Am I crazy to think this?

[Britney25]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Okay.

So, what then would you like to see more of from your boyfriend?

I would like him to show me he's crazy about me I guess. Like asking me to stay over a weekend...showing me he likes my company for more than a couple of hrs.

[Britney25]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are you paranoid about, exactly? That he's got someone else coming over, or?

No more of off he doesn't see me in that way to live together one day...I feel like maybe he is getting bored of me

[Donnas]

You say he was asling alot in the beginning.And you with him only 4 months....

So if he keep ask you wont that be him being pushy?

And why he have to be the only one asking?

You dont know him that long , so sure wouldnt be smart to leave your life and go live with him. If you wanna be closer atleast wait a year and move to his city with your own appartment.

So if its dont workout u wont be homeless.

[Miss Spider]

To me, the issue isn’t as much about who invites who or if this is clingy , as it is about how he was acting really clingy, and now he won’t see you for more than a couple hours, no more weekend stay overs, no more talk of relationship moving forward. Two clingy people and your golden, but some people act that way at the beginning, but they burn out on it/lose interest in it after some time.  Your guy has pulled back and you’re not crazy for noticing that IMO.  With my  clingy/ bf’s, had 4 mo in they stopped, it’d be strange 

 

Bad news is that when someone is pulling back, it’s typically an overall indication of how they’re feeling about the rship. He probably isn’t asking to spend a whole weekend anymore  bc he doesn’t want to. Why ? Hard to say, but would the answer really be helpful? Probably not. The only thing that would be is renewing the overall interest, but that can be tricky. I

Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[beentheredonethat77]

I understand this -- your instincts know there is a shift and hes pulling back / possibly fading.. at the very least cooling off..  (as evidenced by drop in enthusiasm for you to stay over/ any discussions of future dying off).   It is very early (four months etc) as everyone has said.. and sometimes relationships that move so quickly at the start do crash and burn  -- i think what you want is a slow and steady incline and progression forward.

I do get why you feel unsettled and i do think he may be fading.   His nicknames etc i wouldn't pay much attention to, its his action (or inaction) i would focus on.

Personally, i would not bring it up for discussion as he may be processing and unsure how he feels himself.. just that he feels suffocated or uncertain.  I would pull back myself.  Its not games, its self-preservation.  I would busy myself with hobbies and activities and give him enough space to miss me.. and see what he does with that space.  If he comes chasing you, then you can re-set the pace to a healthier one, if he doesn't then you know he wanted out.  

 

 

Edited July 3, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[Britney25]

15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

To me, the issue isn’t as much about who invites who or if this is clingy , as it is about how he was acting really clingy, and now he won’t see you for more than a couple hours, no more weekend stay overs, no more talk of relationship moving forward. Two clingy people and your golden, but some people act that way at the beginning, but they burn out on it/lose interest in it after some time.  Your guy has pulled back and you’re not crazy for noticing that IMO.  With my  clingy/ bf’s, had 4 mo in they stopped, it’d be strange 

 

Bad news is that when someone is pulling back, it’s typically an overall indication of how they’re feeling about the rship. He probably isn’t asking to spend a whole weekend anymore  bc he doesn’t want to. Why ? Hard to say, but would the answer really be helpful? Probably not. The only thing that would be is renewing the overall interest, but that can be tricky. I

I mean he tells me (even yesterday) how I make him happy. He is suggesting we go on a trip to the Caribbean. We did spend the whole day together,  but I still feel like it's all talk. I wonder if he's going to invite me on the 4th.

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I would pull back myself.  Its not games, its self-preservation.  I would busy myself with hobbies and activities and give him enough space to miss me.. and see what he does with that space.  If he comes chasing you, then you can re-set the pace to a healthier one, if he doesn't then you know he wanted out.  

 

 

Can explain this more? Not being critical, I’m honestly curious because I hear this a lot. “Pull back “ “rubber band” “resistance” and it does sound a lot like games to me and will things go back to way things were this way and is the renewed interest genuine , or  is it just curiosity and a game to the other person too? And once that’s accomplished will it go back to the status quo or ever really balanced again? The problem with push/pull games maybe because I can think of one example in particular: I had a guy I dated  who seemed really into me( I was acting the same way, so I don’t fault him)I kind of lost interest in him after some time. I started kind of ignoring him and then he got kind of quiet, started ignoring me. It increased my interest because it made me wonder what happened and became kind of a game to see if I could renew interest. Got him back, then lost interest again. I don’t know if he kept doing that it would have sustained my interest, but I will say I wasn’t that into him personally and it would have just been more wasted time 

[Britney25]

20 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I understand this -- your instincts know there is a shift and hes pulling back / possibly fading.. at the very least cooling off..  (as evidenced by drop in enthusiasm for you to stay over/ any discussions of future dying off).   It is very early (four months etc) as everyone has said.. and sometimes relationships that move so quickly at the start do crash and burn  -- i think what you want is a slow and steady incline and progression forward.

I do get why you feel unsettled and i do think he may be fading.   His nicknames etc i wouldn't pay much attention to, its his action (or inaction) i would focus on.

Personally, i would not bring it up for discussion as he may be processing and unsure how he feels himself.. just that he feels suffocated or uncertain.  I would pull back myself.  Its not games, its self-preservation.  I would busy myself with hobbies and activities and give him enough space to miss me.. and see what he does with that space.  If he comes chasing you, then you can re-set the pace to a healthier one, if he doesn't then you know he wanted out.  

 

 

Hi.

Yes thank you, I am going to pull back, give him space. I'm not going to initiate a text and see what happens for the week. I'm not going to text him miss you or any of that. Lets see how he reacts.  Will he notice a change or not.

 

[beentheredonethat77]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Can explain this more? Not being critical, I’m honestly curious because I hear this a lot. “Pull back “ “rubber band” “resistance” and it does sound a lot like games to me and will things go back to way things were this way and is the renewed interest genuine , or  is it just curiosity and a game to the other person too? And once that’s accomplished will it go back to the status quo or ever really balanced again? The problem with push/pull games maybe because I can think of one example in particular: I had a guy I dated  who seemed really into me( I was acting the same way, so I don’t fault him)I kind of lost interest in him after some time. I started kind of ignoring him and then he got kind of quiet, started ignoring me. It increased my interest because it made me wonder what happened and became kind of a game to see if I could renew interest. Got him back, then lost interest again. I don’t know if he kept doing that it would have sustained my interest, but I will say I wasn’t that into him personally and it would have just been more wasted time 

I definitely agree that its almost always games and if you're dealing with someone immature/ego driven then its likely to turn into a power struggle to nowhere.     That said -- my experience with bringing up these conversations so early is that it often turns defensive and oft times gaslighting is the flavor of the day 'what are you talking about? i just said good morning.. why are you reading into this??" .. type answer.   I found myself wishing i'd waited longer, kept busy and let him show himself more in the relationship.

So in OP's case,  i think it could be a case of the guy simply needing space / alone time and a breather from a whirlwind start to their relationship.    Of course, this space isn't done with a hostile/icy tone -- quite the opposite, perhaps she sends a kind, warm message saying that she hopes he doesn't mind if she goes to dinner with some friends who just invited her out -- she wasn't sure if they had plans.. but if they can move it to mid-week that would be great (or something similar -- sweet, warm, kind but blowing him off ie, space).  

 She also may not want to be making assumptions without giving him a bit longer to show  he is actually fading and its not just her imagination -- so more time to sit back observe his tone and watch.  By bringing it up now (without more 'evidence' of his disinterest) she may just come across as someone needing validation and dissecting his every move -- he may be exhausted by the conversation.   Whereas space.. brings reflection and clarity and also brings his actions into focus (instead of words -- which probably wont be truthful anyway).   If he is truly into her and afraid to lose her he wont be letting her busy herself with friends too often without wanting HIS time with her.. and pursuing this.   

So bottom line.. i hear you about your experiences with games (ive had the same) -- i was dead set against the push/pull thing and all for full-on honest open conversations from the get go -- but i have learned sometimes you need to just sit and do nothing for a minute and let things play out one way or another.  Eventually, things will be very clear to her; if he goes completely cold and doesn't pursue her in the slighest or make plans.. then the conversation will be a lot easier.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I wonder if he's going to invite me on the 4th.

Do your parents know about him? Is he not invited/allowed at your home?

[Britney25]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do your parents know about him? Is he not invited/allowed at your home?

Yes they know about him. He spoke with my Mom.

[Britney25]

12 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I definitely agree that its almost always games and if you're dealing with someone immature/ego driven then its likely to turn into a power struggle to nowhere.     That said -- my experience with bringing up these conversations so early is that it often turns defensive and oft times gaslighting is the flavor of the day 'what are you talking about? i just said good morning.. why are you reading into this??" .. type answer.   I found myself wishing i'd waited longer, kept busy and let him show himself more in the relationship.

So in OP's case,  i think it could be a case of the guy simply needing space / alone time and a breather from a whirlwind start to their relationship.    Of course, this space isn't done with a hostile/icy tone -- quite the opposite, perhaps she sends a kind, warm message saying that she hopes he doesn't mind if she goes to dinner with some friends who just invited her out -- she wasn't sure if they had plans.. but if they can move it to mid-week that would be great (or something similar -- sweet, warm, kind but blowing him off ie, space).  

 She also may not want to be making assumptions without giving him a bit longer to show  he is actually fading and its not just her imagination -- so more time to sit back observe his tone and watch.  By bringing it up now (without more 'evidence' of his disinterest) she may just come across as someone needing validation and dissecting his every move -- he may be exhausted by the conversation.   Whereas space.. brings reflection and clarity and also brings his actions into focus (instead of words -- which probably wont be truthful anyway).   If he is truly into her and afraid to lose her he wont be letting her busy herself with friends too often without wanting HIS time with her.. and pursuing this.   

So bottom line.. i hear you about your experiences with games (ive had the same) -- i was dead set against the push/pull thing and all for full-on honest open conversations from the get go -- but i have learned sometimes you need to just sit and do nothing for a minute and let things play out one way or another.  Eventually, things will be very clear to her; if he goes completely cold and doesn't pursue her in the slighest or make plans.. then the conversation will be a lot easier.

Yes thank you, I will do that and see how he's going to act before I talk with him. I don't think its games either. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Yes they know about him. He spoke with my Mom.

After 4 mos. dating you have never invited him to your home to meet your parents?

Is there a significant age, cultural or socioeconomic difference?

[Britney25]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

After 4 mos. dating you have never invited him to your home to meet your parents?

Is there a significant age, cultural or socioeconomic difference?

I havent met his parents either. Excuse me but it should be him introducing me first not the other way around.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I havent met his parents either. Excuse me but it should be him introducing me first not the other way around.

Where are his parents? Do they live nearby?

At 4 mo., consider it a red flag that he's doing a lot of carrot-and-stick talk and has made very little effort to include you in his real life.

Never heard of the introduce to GF first rule.

Unfortunately seems to be a lot of game playing going on.

Enough to get sex but not really a relationship where you are respected or seen as long term material..

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

I mean he tells me (even yesterday) how I make him happy. He is suggesting we go on a trip to the Caribbean. We did spend the whole day together,  but I still feel like it's all talk. I wonder if he's going to invite me on the 4th.

big red flag to me if he’s doing all the lovey dovey future  talk and you guys aren’t even spending a major holiday together. How did the topic of what y’all were gonna do for the 4th not come up 

[Britney25]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where are his parents? Do they live nearby?

At 4 mo., consider it a red flag that he's doing a lot of carrot-and-stick talk and has made very little effort to include you in his real life.

Never heard of the introduce to GF first rule.

Unfortunately seems to be a lot of game playing going on.

Enough to get sex but not really a relationship where you are respected or seen as long term material..

Hi parents live in Utah. He said he told his parents about me. I told him yesterday that my parents want to meet him and he is ok with that. He spoke with my Mom before by phone. 

Ok so if he's playing a game how should I handle this? 

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

big red flag to me if he’s doing all the lovey dovey future  talk and you guys aren’t even spending a major holiday together. How did the topic of what y’all were gonna do for the 4th not come up 

He asked me yesterday what am I doing, because his friend is in town and he doesnt know yet when he's going to meet him on the 4th. So I told him to let me know. So let's say he doesn't invite me to spend the 4th with him how do I bring that up?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

Hi parents live in Utah.

Ok invite him over for the holidays and stop playing games about who introduces who first.

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He asked me yesterday what am I doing, because his friend is in town and he doesnt know yet when he's going to meet him on the 4th. So I told him to let me know. So let's say he doesn't invite me to spend the 4th with him how do I bring that up?

Oh okay then maybe he just assumes it’s a given that you guys are going to hang out and he’s just trying to figure out what’s what but seriously you can just ask him if you’re confused.  Does he want to hang out tomorrow . What does he want to do. It seems like you’re walking on eggshells , you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to your SO

Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Britney25]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh okay then maybe he just assumes it’s a given that you guys are going to hang out and he’s just trying to figure out what’s what but seriously you can just ask him. Does he want to hang out tomorrow . What does he want to do. It seems like you’re walking on eggshells , you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to your SO

Well because it feels like I ALWAYS finalize the plan. It would be nice if he would give me a heads up about what he wants to do but knowing him he will probably tell me the day of, but why would he say he doesn't know when hes meeting his friend. What if he meets him in the evening? So he's prioritizing his friend over me. Ugh

Edited July 3, 2021 by Britney25

[Miss Spider]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Well because it feels like I ALWAYS finalize the plan. It would be nice if he would give me a heads up about what he wants to do but knowing him he will probably tell me the day off nut why would he say he doesn't know when hes meeting his friend. What if he meets him in the evening? So he's prioritizing his friend over me. Ugh

If you feel you’re always having to make the plans it’s definite red flag yea. With my bf’s it’s always been a given we’d be spending holidays together unless otherwise specified, so the fact that you’re not sure about that says a lot. 
 

the more you talk, the more this guy sounds like a lovebombing f boy. Consistent with calling you “babymomma” actually 

[Britney25]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If you feel you’re always having to make the plans it’s definite red flag yea. With my bf’s it’s always been a given we’d be spending holidays together unless otherwise specified, so the fact that you’re not sure about that says a lot. 
 

the more you talk, the more this guy sounds like a lovebombing f boy. Consistent with calling you “babymomma” actually 

Omg what if he is playing me. What is he is only using me for sex? Yesterdays date he initiated but about the 4th it's still unclear. 

What would you do in my situation? Should I ask him where does he see this relationship going? Stop initiating texts and meetings and see how he reacts? 

Now I'm confused more than ever if we really have a relationship or is this only sex for him. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Britney25

[Britney25]

1 hour ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I definitely agree that its almost always games and if you're dealing with someone immature/ego driven then its likely to turn into a power struggle to nowhere.     That said -- my experience with bringing up these conversations so early is that it often turns defensive and oft times gaslighting is the flavor of the day 'what are you talking about? i just said good morning.. why are you reading into this??" .. type answer.   I found myself wishing i'd waited longer, kept busy and let him show himself more in the relationship.

So in OP's case,  i think it could be a case of the guy simply needing space / alone time and a breather from a whirlwind start to their relationship.    Of course, this space isn't done with a hostile/icy tone -- quite the opposite, perhaps she sends a kind, warm message saying that she hopes he doesn't mind if she goes to dinner with some friends who just invited her out -- she wasn't sure if they had plans.. but if they can move it to mid-week that would be great (or something similar -- sweet, warm, kind but blowing him off ie, space).  

 She also may not want to be making assumptions without giving him a bit longer to show  he is actually fading and its not just her imagination -- so more time to sit back observe his tone and watch.  By bringing it up now (without more 'evidence' of his disinterest) she may just come across as someone needing validation and dissecting his every move -- he may be exhausted by the conversation.   Whereas space.. brings reflection and clarity and also brings his actions into focus (instead of words -- which probably wont be truthful anyway).   If he is truly into her and afraid to lose her he wont be letting her busy herself with friends too often without wanting HIS time with her.. and pursuing this.   

So bottom line.. i hear you about your experiences with games (ive had the same) -- i was dead set against the push/pull thing and all for full-on honest open conversations from the get go -- but i have learned sometimes you need to just sit and do nothing for a minute and let things play out one way or another.  Eventually, things will be very clear to her; if he goes completely cold and doesn't pursue her in the slighest or make plans.. then the conversation will be a lot easier.

I don't even know if we are spending the 4th together.  He just asked me what am I doing because he's supposed to meet a friend and doesn't know what time yet. What if he doesn't invite me out tomorrow.  How would you address this?

[Britney25]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok invite him over for the holidays and stop playing games about who introduces who first.

What  if he's love bombing me and only using me for sex? How can I tell?