Am I crazy to think this?

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

So he had a fling with me while looking for someone else? Wow

Britney...we don't know...you need to stop torturing yourself with these questions and mental images. It wasn't right. There's someone else out there for you.

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

@Wiseman2 says that's the reason he dumped me. I mean if he loved me he wouldnt have dumped me over a simple thing like this. He didnt even tell me that was the reason. He spoke with my Mom and told me he felt better, you are amazing. So why lie? I just dont believe that was the reason. 

Wiseman is wrong - you did nothing “wrong” - Don’t twist yourself into a pretzel

[Britney25]

21 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Like many have said before, there must’ve been another woman involved. And while many believe him that it’s the ex, I am more of the opinion that it’s somebody else altogether. Maybe he was multi-dating. I mean that’s pretty common. I’m not saying that I’m right, just a gut feeling

But he was invested in me like you said. I cant believe that he left for another woman. Wow.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

 I mean if he loved me he wouldnt have dumped me over a simple thing like this.

It's a factor. If you don't want to learn from  some of your factors, you'll have a lot of reruns. 

He stated it was his ex.  That's his factor. 

And  learn that men will not jump through endless hoops or 'fight for you' when you are so casual and keep them so distant..

That's rom-com stuff.

Edited July 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Britney25]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a factor. If you don't want to learn from  some of your factors, you'll have a lot of reruns. 

He stated it was his ex.  That's his factor. 

And  learn that men will not jump through endless hoops or 'fight for you' when you are so casual and keep them so distant..

That's rom-com stuff.

Huh? 4 months he was with me and you're telling me I was distant? You're blaming me for his behavior of pulling away? Hes a 40yrs old Man and should have told me earlier the second or 3rd month that this isn't working for me. He didn't.  Answer me please why then if that was the reason? I even told me 2 weeks ago I want you to meet my Mom he smiled and was happy, but disappeared on me and eventually broke it off saying he has feelings for his ex and doesnt want to marry in the future. So why didnt he tell me about the house thing?? Why would he keep lieing then?? I baked for him, I did a lot of g/f things. I supported him. It wasn't just sex. 

What endless hoops? If he really loved me and he wouldnt leave me. He just wouldn't. If he envisioned a future with me he wouldnt leave me. You said yourself I think he came on too strong and love bombed me. So which is it sorry?

Edited July 17, 2021 by Britney25

[Britney25]

I'm more confused now then ever

 Was it a romance? Was it another woman? Did he get mad about me not inviting me him over even thou he later said Ok I understand I dont want to loose you. That was the 3rd month. So was he lieing?

[Britney25]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. He's been married before so he's not adverse to commitment.

He just didn't want to go further due to incompatibility

No he was not ok with someone keeping him at arms length. You live 10 min. away and would never invite him over.

He may have said fine but that behavior was registered, including getting your mother on the phone.

Either you're serious or you're not and you were not serious enough to even introduce him.

You kept yourself/your life a secret and that's a huge turn off. That is something you can learn for the future.

Either go on flings or get serious. Up to you.

How did I keep my life secret when I met up with him whenever you wanted. Especially when he knew my parents live there. I met with him last minute anytime he wanted if I didnt have anything happening. Omg if that was the reason he would've have ended it earlier.  Like he said himself. He said I love our connection and vibe I think you're amazing I dont want to loose you. He said that. So it cant be that reason. Its cant.

[basil67]

There is likely no single reason, rather it would be a combination of things.   And yes, not being invited to the home of the person we are dating is likely one of the things which ultimately changed his mind. 

[jspice]

57 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Omg that makes me feel very sad. I am guilty ? But if he loved me he would of waited. NOT LEFT ME. Anyone else agree? 

No. Look, this man didn’t love you. 
He left you. He may be with someone else. He may not. It’s not because you didn’t invite him home. He called your mother to confirm you’re single. This is all very childish. Both of you. Just stop. 
 

Your reaction here is why people ghost others. Nobody wants to go through this kind of fallout. 

[Avatine]

Wiseman, he didnt share anything with her about his ex or prior life. She doesnt even know how long they were married. No way he cared about not meeting the family. He was playing a role and having fun and from the beginning it had an expiration date. Probably first night he went out, planned the whole thing. Start the fade on month 3. If you dont think this is common, it is.  Britney, it's great you had fun and feel like you can love someone. You have to date a lot more guys to find one you want. This one was a practice. 

[Amanda92]

• It's not your fault. No matter what you had done, it wouldn't work anyway.
• God has another plan for you. Trust Him.
• Nobody knows what this guy thought and you will NEVER know.
• Stop asking these questions and just accept this it's over.
• It's normal that people feel something and then it's gone and they break up.
• You are not ready to start a relationship.
• Every relationship could end. Even marriage. It's not the end of the world.
• Most people need several relationship to find the one.
• You need to go to therapy. It's not a shame, you NEED to do it if you want to have family.
• You achieved a lot while fighting with anorexia. Try to eat and don't give up. Don't punish yourself.
• As long as you will avoid eating and going to therapy, you will need more time to recover.
• You are valuable no matter if you are in a relationship or not.
• Your most important relationship is your relationship with YOURSELF.
• Care about yourself the way you would care about your baby. Would you let they to be hungry and think so bad about themselves?
• You will be able to start a healthy relationship only when you love yourself.
• Believe in yourself. You are important. Stop punishing yourself and asking about attention.
• People can be wrong, can make mistakes and change mind. Nobody is perfect. Accept yourself and be kind for yourself.
• Listen to Christian songs. "Stand in your love" and "Trust in you" are my favorite. God loves you, don't forget about this power.

[Britney25]

3 minutes ago, Avatine said:

Wiseman, he didnt share anything with her about his ex or prior life. She doesnt even know how long they were married. No way he cared about not meeting the family. He was playing a role and having fun and from the beginning it had an expiration date. Probably first night he went out, planned the whole thing. Start the fade on month 3. If you dont think this is common, it is.  Britney, it's great you had fun and feel like you can love someone. You have to date a lot more guys to find one you want. This one was a practice. 

Yeah cant believe he played with my heart. I really did like him. I was falling in love with him. I was.

[Britney25]

Just now, Amanda92 said:

• It's not your fault. No matter what you had done, it wouldn't work anyway.
• God has another plan for you. Trust Him.
• Nobody knows what this guy thought and you will NEVER know.
• Stop asking these questions and just accept this it's over.
• It's normal that people feel something and then it's gone and they break up.
• You are not ready to start a relationship.
• Every relationship could end. Even marriage. It's not the end of the world.
• Most people need several relationship to find the one.
• You need to go to therapy. It's not a shame, you NEED to do it if you want to have family.
• You achieved a lot while fighting with anorexia. Try to eat and don't give up. Don't punish yourself.
• As long as you will avoid eating and going to therapy, you will need more time to recover.
• You are valuable no matter if you are in a relationship or not.
• Your most important relationship is your relationship with YOURSELF.
• Care about yourself the way you would care about your baby. Would you let they to be hungry and think so bad about themselves?
• You will be able to start a healthy relationship only when you love yourself.
• Believe in yourself. You are important. Stop punishing yourself and asking about attention.
• People can be wrong, can make mistakes and change mind. Nobody is perfect. Accept yourself and be kind for yourself.
• Listen to Christian songs. "Stand in your love" and "Trust in you" are my favorite. God loves you, don't forget about this power.

God bless you!! This is beautiful.  True at least I loved him. I really gave him my heart. I had pure intentions. I wish him well.

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I'm more confused now then ever 

That's what happens when you solicit opinions from an advice forum, everyone has a different opinion based on their own experience or projections or whatever (including myself).

Now after what is now 71 pages which may be some sort of record, you are more confused than ever!

Which is why I suggested leaving the thread and reading books by reputable psychologists and the like whose knowledge comes from actual case study not from their own experiences and projection.

And learning!!  And then taking what you have learned and applying it to real life experiences and learning even more!

Again, not sure why you're not doing that.

Not to belittle the advice everyone has offered, and all the time everyone has devoted to trying to help you, but this is getting a bit silly now.

 

Edited July 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Britney25]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's what happens when you elicit opinions from an advice forum, everyone has a different opinion based on their own experience or projections or whatever (including myself).

Now after what is now 71 pages which may be some sort of record, you are more confused than ever!

Which is why I suggested leaving the thread and reading books by reputable psychologists and the like whose knowledge comes from actual case study not from their own experiences and projection.

And learning!!  And then taking what you have learned and applying it to real life experiences and learning even more!

Again, not sure why you're not doing that.

I ordered the book poppy. 

God bless you thank you for your time. And thank you to everyone here. Thank you. 

[Alvi]

Britney, you are such a beautiful and loving soul. Unfortunately loving souls often get hurt more easily. You focusing on the wrong thigs. You need to concentrate on yourself. You need to go on with your life. This chapter of your life is over. Accept it and go on. The sooner the better. Cry your eyes out, get mad at him and go living your life. The sooner the better. Get some consoling. 

I don't believe that any of us on LS are psychics. We can only speculate, none of us can tell you with a 100% clarity as to why he left you. But if you knew for sure what made him change his mind about dating you, would it really be that helpful? Would it make it easier for you to move on or would it lead to even more questioning and despair?  Let's say you learn that he was cheating on you with another woman. What would you do with that info? How useful will it be? Probably not that useful. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

I ordered the book poppy. 

God bless you thank you for your time. And thank you to everyone here. Thank you. 

Fabulous!  If it's the one I suggested, I think you will enjoy it and learn a lot, I did.  It's a fun easy read too.

And you're very welcome! 💛

[Pumpernickel]

What book? I need a good read. 

[Britney25]

4 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Britney, you are such a beautiful and loving soul. Unfortunately loving souls often get hurt more easily. You focusing on the wrong thigs. You need to concentrate on yourself. You need to go on with your life. This chapter of your life is over. Accept it and go on. The sooner the better. Cry your eyes out, get mad at him and go living your life. The sooner the better. Get some consoling. 

I don't believe that any of us on LS are psychics. We can only speculate, none of us can tell you with a 100% clarity as to why he left you. But if you knew for sure what made him change his mind about dating you, would it really be that helpful? Would it make it easier for you to move on or would it lead to even more questioning and despair?  Let's say you learn that he was cheating on you with another woman. What would you do with that info? How useful will it be? Probably not that useful. 

So beautiful.  You have touched me.

Thank you. Yes I will try hard. I already feel much better. 

Thank you. Hugs

[Amanda92]

I also recommend "Your erroneous zones". It's free on the Internet. I am also on therapy and I just regret I didn't start several years earlier. Trust me, you really need it and it can help.

Please listen to positive meditation before going to sleep and write in a notebook 3 things you like about yourself.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

What book? I need a good read. 

"A Fine Romance : The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage" -- by Dr. Judith Sills, Ph.D.

It's a timeless classic.

She also wrote "Excess Baggage - Getting Out of Your Own Way" which I have also read.

Below is a summary:

Where is this thing called love? And how do you get there from here? For many it's an elusive goal that's over even before it has a chance to start -- but it doesn't have to be. In A FINE ROMANCE, nationally recognized psychologist Dr. Judith Sills shows how the whole agonizing and exhilarating process of love actually develops between two people -- and how the rules of successful courtship can be learned and mastered.
Dr. Sills covers all the skills you need to develop the right relationship in the areas of intimacy, compromise, and commitment. She also takes you step-by-step through the five stages of a relationship:
* SELECTION -- when you actively or passively choose a partner.
* SEDUCTION -- the dating days when you and your partner decide if the relationship is romantic, platonic, or dead.
* SWITCH -- that uncomfortable period when the pursuer backs off just as the partner responds.
* NEGOTIATION -- when you both acknowledge your differences and try to find a decent way to fight about them.
* COMMITMENT -- the negotiation to marriage.
There is no one right person. There is only your ability to give and receive love. This book will help lovers learn how to do just that.

***

Pay special attention to what's bolded -- SWITCH.  People dismiss it, but it's actually quite common and it's important to understand how to handle this stage and not freak out.  Dr. Sills explains.

ENJOY!!!

Edited July 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

The Untethered Soul is a good one too.

Good luck Britney!

[Britney25]

Is The Rules a good book?

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Britney25 said:

Is The Rules a good book?

No toss that one in the garbage and other books discussing "rules."   The two women who wrote it were looking to make a buck, and boy did they ever!.  

Everyday girls like you and me.  Except they probably don't even have a college degree.  

That book gives you a lot of silly outdated "how to" rules to follow but it won't teach you anything of value and you won't learn a damn thing -  about romance, love, relationships like the book I recommended, and others like it.

Another book to avoid imo is one that is often recommended even on this forum - "He's Just Not That Into You," that book was written by two men (nobody's) who were looking to make a buck, and that's all IMHO.

One important thing to remember is that every man you date and every situation will be different.

That is why I don't care for those two books, they are written like we are all basically robots following some arbitrary script.

That is not how romance, love and relationships work.

Again, my opinion.

 

 

 

Edited July 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

A girl needs to "write  her  own book" on dating and romance. Ive learned  by trial and error, many many errors, lol. We  have  so much love  in our  hearts and it  can cause  a wild  ride at times and  a  book wont  do much to help you.

I think books can help you, but NOT those two books.  But books written by reputable authors, YES, absolutely, knowledge is power.

That said, I do agree that both women and men should create their own dating "rules" as they go along, depending on whomever they're dating and the particular situation versus following the "script" provided in those two books (The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You).

We are not robots, but rather unique individuals with our own thoughts, feelings/emotions and styles.

Edited July 17, 2021 by poppyfields