Am I crazy to think this?

[Britney25]

Just now, JRabbit said:

I recommend checking out the book "Attached".  I think you will find it very helpful.

Also, think about this man and how upset you are, but he is not a good man. He is not worth the tears.  He showed you who he really is, so remember that, and not what he had made himself out to be. That was a fake version of him, that version of him doesn't exist anywhere but in your head.  You should spend some time looking into why you go for men of this type if it is a pattern as you say it is. Sometimes we need to reflect on our own choices instead of blaming the other parties.  The red flags were there but you either didn't see them or you ignored them.  I would try and spend some time figuring out which it was and or why.

True I am also part of the blame. The red flags were there. He promising a lot of things to me, coming on very strong, talking engagement rings,  babies, buying me extravagant gifts, weekend getaway, bday surprise. But I love every moment of it. I loved our connection.  He said he loved our connection as well to me today, he cares for me but when he said that all I kept thinking is BUT YOU STILL CHOOSE HER.

I so crave love. I am a hopeless romantic.  Deep down I just want to believe that's how its supposed to be. To find someone suddenly...your soul mate. I really thought I will be with him. Stupid me even imagined being married to him when we cuddled in bed .

It hurts. I'm 36...not 19 . My clock is ticking . Its cliche but I really believed this year will be the year I find someone. 

[Britney25]

9 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Me neither.

But glad you talked and that it's now behind you. You did great! Proud of you ..... 

Thank you! Remind me how you were right again?  What you though about him?

Edited July 14, 2021 by Britney25

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Its cliche but I really believed this year will be the year I find someone. 

Good news, the year isn't over yet.

[Gaeta]

I'm thinking maybe he never totally cut his link with his ex, all those Saturday nights away from you. Only god knows what he was telling his ex. 

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Good news, the year isn't over yet.

Yes I know...its just how am I to move on that fast an open myself up and start again getting to know someone.  Its suxs. It suxs as well how easy it is to let me go. Like he didn't give crap. Just wow.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Yes I know...its just how am I to move on that fast an open myself up and start again getting to know someone.  

You don't. The next thing for you is to process everything that has just happened to you. 

[Britney25]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I'm thinking maybe he never totally cut his link with his ex, all those Saturday nights away from you. Only god knows what he was telling his ex. 

Doesn't matter. Fact is he didn't choose me. Sucks really, because I developed real feeling for him.  I will miss him. He didnt even say I will miss you in the text after our conversation. I dont believe it's his ex...I think its another Woman.

[Britney25]

I don't think I was the rebound girl.  I think it's another Woman and he used his ex as an excuse. I never saw signs that he missed his ex. He never mentioned her. If what he says was true then hes a great actor. But deep down I think it's another Woman and I even told him that today. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

He never mentioned her.

They rarely do.  No one on a date wants to hear someone talk about their ex and if you're trying to move on you don't want to think about an ex while on a date with someone else.  I do agree that there was still another woman he was interested in too.

[poppyfields]

Hey Brit, just caught up, and am so sorry you're hurting so bad (((BIG virtual hug))).

I'm so glad you were honest about your feelings, with him, with us and yourself, that is so important!

Okay so a bit of Eastern Philosophy - life is one big learning experience, highs and lows, pain and joy, successes and failures.

Trust me when I say this experience WILL make you stronger and smarter, once you heal.  Guaranteed.

Every experience, positive and negative, is a brick laid on your path to somewhere BETTER, never forget that. 

Life is a journey and yes right now, that journey has tossed you a huge LEMON, but you WILL be okay, I promise you!!!

Hope you feel better soon.  

Peace and love. 💛

 

[Alvi]

18 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I don't think I was the rebound girl.  I think it's another Woman and he used his ex as an excuse. I never saw signs that he missed his ex. He never mentioned her. If what he says was true then hes a great actor. But deep down I think it's another Woman and I even told him that today. 

Britney, sorry you are hurting. Big HUGS to you.  That guy is really something.

But what difference does it make for you whether he has another woman or that he is still missing his ex? The end result is still the same. It's over and done with. Focus on yourself. Not going to do you any good to second guess things.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Alvi

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

I'm not sure how long they were married for. He told me she was crazy. Fast forward today he said even though my ex was crazy I still have feelings for her.  I was processing everything and didn't know how to tell you. Makes me feel that maybe our sex was bad. That she is much better than me. I wanted to say f*** you to that text he sent after our conversation but I just deleted the message.  Deleted him everywhere. 

Listen - this isn't just lip service, I mean it. If he went through a divorce, which can be lengthy even just for the state wait time, is expensive, and breaks people apart in an official way, THEN say he "still has feelings for" the person as if he's wondering whether they can get back together (simply still having feelings and waiting for them to subside wouldn't keep him from you), he's...well, really messed up.

The "she was crazy" thing - uh-huh, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from 90% of divorced men.  (Women usually use a different damning condemnation.)

I don't know...I think this guy is nuts if he's even entertaining a single thought of letting the ex get in the way of his having a relationship. I mean just not being ready for marriage yet...sure, I can see that. (Unless it's been like 10 years or something!) But isn't it pretty obvious that he went "on a trip" and then "had a friend in from out of town" - he's seeing somebody; here or someone else. And I can't see why he'd lie about that part of it. There's just no reason to.

For all the torture you're going through, odds are he's electively walking into his own torture chamber with a "crazy" (whatever) ex and her just not wanting him, in fact not wanting him to the point of divorce.

He wasn't who you thought he was. Grieve that - the loss of what you thought you had - but don't grieve the loss of him, specifically, because who he is appears to be one hot mess.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I don't believe it's his ex...I think its another Woman.

Well it depends...
You apparently have no idea about his marriage or his divorce,
if he got divorced a few months ago after 20 years of marriage and they keep in touch once a week,  that is a far different thing than divorced 5 years ago after one year of marriage and he hasn't heard anything about her in years...
If she was the love of his life he could still be grieving after a long time...  
You said he never spoke about her, that could be because speaking about her hurt too much....

Next time pay serious attention to exes and find out why they got divorced/split up too.
it may give you a clue or a heads up, it may not, but blissful ignorance did you no favours here.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

Why do they prefer crazy Women? Why? Why am I not having any luck in the love department.  It seems unavailable men always find me. He didnt show the signs he was unavailable emotionally. Was that why he was love bombing me hard? 

Because he's broken and he thinks that's what he deserves. Why do you prefer men who either go over the top or just don't come through? People are imperfect.

But YOU can fix you. You can't fix him.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Absolutely not.  If it was good for you it blew his mind.  It seems that men who have "crazy" exes have the hardest time getting over these women.  I've notice that before even on this board.  Well what he didn't tell you is she probably had a lying, cheating husband that made her crazy.  Frankly Brit, you dodged a bullet.

Exactly. I mean I don't want to disbelieve this guy out of the gate but it's kind of a coincidence that this guy is a love-bomber, then he continues to attach to someone he's divorced from, he apparently tried to get away with cheating (he sure wasn't about to tell Britney about any of it until she literally had to chase  him down with texts and calls)...yet...it's the ex who's crazy.

Dude.

[CaliforniaGirl]

51 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

No he meant how should of he handled the situation. I said it's too late for that.

If I was the rebound girl then why didn't he mention her at all during the 4 months. He only did once at the beginning.  If he wasnt over her he would've talk more about her. I dont know I dont believe it's his ex. I think it's another woman. I told him that you're just using the ex excuse. Of course he denied it. I ended that call because the conversation was getting really dumb. And then he texts me I cherished our time together, you are amazing you have a friend in me if you ever need anything I'm here.

Yeah a big middle finger to that. Sorry

Britney, does this part matter? Does it matter which specific woman he was probably seeing on his trip, was probably seeing as his "friend from out of town," and that he was just going to keep checking in with you and occasionally seeing you without ever telling you any of this? Who cares who the woman is? He tried, and tried hard, to cheat. Maybe he actually did cheat.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

But YOU can fix you. You can't fix him.

AMEN!  

Brit, start by reading.   Read, read, read. Knowledge is POWER.

I recommended a great book to you, another poster recommended another and another poster recommended yet another.   They are all listed on this thread, mine in DM.

There are many many more, videos to watch also. 

I've learned much of what I know from reading, and experiences, mostly negative ones. 

The biggest and most valuable lessons have been learned through "failure," which I used to think was a dirty word, but it's not.

I always lose my appetite too after a breakup, but try to eat something, you will feel worse if you don't.  xo

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

32 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I don't think I was the rebound girl.  I think it's another Woman and he used his ex as an excuse. I never saw signs that he missed his ex. He never mentioned her. If what he says was true then hes a great actor. But deep down I think it's another Woman and I even told him that today. 

Why would he have mentioned her if he was still pining for her and perhaps holding out that hope that somehow they'd get back together? If he had mentioned her, his feelings might have been given away on his face. No way was he going to mention her. You'd have run. And then he'd have nobody.

Why does it matter so much to you whether it's the ex, Britney? Just curious.

[Britney25]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Britney, does this part matter? Does it matter which specific woman he was probably seeing on his trip, was probably seeing as his "friend from out of town," and that he was just going to keep checking in with you and occasionally seeing you without ever telling you any of this? Who cares who the woman is? He tried, and tried hard, to cheat. Maybe he actually did cheat.

Still make me feel like I wasnt enough for him.  I just dont believe he cared for me at all. I told him that. I told him also I think theres another woman not your ex and he denied bluntly. 

 

[Britney25]

5 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Why would he have mentioned her if he was still pining for her and perhaps holding out that hope that somehow they'd get back together? If he had mentioned her, his feelings might have been given away on his face. No way was he going to mention her. You'd have run. And then he'd have nobody.

Why does it matter so much to you whether it's the ex, Britney? Just curious.

Because I feel invalid.  I feel like she is better.  He couldn't move on from her??

[Britney25]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Britney, does this part matter? Does it matter which specific woman he was probably seeing on his trip, was probably seeing as his "friend from out of town," and that he was just going to keep checking in with you and occasionally seeing you without ever telling you any of this? Who cares who the woman is? He tried, and tried hard, to cheat. Maybe he actually did cheat.

You think if I never had that conversation with him Monday he would've stayed wouldn't he? 

[Britney25]

25 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Listen - this isn't just lip service, I mean it. If he went through a divorce, which can be lengthy even just for the state wait time, is expensive, and breaks people apart in an official way, THEN say he "still has feelings for" the person as if he's wondering whether they can get back together (simply still having feelings and waiting for them to subside wouldn't keep him from you), he's...well, really messed up.

The "she was crazy" thing - uh-huh, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from 90% of divorced men.  (Women usually use a different damning condemnation.)

I don't know...I think this guy is nuts if he's even entertaining a single thought of letting the ex get in the way of his having a relationship. I mean just not being ready for marriage yet...sure, I can see that. (Unless it's been like 10 years or something!) But isn't it pretty obvious that he went "on a trip" and then "had a friend in from out of town" - he's seeing somebody; here or someone else. And I can't see why he'd lie about that part of it. There's just no reason to.

For all the torture you're going through, odds are he's electively walking into his own torture chamber with a "crazy" (whatever) ex and her just not wanting him, in fact not wanting him to the point of divorce.

He wasn't who you thought he was. Grieve that - the loss of what you thought you had - but don't grieve the loss of him, specifically, because who he is appears to be one hot mess.

Exactly. Why keep lieing to me?? He said he didnt want to hurt me well I told him you did. It's not fair how you used me to fill your void while you knew you had feelings for your ex. I even asked him why did you tell me you loved me and wanted this and that. Was that fake?? I must say he didnt really argue with me..he was listening , was calm but was denying a lot of things I said to him. He told me his heart fell when I said I dont believe he actually cared for me for the 4 months. Well how am I to know it's the truth when nothing adds up. 

Man I'm so hurt. My eyes are like swollen. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Because I feel invalid.  I feel like she is better.  He couldn't move on from her??

Britney, that doesn't mean she's better. If he's a lying cheater who can't get over loss, how is he picking "the better" woman in some empirical way? He's probably picking someone equally broken. JMO.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Because I feel invalid.  I feel like she is better.  He couldn't move on from her??

He could not move on from her, so how does that  make you invalid? You can't control how someone else feels, heck we can't even control how WE feel! For him to  love someone else does not mean you are not lovable, does not mean you've lost some type of sick contest over him. It means he has unsolved issues, issues he had before meeting you!

Every woman is special, unique, and beautiful ! We all have amazing qualities and tons of love to give. He saw this, he just didn't have a free heart to stay with you. Someone else will come along and want you and all your flaws and qualities. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

You think if I never had that conversation with him Monday he would've stayed wouldn't he? 

I think if you had never had that conversation with him on Monday he would have kept you on deck with half-assed "morning, babe"s and "have a beautiful day"s. And when his "friend wasn't in town" he'd have thrown you a crumb and asked for a "meet" at his house.