Am I crazy to think this?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see why it couldn't be his ex, Brit. 

Not everyone who isn't over their ex is going to display obvious signs of that. Not everyone is going to talk about their ex, even if they miss them and still want them. That thought actually crossed my mind earlier in this thread, wondering if an ex had reappeared in his life recently.  It's not out of the realm of the possibility that he's telling the truth about  wanting to work things out with her. 

But as everyone has rightly pointed out, it makes no difference (for you) if it's his ex or someone else altogether. And it is absolutely not a reflection of your value. What you know now is that you can trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. You knew something was off, and you were completely right. 

I am really sorry this was the outcome. Be gentle with yourself as you heal. 

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Still make me feel like I wasnt enough for him.  I just dont believe he cared for me at all. I told him that. I told him also I think theres another woman not your ex and he denied bluntly. 

 

Okay accept that statement and know he was the wrong choice.  It doesn't matter about the other women, he was not for you.  There is a man out there who will see you as more than enough for him.  It won't help you to dwell on the if's or why's.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

. He told me his heart fell when I said I dont believe he actually cared for me for the 4 months. Well how am I to know it's the truth when nothing adds up. 

You don't have to believe that what he said was the truth.  When things don't add up that is a good reason to not believe him.

[Britney25]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You don't have to believe that what he said was the truth.  When things don't add up that is a good reason to not believe him.

Well that hurts even more that I was used. I was a toy. I told him you used me for sex. He said no thats crazy! 

[Britney25]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay accept that statement and know he was the wrong choice.  It doesn't matter about the other women, he was not for you.  There is a man out there who will see you as more than enough for him.  It won't help you to dwell on the if's or why's.

Seems like no Man is for me..I'm tired I'm really tired . 20yrs no ralthionship with anyone because 10yrs of that I was sick.

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Exactly. Why keep lieing to me?? He said he didnt want to hurt me well I told him you did. It's not fair how you used me to fill your void while you knew you had feelings for your ex. I even asked him why did you tell me you loved me and wanted this and that. Was that fake?? I must say he didnt really argue with me..he was listening , was calm but was denying a lot of things I said to him. He told me his heart fell when I said I dont believe he actually cared for me for the 4 months. Well how am I to know it's the truth when nothing adds up. 

Man I'm so hurt. My eyes are like swollen. 

I find you did a GREAT job at expressing to him him how all this made you feel. He didn't really argue with you because he knew you were right. 

When he says he didn't want to hurt you, he says that to make HIMSELF feel better, not to make you feel better. You made him face the hurt he's done to you and he's feeling like Sh$t so to make himself not feel so sh$tty he says *he didn't mean it*. He probably cared about you *in his own way* and that's what he's defending. Did he care about you the way  you wished to be cared for? no, not at all. 

Britney, don't worry about your swollen eyes. When my ex left I could not recognize myself in the mirror for an entire month. Don't worry your beautiful face will come back. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[Britney25]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see why it couldn't be his ex, Brit. 

Not everyone who isn't over their ex is going to display obvious signs of that. Not everyone is going to talk about their ex, even if they miss them and still want them. That thought actually crossed my mind earlier in this thread, wondering if an ex had reappeared in his life recently.  It's not out of the realm of the possibility that he's telling the truth about  wanting to work things out with her. 

But as everyone has rightly pointed out, it makes no difference (for you) if it's his ex or someone else altogether. And it is absolutely not a reflection of your value. What you know now is that you can trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. You knew something was off, and you were completely right. 

I am really sorry this was the outcome. Be gentle with yourself as you heal. 

I dont understand how you can date and still try to work things out with your ex. That is playing with peoples hearts.  I told him that. Even then last month I told him you still didnt say anything when we kept meeting having sex, while I told him he knew his heart was somewhere else. I told him that's a shitty thing to do. He said he was still processing his feelings.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Well that hurts even more that I was used. I was a toy. I told him you used me for sex. He said no thats crazy! 

Britney, stop. You weren't a toy. Yes, this guy was an azzh*le but I think he really tried. It is INSIDE HIM that he can't move on to another woman, and/or stay loyal to a woman...at this stage post-divorce, whatever that stage is. You could be Jennifer Lawrence and he wouldn't be loyal if these feelings were (are) still inside him. Period.

You're trying to demonize him because it hurts so much, so now he has to be a monster. I agree that he's a semi-broken idiot, but I don't think he necessarily monstrously tried to destroy you. Yes, he used the tools in his toolkit as far as love-bombing you. He figured: "that's how I get a girlfriend." But he wasn't necessarily rubbing his hands together cackling while he did it...know what I mean? He just effed up. 

Yes, there is a man for you. You have had hardly any relationships. If you're not having relationships how do you know there's absolutely no man out there for you? It's time to cry, then breathe, then calm down a little.

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I dont understand how you can date and still try to work things out with your ex. That is playing with peoples hearts.  I told him that. Even then last month I told him you still didnt say anything when we kept meeting having sex, while I told him he knew his heart was somewhere else. I told him that's a shitty thing to do. He said he was still processing his feelings.

Well, this isn't an excuse and I am in absolutely no way condoning it...so know that.

But with that said...

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void. ETA: Not just anyone else, mind you. He wanted you for a reason, or reasons. He might think you're beautiful. He might think you're funny, creative, warm, sexy, or whatever. You weren't just a placeholder, you do grab men's hearts. Know that. Even this scr*wed-up guy pining for his ex couldn't resist you, so yes, you WILL find another guy. You yourself said you were sick for a decade. If you can get better, you have another chance, and another. You'll find love.

Edited July 14, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I find you did a GREAT job at expressing to him him how all this made you feel. He didn't really argue with you because he knew you were right. 

When he says he didn't want to hurt you, he says that to make HIMSELF feel better, not to make you feel better. You make him face the hurt he's done to you and he's feeling like Sh$t so to make himself not feel so sh$tty he says *he didn't mean it*. He probably cared about you *in his own way* and that's what he's defending. Did he care about you the way  you wished to be cared for? no, not at all. 

Britney, don't worry about your swollen eyes. When my ex left I could not recognize myself in the mirror for an entire month. Don't worry your beautiful face will come back. 

You're so sweet. All of you are. Thank you...I'm even crying while writing this.

Wow what a jerk. I cant believe it. I really cant. I even told him did you think ghosting was a way to go? Did you think I wasn't going to confront you?? He was silent. Then I added I'm not like you , you see, I would never do that to you or anyone. I thought you're a Man of character.  Hes like I am a Man of character. I said you're nothing showing it. Really he mostly listened to me and kept apologizing and said he cared for me  over and over again.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I dont understand how you can date and still try to work things out with your ex. That is playing with peoples hearts.  I told him that. Even then last month I told him you still didnt say anything when we kept meeting having sex, while I told him he knew his heart was somewhere else. I told him that's a shitty thing to do. He said he was still processing his feelings.

Yet, people do this every day.  Both men and women.  There is a saying that the best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else.  Truth is he's a man and still needs sex and will get it even if their heart is somewhere else.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Well, this isn't an excuse and I am in absolutely no way condoning it...so know that.

But with that said...

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void.

Yes I even told him it seems to me you used me to fill a void. He of course was denying the fact.

There were 2 times he went silent on me, I thought he hanged up. I asked are you there? He said yes just listening. I think he knew everything I was saying is true.  Idk

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void.

^^^ this.

[Britney25]

5 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Britney, stop. You weren't a toy. Yes, this guy was an azzh*le but I think he really tried. It is INSIDE HIM that he can't move on to another woman, and/or stay loyal to a woman...at this stage post-divorce, whatever that stage is. You could be Jennifer Lawrence and he wouldn't be loyal if these feelings were (are) still inside him. Period.

You're trying to demonize him because it hurts so much, so now he has to be a monster. I agree that he's a semi-broken idiot, but I don't think he necessarily monstrously tried to destroy you. Yes, he used the tools in his toolkit as far as love-bombing you. He figured: "that's how I get a girlfriend." But he wasn't necessarily rubbing his hands together cackling while he did it...know what I mean? He just effed up. 

Yes, there is a man for you. You have had hardly any relationships. If you're not having relationships how do you know there's absolutely no man out there for you? It's time to cry, then breathe, then calm down a little.

What do you mean not rubbing his hands together? Sorry 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I dont understand how you can date and still try to work things out with your ex. That is playing with peoples hearts. 

I agree, but it's not that unusual.

 

[stillafool]

Just now, Britney25 said:

What do you mean not rubbing his hands together? Sorry 

You know, like a mad scientist creating a nasty spell.  In otherwords, he didn't mean to do evil.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Yes I even told him it seems to me you used me to fill a void. He of course was denying the fact.

There were 2 times he went silent on me, I thought he hanged up. I asked are you there? He said yes just listening. I think he knew everything I was saying is true.  Idk

Britney, I edited and added to that post. Would you please read it for me? Because it's true. Here you go:

*

Well, this isn't an excuse and I am in absolutely no way condoning it...so know that.

But with that said...

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void. ETA: Not just anyone else, mind you. He wanted you for a reason, or reasons. He might think you're beautiful. He might think you're funny, creative, warm, sexy, or whatever. You weren't just a placeholder, you do grab men's hearts. Know that. Even this scr*wed-up guy pining for his ex couldn't resist you, so yes, you WILL find another guy. You yourself said you were sick for a decade. If you can get better, you have another chance, and another. You'll find love.

*:

What do you mean not rubbing his hands together? Sorry 

You know, like a mad scientist creating a nasty spell.  In otherwords, he didn't mean to do evil.

- My response: Yes, exactly. I meant he didn't sit there deviously (or I don't imagine he did) wondering how he could mess you up and harm you. He was lonely and he had no clue how to correctly deal with that. And he probably truly thought he was making himself "get over" the ex.

Edited July 14, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Britney25]

5 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Well, this isn't an excuse and I am in absolutely no way condoning it...so know that.

But with that said...

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void.

P.S 

So but someone eventually will fill a void for him? He said even though my ex is crazy I still have feelings for her. I felt like this the last month . Hes still a jerk not communicating with me this earlier. So if I would've have talked with him on Monday for sure he would probably still want sex.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

P.S 

So but someone eventually will fill a void for him? He said even though my ex is crazy I still have feelings for her. I felt like this the last month . Hes still a jerk not communicating with me this earlier. So if I would've have talked with him on Monday for sure he would probably still want sex.

Britney, stop! Who knows whether someone will eventually fill the void for him? For all you know it will be 10 years from now and he'll still be messed up. You're 10 years post-recovery and still having serious issues with recidivism. Think about it. Do you think this guy is wandering off to find his happily ever after? He has a buttload of work to do on himself or he'll remain unhappy and pining. Maybe forever. Who knows how long? Does it matter? Who knows if someone will eventually fill the void and whether she'll be happy with him, or miserable. Does it matter?

[Britney25]

5 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Britney, I edited and added to that post. Would you please read it for me? Because it's true. Here you go:

*

Well, this isn't an excuse and I am in absolutely no way condoning it...so know that.

But with that said...

How does a person do this?

Well, by hurting as much by a breakup as you are now, and desperately seeking someone else to fill the void. ETA: Not just anyone else, mind you. He wanted you for a reason, or reasons. He might think you're beautiful. He might think you're funny, creative, warm, sexy, or whatever. You weren't just a placeholder, you do grab men's hearts. Know that. Even this scr*wed-up guy pining for his ex couldn't resist you, so yes, you WILL find another guy. You yourself said you were sick for a decade. If you can get better, you have another chance, and another. You'll find love.

*:

What do you mean not rubbing his hands together? Sorry 

You know, like a mad scientist creating a nasty spell.  In otherwords, he didn't mean to do evil.

- My response: Yes, exactly. I meant he didn't sit there deviously (or I don't imagine he did) wondering how he could mess you up and harm you. He was lonely and he had no clue how to correctly deal with that. And he probably truly thought he was making himself "get over" the ex.

So did I help him heal do you think? Did I help him in anyway?

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Britney25 said:

Everything stems from my father rejected me as a child. I never felt loved, good enough. He never told me I am beautiful.  I never felt easy sharing my emotions...this break up just made all those negative emotions come up because a Man rejected me. 

I'm so sorry your dad treated you way, @Britney25. You deserved better. Your explanation helps me understand why being rejected by this guy provoked such a strong reaction in you. 

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

So he did call.  Brief summary of what happened 

He said he has feelings for his ex again and doesn't think he wants to get married anymore in the future. I basically told him that he lied to me and he was fake for 4 months. I told him I dont believe s*** about what he said. I told him why he kept me in the dark during the last month. He said he was still processing everything. I asked if he even knows my name because he kept calling me babe. He's like you're really asking me that? I said yes. I'm NOT your baby anymore. Were done were finished.

He told me he is very hurt that I don't believe that he cared for me. 

f*** him. 

You did good. Despite the pain and anxiety, you stood up for yourself. I'm proud of you. 🤗

2 hours ago, Britney25 said:

How long could he be processing this??? Whole month he didnt say anything . If he really wanted me he would've told me today to give him time. He didnt. Plus I said I'm not waiting for you to figure out what you want. I wait for no Man.

That was a load of BS. If he was really confused about what he wanted and needed time to process it, when you noticed he was pulling away and asked him what was up, he had the perfect opportunity to open up and give you a version of the truth. Instead of doing that, he lied to you. And then he pulled that passive aggressive stunt with his schedule. 

36 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

You think if I never had that conversation with him Monday he would've stayed wouldn't he? 

I think he would have stayed. But he would have demoted you to the position of FWB. When he was avoiding you, he was essentially trying to renegotiate the terms of your relationship: he wanted you to place zero emotional demands on him but to be available for sex at his convenience. By having that conversation with him, you stood up for yourself and for your values.

24 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think if you had never had that conversation with him on Monday he would have kept you on deck with half-assed "morning, babe"s and "have a beautiful day"s. And when his "friend wasn't in town" he'd have thrown you a crumb and asked for a "meet" at his house.

Exactly.

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

I dont understand how you can date and still try to work things out with your ex.

That's because he's messed up in a way you can't relate to. You wouldn't do the same thing to another person.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He said even though my ex is crazy I still have feelings for her.

More than likely he hasn't been divorced that long but I've known men who were divorced for years and still not over their wife.  Years ago I knew a divorced deadly playboy, I mean the type who had women falling at his feet.  He was playing with all the women who wanted him.  He would come to our house and have drinks with my husband, sit and cry for his ex wife for hours while she had moved on and was pregnant with another man's child.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So did I help him heal do you think? Did I help him in anyway?

Britney! Stop stop stop! Who gives AF whether you helped him heal? It's doubtful he's getting better since he's still hung up on someone who so earnestly wants to be away from him that she divorced him.

[Britney25]

@Acacia98 thank you soooooo much for your comments. Thank you. 

I agree with you. He lied to me over the phone again today, that's why he was silent and listening to me.

[poppyfields]

Brit, please dont take offense to this but as I mentioned earlier no man will love you unless and until you love yourself first! 

My mom used to say this to me until it finally sunk in and I learned to value myself (paraphrasing):

"Right now, you are not loving yourself, you are pitying yourself, feeling sorry for yourself.  You are allowing another person's poor behaviour to determine your own worth and value, which right now is in the gutter.  Seeing yourself as low value instead of seeing THEM as low value." 

Brit, the way he has dealt with this is deplorable!  Who knows what the hell drives him, maybe after his marriage he's become a huge commitment phobe who is emotionally incapable of going beyond three months with any woman! 

He falls in love with an ideal and fantasy which is typically what the first three months is (the honeymoon stage).

Hence the love bombing, it is not real so early in.  Real love takes time to build, slowly, gradually.

This has literally NOTHING to do with you or your value, as a woman or human being. 

Please stop allowing him so much power over you, he is not worth it nor worth all the energy you are devoting to him right now.

It's okay to be hurt, that is very normal.  I've been hurt myself tons of times! 

But I no longer take the blame for poor behavior or allow a man so much power over me.

I am strong, resilient and will get through it, stronger, smarter for having experienced it.

That is my attitude now and has been for a few years.  Serves me well.

Please consider this, and switch the mindset.  Give yourself positive affirmations, such as I am beautiful, sensitive, educated, accomplished! 

And start reading, learning, growing. Work on moving out and becoming more independent.

Explore therapy as well, it gets a bad rap sometimes but has helped me a lot!

Learn healthy ways to cope without internalizing and becoming self-destructive which refusing to eat certainly is.

Otherwise you will be 40 or even 50 and still in the same emotional place.

I say all this with love like my mom (and dad) did because I am a HSP and prone to unhealthy ways to cope and self-destruction, like a serious eating disorder years back,  just like you, which I have posted about on this forum. 

 

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields