Am I crazy to think this?

[glows]

14 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Of course I dont want to sleep with him. I only slept with him because I genuinely liked him. He told me he loved me. God I'm so sad that love is spit out like its worthless. I forgive him. Hes human. Hes a sinner like me. I'm not saying I'm a perfect.  Just hurt that he acted like a jerk. 

I’m not sure why you’re forgiving him. That’s a loaded word which implies that you’re also accepting the way he treated you and you have to somehow be all right with it. Well, no. You do not. Leave the healing to time.

The reality is most will not be a match with you and long term relationships take a lot of work and being on the same page. This was just one jerk out of many. You’ll know better how to filter your dates in future. 

[AnnieB]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a ridiculous suggestion. Comes from prejudiced thinking.

Instead be angry for a while. Get it out of your system.

Break-ups hurt. Hurt feels like anger. 

Has he tried to contact you since the have a wonderful day text?

Love this comment. Too often we don’t process breakups and anger. We shall. It’s the only way to not turn it inwards. That’s why I’m actually suggesting the breakup convo and have Britney have a chance to say her peace. If she feels like it. It will be cathartic. 

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m not sure why you’re forgiving him. That’s a loaded word which implies that you’re also accepting the way he treated you and you have to somehow be all right with it. Well, no. You do not. 

Hi glows, I'd like to respond to this.

Forgiving someone does not mean accepting as OK the way they treated you.

Nor does it mean you should want any more to do with this person.

It does however mean acceptance of the situation, because well, it happened, it's reality, you accept it, deal with the painful emotions, move on and heal.

Forgiving is not for the other person, it's for ourselves, so we can move on without bitterness, without distrust, anger and hate.

Brit is right, we are all sinners at least on some level.  We have all made poor choices, treated people with less integrity than we should have.

We learn, we grow, we evolve from it and strive to do better next time

But yeah, I absolutely agree with Brit to forgive.  Not for him, but for herself.

It takes an evolved and enlightened person to do this, so kudos to Brit.

Brit, chalk this one up to a painful and challenging learning experience.

You can however grow from this, and become stronger, wiser, more evolved. 

That's the positive takeaway, a blessing in disguise so to speak... xo

 

 

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi glows, I'd like to respond to this.

Forgiving someone does not mean accepting as OK the way they treated you.

Nor does it mean you should want any more to do with this person.

It does however mean acceptance of the situation, because well, it happened, it's reality, you accept it, deal with the painful emotions, move on and heal.

Forgiving is not for the other person, it's for ourselves, so we can move on without bitterness, without distrust, anger and hate.

Brit is right, we are all sinners at least on some level.  We have all made poor choices, treated people with less integrity than we should have.

We learn, we grow, we evolve from it and strive to do better next time

But yeah, I absolutely agree with Brit to forgive.  Not for him, but for herself.

It takes an evolved and enlightened person to do this, so kudos to Brit.

Brit, chalk this one up to a painful and challenging learning experience.

You can grow from this, and become stronger, wiser, more evolved. 

That's the positive takeaway, a blessing in disguise so to speak... xo

 

 

 

 

That is fine. My point is that she shouldn’t be rushing herself into forgiving someone when she’s clearly still upset and angry. I’m not disagreeing with your post. I agree moving forwards does require compassion for others and the self too. 

Whether she chooses to talk with him is her choice. In some cases it’s quite futile and causes more frustration because the other party is simply incapable of understanding what’s being said. I don’t recommend unleashing any anger on someone else or unloading it on the recipient. That’s the opposite of forgiveness. 

She’s told him how she feels before and all he does is apologize profusely yet he doesn’t change as a person. As long as she’s not looking for change and knows this isn’t right for her talking about it may be cathartic but frankly it seems like an exercise in more futility and not even self-serving enough because the response back is likely to be disenchanting. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

That is fine. My point is that she shouldn’t be rushing herself into forgiving someone when she’s clearly still upset and angry.

Not sure I understand this^, sorry.

She said she already forgives him, and you were advising her not to, which I disagree with.

There is no time table on forgiving. It happens naturally, it's not even a conscious thing imo.

Healing is a process that can include, anger, joy, hate, love, upset and yes forgiveness. 

We work though all these emotions simultaneously until we finally heal and move on.

I agree with what you posted earlier, healing takes time, and we need to be patient with ourselves. 

At some point, Brit may wish to talk to him or what I do is write letters but don't send. 

Writing our thoughts and emotions is so cathartic and healing, I highly recommend, it has helped me so much through the years. 

Simply write and store away.  Do not send.

Since Brit posted she already forgives him, I say stick with that and continue the healing process.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

Nope he is silent. First for us .

His silence tells you a lot more than his stupid "beautiful day" nonsense.
Let him go, do not humiliate yourself any further by trying to talk to this guy.
He is done, but no doubt he would not be averse to a bit of sex if you would let him...
There is nothing left for you here.

Grieve, heal and move on.
it was 4 months, not 4 years, so put it all into perspective.
In a few years you will struggle to remember his name..
Onwards and upwards.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you tried this, since you're recommending it? Was it successful for you?

I'm a single parent with a mortgage. OP is a pharmacist living with her parents, I thought she may have 2K to gamble with. 

[AnnieB]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

His silence tells you a lot more than his stupid "beautiful day" nonsense.
Let him go, do not humiliate yourself any further by trying to talk to this guy.
He is done, but no doubt he would not be averse to a bit of sex if you would let him...
There is nothing left for you here.

Grieve, heal and move on.
it was 4 months, not 4 years, so put it all into perspective.
In a few years you will struggle to remember his name..
Onwards and upwards.

Very much agree to this. As forum members will remind you, there is actually someone out there, who wants the family and the works and they want it with you. Chin up, bikini on and out to the beach my friend. Today is not the day to “forgive” anything. Today is the day to forgive yourself for keeping your weekends hostage:)

 

[Britney25]

20 minutes ago, AnnieB said:

Very much agree to this. As forum members will remind you, there is actually someone out there, who wants the family and the works and they want it with you. Chin up, bikini on and out to the beach my friend. Today is not the day to “forgive” anything. Today is the day to forgive yourself for keeping your weekends hostage:)

 

Yes thank you. Btw is his silence called pulling away or ghosting? I never get the lingo right.

[Britney25]

2 hours ago, AnnieB said:

Love this comment. Too often we don’t process breakups and anger. We shall. It’s the only way to not turn it inwards. That’s why I’m actually suggesting the breakup convo and have Britney have a chance to say her peace. If she feels like it. It will be cathartic. 

Not sure if I even should initiate the break up convo. Let's see how the week goes.

[Britney25]

1 hour ago, glows said:

That is fine. My point is that she shouldn’t be rushing herself into forgiving someone when she’s clearly still upset and angry. I’m not disagreeing with your post. I agree moving forwards does require compassion for others and the self too. 

Whether she chooses to talk with him is her choice. In some cases it’s quite futile and causes more frustration because the other party is simply incapable of understanding what’s being said. I don’t recommend unleashing any anger on someone else or unloading it on the recipient. That’s the opposite of forgiveness. 

She’s told him how she feels before and all he does is apologize profusely yet he doesn’t change as a person. As long as she’s not looking for change and knows this isn’t right for her talking about it may be cathartic but frankly it seems like an exercise in more futility and not even self-serving enough because the response back is likely to be disenchanting. 

Not sure I will even initiate the break up talk. Let's see how the week goes.

[Amanda92]

You had serious conversation and he just ghosted you, so I wouldn't initiate any break up conversation and just move on.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, Amanda92 said:

You had serious conversation and he just ghosted you, so I wouldn't initiate any break up conversation and just move on.

Ok so it's called ghosting not pulling away what he's done?

Thanks

[AnnieB]

6 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Yes thank you. Btw is his silence called pulling away or ghosting? I never get the lingo right.

Pulling away was a month ago. This is ghosting. 

[Britney25]

16 minutes ago, AnnieB said:

Pulling away was a month ago. This is ghosting. 

Wow what an immature jerk. Ghosting me? I never ghosted anyone before. He could of just texted it's over and block me for example. Friday sent me a text hope you had a beautiful day only to ghost me after that text? Ha! I will never understand how Men think. Never.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Wow what an immature jerk. Ghosting me? 

I had a bf ghost me after 6 months and saying ILY the day before he ghost. Don't even try to understand. 

[Britney25]

My God what jerks. What is with this generation??? I will never behave like that. Never. I promise you. I'm sorry you went though that. So sorry. Hugs hun.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Ok so it's called ghosting not pulling away what he's done?

Sincere question, but does it really matter?

Labelling it one way or the other is irrelevant to the bottom line. 

[Britney25]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sincere question, but does it really matter?

Labelling it one way or the other is irrelevant to the bottom line. 

Just was curious.

[Britney25]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I had a bf ghost me after 6 months and saying ILY the day before he ghost. Don't even try to understand. 

Did you contact him? Asking what happened?

[Britney25]

I just can't phantom how I'm supposed to stay silent when he was my boyfriend of 4 months. Shouldn't it be perfectly fine to call him out?

Edited July 11, 2021 by Britney25

[Tinyjaguar]

17 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I just can't phantom how I'm supposed to stay silent when he was my boyfriend of 4 months. Shouldn't it be perfectly fine to call him out?

Yes, call him out, if that's what you want to do. Give him some stick and tell him to get stuffed if he can't deliver.

In this relationship you have a choice and it is your perogative to ask your bf for what you want. It serves no purpose to suffer in silence.

[Acacia98]

42 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I just can't phantom how I'm supposed to stay silent when he was my boyfriend of 4 months. Shouldn't it be perfectly fine to call him out?

I was in a similar situation with someone I'd been with for 1.5 years. He'd even brought me to family events. Then I tried to initiate a conversation about what he wanted because he was obviously pulling away. I gave him an easy out. If he was straightforward, we would have had an honest conversation and ended things, and it would have been possible to salvage a friendship from our relationship.

He chose to do things differently. He acknowledged that he knew it looked like he was pulling away. But it didnt reflect how he truly felt about me. He wanted us to talk about it after he'd had time to think about it and make sense of his issues (as he put it). Needless to say, we never talked. He started avoiding me and taking me round in circles, before ultimately getting angry with me (amazing, right?) and doing the silent treatment thing. I ultimately figured out that it wasn't your garden variety silent treatment. He had actually ghosted me.

This kind of thing is more common than it should be. So it could easily happen again to you, me, or whoever. If, however, you take your time to figure out what the red flags were with your guy, you'll be better placed to spot someone similar in the future and to nip things in the bud before anything meaningful develops between you two. You could try telling your guy off, but I'm not sure it'll help you. 

Edited July 11, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Britney25 said:

Not sure I will even initiate the break up talk. Let's see how the week goes.

Agree. You already laid the cards on the table a week or so ago and his response was "here's my (busy) schedule" and a few "have a nice day" texts.

A breakup talk seems superfluous and like dragging out the nonsense.

Don't stoop to breakup talks. Why boost his ego and listen to more passive-aggressive drivel?

You have your de facto closure in his lack of responsiveness.

Edited July 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Yes, call him out, if that's what you want to do. Give him some stick and tell him to get stuffed if he can't deliver.

LOL, yeah, I can see how the above advice might work; who knows, some men need that fire lit under their butts, they actually like it.  It riles them up! 

If it's genuinely a women's nature, do it, I don't think it's Brit's nature though.

Is it Brit?  You want to call him out?  What would you say?

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields