Am I crazy to think this?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So did I help him heal do you think? Did I help him in anyway?

The question was not for me but I'd like to say: 

No, you did not help him to heal. Healing a long personal process we have to do ourselves but I'm sure he will think twice before 'filling the void' with someone else because you expressed loud and clear the damage he's done on his path.

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

More than likely he hasn't been divorced that long but I've known men who were divorced for years and still not over their wife.  Years ago I knew a divorced deadly playboy, I mean the type who had women falling at his feet.  He was playing with all the women who wanted him.  He would come to our house and have drinks with my husband, sit and cry for his ex wife for hours while she had moved on and was pregnant with another man's child.

Yes I think he recently got divorced.  He told me today he is looking for a ltr but not marriage. I told him nothing adds up to what you said earlier and now. He said well people change. I even said is that why you kept calling me baby mama? You want a kid without marriage? He went silent. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Britney25 said:

I even said is that why you kept calling me baby mama? You want a kid without marriage? He went silent. 

What a jerk.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

 I told him nothing adds up to what you said earlier and now.  He went silent. 

Sorry this happened. He is a low integrity person full of self-serving BS.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry Britney.

The fact that he kept stringing you along, in the dark, while he was doing whatever he was doing with his ex or other women, enjoying his birthday, you waiting by the phone in agony just shows you the type of person he truly is.

This man gave you zero love. zero respect. zero empathy.

I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to hear what he had to say but hopefully now you can move forward with each passing day.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Alpaca

[Britney25]

14 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Sorry Britney.

The fact that he kept stringing you along, in the dark, while he was doing whatever he was doing with his ex or other women, enjoying his birthday, you waiting by the phone in agony just shows you the type of person he truly is.

This man gave you zero love. zero respect. zero empathy.

I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to hear what he had to say but hopefully now you can move forward with each passing day.

It hurts even more. I told him it was all fake wasnt it. How can you process feelings for a whole month ? I told him you should've or told I need space not meet with me have sex with me while your heart and head was somewhere else. That's a shitty thing to do so how am I to believe anything you ever told me was the truth?  Even when he said today I have feelings for my ex but I am looking for ltr just not marriage. That doesnt add up. I reminded him you had your chance to tell me Monday but no you said everything was ok with us. Wtf ?!! He kept saying I was thinking still...thinking my ass sorry. Then he sends me a text message after claiming he just saw my response to his text that he saw on Friday (BS) and telling me how I will cherish our time together you have a friend in me . Bla...Blah  I wanted to reply EFF off you a**h***. 

[Britney25]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He is a low integrity person full of self-serving BS.

Yeah and what hurts even more is I'm questioning his feelings for me. Where they sincere? I will never know. Never. Right now I feel I cant open up to any man out there.  

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Right now I feel I cant open up to any man out there

You're correct.  Right now you can't open up to another man because you need to heal from this and get healthy.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

It hurts even more. I told him it was all fake wasnt it. How can you process feelings for a whole month ? I told him you should've or told I need space not meet with me have sex with me while your heart and head was somewhere else. That's a shitty thing to do so how am I to believe anything you ever told me was the truth?  Even when he said today I have feelings for my ex but I am looking for ltr just not marriage. That doesnt add up. I reminded him you had your chance to tell me Monday but no you said everything was ok with us. Wtf ?!! He kept saying I was thinking still...thinking my ass sorry. Then he sends me a text message after claiming he just saw my response to his text that he saw on Friday (BS) and telling me how I will cherish our time together you have a friend in me . Bla...Blah  I wanted to reply EFF off you a**h***. 

I know Britney. It hurts like hell.

My eyes are getting teary just hearing about it.

9 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He kept saying I was thinking still...thinking my ass sorry.

Right. He was "thinking" alright while out enjoying his birthday.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Yeah and what hurts even more is I'm questioning his feelings for me. Where they sincere? I will never know. Never. Right now I feel I cant open up to any man out there.  

Brit, his feelings were genuine at the time. To him, they were real.

But like I said, he was idealizing you, fantasizing, falling in love with the "idea" of you, the idea of love, marriage, having babies.

Part infatuation, part delusion.

Once reality hit, around 3 months which is typical, it all changed.

He began feeling the pressure to deliver on his promises and he couldn't hack it, plain and simple.

He is not going to tell you this, he may not even be aware of it himself, hence his "processing."

So he came up with the old standby excuse- his ex.

So typical.

None of this is your fault, or lowers your value in any way.

It's all on him! 

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Yeah and what hurts even more is I'm questioning his feelings for me. 

It sounds like he cared about you and that part was real.

He is a weasel however to not be forthright a month or so ago when he instead tried to slither out with sugar coated crap and without accountability.

He doesn't come from a good family, does he?

Edited July 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Britney25]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he cared about you and that part was real.

He is a weasel however to not be forthright a month or so ago when he instead tried to slither out with sugar coated crap and without accountability.

He doesn't come from a good family, does he?

He told me was unwanted as a child. His Father told him he was a mistake from a one night stand.  He doesnt have contact with him at all. Now with his mom he said he supports and has a good relationship with her.

[Britney25]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Brit, his feelings were genuine at the time. To him, they were real.

But like I said, he was idealizing you, fantasizing, falling in love with the "idea" of you, the idea of love, marriage, having babies.

Part infatuation, part delusion.

Once reality hit, around 3 months which is typical, it all changed.

He began feeling the pressure to deliver on his promises and he couldn't hack it, plain and simple.

He is not going to tell you this, he may not even be aware of it himself, hence his "processing."

So he came up with the old standby excuse- his ex.

So typical.

None of this is your fault, or lowers your value in any way.

It's all on him! 

 

 

 

Still he chose to let me go.......

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Still he chose to let me go.......

What else would you expect though? 

He's got issues, plain and simple.

Why are you taking HIS commitment or whatever issues HE has so personally like it's some sort of personal affront to you and your value as a woman and human being ?

I realize you're  hurt, rightfully so, but what I don't understand is why you are personalizing this, again HIS issues have nothing to do with you. 

 

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He told me was unwanted as a child. His Father told him he was a mistake from a one night stand.  He doesnt have contact with him at all. Now with his mom he said he supports and has a good relationship with her.

He has a lot of cracks in the foundation. That is his issue, not yours.

[Britney25]

Just now, poppyfields said:

What else would you expect though? 

He's got issues, plain and simple, why are you taking HIS commitment or whatever issues HE has so personally like it's some sort of perdinsl affront to you and your value as a woman and human being ?

I realize you're  hurt, rightfully so, but what I don't understand is why you are personalizing this, again HIS issues have nothing to do with you. 

 

It all comes down from my childhood. My father rejected me all my life. His rejection triggered the same pain. Also I really cared for him. I wanted to love him more than his ex did. I guess I want to heal Men who have issues especially when he told me his childhood sucked. He was very poor as well. I empathized with him. We had a lot of sex so that didnt help me either. The feelings were even stronger. 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Still he chose to let me go.......

Of course.   Most of us have many failed relationships before we find The One.   What you're experiencing is actually quite normal in the world of dating and relationships.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He has a lot of cracks in the foundation. That is his issue, not yours.

He still feels unloved? Maybe he felt he didnt deserve my love. Maybe I was too good to him, he wasnt used to it.

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Of course.   Most of us have many failed relationships before we find The One.   What you're experiencing is actually quite normal in the world of dating and relationships.

To me it doesnt feel like that because I missed out on 20yrs of dating.  Now I'm trying to catch up and find the one.  Like right now. I really dream of marriage and children but for some reason it's still not happening. I mean it could've been him. That's what I'm grieving. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

It all comes down from my childhood. My father rejected me all my life. His rejection triggered the same pain. Also I really cared for him. I wanted to love him more than his ex did. I guess I want to heal Men who have issues especially when he told me his childhood sucked. He was very poor as well. I empathized with him. We had a lot of sex so that didnt help me either. The feelings were even stronger. 

This is where therapy would be helpful.  Help you sort through all those unresolved emotions that impact your choices and how you manage yourself as an adult. 

Brit, you are 36, it's time to address these things. 

I hope you will at least consider.

Perhaps the positive takeaway from this experience is it's opened your eyes to your own issues that need addressing.

As CAGirl said, you can only fix you, you cannot fix him.

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

This is where therapy would be helpful.  Help you sort through all those unresolved emotions that impact your choices and how you manage yourself as an adult. 

Brit, you are 36, it's time to address these things. 

I hope you will at least consider.

Perhaps the positive takeaway from this experience is it's opened your eyes to your own issues that need addressing.

As CAGirl said, you can only fix you, you cannot fix him.

I know I'm 36. I also know I wasn't in any realationship before. And? He didnt leave because of my issues. Him leaving makes me feel like s***. Poppy you had more experience with Men so maybe you can say that easier than me. I dont meant to be rude of course. 

He promised me a lot and dumped me. I know his human but I really really believed he was in it for longer than 3 months, I'm not even counting the last month.

[basil67]

Of course you're grieving, but that doesn't change the fact that most of us kiss many toads before we find our prince/princess.   It's something you'd be wise to get your head around before you try dating again.   Sure, enjoy the feelings and relax enough to enjoy, but always keep in the back of your mind that it may not be forever.  

And kindly, for you to make headway in dating, you're going to have to address your coping mechanisms and learn to manage them in a way which isn't harmful to yourself.  Having well managed mental health issues isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but refusing to seek help for them when you're falling again will mostly will be a deal breaker for others. 

Please see that psychologist.

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Of course you're grieving, but that doesn't change the fact that most of us kiss many toads before we find our prince/princess.   It's something you'd be wise to get your head around before you try dating again.   Sure, enjoy the feelings and relax enough to enjoy, but always keep in the back of your mind that it may not be forever.  

And kindly, for you to make headway in dating, you're going to have to address your coping mechanisms and learn to manage them in a way which isn't harmful to yourself.  Having well managed mental health issues isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but refusing to seek help for them when you're falling again will mostly will be a deal breaker for others. 

Please see that psychologist.

I don't know..seems pointless. At least when I dont eat it numbs my pain. Now I'm feeling a lot. Too much. Anyway I'm going to go take a nap because my head is going to explode.

Thank you

[CaliforniaGirl]

31 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I know I'm 36. I also know I wasn't in any realationship before. And? He didnt leave because of my issues. Him leaving makes me feel like s***. Poppy you had more experience with Men so maybe you can say that easier than me. I dont meant to be rude of course. 

He promised me a lot and dumped me. I know his human but I really really believed he was in it for longer than 3 months, I'm not even counting the last month.

It's not about him leaving. It's about you choosing. You keep bringing it back to him - what did he want, were you enough for him, what should you have done differently to make him stay, waiting for him to text or text back, waiting for him to call or call back, him him him him.

You chose no relationships, or distant men (I think? Can't remember), or...someone so over-the-top in the beginning that you just said today that there were already red flags. Therapy can help *you choose* better next time, once you have more love for yourself.

My father abandoned me too. Literally. When I finally caught up with him because he was very sick and his wife thought he was dying, I asked why he hadn't answered my letters or phone calls. I asked gently and lovingly, because I was sure he'd say he had missed me so much that it would hurt him to talk to me...or some fantasy like that. He literally looked at me and said, "Because I didn't feel like it." I had just spent the past seven years sobbing regularly for my Daddy, missing him EVERY day...every day, without exception. And that was the response to my loyalty no matter what he did or didn't do, and even in the face of abandonment. My God, I remember writing those long letters with an eight-year-old's hand, begging him to answer me. I feel your pain, Britney, I do.

I figured out in my mid-20s or so that I only chose men I deep down knew were going to treat me terribly AND NEVER give me all of what I wanted emotionally...because I was certain that was what I deserved. Someone who saw me as not quite enough must be the perfect man, because to my former childhood self, my Daddy had been perfect literally matter what he did (because, well, he was my father and I loved him THAT much). So no man that did pay attention to me could possibly be a worthy person. As convoluted as that may sound, I want you to think about it for just a minute, if you're willing to.

Edited July 14, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

He still feels unloved? Maybe he felt he didnt deserve my love. Maybe I was too good to him, he wasnt used to it.

He's a broken person, despite the flashy façade. People like this storm through others lives like a tornado. Little warning, just leaving damage in their wake.