Am I crazy to think this?

[ExpatInItaly]

59 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Waiting to see if she will take him back?

Honestly? This probably has a lot to do with it. 

It sucks, but in time, you will heal. Because it's your first real heartbreak, you have no frame of reference for everything you're feeling now. It's all so bewildering and painful, and because this is your first journey down this road, you're having a much harder time processing this. And that's okay. Perfectly normal when you are experience something like this for the first time. 

Unforuantely, this is part of dating. We win some, we lose some. Some relationships are wonderful and go the distance, while others don't last. I think it's critical that you develop a more mature and healthier set of coping mechanisms to deal with your pain, though. You have some self-destructive habits (and thoughts) that won't do anything but magnify all the hurt you're feeling. And before you venture back into dating, I would explore how to better manage disappointment and upsetting situations. Dating requires a thick skin so that we can enjoy the experience and  not let the bad experiences blow our emotional well-being to smithereens. 

[AnnieB]

You know what’s really sad though: there is literally a hundred people here trying to help you, trying to give you good advice and loving you in essence, and all you wonder is why this one guy who showed plenty of red flags didn’t love you. Pay attention to people who actually care for you and you’ll see how different your life will become.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Thing is I wonder how long he would've kept me in the dark knowing if he felt something for his ex a month while meeting and having sex with me. He was processing what thoughts? Waiting to see if she will take him back? Ugh

There's no sense wondering about this.  I mean, it may not even be the real reason he lost interest.

When breaking up, people tell you what they want to tell you, but it's frequently not the truth.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Britney25 said:

I'm just confused why even today he told me he loves our connection and yet he still chose to leave me. 

Because the need for him to be free exceded the need for the relationship and whatever love was there.

In general, people leave when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

He may have felt the connection and love, but he wasn't happy for whatever reason.

All this has nothing to do with your self worth. It has to do with whatever was going on with him.

Try not to drag anything out such as telling him you don't burn bridges. You're angry at the moment but be aware that he does not want a commitment.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

When breaking up, people tell you what they want to tell you, but it's frequently not the truth.

Even when it is the truth the dumpee may not want to believe them... preferring their own narrative...
Dumping someone who loves you or is still heavily invested in you is not easy, there is never a good way as it hurts them big time no matter how it is done.

Relationships need to progress, this guy pulled back about a month ago, that was when his thoughts turned into actions, he was not feeling it so he stopped making plans to see Britney..
Maybe he thought the relationship would just fizzle out and he wouldn't have to actively break up, maybe he thought it was a temporary glitch and he would shake it off, maybe he was actually "processing" as to what to do for the best...

We date, not to grab the first person and stick with them no matter what, we date to find a person who gels with us..
Britney fell deeper and deeper in  love, but he didn't.
It is not a crime, it is not devious, nor deceptive, it is just how it works.
One sided relationships are very common.
The person who is not feeling it, finds themselves is in a hard place, it can be difficult to deal the death blow, so they prevaricate, they procrastinate, they vacillate and they often make things ten times worse for the dumpee, even when they don't mean to.

[poppyfields]

Hi Brit, in retrospect are you glad you talked to him?  The convo was so upsetting to you, hopefully you are feeling better today?

I know many of us did not advise it, you spoke your piece the night before and that, imo, was enough.  Block, delete. 

I dunno, I often wonder about these types of 'talks' sometimes, when you (generic you) already know it's over, and also wonder if folks expect a different result. 

Anyway, I truly hope you are feeling better today Brit, remember you are beautiful, and time heals.  xo

Edited July 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[HadMeOverABarrel]

16 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You did good. Despite the pain and anxiety, you stood up for yourself. I'm proud of you. 🤗

I second this! 👏👏👏👏 Well done!

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because the need for him to be free exceded the need for the relationship and whatever love was there.

In general, people leave when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

He may have felt the connection and love, but he wasn't happy for whatever reason.

All this has nothing to do with your self worth. It has to do with whatever was going on with him.

Try not to drag anything out such as telling him you don't burn bridges. You're angry at the moment but be aware that he does not want a commitment.

Love this.

8 hours ago, Britney25 said:

I wonder why he didnt fall in love with me. I asked why did he say he loves me. He said because I did.... maybe he was forcing himself to love me. Idk

It's normal at the end of a relationship to wonder if the other person truly cared.

While he wasn't so caring in the manner in which he chose to end it that doesn't mean your time together wasn't valuable.

It's hard to see the forest through the trees right now when you're in the thick of it. 

There is no "perfect" way to deal with the current situation, so do your best and trust that everything will work out in due time.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Why do they prefer crazy Women? Why? Why am I not having any luck in the love department.  It seems unavailable men always find me. He didnt show the signs he was unavailable emotionally. Was that why he was love bombing me hard? 

This goes back to the way your parents showed you love. They were not consistent and always available with you so you attract men who do the same because it is familiar to your subconscious. 

That's why I've said to you that you can work through this in therapy where you'll examine these ingrained patterns and then work with therapist to change them. The result leads to attracting someone who matches the new healthy patterns.

These patterns are deeply woven into your subconscious. I'm sharing what I've learned from my own therapy. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Britney25 said:

...maybe he does want to keep the door open in case his ex dumps him again.

19 hours ago, Britney25 said:

He told me he wants to get back with his ex.

 

20 hours ago, Britney25 said:

 How is it possible he is not looking for marriage now? How did he change his mind ? At the beginning he told me he wants marriage and children and not he told me he doesnt want marriage just a long term relationship.

 

19 hours ago, Britney25 said:

...I mean I told him how do you changed your mind about marriage all of a sudden. 

If he is no longer interested in marriage but just a long term relationship why does he want to get back with his ex?  Does he expect to go from marrying her, divorcing her and then go back to a long term relationship with her?

This doesn't make sense.   I think he was seeing another woman (the friend who came to town and he probably took her on that trip with him) while he was seeing you.  That is probably who he spent his B-day with as well.  He may get back with his ex if she will have him but I think he's involved with this other woman for now.

As Elaine said:

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Dumping someone who loves you or is still heavily invested in you is not easy, there is never a good way as it hurts them big time no matter how it is done.

 

[Britney25]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because the need for him to be free exceded the need for the relationship and whatever love was there.

In general, people leave when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

He may have felt the connection and love, but he wasn't happy for whatever reason.

All this has nothing to do with your self worth. It has to do with whatever was going on with him.

Try not to drag anything out such as telling him you don't burn bridges. You're angry at the moment but be aware that he does not want a commitment.

Why would he keep telling me I make him happy?! He kept telling me that every time we were together.  

[Britney25]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Even when it is the truth the dumpee may not want to believe them... preferring their own narrative...
Dumping someone who loves you or is still heavily invested in you is not easy, there is never a good way as it hurts them big time no matter how it is done.

Relationships need to progress, this guy pulled back about a month ago, that was when his thoughts turned into actions, he was not feeling it so he stopped making plans to see Britney..
Maybe he thought the relationship would just fizzle out and he wouldn't have to actively break up, maybe he thought it was a temporary glitch and he would shake it off, maybe he was actually "processing" as to what to do for the best...

We date, not to grab the first person and stick with them no matter what, we date to find a person who gels with us..
Britney fell deeper and deeper in  love, but he didn't.
It is not a crime, it is not devious, nor deceptive, it is just how it works.
One sided relationships are very common.
The person who is not feeling it, finds themselves is in a hard place, it can be difficult to deal the death blow, so they prevaricate, they procrastinate, they vacillate and they often make things ten times worse for the dumpee, even when they don't mean to.

Is it because he never was invited to my home? 

[Britney25]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

 

If he is no longer interested in marriage but just a long term relationship why does he want to get back with his ex?  Does he expect to go from marrying her, divorcing her and then go back to a long term relationship with her?

This doesn't make sense.   I think he was seeing another woman (the friend who came to town and he probably took her on that trip with him) while he was seeing you.  That is probably who he spent his B-day with as well.  He may get back with his ex if she will have him but I think he's involved with this other woman for now.

As Elaine said:

 

I agree.  I even told him that nothing adds up. You want a ltr but you have feelings for your ex. I told him just tell me theres another Woman. He bluntly denied there ever was another woman.

It sucks he lost feelings for me in the last month. It makes me very sad he knew this and we still had sex. For me sex is special.  I gave everything while his mind was elsewhere. 

No it's not better today. It feels even worse. I woke up and am still crying. 

[Britney25]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Brit, in retrospect are you glad you talked to him?  The convo was so upsetting to you, hopefully you are feeling better today?

I know many of us did not advise it, you spoke your piece the night before and that, imo, was enough.  Block, delete. 

I dunno, I often wonder about these types of 'talks' sometimes, when you (generic you) already know it's over, and also wonder if folks expect a different result. 

Anyway, I truly hope you are feeling better today Brit, remember you are beautiful, and time heals.  xo

I felt sad and angry that he went mia, after we talked I am even more sad and crying because it's a confirmation for me that it is really over. I dont regret our conversation even if his reason was a lie.

Im not feeling any better but thanks for asking.

Edited July 15, 2021 by Britney25

[JRabbit]

11 hours ago, Britney25 said:

I wonder why he didnt fall in love with me. I asked why did he say he loves me. He said because I did.... maybe he was forcing himself to love me. Idk

It doesnt matter why, nothing will change it. It is not you...its him. Focusing on things you can not control will just make you continue to spiral.

Focus on yourself, what you have to offer.  Focus on bettering your mental health so you can date in a healthy relationship in the future. The best way to ensure you have the future you want with a relationship, marriage, and kids is to work on yourself now.

[JRabbit]

16 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Why would he keep telling me I make him happy?! He kept telling me that every time we were together.  

Because he knew what you wanted to hear so you wouldn't stop giving him sex when he needed it. 

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, JRabbit said:

Because he knew what you wanted to hear so you wouldn't stop giving him sex when he needed it. 

Omg he used me and played with my heart . 

I told him in our phone conversation you used me. He said for what? I said sex! He yelled that's crazy! And I added you used me to fill a void. So how am I supposed to believe you cared for me.

Now i have a bigger headache. 

[JRabbit]

4 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I told him in our phone conversation you used me. He said for what? I said sex! He yelled that's crazy! And I added you used me to fill a void. So how am I supposed to believe you cared for me.

He can tell you whatever you want to hear....but his actions speak volumes. Watch the actions, not the words.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Why would he keep telling me I make him happy?! He kept telling me that every time we were together.  

Why are you so combative?

[introverted1]

Britney, stop!  STOP!

You are going to drive yourself crazy. You are parsing his every word and looking for absolutes where there are none. 

Maybe he thought he was in love and then realised he wasn't.  Lots of people confuse infatuation/limerance with love. 

Maybe his ex contacted him and reawakened unresolved feelings.  Or maybe he just realised that he had transferred his feels for her to you and that it wasn't real.

Maybe there was another woman.  Maybe the other woman was his ex. Or maybe he just didn't have the heart to spend time with you knowing that his feelings had changed.

There are countless other possibilities and there is no way to know which are right.  You will read 100 conflicting opinions here about why things ended as they did.

My advice is to stop searching for answers about why he did what he did because you will never know. You will just ratchet up your anxiety by constantly picking over every word that was said, every opinion posited here. All you need to know is that it is over.

Focus on your own healing -- develop healthy ways to deal with sadness and disappointment.  Deciding not to eat is a tremendously unhealthy response.

Do things to boost your self-esteem -- learn a new skill or take up a new hobby. Look into volunteering; helping others enriches their life and your own.

Learn to love yourself - counseling can help with overcoming feelings of insecurity and/or past trauma from childhood.

Understand that this will pass -- as terrible as you feel right now, in time this will fade.  It doesn't feel that way now, but anyone who has been where you are now (and that's pretty much everyone) will tell you that time heals.

Good luck.

 

[Britney25]

29 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Britney, stop!  STOP!

You are going to drive yourself crazy. You are parsing his every word and looking for absolutes where there are none. 

Maybe he thought he was in love and then realised he wasn't.  Lots of people confuse infatuation/limerance with love. 

Maybe his ex contacted him and reawakened unresolved feelings.  Or maybe he just realised that he had transferred his feels for her to you and that it wasn't real.

Maybe there was another woman.  Maybe the other woman was his ex. Or maybe he just didn't have the heart to spend time with you knowing that his feelings had changed.

There are countless other possibilities and there is no way to know which are right.  You will read 100 conflicting opinions here about why things ended as they did.

My advice is to stop searching for answers about why he did what he did because you will never know. You will just ratchet up your anxiety by constantly picking over every word that was said, every opinion posited here. All you need to know is that it is over.

Focus on your own healing -- develop healthy ways to deal with sadness and disappointment.  Deciding not to eat is a tremendously unhealthy response.

Do things to boost your self-esteem -- learn a new skill or take up a new hobby. Look into volunteering; helping others enriches their life and your own.

Learn to love yourself - counseling can help with overcoming feelings of insecurity and/or past trauma from childhood.

Understand that this will pass -- as terrible as you feel right now, in time this will fade.  It doesn't feel that way now, but anyone who has been where you are now (and that's pretty much everyone) will tell you that time heals.

Good luck.

 

EFF MY LIFE.  

[Britney25]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you so combative?

 Because it hurts

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

 Because it hurts

Not a license to be disrespectful  or nasty.

[Britney25]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not a license to be disrespectful  or nasty.

How am I nasty to you sorry?

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry you are hurting but at least it wasn’tcompletely unexpected and red flags weren’t all over this. Also, at least he was respectful enough to end it officially./ give it closure. You don’t know how many people we just drag it out to get as much as they can out of it. My friend gets a text every week and half or so saying  “miss you/  from this one guy. He will not officially end it so she holds on .

 

But anyway, I am sorry. 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough