Am I crazy to think this?

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

You know it's kinda hard to stay silent on this and not bring it up of a week goes by and we will just text and not see each other.

I understand it would be hard for you, because you need that reassurance, and that's okay.  In fact, I know it's difficult for some people to take my advice, because most women (and some men) are the same as you.  Needing reassurance when things feel "off" or don't go according to "plan."

Me?  I am perfectly fine with the distance, and also with uncertainty, I actually embrace those things.  I understand nuance and that relationships are not always linear.

Shakespeare himself wrote it  - "the course of true love never did run smooth."  Which I have found to be true.

I also understand ambivalence and if things were good with us before all this happened, I'd sit with it, and play it out, do my own thing....

This has always worked out in my favor and my boyfriends always "came back" stronger than before and we went on to have a LTR.

That said, if you really feel you need to ask, seeking reassurance, then by all means do so!

I hope it works out for you the way you hope!

Edited June 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

No I dont think it's normal based on how he acted before.

How about based on relationships you've had before? People act differently at different points in a relationship. People are often in the honeymoon stage at first, then they relax a little.

What have YOUR relationships been like? 

What I'm getting at is, is this a pattern with you? I'm not accusing you, I'm just asking. 

[Britney25]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I understand it would be hard for you, because you need that reassurance, and that's okay.  In fact, I know it's difficult for some people to take my advice, because most women (and some men) are the same as you.  Needing reassurance when things feel "off" or don't go according to "plan."

Me?  I am perfectly fine with the distance, and also with uncertainty, I actually embrace those things.  I understand nuance and that relationships are not always linear.

Shakespeare himself wrote it  - "the course of true love never did run smooth."  Which I have found to be true.

I also understand ambivalence and if things were good with us before all this happened, I'd sit with it, and play it out, do my own thing....

This has always worked out in my favor and my boyfriends always "came back" stronger than before and we went on to have a LTR.

That said, if you really feel you need to ask, seeking reassurance, then by all means do so!

I hope it works out for you the way you hope!

I will listen to you poppy and stay silent this week. Otherwise I might blow it. I will observe what he does.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

How about based on relationships you've had before? People act differently at different points in a relationship. People are often in the honeymoon stage at first, then they relax a little.

What have YOUR relationships been like? 

What I'm getting at is, is this a pattern with you? I'm not accusing you, I'm just asking. 

I havent had a realationship in 10yrs, so this is like starting from the beginning for me. Still its 4 months.  It still should be like a honeymoon phase shpuldnt it? I mean why am I still excited about him and miss him and he is I dont know...not eager enough seems.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I havent had a realationship in 10yrs, so this is like starting from the beginning for me. Still its 4 months.  It still should be like a honeymoon phase shpuldnt it? I mean why am I still excited about him and miss him and he is I dont know...not eager enough seems.

Bolded, I guess you didn't read my post about how the 3-4 month mark is a sort of transition period?  From the 'fantasy honeymoon phase' to reality?  Where your partner begins seeing the real you, versus a fantasy Disney version of you. 

If you don't wish to listen to me, google it, there are tons of articles written about it, it's quite common.

Good luck Britney.

Edited June 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

I havent had a realationship in 10yrs, so this is like starting from the beginning for me. Still its 4 months.  It still should be like a honeymoon phase shpuldnt it? I mean why am I still excited about him and miss him and he is I dont know...not eager enough seems.

There are no shoulds. A timer doesn't go off to end the honeymoon phase.

Okay, so you haven't had a relationship in 10 years. 10 years ago when you had relationships, did you have any trust issues?

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, I guess you didn't read my post about how the 3-4 month mark is a sort of transition period?  From the 'fantasy honeymoon phase' to reality?

If you don't wish to listen to me, google it, there are tons of articles written about it, it's quite common.

Good luck Britney.

I'm sorry poppy...I did read your response. It's weird for me because my feelings havent changed. We have a great connection. He even keeps saying it...so if he is like you say analyzing why would he be texting me still. Is this normal?

[Britney25]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

There are no shoulds. A timer doesn't go off to end the honeymoon phase.

Okay, so you haven't had a relationship in 10 years. 10 years ago when you had relationships, did you have any trust issues?

No trust issues no. First for me with this guy.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I will listen to you poppy and stay silent this week. Otherwise I might blow it. I will observe what he does.

Okay. But know that if your reaction was this strong over this one week, the issue is going to come up again and again for you, any time you feel he's not doing what he "should," until you address what caused this strong a reaction in the first place.

Playing a game you really don't feel isn't going to fix all of this.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

No trust issues no. First for me with this guy.

Okay. Then maybe you're picking up on something. I guess do this sitting on your hands thing for a week and then see what happens from there. 

[Britney25]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay. But know that if your reaction was this strong over this one week, the issue is going to come up again and again for you, any time you feel he's not doing what he "should," until you address what caused this strong a reaction in the first place.

Playing a game you really don't feel isn't going to fix all of this.

I'm not playing a game. Yes I'm unsure about his feelings toward me right now. Just because he texts me thinking of you means nothing if he actually doesnt want to see me. If he would plan a date for this week then cool. Of course to me it's a red flag. He doesnt even ask me how my day is anymore.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I'm sorry poppy...I did read your response. It's weird for me because my feelings havent changed. We have a great connection. He even keeps saying it...so if he is like you say analyzing why would he be texting me still. Is this normal?

I am only guessing but perhaps he is re-assessing.  Again, not uncommon.

Just because you aren't experiencing it, that does not mean he isn't.

Remember, your partner is not you, he is a completely different person with his own anxieties, fears and insecurities about whatever.

My last piece of advice for the day.  Do some reading on interpersonal relationships, human behavior, and watch some Esther Perel videos re how to maintain desire in a LTR.

She talks about how distance can be beneficial in maintaining desire and keeping that desire alive in long term relationships.

I realize this may sound a bit c0cky, but if you play this right, you could possibly have this man eating out of the palm of your hand...

It's up to you.

Edited June 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay. Then maybe you're picking up on something. I guess do this sitting on your hands thing for a week and then see what happens from there. 

Ok thanks

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I am only guessing but perhaps he is re-assessing.  Again, not uncommon.

Just because you aren't experiencing it, that does not mean he isn't.

Remember, your partner is not you, he is a completely different person with his own anxieties, fears and insecurities about whatever.

My least piece of advice.  Do some reading on interpersonal relationships, human behavior, and watch some Esther Perel videos re how to maintain desire in a LTR.

She talks about how distance can be beneficial in maintaining desire and keeping that desire alive.

Ohh I'll give him distance this week. Like I said I'm not going to initiate any texts. Not even how was your day. 

[Britney25]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am only guessing but perhaps he is re-assessing.  Again, not uncommon.

Just because you aren't experiencing it, that does not mean he isn't.

Remember, your partner is not you, he is a completely different person with his own anxieties, fears and insecurities about whatever.

My last piece of advice for the day.  Do some reading on interpersonal relationships, human behavior, and watch some Esther Perel videos re how to maintain desire in a LTR.

She talks about how distance can be beneficial in maintaining desire and keeping that desire alive in long term relationships.

I realize this may sound a bit c0cky, but if you play this right, you could possibly have this man eating out of the palm of your hand...

It's up to you.

Why are relationships a game? Shouldn't it be easy?????? Its disappointing.  I'm a very caring,  sensitive, woman who will do anything for the right Man. Life is soooooo short. Why cant it be easy?? Ugh

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

I'm not playing a game. Yes I'm unsure about his feelings toward me right now. Just because he texts me thinking of you means nothing if he actually doesnt want to see me. If he would plan a date for this week then cool. Of course to me it's a red flag. He doesnt even ask me how my day is anymore.

Yes, you're playing a game. Page after page, hundreds of impassioned, frustrated, scared, angry words for us. "I'm not bothering to call, I'm just chill" for him. And all to not "scare" him away.

Things have changed. You don't know why yet. If it were me I would simply ask. If just asking were enough to send him running for the hills in sheer terror then he wasn't that crazy about me to begin with and better I knew earlier than later.

Look at you, you're twisted in a hundred knots. This is absolutely horrible for you. I am just imagining you going through seven more days of things and your head blowing right off your body.

It's one thing to allow an SO space, that's a given. But I mean read through this thread again...you are way over the top upset. By the time you do finally hear from him at this point the steam is all going to blow out and you're going to lose it on him, I see it coming.

If it were me I'd fish or cut bait. Your reactions are this severe for a reason. One week of "look how cool I am about all this" just isn't going to work in your situation. Because you're not.

 

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Yes, you're playing a game. Page after page, hundreds of impassioned, frustrated, scared, angry words for us. "I'm not bothering to call, I'm just chill" for him. And all to not "scare" him away.

Things have changed. You don't know why yet. If it were me I would simply ask. If just asking were enough to send him running for the hills in sheer terror then he wasn't that crazy about me to begin with and better I knew earlier than later.

Look at you, you're twisted in a hundred knots. This is absolutely horrible for you. I am just imagining you going through seven more days of things and your head blowing right off your body.

It's one thing to allow an SO space, that's a given. But I mean read through this thread again...you are way over the top upset. By the time you do finally hear from him at this point the steam is all going to blow out and you're going to lose it on him, I see it coming.

If it were me I'd fish or cut bait. Your reactions are this severe for a reason. One week of "look how cool I am about all this" just isn't going to work in your situation. Because you're not.

 

Well what am I supposed to do? If you say this is all in my head then that means I shouldn't bring anything up only if he doesn't meet with me this week. That's what I'm planning on doing. Honestly I would be calmer if he does plan a date this week...otherwise yes it feels odd.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Well what am I supposed to do? If you say this is all in my head then that means I shouldn't bring anything up only if he doesn't meet with me this week. That's what I'm planning on doing. Honestly I would be calmer if he does plan a date this week...otherwise yes it feels odd.

No, I'm not saying it's all in your head. You say you haven't had this happen before. It isn't a pattern. I was really just trying to clarify.

What should you do - I mean it's up to you, I just don't believe based on these posts that you're going to be able to hold out playing it cool. Why didn't you plan the date, BTW? I can't remember.

[Britney25]

11 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

No, I'm not saying it's all in your head. You say you haven't had this happen before. It isn't a pattern. I was really just trying to clarify.

What should you do - I mean it's up to you, I just don't believe based on these posts that you're going to be able to hold out playing it cool. Why didn't you plan the date, BTW? I can't remember.

I did ask if we can meet Sunday or Monday...he replied maybe Monday but for sure soon. I was confused by his vague response.  Then today he texts me thinking of you but nothing about let's see each other. I'm not going to push obviously. 

[MsJayne]

This all smacks too much of game-playing.  You're supposedly his girlfriend, he gets home from a work trip and hasn't actually called you to tell you how his trip went and just say hello, just sends texts saying "I'm thinking of you".  He's being a bit of a dick. I would call him, and I would ask him, why the change in behaviour?  To me this could be an early warning that he's the sort of guy who invests big early in a relationships and then starts taking you for granted way too soon, like a salesman, lots of butt-kissing while you're a sale prospect but the service drops right off once you sign up as a customer. If you call him and ask him what's up, and he responds by telling you you're needy, clingy, insecure, or all the above, just run. He also could be playing the game where he wants out of the relationship but is gutless so is deliberately antagonising you so that you'll end it. The other possibility is that he's had a terrible accident and is in a wheel chair with his tongue cut out 🙄. Either call him and clear the air, or just stop responding to his texts because that's always a great way to get across the message that you're not playing his stupid game. 

[Britney25]

32 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This all smacks too much of game-playing.  You're supposedly his girlfriend, he gets home from a work trip and hasn't actually called you to tell you how his trip went and just say hello, just sends texts saying "I'm thinking of you".  He's being a bit of a dick. I would call him, and I would ask him, why the change in behaviour?  To me this could be an early warning that he's the sort of guy who invests big early in a relationships and then starts taking you for granted way too soon, like a salesman, lots of butt-kissing while you're a sale prospect but the service drops right off once you sign up as a customer. If you call him and ask him what's up, and he responds by telling you you're needy, clingy, insecure, or all the above, just run. He also could be playing the game where he wants out of the relationship but is gutless so is deliberately antagonising you so that you'll end it. The other possibility is that he's had a terrible accident and is in a wheel chair with his tongue cut out 🙄. Either call him and clear the air, or just stop responding to his texts because that's always a great way to get across the message that you're not playing his stupid game. 

He never calls me. Usually we only text. He called me only twice before. 

If he wants to end it then why keep texting and not stay silent thou? 

[Britney25]

42 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This all smacks too much of game-playing.  You're supposedly his girlfriend, he gets home from a work trip and hasn't actually called you to tell you how his trip went and just say hello, just sends texts saying "I'm thinking of you".  He's being a bit of a dick. I would call him, and I would ask him, why the change in behaviour?  To me this could be an early warning that he's the sort of guy who invests big early in a relationships and then starts taking you for granted way too soon, like a salesman, lots of butt-kissing while you're a sale prospect but the service drops right off once you sign up as a customer. If you call him and ask him what's up, and he responds by telling you you're needy, clingy, insecure, or all the above, just run. He also could be playing the game where he wants out of the relationship but is gutless so is deliberately antagonising you so that you'll end it. The other possibility is that he's had a terrible accident and is in a wheel chair with his tongue cut out 🙄. Either call him and clear the air, or just stop responding to his texts because that's always a great way to get across the message that you're not playing his stupid game. 

He is being a dick, but everyone on here is saying I'm the needy one!

[Britney25]

48 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This all smacks too much of game-playing.  You're supposedly his girlfriend, he gets home from a work trip and hasn't actually called you to tell you how his trip went and just say hello, just sends texts saying "I'm thinking of you".  He's being a bit of a dick. I would call him, and I would ask him, why the change in behaviour?  To me this could be an early warning that he's the sort of guy who invests big early in a relationships and then starts taking you for granted way too soon, like a salesman, lots of butt-kissing while you're a sale prospect but the service drops right off once you sign up as a customer. If you call him and ask him what's up, and he responds by telling you you're needy, clingy, insecure, or all the above, just run. He also could be playing the game where he wants out of the relationship but is gutless so is deliberately antagonising you so that you'll end it. The other possibility is that he's had a terrible accident and is in a wheel chair with his tongue cut out 🙄. Either call him and clear the air, or just stop responding to his texts because that's always a great way to get across the message that you're not playing his stupid game. 

And why would he text me cant wait to see you???? Why?? So dick of him.

[Britney25]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

No, I'm not saying it's all in your head. You say you haven't had this happen before. It isn't a pattern. I was really just trying to clarify.

What should you do - I mean it's up to you, I just don't believe based on these posts that you're going to be able to hold out playing it cool. Why didn't you plan the date, BTW? I can't remember.

He texted hope you had a great day. I'm so confused.

[Britney25]

@Poppy fields

He texted hope you had a great day.

I'm soooooo confused.