Am I crazy to think this?

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So why wouldn't he dump me if it bothers him that much???? He is free to go.

Because from the sound of it, the majority of your time spent together is having sex.

[Britney25]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Asked and answered. He's doing the slow fade so you pull the plug. He must know your temperament by now, no?

Oh dont give me that BS of slow fade. He is a Man. He can grow some balls and end it. He told me it doesnt bother him that much or else he would of already ended it yesterday.  He told me that. So he is still lieing? Come on

[Britney25]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Because from the sound of it, the majority of your time spent together is having sex.

Well even if we go for dinner we have sex after. Isnt that what couples do? 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I read the definition and it doesnt sound like what we have. We do see each other. When I initiate a meet up he never says no.. he asked me out last Thursday for Friday. I never go 3 weeks without seeing him. I think you guys misinterpret what I'm saying.

Ok so what's the problem again?   Serious question, I am totally confused now!

Yes I have read the entire thread, and you're very insecure, anxious and unhappy but perhaps that has very little to do with how he is treating you, which based on the above, sounds fine, at least to me. 

And more to do with your level of expectations and attachment to the outcome.

Toss your expectations and attachment to the outcome in the garbage is my advice, and simply enjoy your relationship, be happy with what he chooses to give you, naturally and organically.

Learn to give to yourself what you need and strive to be happy within (internal validation) versus relying on HIM to make you happy (external validation).

That's a lot of unnecessary pressure and will ultimately destroy your RL, imo and experience.

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

 Isnt that what couples do? 

People who define themselves as a couple (and live in near proximity) generally see each other and make plans a whole lot more than is happening here.   Personally, I wouldn't define myself as part of a couple unless we were spending much of the weekend, prime date nights and one weeknight evening together.

Edited July 6, 2021 by basil67

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ok so what's the problem again?   Serious question, I am totally confused now!

Yes I have read the entire thread, and you're very insecure, anxious and unhappy but perhaps that has very little to do with how he is treating you, which based on the above, sounds fine, at least to me. 

And more to do with your level of expectations and attachment to the outcome.

Toss your expectations and attachment to the outcome in the garbage is my advice, and simply enjoy your relationship, be happy what he chooses to give you, naturally and organically.

Learn to give to yourself what you need and strive to be happy within yourself (internal validation) versus relying on HIM to make you happy (external validation).

That's a lot of unnecessary pressure and will ultimately destroy your RL, imo and experience.

 

Thank you.

I think that's it.

[AnnieB]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Oh dont give me that BS of slow fade. He is a Man. He can grow some balls and end it. He told me it doesnt bother him that much or else he would of already ended it yesterday.  He told me that. So he is still lieing? Come on

Not to keep shitting on men, but I do not recall a time, when a man would respectfully break it off with me with communication and a clean break. Not a single time. And I'm 41. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Well even if we go for dinner we have sex after. Isnt that what couples do? 

I don't know Britney.

The whole story sounds suspect.

You meet, get shuttled in an uber, have sex, he's never been to your home.

[CaliforniaGirl]

19 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

That's the thing thou. He does text me everyday. Sometimes twice a day. There's never a day he missed on texting me.

Then if you're happy with this, why 27 pages of sadness, anger, angst, and confusion?

 

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Asked and answered. He's doing the slow fade so you pull the plug. He must know your temperament by now, no?

That could be. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy who says so outright and has to hear her cry.

 

[Britney25]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't know Britney.

The whole story sounds suspect.

You meet, get shuttled in an uber, have sex, he's never been to your home.

That is not the whole realtionship no.

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, AnnieB said:

Not to keep shitting on men, but I do not recall a time, when a man would respectfully break it off with me with communication and a clean break. Not a single time. And I'm 41. 

I have, but way more often than not, it was something else...an invented fight over nothing, or the fade, or whatever. I think "sit down and maturely discuss how you're about to break up" is optimistic and may even be, to a degree, overrated. Nobody except a literal beast wants to hurt someone and hear him or her cry. We're people and we're imperfect. Falling back on the idea that it isn't really a breakup unless it's happened in Ideal Mature Convo Fantasy X way isn't realistic, IMO. 

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ok so what's the problem again?   Serious question, I am totally confused now!

Yes I have read the entire thread, and you're very insecure, anxious and unhappy but perhaps that has very little to do with how he is treating you, which based on the above, sounds fine, at least to me. 

And more to do with your level of expectations and attachment to the outcome.

Toss your expectations and attachment to the outcome in the garbage is my advice, and simply enjoy your relationship, be happy with what he chooses to give you, naturally and organically.

Learn to give to yourself what you need and strive to be happy within (internal validation) versus relying on HIM to make you happy (external validation).

That's a lot of unnecessary pressure and will ultimately destroy your RL, imo and experience.

 

This sounds ideal and mature but I just don't think, based on 27 pages of angst, that Britney is at this place. She isn't happy with the relationship as it is. Why, if it's not fulfilling her, should she "simply enjoy" something that obviously hurts her, for her own reasons?

Choosing to be happy with what someone else chooses to give us isn't fair to us, IMO. Not unless the two people are at least loosely on the same page. If they aren't, why even have a relationship?

Britney is young. I can't believe she's at a level of desperation where she has to decide whatever the guy wants is fine, she'll not expect anything, she'll just wait for what he chooses to give her, and if it doesn't come then she still has to be happy with that.

Britney, my advice, FWIW, is...expect more.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I have, but way more often than not, it was something else...an invented fight over nothing, or the fade, or whatever. I think "sit down and maturely discuss how you're about to break up" is optimistic and may even be, to a degree, overrated. Nobody except a literal beast wants to hurt someone and hear him or her cry. We're people and we're imperfect. Falling back on the idea that it isn't really a breakup unless it's happened in Ideal Mature Convo Fantasy X way isn't realistic, IMO. 

 

 

Well if he doesn't have guts in person. He can over text and be done with it. He can ghost...whatever. hes free to go. He can slow tell me how wants space. Million things YET he chooses to text me sweet things everyday to keep in touch .

 

[AnnieB]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

I have, but way more often than not, it was something else...an invented fight over nothing, or the fade, or whatever. I think "sit down and maturely discuss how you're about to break up" is optimistic and may even be, to a degree, overrated. Nobody except a literal beast wants to hurt someone and hear him or her cry. We're people and we're imperfect. Falling back on the idea that it isn't really a breakup unless it's happened in Ideal Mature Convo Fantasy X way isn't realistic, IMO. 

 

 

I agree with you. I am not even mad at them. I understand it's cruel to break up with people. But I've certainly done it, and there was pleading and harassment and requests for closure for years after that. Vs, when they slow faded, I was left confused and quietly examining myself at the waiting room at my therapist's office.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Well if he doesn't have guts in person. He can over text and be done with it. He can ghost...whatever. hes free to go. He can slow tell me how wants space. Million things YET he chooses to text me sweet things everyday to keep in touch .

 

Again, if you're hoping all this means he doesn't want to break up, you need to be more realistic. Some people CAN'T (or don't want to) text and be done with it...or ghost. Who wants to feel like the bad guy? Or looking at it from another realistic angle, he's getting sex this way and has no responsibilities toward seeing to your as well as his own happiness. He just has to text some random "I miss you" (without trying to see you) text regularly, keep doing what he wants to do, then snap his fingers and "agree" to see you, at which time he gets sex. Why would he stop all that?

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

People who define themselves as a couple (and live in near proximity) generally see each other and make plans a whole lot more than is happening here.   Personally, I wouldn't define myself as part of a couple unless we were spending much of the weekend, prime date nights and one weeknight evening together.

That's society's version of a "couple" which apparently is also your version which is fine.

But that is not every couple's version, it is not necessarily MY version.

Every couple defines a relationship and commitment for themselves.  For example, some couples are bi-coastal and only see each other a few times a YEAR, and that works for them.

Or they have an open RL, and are free to see others, which is also OK for them.

Just two examples, there are many others.

The important thing is they are on the same page re what commitment means to them, as a couple.

Not as society defines it, but their own selves, individually and as a couple.

Brit, one of the issues I see here is you are defining what is right or wrong based on what "society" has drilled into you about what romance and a RL is "supposed" to look like.

Such rigid societal constructs don't work for every couple, which is OK it doesn't take away from the level of commitment they have towards each other.

Your boyfriend is a busy lawyer, perhaps he's working on building up his client base, so he's busy wining and dining potential clients.

I am in the legal field and I can tell you this is quite standard.

Of course, this takes time away from you, but if you had your own life and interests, this might not be such an issue for you.

Learn to become more independent. 

May I ask why you are still living with your parents at 36 years of age?

I am Eastern European, first generation Lithuanian, and I moved out when I was 18!

And my parents adhered to many European customs.

I mean you are in NYC!  My advice is start looking for your own place and start becoming more independent.

Take a class in something that interests you, join groups, make new friends, read books, learn, grow evolve.

I am sorry to say this but you sound stuck, and that is one long road to never never land.

 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Again, if you're hoping all this means he doesn't want to break up, you need to be more realistic. Some people CAN'T (or don't want to) text and be done with it...or ghost. Who wants to feel like the bad guy? Or looking at it from another realistic angle, he's getting sex this way and has no responsibilities toward seeing to your as well as his own happiness. He just has to text some random "I miss you" (without trying to see you) text regularly, keep doing what he wants to do, then snap his fingers and "agree" to see you, at which time he gets sex. Why would he stop all that?

Well that's why I'm not going to text him anymore suggesting a meet up. If he won't want to see me this week, I'm done. I think I'm done talking about this over and over too. It is mentally exhausting me.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am in the legal field and I can tell you this is quite standard.

Learn to become more independent. 

May I ask why you are still living with your parents at 36 years of age?

I am Eastern European, first generation Lithuanian, and I moved out when I was 18!

Yes, why are you living at home? And being more independent would help you feel better.

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, why are you living at home? And being more independent would help you feel better.

I'm living at home because that's what my parents want until I get married.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I'm living at home because that's what my parents want until I get married.

LOL, yeah if my dad had his druthers, I would never have moved out OR even dated for that matter!

Start living for YOU!  Not your parents.  It may ruffle feathers but they will get over it, I promise you!

I mean come on you are in NYC, singles capital of the world!   Or at least the U.S., other than Los Angeles.

Your dependence on your parents is not healthy Brit, learn to stand up for yourself.

The men you meet and get involved with will respect you more for it too.

By restricting you from becoming independent, your parents are actually preventing you from achieving what they say they want for you - marriage.

My advice?  Talk to them about it, try and make them understand it's better for you to be out on your own, which it is!

Anyway, as always best of luck.

 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LOL, yeah if my dad had his druthers, I would never have moved out OR even dated for that matter!

Start living for YOU!  Not your parents.  It may ruffle feathers but they will get over it, I promise you!

I mean come on you are in NYC, singles capital of the world!   Or at least the U.S., other than Los Angeles.

Your dependence on your parents is not healthy Brit, learn to stand up for yourself.

The men you meet and get involved with will respect you more for it too.

By restricting you from becoming independent, your parents are actually preventing you from achieving what they say they want for you - marriage.

My advice?  Talk to them about it, try and make them understand it's better for you to be out on your own, which it is!

Anyway, as always best of luck.

 

 

 

Thank you I will.

Last thought. Do you think that us why hes acting like this. Because he is offended I haven't brought him home yet or is it just a justification? 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Britney25 said:

Do you think that us why hes acting like this. Because he is offended I haven't brought him home yet or is it just a justification? 

Does the reason matter? You claim he's pulling back and it's a change.

That's the slow fade, but you won't accept that.

It probably would have fizzled out one way or the other by now anyway, so don't beat yourself up.

But realize the your odd "keep out" policy will turn off many men.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Thank you I will.

Last thought. Do you think that us why hes acting like this. Because he is offended I haven't brought him home yet or is it just a justification? 

IMO, that would be silly...to hold that grudge, not tell you that's what it was, and punish you by leaving you dangling at most of your conversations. That WOULD be passive-aggressive. Personally, I sure hope that isn't it, because that's not a relationship you'd want to be in anyway. But with all that aside, I doubt that's the problem. 

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does the reason matter? You claim he's pulling back and it's a change.

That's the slow fade, but you won't accept that.

It probably would have fizzled out one way or the other by now anyway, so don't beat yourself up.

But realize the your odd "keep out" policy will turn off many men.

Why is it that important to see my place when it's my parents home and he knows this.

[Miss Spider]

Are you Asian? Adults living at home until marriage is common in Asian culture ^^