Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 6 hours ago, Alpaca said: I don't know Britney. The whole story sounds suspect. You meet, get shuttled in an uber, have sex, he's never been to your home. We don't just meet. We spend time together, we go on a date. Shuttled in an uber? He picked and drops me off. Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 56 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Maybe so. But you can't deny there is an unhealthy dependency on your boyfriend that is taking a tremendous toll on you. I'm not depended on my bf. I'm not waiting by the phone for him to text me. I was just looking for advice. I have no experience with how relationships should flow. I have anxiety because I was anorexic. I have that tendency, but I also desire a Man who is crazy for me. Maybe I am expecting too much, maybe I dont know how a boyfriend is supposed to treat you. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Britney25 said: We don't just meet. We spend time together, we go on a date. Shuttled in an uber? He picked and drops me off. Ugh Lol, I think it's sweet how you're defending him and your RL now and I mean that. Brit, why not say goodbye to this thread and simply love your boyfriend and enjoy the RL, appreciate the things he DOES give you and what he does not, give to yourself. Take steps to become less dependent on him to feel happy and less anxious, and more independent achieving those things on your own. Talk to your parents about moving out on your own, at 36 years of age it's time. I guarantee if you do these things, you will both be much happier. Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Britney25 said: I have no experience with how relationships should flow. I dont know how a boyfriend is supposed to treat you. I suggested this earlier, but there are ton of great books and videos circulating on the internet about interpersonal relationships, male/female dynamics, the laws of attraction, and so many other things that would help you understand how relationships should flow. This forum is great in many ways, but it can also be toxic in that you have so many differing opinions, not to mention NO ONE knows the true dynamic between you and your boyfriend except for you and your boyfriend. So you will receive a lot of conflicting advice that will only confuse you. There is no "one right way" for how a man should treat you. What is acceptable for one woman may not be for another. You need to determine for yourself what is acceptable to YOU. That said the one thing that should always be there is mutual respect. And trust. Without respect and trust, you have nothing. I will be off the forum for a while, so in closing, I wish you the best Britney and am sorry for the struggles you have been experiencing and have experienced in the past. Good luck!! 💛 Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 28 minutes ago, Britney25 said: I'm not depended on my bf. I'm not waiting by the phone for him to text me. I was just looking for advice. I have no experience with how relationships should flow. I have anxiety because I was anorexic. I have that tendency, but I also desire a Man who is crazy for me. Maybe I am expecting too much, maybe I dont know how a boyfriend is supposed to treat you. It's fine if you have no prior experience. One-on-one guidance would be really good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 8 hours ago, AnnieB said: Not to keep shitting on men, but I do not recall a time, when a man would respectfully break it off with me with communication and a clean break. Not a single time. And I'm 41. Me neither. 🙂 The communication and clean break only happened on a few occasions when I initiated the discussion. @Britney25, FWIW, I'm with you on not bringing a boyfriend home to meet one's parents at the 4-month point. In my context, we tend to only bring someone home once we know we're going to marry or move in together. Knowing full well that you were from a different culture, your boyfriend should have brought up the delay in meeting your parents if he was feeling concerned about it. Simply sulking about it and then pulling away slowly is hardly mature (assuming that that is the genuine reason for his behavior). I strongly advise that you keep an eye on how you and he handle conflict/problems going forward. That will give you insight into how compatible you two actually are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 9 hours ago, Britney25 said: Oh dont give me that BS of slow fade. He is a Man. He can grow some balls and end it. He told me it doesnt bother him that much or else he would of already ended it yesterday. He told me that. So he is still lieing? Come on I am afraid it is very common. The slow fade is a natural way for many relationships to end. One person becomes less interested in seeing the other, there is not the same desire to spend time with them. They become "busy", they spend more time working or seeing friends, engaging in hobbies or just making it difficult for the other to see them. They become more unavailable either passively or actively. They may want to maintain some of the connection ie for sex, but it is only on their terms. I guess here your "bf" was looking for a relationship to provide regular sex. He was gung-ho at the start, but that was because he was determined to lock you down to make sure you were not seeing others, but has now realised he can get the sex without much hassle, so has jettisoned the unnecessary boyfriendy stuff. Now with minimal input from him, he gets the sex he wants but without the encumbrance of an actual gf. All he needs to do is to lob, "miss you babe" and the like in your direction and now YOU do all the planning. He "fits you in" when it suits.. He doesn't feel guilty as you are a volunteer not a victim. Yes this may be part of a slow fade on the way to ending or it may be just a fine tuning of the situation to get to an arrangement that suits his needs. A bait and switch essentially. He was the perfect bf to grab your attention but all he really needs is a fwb and he s now hoping to persuade you to accept that role without actually saying it... Last minute availability, no plans and "busy" is the MO also of married/attached men. Are you absolutely sure this guy is actually "single"? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) Yea you know the guy better than us(though I get a distinct feeling is still not much), but it’s clearly an advantageous move to “slow fade” when you want out of a rship, rather than cut a rship off entirely. That way you can change your mind possibly, fallback plan, sex on probably still on tap etc etc. It is not nice to the other person. I am just saying morals aside, it’s not surprising that/why someone would do that and lie and say they weren’t —— Besides I would suggest therapy/counseling that to work through self esteem/anxiety issues. I had anxiety (mostly school but other stuff too) and worked through a lot of it that way ^^ Edited July 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 7 hours ago, Britney25 said: He texted good night babe. Usually doesn't text me that. Seems like more passive aggressive nonsense to quell your anxiety about communication, no? Unfortunately you're quite combative and at the same time needy. Again this is the control aspect. Ironically anorexia is about hiding and you're hiding a lot from him. He's probably been talking to friends and family about all this and all the stuff that isn't adding up. Do you have health insurance through your job? Perhaps getting regular mental and physical health care could help you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 The actions of this man have made Brittany anxious and insecure. I am not sure a therapist is the right answer.:Learning to accept the unacceptable is not conducive to long term happiness. Getting rid of the cause of her misery i.e. the inconsistent, disappearing bf, would probably be much more helpful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) I am not one to jump to the suggestion of therapy here because I know that people can become very anxious and irrational in dating situations. However, it is my opinion that Britt25 has exhibited many signs in this thread that she may benefit from some form of therapy independent of her relationship with this guy. In fact, I believe self esteem issues might be why she continues to date this guy . At the very least, she is recovering from an eating disorder she says claimed a significant portion of her dating life. It might be good to talk to someone if you’re not already and have the means . I hope no offense is taken, Britt25. You seem like a sweet/cool person. My own experience is that I am now at the point where almost nothing can make me very anxious. For example, I had to break up with my boyfriend the other day and normally I would have been freaking out much more and very hard for me too, But I handled it with minimal anxiety.:) brought new meaning to “independence day”😊 Edited July 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: The actions of this man have made Brittany anxious and insecure. I am not sure a therapist is the right answer. A 16 week dating situation that's not working out is disappointing, but it does not create a 20 year history of eating disorders or the associated difficulties. Appropriate medical and mental health care is in fact indicated for people with struggles such as this. A shaky relationship, marked by lying about having an eating disorder, hiding how she lives, etc. indicates that there are underlying issues that this mismatched dating situation magnifies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: A shaky relationship, marked by lying about having an eating disorder, hiding how she lives, etc. Wait wait! This thread evolves so quickly I have no time to keep up with it. Britney25 has not told boyfriend of her anorexia? and he doesn't know she lives with her parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Seems like more passive aggressive nonsense to quell your anxiety about communication, no? Unfortunately you're quite combative and at the same time needy. Again this is the control aspect. Ironically anorexia is about hiding and you're hiding a lot from him. He's probably been talking to friends and family about all this and all the stuff that isn't adding up. Do you have health insurance through your job? Perhaps getting regular mental and physical health care could help you feel better. But thing is before our chat he always texted me every day so no this can't be passive aggressive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 36 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Wait wait! This thread evolves so quickly I have no time to keep up with it. Britney25 has not told boyfriend of her anorexia? and he doesn't know she lives with her parents? Yes he knows I live with my parents. @Wise man I never said he doesnt know I live with my parents! No he doesn't know I suffered from anorexia because that's in the past. Like I said anorexia doesn't define me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 Didn't you say you were thinking about ending it if you sense he's not as interested or invested? That's a process and not something that happens right on cue when other people say it ought to happen. Think about it for awhile. I agree with Acacia and reflecting on how he handles discussions or problems in future. He sounds very immature to me and a bit dull, not malicious or passive aggressive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 7 hours ago, Acacia98 said: In my context, we tend to only bring someone home once we know we're going to marry or move in together. So it's okay to have sex as much as you want before you marry; just do not bring them to meet the parents until you marry or move in? Are the parents allowed at the wedding ceremony? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: So it's okay to have sex as much as you want before you marry; just do not bring them to meet the parents until you marry or move in? Are the parents allowed at the wedding ceremony? Ok your comment is on called for. Frankly you offended me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 11 minutes ago, glows said: Didn't you say you were thinking about ending it if you sense he's not as interested or invested? That's a process and not something that happens right on cue when other people say it ought to happen. Think about it for awhile. I agree with Acacia and reflecting on how he handles discussions or problems in future. He sounds very immature to me and a bit dull, not malicious or passive aggressive. Well yes, now I'm beginning to see that he is kinda dull and boring. I was thinking maybe that's his personality, the true him coming out. Maybe he's tired, he does have a demanding job. My mind doesn't quickly go to he maybe cheating on me or not invested because I never had anyone cheating on me or I never cheated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 8 minutes ago, Britney25 said: Ok your comment is on called for. Frankly you offended me. It wasn't a comment it was a question. It wasn't directed at you it was asked of Acacia because I can't get a good answer from you. But sorry if I offended. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 13 minutes ago, Britney25 said: Well yes, now I'm beginning to see that he is kinda dull and boring. I was thinking maybe that's his personality, the true him coming out. Maybe he's tired, he does have a demanding job. My mind doesn't quickly go to he maybe cheating on me or not invested because I never had anyone cheating on me or I never cheated. There are boring parts of a relationship also - the day to day. If you can sense he's a good person and you feel like the relationship is moving in the right direction, don't be afraid of dull and boring. From what you've relayed the conversations seem very sparse or superficial over text. Maybe you have other conversations in person that are much more meaningful and in depth about each other or what you want for yourselves. He does text to check in on you but he doesn't ask you out as often anymore. What else do you know about him besides his job or his work? When you date someone you have to find out everything you know. Don't let it be a war of egos. Do your homework and find out more about this man and maybe that will take you out of this sense of inertia and helplessness trying to figure out whether he's any good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Britney25 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 6 minutes ago, glows said: There are boring parts of a relationship also - the day to day. If you can sense he's a good person and you feel like the relationship is moving in the right direction, don't be afraid of dull and boring. From what you've relayed the conversations seem very sparse or superficial over text. Maybe you have other conversations in person that are much more meaningful and in depth about each other or what you want for yourselves. He does text to check in on you but he doesn't ask you out as often anymore. What else do you know about him besides his job or his work? When you date someone you have to find out everything you know. Don't let it be a war of egos. Do your homework and find out more about this man and maybe that will take you out of this sense of inertia and helplessness trying to figure out whether he's any good. Well he told me he is divorced, no kids. He wants to get married again and have children this time he feels ready. He told me he wants to support me, thinks I'm amazing. We do have great conversation. I do like our connection but now in starting to have doubts about him. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 3 minutes ago, Britney25 said: Well he told me he is divorced, no kids. He wants to get married again and have children this time he feels ready. He told me he wants to support me, thinks I'm amazing. We do have great conversation. I do like our connection but now in starting to have doubts about him. So measure the walk for the talk. That's good that you're starting to compare actions versus words. Anyone can say those words but whether the situation is the right mix to amount to all that (which he described about) is another matter and people do like to dream. Keep that in mind too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnnieB Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 Be careful with men that call you “amazing”. It’s a love bomb lexicon. I just went through a situationship with a man, who was calling me amazing and all the things, but came really short, when it came to actually dating me. Let them admire you from a distance, I say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Britney25 said: No he doesn't know I suffered from anorexia because that's in the past. Like I said anorexia doesn't define me. If you haven't discussed significant events in your past, it sounds as though the relationship is quite casual still. 49 minutes ago, Britney25 said: Well he told me he is divorced, no kids. He wants to get married again and have children this time he feels ready. Do you want to be married and have children? Edited July 7, 2021 by introverted1 Link to post Share on other sites
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