Should I inititate the 2nd date?

[Gaeta]

I got a message from someone I find interesting. I'm not sure I should add a 3rd prospect to the mix. As my mom would say when we chase too many rabbits we loose them all.

[lana-banana]

I tend to believe it's a good idea to keep your options open and pursuing other interests until you meet someone that takes your attention. If none of these guys are really stoking your fires (and I know it can take a few days to get to that point), you might as well stay open to meeting other folks.

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I got a message from someone I find interesting. I'm not sure I should add a 3rd prospect to the mix. As my mom would say when we chase too many rabbits we loose them all.

I’d just keep messaging but if actually physically dating 3 is too much (and it might be) then leave it at messaging. At least one of the two you’re dating now will drop off, and if you’re not sure about the other one then sure why not date another? It seems you’re distancing a bit from Romeo and have shifted slightly towards teacher but not totally interested yet. Keeping options open is a good thing.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 It seems you’re distancing a bit from Romeo and have shifted slightly towards teacher but not totally interested yet. Keeping options open is a good thing.

You are perceptive. I have reservations concerning Romeo. As for Teacher there is something there I'd like to explore unfortunately he's got visitors at this time so our plan to meet again got pushed. He keeps in touch though. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

We had 2 dates, not that it makes a big difference

Well, I guess it doesn’t in the context you presented it in, which was that you spoke about his marriage in one conversation. 😂

Unless you had one conversation over two dates.

[Miss Spider]

What intentions does this man have with our Gaeta 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

What intentions does this man have with our Gaeta 

Too early to say but his profile says he was looking for a long lasting relationship. His words indicates that. We met exactly 2 weeks ago, 2 dates, he text me each day and he's been a complete gentleman. No poems 😉 not trying to flatter me, not a drop of sexual innuendoes. 

[Dis]

On 7/28/2021 at 9:48 AM, Gaeta said:

 

So, I offered we could still get out of town for a day trip. So much to discover in any direction outside of our city. This is when I learn he's a home buddy and he doesn't like going away, visiting new places, he likes restaurants but doesn't like hotels or B&B, being out downtown, festivals, concerts, etc. On a scale of 1 to 10, he's a 6 on being out and about, and told me he'll do it but he'll need a lot of convincing first. 

That's a big disappointment. 

 

My ex didn't like going out and it was such a drag. There was no break from our mundane routine, no interesting outings, no romance. It turned into a big deal after awhile. Nope. 

 

Hard pass 

[Fletch Lives]

Women need romance like flowers need the rain.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said:

Women need romance like flowers need the rain.

I used to think that.  Then I met a guy (my husband) who is inept at romance but met my love language of 'quality time'.    Perhaps I am a contented cactus.

[Fletch Lives]

There are a few outliers.

[Eternal Sunshine]

16 hours ago, FMW said:

I didn't find the guy I'm seeing to be particularly attractive when we first met (neither did I find him unattractive).  But I was definitely drawn to him, I felt a connection.  I wanted to spend time with him and get to know him, even though romantic feelings weren't immediately apparent.

But more than 18 months later, I find him very physically attractive.

So I'd recommend paying attention to your instincts in total, not just immediate physical sparks.  Sometimes those disappear, sometimes they develop.

But you do need some sort of spark to move forward, even if it's not physical, even if it's hard to define.

I guess I will never understand how you can date someone you are not that attracted to. How do you enjoy sex? Or are you not having it?

Why do women in particular need to be in a relationship so badly that they are willing to push through and hang in there while going through the motions of romantic interactions that they are not feeling yet? Men don't really do that.

I actually had a male friend ask me that question recently and I wasn't able to answer because I don't get it either. His question was that women have often told him that they are not that physically attracted to him but will continue to date him and are interested in a serious relationship with him. Physical attraction should be the bare minimum requirement to even think of a romantic relationship. Why do women give that up so easily? I feel connected and drawn to my friends, family and cats but I am not going to date them...Sigh.

 

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I guess I will never understand how you can date someone you are not that attracted to. How do you enjoy sex? Or are you not having it?

 

Did you not read the part where she said she finds him very physically attractive?

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I guess I will never understand how you can date someone you are not that attracted to. How do you enjoy sex? Or are you not having it?

Not feeling attraction right away does not mean we find the man repulsive. It only means we needs something else than his looks to start the attraction. When I met my ex I didn't feel a 'pull' toward him. He had everything to be considered an attractive man, I just didn't feel like jumping all over him. That came after a few dates when his personality started showing and when we ended up in bed I thought he was hot! 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Did you not read the part where she said she finds him very physically attractive?

Yeah, 18 months later.  

But in @FMW's defense (not that she needs), she posted she was drawn to him from the get-go and felt a connection.  

Being "attracted to" a man encompasses more than physical appeal, it's goes  beyond that and runs deeper for some women.

For me personally, I need to feel physical attraction from the beginning but not all women do if the connection and vibrational pull is there.

[Weezy1973]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah, 18 months later.  

Haha, well I don’t think it took 18 months for her to become physically attracted! I suspect it happened much sooner - but 18 months later she’s still very physically attracted to him…

 

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Being "attracted to" a man encompasses more than physical appeal, it's goes  beyond that and runs deeper for some women.

Yes indeed. Many people can’t be attracted to someone if they aren’t a viable relationship option for example. They can see someone beautiful- but admire the beauty more like a sunset or a work of art. 

 

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

For me personally, I need to feel physical attraction from the beginning but not all women do if the connection and vibrational pull is there.

I suspect this is because (from what I understand) you’re quite physically attractive yourself, so you have options that are too. Most people are average so are drawing from an average pool. Those other, non-physical qualities are what can turn someone from average into wowza!

Edited July 30, 2021 by Weezy1973

[FMW]

To try and provide clarity, my guy had only been widowed for 9 months when we met a few years ago.  I was very conscious of that fact, it didn't  seem right to be looking at him in a romantic/sexual framework.  We started as friends.  That grew into more after a few months, I was very physically attractive to him once I got past seeing him as unavailable because of being a recent widower.

And as to other ideas mentioned, neither of us are settling, we both have options, and some of those for both of us would be objectively "hotter".

He's a busy musician, and even at 57, young hot girls still flirt with him at his gigs.  I spent 3 hours last night watching 20 something year old women with very few clothes on (it was right at 100 degrees) seeking his attention, on and off the stage.  But at the end of the night, he goes home with me and seems quit happy with what we have.

I'm not suggesting in any way that Gaeta settle or waste time on dating men who she's not feeling it with.  I'm just saying that whether or not you immediately want to rip someone's clothes off isn't necessarily an indication of real relationship potential.

 

 

 

 

[SumGuy]

On 7/29/2021 at 1:16 PM, Gaeta said:

I come from a culture where women are very strong and lead in the relationship, yes. I would not match well with an Alpha man. I prefer an omega man. 

An omega man is also handy in the case of virus-zombie-vampire apocalypse  

[SumGuy]

On 7/29/2021 at 1:35 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

I mean...again..lots and lots of unhappy personal info here, especially for just one date. Geez.

I don't know, kind of normal in my age group, people ask, you answer.  Large difference between answering these things and dwelling on them, being bitter about them, etc.   This kind of stuff always came up early (she is the one that asked almost always) when I was dating, on date 1 or 2, but it did not monopolize the conversation.  You can learn a lot about a person in my mind on how they talk/feel about such a life changing event.

[SumGuy]

On 7/29/2021 at 2:13 PM, Gaeta said:

He was able to explain this to me without judging her or making negative comments about her. I've perceived he was happy in his marriage. She was the way she was and he accepted it and went along with it. Things started going bad enough to seek therapy 2 years before their divorce. He does not randomly talk about it. This information was given to me in a short window of 5 minutes, maybe less. It did not turn me off. 

In my expereince that is the way it should be...when she has talked about her past this way it is very impressive, a real plus.  Shows a level of maturity that is very attractive; sticking to the situation, not making it a blame game, you tried to make it work but it did not.   

[Gaeta]

I think there is hope for my heart of stone. We're done organizing our date for tomorrow and I am feeling........anticipation!  

[SumGuy]

On 7/28/2021 at 9:48 AM, Gaeta said:

...So, I offered we could still get out of town for a day trip. So much to discover in any direction outside of our city. This is when I learn he's a home buddy and he doesn't like going away, visiting new places, he likes restaurants but doesn't like hotels or B&B, being out downtown, festivals, concerts, etc. On a scale of 1 to 10, he's a 6 on being out and about, and told me he'll do it but he'll need a lot of convincing first. ...

If he thinks that is a 6 I shiver to think what he considers a 3.     I'd say he is a 4, maybe a 3 on a scale of 10 on being out and about (sans pandemic of course) and I'm a pretty heavy introvert.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 and I'm a pretty heavy introvert.

Where would you consider yourself on the scale?

[introverted1]

I'm pretty introverted and I need a certain amount of alone time in which to recharge, but this guy does sound pretty restrictive.  I would happily go to a hotel (or B&B), wander around downtown, attend a street festival, go to a concert (or the theater), take a day trip, etc., etc.  And I consider myself a home-body!

[SumGuy]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where would you consider yourself on the scale?

I'd say 5 (but you tell me), or 7 if you count the outdoors. 

As long as there is not a highly communicable disease going around  ....I love B&B's (vastly prefer them), love concerts and live music and dancing, love festivals and flea markets and art shows, like our local baseball stadium (but never watch baseball on TV) and love striking up conversations with strangers at bars. 

I can be very outgoing just because people interest me, (often mistaken for an extrovert), not because I need them to energize me like an extrovert.  I don't necessarily like crowds, but can put up with them and it all depends on the crowd...you know when you are in your element it rocks.  All that being said, when people talk about "culture" for me it is almost a code word for boring and what wealthy people in the 19th century did to distinguish themselves form the masses.

Nature, always up for an adventure, to get out, explore...and have gotten days and days away from the trail head and nearest ranger station, further the better for me.  I am not the person you want to rely on if you want a sober voice of reason if the trail is skiable. 

I have plenty of introverted interest and being on "lockdown" was not that hard for me (months went by where just saw my gf and kids...didn't bug me at all...kind of liked it), and I do need home/alone time to recharge.  I could spend all day doing stuff at home and not be bothered by it...but I do have a lot of cool stuff can do.   If she wants to stay in I am cool with that, plenty to do "inside"   my need to get out is pretty low to the extroverts I know, who can't go more than a week if that.

So where do you think I fall on the scale?  My desire to get out is only for things I like to do (though I am very open to trying new things) but can do without and have near zero motivation to get out just to get out.