Am I crazy to think this?

[Amanda92]

Girl move out and go to a therapy. Work on building your independence and helping yourself. You will be ready to start a relationship when you will feel okay with yourself.

Edited July 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

What do you mean distant? I don't think he was emotionally closed off. He was envisioning future plans, not me. Maybe he was just so infatuated but why then ask me to be his girlfriend? I'm seriously confused and I have a big headache over this. Everything he said at the beginning he made happen so I didnt think he is BSing me. I didn't catch anything. 

Maybe he did lose interest in me the last month. If so it kills me why, how? I know he has the right to loose interest but it kills me why. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. 

My Mom she keeps wanting me to suppress my emotions.  She thinks they are irrelevant.  All my life I have been told to be quiet, dont cry, like my feelings aren't valid. And now this happens and I dont know if this is a sign I'm not supposed to be with anyone ? I keep getting hurt. I know hes not crying at all. I know. So when he kept telling me miss you, thinking about you that was also a lie? I should ask him tomorrow.  Was all your feelings for me a lie? Did you use me suppress your feelings for your ex? I dont know.

He wasn't distant in the beginning, but is distant now.  Distant meaning: not reaching out, avoiding you, rescheduling meetings etc.   Early on his feelings wouldn't have been a lie, but now they are just lip service. 

Most of us never know or understand why someone does what they do, and getting stuck needing an answer only holds us back from recovery.  Sometimes, we just need to say "it is what it is, throw our hands up, accept it and move on"

Regarding you and your Mom, I can see both sides of this.  Yes, you're absolutely entitled to have feelings, but it's also important to ask yourself if your feelings are in proportion to the problem.  This was a whirlwind thing which went well for about three months and then faded.  I say kindly, your feelings are out of proportion to what happened and have become obsessive.  Even the speed at which you are posting here indicates obsession.   You Mom is likely trying to help you calm down and deal with this a bit more rationally, as well as worrying that you are starting to become mentally unwell. Her nightmare is that you will end up returning to having an eating disorder.   Thing is, you're currently winding yourself up and up and up...and you need to find a way to start bringing yourself back down.  

Two suggestions for bringing yourself down: 

1. try reading The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*  by Mark Manson

2. The serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  At this point, the thing you cannot change is you not knowing why he's lost interest, and why he didn't proactively end it.   And you will never know.  So acceptance is your next step.

 

[Britney25]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He wasn't distant in the beginning, but is distant now.  Distant meaning: not reaching out, avoiding you, rescheduling meetings etc.   Early on his feelings wouldn't have been a lie, but now they are just lip service. 

Most of us never know or understand why someone does what they do, and getting stuck needing an answer only holds us back from recovery.  Sometimes, we just need to say "it is what it is, throw our hands up, accept it and move on"

Regarding you and your Mom, I can see both sides of this.  Yes, you're absolutely entitled to have feelings, but it's also important to ask yourself if your feelings are in proportion to the problem.  This was a whirlwind thing which went well for about three months and then faded.  I say kindly, your feelings are out of proportion to what happened and have become obsessive.  Even the speed at which you are posting here indicates obsession.   You Mom is likely trying to help you calm down and deal with this a bit more rationally, as well as worrying that you are starting to become mentally unwell. Her nightmare is that you will end up returning to having an eating disorder.   Thing is, you're currently winding yourself up and up and up...and you need to find a way to start bringing yourself back down.  

Two suggestions for bringing yourself down: 

1. try reading The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*  by Mark Manson

2. The serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  At this point, the thing you cannot change is you not knowing why he's lost interest, and why he didn't proactively end it.   And you will never know.  So acceptance is your next step.

 

Well you know what I'm going to stop eating again. I've had enough. At least when I had anorexia everything was easy to control. It's the only way I process emotions. Stop eating. That will help me for sure.

I am a very religious person. My faith is catholic.  I live God and I pray daily, but it hurts me because it seems I will never find the love I'm looking for. I want a husband, children like other women my age and younger already have. I dont know...maybe God wants me to be a nun. I seriously ask myself this everytime.

[basil67]

Yes, your anorexia returning is exactly what your mother is deathly afraid of.   Have you spoken to your priest about your troubles with God's plans for you?  

Please go and see a psychologist before your eating disorder spirals out of control again. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by basil67

[Britney25]

Why do I feel like my feelings are not valid? It was 3 months only, it was a fling, it was this and that. It justifies the Men and what they do is good. I can't just say screw him and find another guy. I feel like he dropped me like a hot potato.  Disposed me like I never meant anything to him. A text it's over would be nice. He could block after if scared of drama. But he wanted to stay silent. That's what hurts.

[Britney25]

Just now, basil67 said:

Yes, your anorexia returning is exactly what your mother is deathly afraid of.   Have you spoken to your priest about your troubles with God's plans for you?

I haven't....I should go. I'm already not eating after this happened. 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Why do I feel like my feelings are not valid? It was 3 months only, it was a fling, it was this and that. It justifies the Men and what they do is good. I can't just say screw him and find another guy. I feel like he dropped me like a hot potato.  Disposed me like I never meant anything to him. A text it's over would be nice. He could block after if scared of drama. But he wanted to stay silent. That's what hurts.

My words were never intended to be gendered and I'm saddened that you've twisted them into blaming Men.  

I know it hurts that he chose to stay silent, but you can't change it, so your only choice is to accept it and leave him behind.

[Britney25]

I'm just bewildered by the sudden dramatic change in his feelings.

[Britney25]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Please go and see a psychologist before your eating disorder spirals out of control again. 

Thanks for your concern but I choose not to eat.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Britney25

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. 

My Mom she keeps wanting me to suppress my emotions.  She thinks they are irrelevant.  All my life I have been told to be quiet, dont cry, like my feelings aren't valid. And now this happens and I dont know if this is a sign I'm not supposed to be with anyone ?

Dear girl, do not ever believe this nonsense that your emotions are irrelevant! Your emotions are you! Your emotions are indicators of what you need and they are the compass for what is good or not good for you!  

You are entitled to your feelings. It is a violation for anyone to try to deprive you of them or to shame you for your feelings. 

It's horrible for your mom to do this!

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

Thanks for your concern but I choose not to eat.

How about seeing a psychologist to learn healthy coping mechanisms, stress management and resilience?  

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

I  can't just say screw him and find another guy. I feel like he dropped me like a hot potato.  Disposed me like I never meant anything to him. A text it's over would be nice. He could block after if scared of drama. But he wanted to stay silent. That's what hurts.

Yes he dropped you like a hot potatoe. Yes he disposed of you like you meant nothing. He could have made it less painful for you but he didn't. He's not a real man. He's a boy playing being a man.  It's better you discover it now at 4 months, then you discover it in 5-6 years and find yourself divorced, no childen and having to find a new man at 43 to make babies.

You mentionned you are Catholic, l am too. You know some of the bad things happening to us are blessings in disguise.  Breakups are part of those blessings. They open the door for someone better. 

It's your first breakup. They hurt the most but it passes. It always passes. 

[Acacia98]

[removed hidden content]

Nah. The problem isn't that you cared too much and were too sweet. Allow me to oversimplify things for just a bit: the problem is that you forgot that you were supposed to be assessing him to determine whether he was the right guy for you. There was always a possibility that he would end the relationship. There was always a possibility that you would end the relationship. Not because either of you was a monster, but because, in the course of getting to know each other, you were likely to realize that you weren't a good fit. That's how most dating situations turn out. It's normal for relationships to end. Remember, you guys dated for 4 months. There are folks who marry and have children and live together for years and then divorce. And it is often said that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So being in a relationship that ends is the norm. It does not mean there's something wrong with you.

This guy is not right for you. That is part of what you should be focusing on. Focusing exclusively on the fact that he rejected you is harming you because it makes you feel like a helpless victim. But you are not helpless. While you can't control him, you can control some aspects of your situation. You can make some choices that empower you. 

There are plenty of signs that this guy isn't right for you. One is the fact that you don't communicate well with each other. You seem to have been walking on eggshells around him for a while. You couldn't say this and you couldn't say that because you were scared it would upset him or push him away. You clearly were not comfortable enough with him to even imagine one day opening up to him about your experience with anorexia. Why would you want to have children with this guy if you can't talk freely and openly with him? In addition, he does a lot of things that trigger your anxiety. He also runs away from conflict and emotional intimacy. Moreover, he doesn't have the sense to end things with you in a way that minimises your pain and preserves your dignity. ls this really a person who would stand by you in sickness and in health? Can you imagine how terribly he would let you down if you actually got married and started a family together? Then there's the fact that he was declaring he wanted to have babies with you when he barely knew you. You want to be wary of people who make grand declarations about that type of thing too easily and too early. They typically don't follow through. 

My sense is that you're not ready to date right now. The dating world is often really brutal: rejection by multiple people is part of the process. If you're not ready to deal with the possibility of rejection after rejection and still maintain a healthy dose of self-esteem, then dating could be traumatic for you. And no. You're not the only person dealing with that kind of struggle. Many folks struggle in different ways. If you take time to read different people's posts on these forums, you may be surprised to realize how remarkably similar some of your negative experiences are to other people's. Seeing how they thought about those experiences and made sense of them and dealt with them may help you. 

More than anything, I think you need to focus on your emotional and mental health. You should resume therapy. It will help you deal with the wounds that this relationship has opened up. It sounds like you're dealing with pain that goes back, possibly to your childhood. Many of us don't understand that and are not in a position to help you work through that. So our advice, while well-intentioned, may not be what you need.

Edited July 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Britney25]

27 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Nah. The problem isn't that you cared too much and were too sweet. Allow me to oversimplify things for just a bit: the problem is that you forgot that you were supposed to be assessing him to determine whether he was the right guy for you. There was always a possibility that he would end the relationship. There was always a possibility that you would end the relationship. Not because either of you was a monster, but because, in the course of getting to know each other, you were likely to realize that you weren't a good fit. That's how most dating situations turn out. It's normal for relationships to end. Remember, you guys dated for 4 months. There are folks who marry and have children and live together for years and then divorce. And it is often said that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So being in a relationship that ends is the norm. It does not mean there's something wrong with you.

This guy is not right for you. That is part of what you should be focusing on. Focusing exclusively on the fact that he rejected you is harming you because it makes you feel like a helpless victim. But you are not helpless. While you can't control him, you can control some aspects of your situation. You can make some choices that empower you. 

There are plenty of signs that this guy isn't right for you. One is the fact that you don't communicate well with each other. You seem to have been walking on eggshells around him for a while. You couldn't say this and you couldn't say that because you were scared it would upset him or push him away. You clearly were not comfortable enough with him to even imagine one day opening up to him about your experience with anorexia. Why would you want to have children with this guy if you can't talk freely and openly with him? In addition, he does a lot of things that trigger your anxiety. He also runs away from conflict and emotional intimacy. Moreover, he doesn't have the sense to end things with you in a way that minimises your pain and preserves your dignity. ls this really a person who would stand by you in sickness and in health? Can you imagine how terribly he would let you down if you actually got married and started a family together? Then there's the fact that he was declaring he wanted to have babies with you when he barely knew you. You want to be wary of people who make grand declarations about that type of thing too easily and too early. They typically don't follow through. 

My sense is that you're not ready to date right now. The dating world is often really brutal: rejection by multiple people is part of the process. If you're not ready to deal with the possibility of rejection after rejection and still maintain a healthy dose of self-esteem, then dating could be traumatic for you. And no. You're not the only person dealing with that kind of struggle. Many folks struggle in different ways. If you take time to read different people's posts on these forums, you may be surprised to realize how remarkably similar some of your negative experiences are to other people's. Seeing how they thought about those experiences and made sense of them and dealt with them may help you. 

More than anything, I think you need to focus on your emotional and mental health. You should resume therapy. It will help you deal with the wounds that this relationship has opened up. It sounds like you're dealing with pain that goes back, possibly to your childhood. Many of us don't understand that and are not in a position to help you work through that. So our advice, while well-intentioned, may not be what you need.

Everything stems from my father rejected me as a child. I never felt loved, good enough. He never told me I am beautiful.  I never felt easy sharing my emotions...this break up just made all those negative emotions come up because a Man rejected me. That's why it's so hard for me to even share what I feel hence me being anxious texting him about things I didnt like. I am always anxious if I said the right thing. I want a Mans love so desperately that I didnt want to acknowledge the early red flags. I fell for him. I was starving for the love he showed and gave me. I felt wanted.  Finally. Now that he tossed me aside I feel the pain in my gut. Every fear come back to me that strong that I lose appetite this few days.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Thanks for your concern but I choose not to eat.

Did you ever hear from him? 

[AnnieB]

8 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Why do I feel like my feelings are not valid? It was 3 months only, it was a fling, it was this and that. It justifies the Men and what they do is good. I can't just say screw him and find another guy. I feel like he dropped me like a hot potato.  Disposed me like I never meant anything to him. A text it's over would be nice. He could block after if scared of drama. But he wanted to stay silent. That's what hurts.

It doesn’t justify men. He is not a good guy. Even if his “feelings” “changed” and he was the most upstanding guy and not an avoidant or messed up or narcissist or whatever, he still acted like a coward. How a person ends a relationship also speaks of their character and he acted with no grace or character. You should remember that and have solace on that you would never do that. No healthy normal person ghosts people. A healthy normal person understands that they can’t lead people on or use people for sex. It’s an equivalent of stealing and cheating in my book. 
Figure out a way whether it be through therapy or religious counseling, whatever is available to you, figure out a way to work on your self esteem. It’s not going to be easy or fast, and you may never get the things you supposedly want, but on that journey you’re going to discover what it is you actually want. 
Your number one priority should be your mental health and you need to take the steps towards that. 
Moving out of your parents house should also be a priority. Even moving in with roommates is better (it is better by a mile if your find a hood fit), and go to therapy, go to work and tend to your hobbies and interests. 
You're using this man as well - you’re using his behavior to negatively validate you and you need to stop doing that. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by AnnieB
Misspelled

[Britney25]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you ever hear from him? 

Yes he agreed on that time to talk

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Yes he agreed on that time to talk

I am sure the waiting is the worst. You know what’s coming, but you’re still nervous pre-talk. Once this conversation is squared away, you can put it in a mental box and focus on you. It’s going to be hard during the first few months, but I promise you it’ll get better. You’ve been through so much worse, I’m sure. I know you feel that “it’s not fair”, and “why me”, etc. - that’s completely normal. I think it’s a great idea to visit your church and have a talk with a priest. If you are a believer, that’s a great option. Do it soon! Consider yourself lucky that you’re firm in your belief in God. It’s your anchor and your lifeline. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Brit, it's 11:45, is the plan to still talk at noon?

Are you nervous?

Good luck and let us know.  xo

 

[Britney25]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Brit, it's 11:45, is the plan to still talk at noon?

Are you nervous?

Good luck and let us know.  xo

 

Yes the plan is the same. I'm kinda nervous.  Lets see if he follows through. 

Thank you!!!

[JRabbit]

16 hours ago, Britney25 said:

He was envisioning future plans, not me.

This is called future faking. Its part of love bombing. Its a red flag. 

[JRabbit]

15 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Why do I feel like my feelings are not valid? It was 3 months only, it was a fling, it was this and that. It justifies the Men and what they do is good. I can't just say screw him and find another guy. I feel like he dropped me like a hot potato.  Disposed me like I never meant anything to him. A text it's over would be nice. He could block after if scared of drama. But he wanted to stay silent. That's what hurts.

I think you should explore why your entire validity of yourself relies on some guy liking you. Him not liking you isn't personal. It just means you aren't the match you wanted to be. Doesn't make you any less or any less important of a person.  I think counselling may help you find some self worth.

[Britney25]

So he did call.  Brief summary of what happened 

He said he has feelings for his ex again and doesn't think he wants to get married anymore in the future. I basically told him that he lied to me and he was fake for 4 months. I told him I dont believe s*** about what he said. I told him why he kept me in the dark during the last month. He said he was still processing everything. I asked if he even knows my name because he kept calling me babe. He's like you're really asking me that? I said yes. I'm NOT your baby anymore. Were done were finished.

He told me he is very hurt that I don't believe that he cared for me. 

f*** him. 

Then he sent me a text claiming supposedly he just saw my reply and added you are amazing I cherished our time together and if you need a friend I'm here 

f*** him with that text . He f***ing used me. I told him that I dont believe a word he said. Nothing. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by Britney25

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So he did call. 

He said he has feelings for his ex again and doesn't think he wants to get married anymore. I basically told him that he lied to me and he was fake for 4 months. I told him I dont believe s*** about what he said. I told him why he kept me in the dark during the last month. He said he was still processing everything. I asked if he even knows my name because he kept calling me babe. He's like you're really asking me that? I said yes. I'm NOT your baby anymore. Were done were finished.

He told me he is very hurt that I don't believe that he cared for me. 

f*** him. 

Oh ((((Britney))) I feel you. I do. You need to cry. Cry hard. Give yourself time to process this, too.

[stillafool]

((((HUGS))) How are you after the talk Britney?