably a heads up of some deeper issue if the person automatically knows she's going to "run" as soon as she is secure in knowing he is interested in her.

Good points.. But I guess it’s a lot of things. The more I think about it.. it may just be burn out.  Like going on a ton of first dates/coffee and having little luck, that’s exhausting.. so instead of wanting to go back to square one, you’d rather just take the most attractive option you’ve already explored/person you dig and run with it. Because a little interest from someone you were interested in, even if they showed a bunch of red flags and regurgitated love poems, is better than starting over. Except it’s not. In  that case, I think I’d recommend either filtering way harder  before the first date, even if that means less dates, or take a break/work on things /reset. 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 when you were in angst for pages worth of posts the whole time. This story...or really, your perceptions...

*You* had the wrong perception of my thread. I said many times l enjoyed the poems, that l liked him, that l had the best date with him. l was simply unsure about initiating a second date. Yes at some point l grew tired of the lack of meaningful conversation but that took a turn. I was hoping he would initiate a 2nd date but when he sent me *we should do something* on Friday l started thinking maybe this whole time he was waiting for me to initiate, for what ever reasons, men go through rejection as well.

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Like going on a ton of first dates/coffee and having little luck, that’s exhausting..

It’s only exhausting if you have the wrong expectations. Going into OLD you know most are not going to be compatible, and Gaeta knows this too. In my opinion, she’s investing too much mental and emotional energy into these early stages if these threads are any indication. Just have to relax and not analyze so much. 

[Allupinnit]

You like poet guy because he gives you angst and uncertainty.  Anxiety pushes your buttons.  "We should do something" is not asking for a date.  You then went ahead and picked up the slack.  

 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s only exhausting if you have the wrong expectations. Going into OLD you know most are not going to be compatible, and Gaeta knows this too. In my opinion, she’s investing too much mental and emotional energy into these early stages if these threads are any indication. Just have to relax and not analyze so much. 

 Good points. I think Gaeta wants a LTR and she says she feels better in a relationship and prefers the comfort of a familiar relationship  ..  I feel like her expectation is to find a man she’s into who fits those shoes in minimal time … so when you’re going on a bunch ( I think she said like over 200 overall has not been unheard ofof dates not for the fun of it, but for the long game,  getting ready and driving to go get coffee with 200+ people sounds and no luck sounds freaking exhausting 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

He likes her... 🤷 Didn't Poetry Guy text on a Sunday?

I don't know if poetry guy texted Gaeta on Sunday... but body guard guy saw her Saturday night, seems a bit desperate and needy to be texting that early the next day -- Sunday.

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date, seems like the body guard guy needs reassurance.

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't know if poetry guy texted Gaeta on Sunday... but body guard guy saw her Saturday night, seems a bit desperate and needy to be texting that early the next day -- Sunday.

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date, seems like the body guard guy needs reassurance.

Well, I don't know. If you read the first post, Gaeta literally texted Poetry Guy when she got home from their date. Poetry Guy asked her to. So...they didn't even wait until morning, much less the next day.

From there she said

"From there he [Poetry Guy] initiates communications every day"

Do you really need to be in constant contact hours after the first date...Gaeta thought she did, when it was Poetry Guy. 

So if you're asking ME...no, I don't believe you need to be in constant contact immediately.

If you're asking Gaeta...I think that depends on whether she wants it to be a red flag.

Edited July 4, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl