Am I crazy to think this?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

not told boyfriend of her anorexia? 

Correct.  No mention of her health issues and he was never invited into her home after dating 4 mos. Lots of secrecy.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So it's okay to have sex as much as you want before you marry;  just do not bring them to meet the parents until you marry or move in?  Are the parents allowed at the wedding ceremony?

You can have as much sex as you want, sure. But you generally don't introduce your lover to your parents until you're sure this is serious and you want to settle down with the person.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Ok your comment is on called for. Frankly you offended me.

Don't take them very seriously. This is par for the course.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

You can have as much sex as you want, sure. But you generally don't introduce your lover to your parents until you're sure this is serious and you want to settle down with the person.

Depends.

We (where i'm from) introduce bf and gf when we start dating steady around 3 months. It may or may not turn into a life partner, too early to tell. 

We learn a great deal about a person by knowing their family and their dynamic. Also as a mother of 2 girls l want to know who my daughters date.

I had a date with man last week and his 20 yo daughter was dating a guy for 2 years and he had not met him. That was impossible for me to grasp.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

You can have as much sex as you want, sure. But you generally don't introduce your lover to your parents until you're sure this is serious and you want to settle down with the person.

Thanks for explaining this to me.  I love to learn about different cultures.  I'm American and my father would not let a boy/man pick me up for a date without meeting that boy/man first.  I of course was glad when I went off to school and out of his sight.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But you generally don't introduce your lover to your parents until you're sure this is serious and you want to settle down with the person.

This is not true for everyone. 

 

[Britney25]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

If you haven't discussed significant events in your past, it sounds as though the relationship is quite casual still. 

Do you want to be married and have children? 

Yes I do want to get married and have kids. 

[Britney25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Correct.  No mention of her health issues and he was never invited into her home after dating 4 mos. Lots of secrecy.

Why does he need to know now that I had anorexia? Does he tells me he has diabetes? Nope. This is so dumb.

[Acacia98]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is not true for everyone. 

 

I thought it was clear that I was talking about my cultural context in general terms. I'm not American. And I only mentioned  it in the first place because I felt that it was wrong that Britney's cultural norms were being dismissed. The situation she describes is not at all strange to me and to folks from some other cultures.

[Britney25]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

I thought it was clear that I was talking about my cultural context in general terms. I'm not American. And I only mentioned  it in the first place because I felt that it was wrong that Britney's cultural norms were being dismissed. The situation she describes is not at all strange to me and to folks from some other cultures.

Thank you for understanding me. It means a lot.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The situation she describes is not at all strange to me and to folks from some other cultures.

That's fine. It has nothing to do with a formal sit down dinner with a meet the parents situation.

The entire holiday weekend her parents were away and still, he was not allowed near her house, no less invited over. That, yes is odd.

[Britney25]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine. It has nothing to do with a formal sit down dinner with a meet the parents situation.

The entire holiday weekend her parents were away and still, he was not allowed near her house, no less invited over. That, yes is odd.

He was busy.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

Why does he need to know now that I had anorexia? Does he tells me he has diabetes? Nope. This is so dumb.

These are normal things that couples in a committed relationship share with each other  You said that anorexia was part of your life for 20 years - that is pretty significant.  If your bf has diabetes (or other health condition), this is also something I'd expect him to disclose if your relationship was intimate/close. 

What you are saying supports the idea that your relationship is pretty much casual.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

These are normal things that couples in a committed relationship share with each other  You said that anorexia was part of your life for 20 years - that is pretty significant.  If your bf has diabetes (or other health condition), this is also something I'd expect him to disclose if your relationship was intimate/close. 

What you are saying supports the idea that your relationship is pretty much casual.

Yes agree, casual, cold and lacking emotional intimacy.

Brit, your previous health struggles for 20 years (over half your life) and the fact you overcame speaks to your character, it's become part of who you are, your core.  It reflects strength and perseverance!

I am actually surprised to hear you say you find it "dumb" to share these things, sharing vulnerabilities like this is how a couple builds emotional intimacy.

It may be why you struggle in your relationships.

Something to consider anyway.

Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes agree, casual, cold and lacking emotional intimacy.

Brit, your previous health struggles for 20 years (over half your life) and the fact you overcame speaks to your character, it's become part of who you are, your core.  It reflects strength and perseverance!

I am actually surprised to hear you say you find it "dumb" to share these things, sharing vulnerabilities like this is how a couple builds emotional intimacy.

It may be why you struggle in your relationships.

Something to consider anyway.

But he did share his struggles as a child. He told me he comes from poverty, he was unwanted. He has a bad relationship with his Father. I spoke about my childhood as well. You guys dont know what we talk about. This has nothing to do with my past the way he's acting now. Nothing. 

I am not cold to him at all, but now I'm confused as if he is actually serious about me since everyone here thinks hes not my boyfriend just a fwb. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Britney25

[Britney25]

15 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

These are normal things that couples in a committed relationship share with each other  You said that anorexia was part of your life for 20 years - that is pretty significant.  If your bf has diabetes (or other health condition), this is also something I'd expect him to disclose if your relationship was intimate/close. 

What you are saying supports the idea that your relationship is pretty much casual.

We did have intimate conversations just not about our health. We talked about our childhood and struggles. 

[Britney25]

He was hard pursing me. He took me on a getaway on my bday, took me to great restaurants,  events, shopping, texts me every day thinking of you,  good morning, hows your day ect...

So was it all fake? To get me to bed? I don't believe it. I cant believe he would invest 4 months just for sex.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Correct.  No mention of her health issues and he was never invited into her home after dating 4 mos. Lots of secrecy.

While this may be true, it still doesn't explain his behavior. If he's "punishing" her or whatever for not letting him come to her home, and it's weeks after that talk (I think?) and he's doing it by just ignoring her continued pleas to get together until he's good and ready, then I'm really not seeing how that's justified. In fact, it's just downright weird. 

And unless he's psychically picking up on the fact that she was anorexic, but hasn't told him, then that can't be figuring into this changed behavior either.

His behavior changed and it was recent. We can rip Britney apart for having been anorexic from now until kingdom come but that still won't change the fact that *his* behavior is really off compared to what it was. JMO.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So was it all fake? To get me to bed? I don't believe it. I cant believe he would invest 4 months just for sex.

There is a variety of relationships between just for sex and committed. It's never all in, or all out. 

Plenty of people have casual relationships where they share intimicy, go eat together, offer the occasional gift and treat, but it's still casual as in there is no plan for the future, the relationship is limited to them spending time together, they don't mix with friends & family. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Gaeta

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He was hard pursing me. He took me on a getaway on my bday, took me to great restaurants,  events, shopping, texts me every day thinking of you,  good morning, hows your day ect...

So was it all fake? To get me to bed? I don't believe it. I cant believe he would invest 4 months just for sex.

1. We can't know if it was fake or not. But with that said...

2. Lots of people are more "on their best behavior" in the beginning of a relationship. Then they relax a bit on the whole wooing (or whatever) thing as they begin to become an established couple. BUT that doesn't typically involve being really, really hard to get a hold of/get together with as compared to before, unless something has significantly changed, like a new job that is many more hours or something.

3. I don't think some people are saying he may be stringing you along for the sex because we want you to think he never cared. That's not really the point. It's his behavior - keeping you on the hook with little non-committal texts calling you "babe" but having "friends in town" and ignoring you even when you've asked a couple/few times to get together. Then when HE'S good and ready, he'll call you...like that morning? (???) and you know you'll inevitably have sex. It's really the combination of all these things and how suddenly and quickly you feel his behavior changed.

Edited July 7, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

We did have intimate conversations just not about our health. We talked about our childhood and struggles. 

Given that you are 36 and had a 20-year history with anorexia, it was part of both your childhood and your struggles.

Look, there is nothing wrong with a casual relationship centered predominantly on sex, and you are under no requirement to share details of your life that you don't want to share. But you seem to want this guy to behave like a proper bf, which is not consistent with minimizing the importance of sharing the sort of details that had to have been life-altering for you.  

Perhaps it's time for you to think through what you want out of this relationship and then discuss with this guy to see if you are both truly on the same page.

[introverted1]

8 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He was hard pursing me. He took me on a getaway on my bday, took me to great restaurants,  events, shopping, texts me every day thinking of you,  good morning, hows your day ect...

So was it all fake? To get me to bed? I don't believe it. I cant believe he would invest 4 months just for sex.

Not necessarily fake.  But also not necessarily deep or lasting. 

[Britney25]

12 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Given that you are 36 and had a 20-year history with anorexia, it was part of both your childhood and your struggles.

Look, there is nothing wrong with a casual relationship centered predominantly on sex, and you are under no requirement to share details of your life that you don't want to share. But you seem to want this guy to behave like a proper bf, which is not consistent with minimizing the importance of sharing the sort of details that had to have been life-altering for you.  

Perhaps it's time for you to think through what you want out of this relationship and then discuss with this guy to see if you are both truly on the same page.

I discussed if he sees us as casual. He says he doesn't but wants to see where this will lead to. What does that mean exactly? Marriage?

[Britney25]

13 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Not necessarily fake.  But also not necessarily deep or lasting. 

Well when he talks about us he keeps saying we, our home, want to make you happy. Keeps calling me baby Mama. Said if I get pregnant he would be ok with it. Talks about another trip. So that's not future talk? Asks me to pick out furniture for his place. My insight. How he dresses. That means nothing?

Edited July 7, 2021 by Britney25

[Britney25]

17 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

1. We can't know if it was fake or not. But with that said...

2. Lots of people are more "on their best behavior" in the beginning of a relationship. Then they relax a bit on the whole wooing (or whatever) thing as they begin to become an established couple. BUT that doesn't typically involve being really, really hard to get a hold of/get together with as compared to before, unless something has significantly changed, like a new job that is many more hours or something.

I never said he is hard to get hold off. Whenever I ask to meet he tells me yes. What I said changed is he doesnt plan ahead to ask me out. It's usually last minute (day off) and if we do meet in the past 3 weeks we usually just end up in his home. He takes me out to a restaurant less now. That's what changed.