*Met a Cute Guy. Next Step?*

[Dis]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

I relate. I wouldn’t see this man again. He’s a bit deluded about what divorce means. Having been through the one year separation and the divorce proceedings myself revisiting and tying up loose ends legally/financially/mentally/emotionally and sealing that door, let me tell you… that is a bloody badge you wear with pride. If someone comes along separated pretending to be divorced already he would not have my respect. 

Good for you for thinking on your feet and looking up his case.

I just had a feeling...I swear my intuition has gotten so strong...it goes like this...I start to get turned off/my feelings for that person drop off and right after that things like this happen...things dissolve 

 

And you have a good point and that's why I told him there's a big difference between separated and divorced. 

 

He also still lives in their house with her....he says he has the top floor and he will be moving out late this month/early next month

 

He's not at all relationship material but I'll go out with him for fun seeing as I'm kinda hung up too 

[Miss Spider]

Aw well that sucks. Oh well 

[glows]

What is it you’re hung up about? Is it your ex or random things about the past relationship? Those memories fade over time and become acceptance and care. I lost that anger towards my ex. There’s some care but it’s as for your fellow man/woman. I think it’s great to keep seeing him armed with knowing what you know but I’m not sure I’d be good at that. 

That stage of separation (not even separated completely) is at its infancy and his divorce process has not even begun. You may be dealing with someone who is very angry or has bursts of sadness or feels confused about his situation so be prepared for hot/cold. See how it goes.

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, Dis said:

I think because I still love my ex I'm not opening my heart to anyone else...that's what a friend said. Another friend said I'm not going to move on from him until I meet someone really special.

I went through this cycle too. I broke up with someone and for a few years after that I couldn't truly move on. Sure, I dated, even made boyfriends of some of them, but deep down there was just a part of myself emotionally I couldn't give.  I knew the ex was no good, but I still couldn't truly let him go. I would start to nitpick the new guy pretty quickly and would disconnect myself whenever they got too close. It was like there was this grey cloud over me that wouldn't budge no matter how much I wanted it to. Then I met my husband and the moment I saw him, that cloud started to move and it blew my mind! How did this guy snap me out of it? What magical power did he possess to pull me out of this toxic trance I had been under for so long when I didn't  know a thing about him? But the chemistry was there physically, mentally, and emotionally, and it only kept building. 

So your friends may be right, you may have to meet someone who really wows you before you can truly move on, or it may just have to cooincide with your heart deciding its ready to give itself to another. But unfortunately these things cannot be forced, much as we'd like them to be.   

[Dis]

53 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I went through this cycle too. I broke up with someone and for a few years after that I couldn't truly move on. Sure, I dated, even made boyfriends of some of them, but deep down there was just a part of myself emotionally I couldn't give.  I knew the ex was no good, but I still couldn't truly let him go. I would start to nitpick the new guy pretty quickly and would disconnect myself whenever they got too close. It was like there was this grey cloud over me that wouldn't budge no matter how much I wanted it to. Then I met my husband and the moment I saw him, that cloud started to move and it blew my mind! How did this guy snap me out of it? What magical power did he possess to pull me out of this toxic trance I had been under for so long when I didn't  know a thing about him? But the chemistry was there physically, mentally, and emotionally, and it only kept building. 

So your friends may be right, you may have to meet someone who really wows you before you can truly move on, or it may just have to cooincide with your heart deciding its ready to give itself to another. But unfortunately these things cannot be forced, much as we'd like them to be.   

Thanks so much for sharing this, it makes me want to pour my heart out so...I will....

 

When I told a friends I wanted to break up with my now ex he said, you sure you want to do that because you'll have a tough time finding someone as good as him. And I knew I would. I just didn't know my heart would still belong to him like this...so full of love for him like this even months after the the point where, like you said, I can't give my whole self to anyone new because my heart belongs to him. My ex is the most kind, loving, selfless man. He sacrafices so much for everyone in his life, me, his son, his patients. He has a heart of gold. Not a bad bone in his body. He is so d*mn funny too. He lightened me up every day which I need because I'm a heavy hearted person. He calmed me, assured me, took care of me. And I just can't let him go. (okay, crying now). And he can't let me go. We still hang out all the time. We text all the time. He says he will run the risk of getting hurt when I find someone new just so he can be in my life for a little longer. Ughhhh. This is just so sad. I just can't believe I found someone so wonderful only for things to end because he has a kid and I couldn't do it. We lay in bed at night and we both cry because we're so good for each other besides the kid issue which yes, it was glaring. Just figures I meet what could be the love of my life only for him to have a kid I couldn't deal with. It just seems so unfair. 

 

We work in the same building and see each other a fair amount so I'm working on getting a new job because I know that's the only way I can move on from him because the way it is now is we hang out after work and some days off and if I don't get a new job this will never end. It's the live apart, going nowhere relationship....and it's the saddest thing. 

 

I know it won't work...we both know that. That's why I want to keep my options open and see other people but my heart won't warm up to anyone but him....the person I can't have. Ironic and torturous. I want to feel things for someone else but they all don't even seem real to me, they just seem like hollow people I feel nothing for. I mean, maybe one of them could've been really well suited for me but I wouldn't have even seen it with my heart being tied up like this. I don't know  

[Miss Spider]

That’s really sad to hear 😫 My heart goes out to you guys

You could very well just be stuck on him. Tbh though, dis, it’s hard to say if it really is just him or just a mood. Because from what you wrote about these guys, you aren’t being overly picky or dismissing them for no good reason. Sorry, but sounds like the last guy was a dork with no game who lied about his marital status. You were perfectly right for losing interest in that, I noticed when  I started thinking this way, “I’ll never find anyone I like again” it’s after a few “bad” dates where there’s no click at all. I remember swiping through apps like “nope, no, NO, no” It just seemed like nothing was ever going to work out , but then the drought passes and you find peoplr you like. So hang in there and stay open to things but don’t make it your main focus. It will happen 💚💚

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[princessaurora]

5 hours ago, Dis said:

Thanks so much for sharing this, it makes me want to pour my heart out so...I will....

 

When I told a friends I wanted to break up with my now ex he said, you sure you want to do that because you'll have a tough time finding someone as good as him. And I knew I would. I just didn't know my heart would still belong to him like this...so full of love for him like this even months after the the point where, like you said, I can't give my whole self to anyone new because my heart belongs to him. My ex is the most kind, loving, selfless man. He sacrafices so much for everyone in his life, me, his son, his patients. He has a heart of gold. Not a bad bone in his body. He is so d*mn funny too. He lightened me up every day which I need because I'm a heavy hearted person. He calmed me, assured me, took care of me. And I just can't let him go. (okay, crying now). And he can't let me go. We still hang out all the time. We text all the time. He says he will run the risk of getting hurt when I find someone new just so he can be in my life for a little longer. Ughhhh. This is just so sad. I just can't believe I found someone so wonderful only for things to end because he has a kid and I couldn't do it. We lay in bed at night and we both cry because we're so good for each other besides the kid issue which yes, it was glaring. Just figures I meet what could be the love of my life only for him to have a kid I couldn't deal with. It just seems so unfair. 

 

We work in the same building and see each other a fair amount so I'm working on getting a new job because I know that's the only way I can move on from him because the way it is now is we hang out after work and some days off and if I don't get a new job this will never end. It's the live apart, going nowhere relationship....and it's the saddest thing. 

 

I know it won't work...we both know that. That's why I want to keep my options open and see other people but my heart won't warm up to anyone but him....the person I can't have. Ironic and torturous. I want to feel things for someone else but they all don't even seem real to me, they just seem like hollow people I feel nothing for. I mean, maybe one of them could've been really well suited for me but I wouldn't have even seen it with my heart being tied up like this. I don't know  

Wow, your guy was not toxic like mine, so I can see why you are having a really hard time moving on. Mine was a jerk and it still took forever. But I totally feel what you're saying. It doesn't feel real. It's like you're there physically, but nothing more. It's like you're trying to find a way to fill that void but it remains empty.

It didn't make any sense. All of these attractive, smart, great guys, and I felt nothing.  I don't know if my heart was just burnt out on the ex and finally gave in or if it was that my now husband checked off some additional box they didn't but it was truly love at first sight. The ex even tried to come back in my life shortly after that and I shut it down, something I never thought I'd be able to do. 

But you guys are still in touch and that is not helping. I had distance from mine and only saw him every now and then, but it was like a setback whenever I did, even though I always brought a friend so I wouldn't do anything stupid. And your guy is not a bad guy, so that is a tough one. But distance will help and stop setting you back. Out hearts can't heal if we have constant exposure to the thing that's broke it. 

But one day when the time is right  you'll meet someone who just snaps you out of it and the sun will come out again. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me, though in the end it was totally worth it. ❤️

[Dis]

On 8/18/2021 at 8:54 AM, princessaurora said:

Wow, your guy was not toxic like mine, so I can see why you are having a really hard time moving on. Mine was a jerk and it still took forever. But I totally feel what you're saying. It doesn't feel real. It's like you're there physically, but nothing more. It's like you're trying to find a way to fill that void but it remains empty.

It didn't make any sense. All of these attractive, smart, great guys, and I felt nothing.  I don't know if my heart was just burnt out on the ex and finally gave in or if it was that my now husband checked off some additional box they didn't but it was truly love at first sight. The ex even tried to come back in my life shortly after that and I shut it down, something I never thought I'd be able to do. 

But you guys are still in touch and that is not helping. I had distance from mine and only saw him every now and then, but it was like a setback whenever I did, even though I always brought a friend so I wouldn't do anything stupid. And your guy is not a bad guy, so that is a tough one. But distance will help and stop setting you back. Out hearts can't heal if we have constant exposure to the thing that's broke it. 

But one day when the time is right  you'll meet someone who just snaps you out of it and the sun will come out again. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me, though in the end it was totally worth it. ❤️

Yesss, I feel like my heart is checked out. I feel like it's burnt out and if it's going to feel anything it's going to be for my ex or for someone who just blows me away...which has yet to happen

 

Yes the fact that we see each other all the time really doesn't help and even if we don't hang out I still see him all the time at work because I supervise the building and have to work with him directly every day. So it's not even like either of us has a chance to really heal and distance ourselves. 

 

Thanks so much for all of this because it's everything I'm feeling and I think, like you, that the only way I'll really move on is when I meet someone really, really special. How could it happen any other way when my ex was so amazing? I just end up comparing and feeling nothing. I honestly can't wait to move on, but I know I won't until I get a new job and meet someone amazing...like when I see him and hear him...I'll know 

[Dis]

On 8/18/2021 at 3:33 AM, Cookiesandough said:

That’s really sad to hear 😫 My heart goes out to you guys

You could very well just be stuck on him. Tbh though, dis, it’s hard to say if it really is just him or just a mood. Because from what you wrote about these guys, you aren’t being overly picky or dismissing them for no good reason. Sorry, but sounds like the last guy was a dork with no game who lied about his marital status. You were perfectly right for losing interest in that, I noticed when  I started thinking this way, “I’ll never find anyone I like again” it’s after a few “bad” dates where there’s no click at all. I remember swiping through apps like “nope, no, NO, no” It just seemed like nothing was ever going to work out , but then the drought passes and you find peoplr you like. So hang in there and stay open to things but don’t make it your main focus. It will happen 💚💚

This is so sweet and thank you  

 

I agree, these guys weren't all that great anyway.... Kind of reassures me though because I know at least when I do meet someone really special, hopefully I'll open up again. I just need to get out of my current job and into a new world of possiblities. I can't stay where I'm at. Feels like purgatory and even though I don't want to let go of my ex, I'd be so much happier moving onto new scenery and new people. I'm not even actively looking right now because I know my heart isn't in the right place for it. I have a good feeling about getting a new job though. I think it will be a new start in all the ways I want it to be 💖

[poppyfields]

Dis, given the strong feelings between you and your ex, still, I don't get how you can walk away from that?  And why would you want to?

The way you talk about him, even now, he is "it" for you, and it appears it's mutual too!  

Ok, living together at this point in time didn't work, the kid was a nightmare for you, but could you not live separately and see your bf on the days/ nights/ weekends he doesn't have his son?

His son isn't gonna be a needy, loud, rambunctious child all his life, maybe 3-4 more years, after which he will begin becoming more independent and not such a nightmare. 

Then you can revisit living together, even marriage if that's what you both want. 

I dunno, when two people love each other, they make it work.  That's my belief. 

Something to consider?  I don't envision you meeting another man who rocks your world, when your ex is actually the one who rocks your world right now.

I just want what's best for you Dis, and the way you literally rave about him - he's thoughtful, caring, considerate, AMAZING, he seems like he IS the best for you. 

Like I said, his son (the reason you ended things) isn't gonna be a loud, annoying, rambunctious kid forever, a few more years tops. 

Live separately till then and love each other, be happy!

Am I wrong?  

 

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Dis, given the strong feelings between you and your ex, still, I don't get how you can walk away from that?  And why would you want to?

The way you talk about him, even now, he is "it" for you, and it appears it's mutual too!  

Ok, living together at this point in time didn't work, the kid was a nightmare for you, but could you not live separately and see your bf on the days/ nights/ weekends he doesn't have his son?

His son isn't gonna be a needy, loud, rambunctious child all his life, maybe 3-4 more years, after which he will begin becoming more independent and not such a nightmare. 

Then you can revisit living together, even marriage if that's what you both want. 

I dunno, when two people love each other, they make it work.  That's my belief. 

Something to consider?  I don't envision you meeting another man who rocks your world, when your ex is actually the one who rocks your world right now.

I just want what's best for you Dis, and the way you literally rave about him - he's thoughtful, caring, considerate, AMAZING, he seems like he IS the best for you. 

Like I said, his son (the reason you ended things) isn't gonna be a loud, annoying, rambunctious kid forever, a few more years tops. 

Live separately till then and love each other, be happy!

Am I wrong?  

 

 

You know what poppy? I consider this all the time. No joke. 

 

Why give up someone who seemed tailor made to be my partner. Someone who seemed like he was every single thing I would want in a man. Let's be honest, this man is a saint. No joke. If I could dream up all the qualities I want in a guy, he would embody almost every one of them. I can't stop loving him because of that. 

 

But if I've learned anything dating a single dad, I've learned his son is 50% of him. There is no having a single parent without having their kid. So...what happens when you can't stand the kid? I got put on blast for that but just for the sake of being honest and putting everything out there...dealing with his son made me so miserable to the point where I saw my doctor and went on anti depressants because I was that unhappy. You have to keep in  mind his custody schedule. He has his son on all his days off....and that means there is little to no reprieve from his son and that drove me to a very low point while living with him. There was no time for us, no breathing, just suffocation. 

 

I don't like having my partner having to divide his time between me and his kid. I want to be able to go on weekend getaways when we want to, I want to be able to curl up on the couch and watch a movie without a third wheel, I want to be have that 'it's us against the world' type of dynamic without, 'it's me and my kid, take it or leave it' type of deal. 

 

So while my ex might have been the perfect man, what came along with him was unbearable for me. 

 

Plus my ex is sick. He has a host of health problems and will not live a long life. I've waited this long, why settle for someone who's going to leave me a widow by the time I'm 65. I'm not kidding...that's probably how it would pan out. He even says it. 

 

So yeah, I found a great guy....or so it seems. But there's more than meets the eye. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Dis

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Dis said:

You know what poppy? I consider this all the time. No joke. 

 

Why give up someone who seemed tailor made to be my partner. Someone who seemed like he was every single thing I would want in a man. Let's be honest, this man is a saint. No joke. If I could dream up all the qualities I want in a guy, he would embody almost every one of them. I can't stop loving him because of that. 

 

But if I've learned anything dating a single dad, I've learned his son is 50% of him. There is no having a single parent without having their kid. So...what happens when you can't stand the kid? I got put on blast for that but just for the sake of being honest and putting everything out there...dealing with his son made me so miserable to the point where I saw my doctor and went on anti depressants because I was that unhappy. You have to keep in  mind his custody schedule. He has his son on all his days off....and that means there is little to no reprieve from his son and that drove me to a very low point while living with him. There was no time for us, no breathing, just suffocation. 

 

I don't like having my partner having to divide his time between me and his kid. I want to be able to go on weekend getaways when we want to, I want to be able to curl up on the couch and watch a movie without a third wheel, I want to be have that 'it's us against the world' type of dynamic without, 'it's me and my kid, take it or leave it' type of deal. 

 

So while my ex might have been the perfect man, what came along with him was unbearable for me. 

 

Plus my ex is sick. He has a host of health problems and will not live a long life. I've waited this long, why settle for someone who's going to leave me a widow by the time I'm 65. I'm not kidding...that's probably how it would pan out. He even says it. 

 

So yeah, I found a great guy....or so it seems. But there's more than meets the eye. 

Ok Dis, thanks for explaining, I understand.

I was looking at it through my own lens - I'd rather have a man I'm in love with and  the "right" fit for me 50% of the time than no man at all or a man not quite so right for me 100% of the time. 

And who knows, as his son grows and becomes more independent, less needy and annoying, you may even learn to like him.

But that's me!  You do you!  It's your life, your needs, so you do what's best for you!  I get it.

It's sad though, cause imo a love like that is so rare and precious; I truly TRULY hope you will find the man who can fulfill your dreams Dis, you have A LOT to give.

Peace and love. ❤️

Edited August 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

On 8/3/2021 at 12:16 PM, Dis said:

My question is.... 

 

Why do guys always say things like this..."Would be nice to find a women who wasn't overly emotional and doesn't flip out over burning pasta sauce" or "I don't get why women have to be so over the top with emotions" or "If I have to date another crazy chick"

 

I get there's truly crazy women out there but why do men have to view women that way? Women are women...emotions and all. Don't know why men expect women to men in that sense. They want the a$$ and boobs just not the emotions that go along with what makes us women. 

 

My exs said similar things but then ended up tolerating me just fine and I'm a little crazy...I was the one who ended up leaving. 

 

Is this just guy talk or something bigger? 

The only guys who'd say that are guys who've only been with unstable women.  There are a lot of good women out there with their heads screwed on.  Perhaps all the guys you've been with are attracted to women who cause drama?

 

 

[Dis]

On 8/24/2021 at 6:32 AM, poppyfields said:

Ok Dis, thanks for explaining, I understand.

I was looking at it through my own lens - I'd rather have a man I'm in love with and  the "right" fit for me 50% of the time than no man at all or a man not quite so right for me 100% of the time. 

And who knows, as his son grows and becomes more independent, less needy and annoying, you may even learn to like him.

But that's me!  You do you!  It's your life, your needs, so you do what's best for you!  I get it.

It's sad though, cause imo a love like that is so rare and precious; I truly TRULY hope you will find the man who can fulfill your dreams Dis, you have A LOT to give.

Peace and love. ❤️

He was the right fit for me in our lives aside from him son 90% of the time. But because he was the right fit for  me when we had his son 0% of the time....that knocked our compatibility down quite a bit. 

 

I get what you're saying about compromises for the sake of finding a true, deep connection but I was just so miserable around his kid (who we had on all our days off with the exception of a few date nights), that special love we had wasn't worth the price I had to pay 

 

I'm lonely but I'm much happier on my own in a living environment I enjoy and can actually relax in. My home life was pure hell living with my ex. I would dread my days off and that's no way to live. The only time I felt sane and content was at work but then the days leading up to getting his son back, those became miserable too. 

 

But I get what you're saying and I do wish I could change my perspective on this. I wish I could like his kid but the truth was there aren't a lot of people in the world I liked less than his son. His voice ended up grating on me so much (he never stopped talking) I had to wear ear buds in the house and then just gave up and eventually just locked myself in the bedroom. His son would shoot me dirty looks over his shoulder and I would ask him to stop, it made me so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit in the living room with my ex. My ex would defend that behavior so it didn't stop. The temper tantrums he's throw were epic and he would never lift a finger even with age appropriate requests like to get himself a snack or put his used cup in the sink. He would literally sit 2 feet away from my ex and play video games from sun up to sun down so he was always right next to him. There was no break. When I was a kid, at his age, I went out into the yard and played, or played in my room, or I was at a friends house, or an after school activity. I wasn't in my parent's hair half as much. I developed such resentment for both of them and then that spiraled into contempt....and there's no coming back from that. Just trying to give some examples of what it was like. 

 

There's just no way around it and I wish there was. Once we feel things strongly, it's hard to back peddle and I just know there's no way I'd be able to tolerate his son again even if he was older and more well behaved. I've thought about what I could change and what I could do to be able to happily be with him. I thought maybe we could just live apart and see each other when we could. But who really wants a relationship like that? I would be bored, lonely and so unfulfilled with an arrangement like that. Even my ex admits there's nothing we can do to be happy together, and as much as it hurts, I know he's right. 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Dis said:

He was the right fit for me in our lives aside from him son 90% of the time. But because he was the right fit for  me when we had his son 0% of the time....that knocked our compatibility down quite a bit. 

 

I get what you're saying about compromises for the sake of finding a true, deep connection but I was just so miserable around his kid (who we had on all our days off with the exception of a few date nights), that special love we had wasn't worth the price I had to pay 

 

I'm lonely but I'm much happier on my own in a living environment I enjoy and can actually relax in. My home life was pure hell living with my ex. I would dread my days off and that's no way to live. The only time I felt sane and content was at work but then the days leading up to getting his son back, those became miserable too. 

 

But I get what you're saying and I do wish I could change my perspective on this. I wish I could like his kid but the truth was there aren't a lot of people in the world I liked less than his son. His voice ended up grating on me so much (he never stopped talking) I had to wear ear buds in the house and then just gave up and eventually just locked myself in the bedroom. His son would shoot me dirty looks over his shoulder and I would ask him to stop, it made me so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit in the living room with my ex. My ex would defend that behavior so it didn't stop. The temper tantrums he's throw were epic and he would never lift a finger even with age appropriate requests like to get himself a snack or put his used cup in the sink. He would literally sit 2 feet away from my ex and play video games from sun up to sun down so he was always right next to him. There was no break. When I was a kid, at his age, I went out into the yard and played, or played in my room, or I was at a friends house, or an after school activity. I wasn't in my parent's hair half as much. I developed such resentment for both of them and then that spiraled into contempt....and there's no coming back from that. Just trying to give some examples of what it was like. 

 

There's just no way around it and I wish there was. Once we feel things strongly, it's hard to back peddle and I just know there's no way I'd be able to tolerate his son again even if he was older and more well behaved. I've thought about what I could change and what I could do to be able to happily be with him. I thought maybe we could just live apart and see each other when we could. But who really wants a relationship like that? I would be bored, lonely and so unfulfilled with an arrangement like that. Even my ex admits there's nothing we can do to be happy together, and as much as it hurts, I know he's right. 

Hi Dis, I think something may have gotten lost in translation because I was not talking about living together now and being around his son, now.  I was talking about continue living in your awesome new cottage, living your life and spending time with your boyfriend on the days/nights he does not have his son.  You don't ever have to deal with his son, you are a girlfriend, not the kid's mother.

That is one thing I never understood about your relationship, you moving in, playing the "mom" role, that never should have happened. And imo that was the kiss of death of your relationship.

What I propose (and yes for the sake of love the way you talk about him, how awesomely perfect he is for you!! ❤️) sure you might only be able to spend 50% of your time together, but you're an independent woman, you have a career, friends, do you really need 100% of your boyfriend's attention?   Not a dig, just trying to understand.

And again, his son is not going to be a needy, obnoxious, annoying (your words) kid forever.   Eventually he will grow into his own, become more independent and won't be sucking the life out of your boyfriend and subsequently you when the times comes, and like I said you may even start to like him.  A few more years till this happens.

Anyway, all that said, you DO have a point about backtracking, that is a very difficult thing to do. 

So I respect your decision, again you have to do what's right for you.  I just wanted to clarify where I was coming from in my last post.

I do find it sad though given your strong feelings, and the fact he's so perfect for you (again your own words), but it's your choice and again I respect it.

 

Edited August 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Dis, I think something may have gotten lost in translation because I was not talking about living together now and being around his son, now.  I was talking about continue living in your awesome new cottage, living your life and spending time with your boyfriend on the days/nights he does not have his son.  You don't ever have to deal with his son, you are a girlfriend, not the kid's mother.

That is one thing I never understood about your relationship, you moving in, playing the "mom" role, that never should have happened. And imo that was the kiss of death of your relationship.

What I propose (and yes for the sake of love the way you talk about him, how awesomely perfect he is for you!! ❤️) sure you might only be able to spend 50% of your time together, but you're an independent woman, you have a career, friends, do you really need 100% of your boyfriend's attention?   Not a dig, just trying to understand.

And again, his son is not going to be a needy, obnoxious, annoying (your words) kid forever.   Eventually he will grow into his own, become more independent and won't be sucking the life out of your boyfriend and subsequently you when the times comes, and like I said you may even start to like him.  A few more years till this happens.

Anyway, all that said, you DO have a point about backtracking, that is a very difficult thing to do. 

So I respect your decision, again you have to do what's right for you.  I just wanted to clarify where I was coming from in my last post.

I do find it sad though given your feelings, but it's your choice and again I respect it.

 

He has his son on all his days off so the only time we can spend together is midnight to when we fall asleep on the days we work and a couple nights per month. That's not enough to make me happy. The impact his custody schedule had on our lives together was massive. I mean, it's d*nm near impossible to have a relationship when you have your kid occupying almost 100% of your free time. No wonder why it didn't work. A lot of dads just have their kids maybe 2 days a week or every other weekend. So they have time to date. My ex didn't. But yeah, if he had a less restrictive custody agreement then I would work with it. 

 

So as stated above, I would honestly get 20% of his time. Nowhere close to 50%. If it was 50%, I could work with that. 

 

I really wish I felt different but I am still so shaken by living with his son, I get startled when I hear a kid yelling in the grocery store. It affected me that much. I don't even want to be around kids for a very long time because of my experiences with his son. I honestly don't think I could ever shake those feelings and revisit the possibility of being around him again but who knows. Time heals and people change. 

 

I think the biggest issue for me was my partner having to divide his time between me and another person. I didn't like the third wheel feeling. I didn't like having to do things that didn't involve just him and I. I guess when I date, I just don't want a 3rd person involved in my relationship. I didn't enjoy that. Having someone else, no matter the age of the person, interfere with your relationship is a very stressful and taxing thing. It sounds like it's not a big deal to of course compromise and understand it's for the good of the kid but actually living it out day after day is miserable for a lot of people and it sure was for me. So his son aging really won't help that aspect of it too much. Some people are well suited to date people with kids and don't mind sharing their time, but other aren't and I guess I'm just one of them....if that makes any sense. 

[poppyfields]

Fair enough Dis, thanks for clarifying further, I DO understand.   And just to know, there was no judgment from me, I want what's best for you so was proposing a possible solution, but I get it now, say no more.

And just to know, I got the 50% from what you posted earlier:

But if I've learned anything dating a single dad, I've learned his son is 50% of him.

So I interpreted that to mean 50% of his time devoted to his son, but if it's actually 80% (and 20% to you), then yeah I get it!!

Anyway, nuff said from me, continue on your journey, your "Mr. Right" will come along one of these days and he will be well worth the wait!

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough Dis, thanks for clarifying further, I DO understand.   And just to know, there was no judgment from me, I want what's best for you so was proposing a possible solution, but I get it now, say no more.

And just to know, I got the 50% from what you posted earlier:

But if I've learned anything dating a single dad, I've learned his son is 50% of him.

So I interpreted that to mean 50% of his time devoted to his son, but if it's actually 80% (and 20% to you), then yeah I get it!!

Anyway, nuff said from me, continue on your journey, your "Mr. Right" will come along one of these days and he will be well worth the wait!

 

Oops! Didn't mean to say that! lol

 

Getting a new job soon so hopefully new door will open up because I am right there with you about not wanting to do OLD. It's not doing it for me. Just way too artificial for me at this point in my life. Nothing natural and flowy about it. Can't do it anymore. I'm going to need something a little more special to feel something real again. 

[poppyfields]

Hey did you read my thread about meeting a marine biologist at the grocery store?   Check it out, we met while waiting on the horrendously long check out line, he was behind me and struck up a convo, and I was open to it and began chatting back!   We proceeded to have a very spirted conversation that lasted about 30 minutes.

He asked for my number, but I took his instead.  I haven't called him and probably won't or maybe I will, it's been about week though so may be too late. 

Gotta strike while the irons are hot, but I am going through some "things" right now so not in that great a place to call.  Too much pile on, I need a break.

But who knows maybe I will run into him again at same place or suddenly feel inspired or something!  lol

But yeah agree OLDing is not for me for so many reasons, I much prefer meeting spontaneously where there is less pressure to "connect," and if it happens, it happens, naturally and organically.

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[dispatch3d]

I noticed you nexting these guys for (what I think/would consider) trivial reasons, or just getting cold feet fast in general. After four dates you really don't know them yet, and wondered why.

 

Then I read that you still work with your ex-(husband? boyfriend?). I mean that pretty well answers whats going on. If you see your ex daily, and are interacting with him that much you aren't going to be able to move on and date other people. Yeah it might feel better... right now... to keep him in your life and not totally move on. But you also cannot date, so I don't see how his approach to a breakup is better than just going cold turkey and beginning the healing process.

[Dis]

33 minutes ago, dispatch3d said:

I noticed you nexting these guys for (what I think/would consider) trivial reasons, or just getting cold feet fast in general. After four dates you really don't know them yet, and wondered why.

 

Then I read that you still work with your ex-(husband? boyfriend?). I mean that pretty well answers whats going on. If you see your ex daily, and are interacting with him that much you aren't going to be able to move on and date other people. Yeah it might feel better... right now... to keep him in your life and not totally move on. But you also cannot date, so I don't see how his approach to a breakup is better than just going cold turkey and beginning the healing process.

Of course it doesn't make any sense lol

 

I'm not saying it does

 

Another reason why I need a new job, for sure 

[Dis]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Hey did you read my thread about meeting a marine biologist at the grocery store?   Check it out, we met while waiting on the horrendously long check out line, he was behind me and struck up a convo, and I was open to it and began chatting back!   We proceeded to have a very spirted conversation that lasted about 30 minutes.

He asked for my number, but I took his instead.  I haven't called him and probably won't or maybe I will, it's been about week though so may be too late. 

Gotta strike while the irons are hot, but I am going through some "things" right now so not in that great a place to call.  Too much pile on, I need a break.

But who knows maybe I will run into him again at same place or suddenly feel inspired or something!  lol

But yeah agree OLDing is not for me for so many reasons, I much prefer meeting spontaneously where there is less pressure to "connect," and if it happens, it happens, naturally and organically.

 

Awww the dude is probably so bummed  

 

But I get if you're not in a good place to date so you do you. So nice you keep meeting people though! The universe is flowing to you. I love that. 

 

If you see him again though he might be a little salty you didn't text though lol. Might not say it but of course he's probably disappointed. 

 

I started a new thread about losing feelings for OLD lol...

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Dis said:

Awww the dude is probably so bummed  

 

But I get if you're not in a good place to date so you do you. So nice you keep meeting people though! The universe is flowing to you. I love that. 

 

If you see him again though he might be a little salty you didn't text though lol. Might not say it but of course he's probably disappointed. 

 

I started a new thread about losing feelings for OLD lol...

Oh I don't think he would be Dis, I have an inkling men don't react the same way women do. If I had to guess I'd say he would be happy to hear from me, if just for the ego boost.  I mean it's not like I made a promise to call or anything like that.  No reason to be salty.

In fact, if he had taken MY number like he wanted to and HE waited a week, I wouldn't be salty about it, I try to not take this stuff personally, people have stuff going on, like I do, I understand that.

I am open to dating if I feel inspired.  I just have way too much on my plate right now, emotional overload.  Need a break.... from life!  lol

And nothing much inspiring me at the moment...  that's all.

I will check out your thread!!   

 

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

I am open to dating if I feel inspired.  I just have way too much on my plate right now, emotional overload.  Need a break.... from life!  lol

And nothing much inspiring me at the moment...  that's all.

I will check out your thread!!   

 

 

Soooo true! Same here! 

 

Feeling very uninspired about it as of late