Seriously considering breaking up with her. UPDATE: It's over, how do I move on?

[Usy111555]

Hi all, I'll try to keep this as short as possible!

Me and this girl were dating around 5 years ago, she seemed to like me a lot. I knew that someone else was interested in her but convinced myself that she'd only be interested in me. A few months in to the relationship, one of my friends found out that she was engaged to him.

I confronted her but she said no, although my gut feeling knew that she was lying so I stopped talking to her, she did keep messaging me afterwards but I kept ignoring her. A few months later I found out she got married, by then I had completely deleted her off everything. That was 5 years ago, she had a divorce around about 18 months into the marriage.

We got back in touch last year and are back together and things were good at first, but I am kind of having regrets about it, we did argue a few times but she seems to be committed to us as we don't argue as much now although I still feel like I can't trust her; it's almost like a gut feeling. It sometimes feels as though she wants me to chase her even though I do a lot for her already, and I have also found out that she's had quite a few boyfriends since her divorce which also makes me uncomfortable.

I think she likes it when guys pine for her but I've always been the type to never chase people, I've also noticed how she seems to talk about other guys a lot. There are times where she does seem like I mean everything to her but I can't help but feel some doubt deep down. Last week we had a really big argument, we were talking on messenger and eventually I fell asleep although my status still showed as online for some reason, she called me while I was asleep and when I didn't pick up she got annoyed, I apologised to her the next morning but she wouldn't believe me when I said I fell asleep then she went on to call me a liar and that she doesn't trust me and I told her there is no point in us being together anymore if she can't trust me but then she kept saying things like 'we should learn from this and become better'.

I was confused cos one minute she seems like she doesn't want to be with me but as soon as I argue back she seems to act like she wants me to stay. I'm really not happy anymore, I know I should start to let go as this relationship feels unhealthy but I feel too attached to her, advice on what I should do would be helpful.

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads/paragraphs

[Blind-Sided]

24 minutes ago, Usy111555 said:

... but I've always been the type to never chase people, .....

Well... before we go to far here.... you need to understand that the statement above is a lie to yourself.   You obviously "Chased" her in some degree... that's why you are back together.

Anyway... if you gut says she's no good... then that's probably the truth.  She has given you reason to not trust her... and you can't go through life with someone you can't trust.   This is why I personally have never tried to get back together with someone I broke up with.  You know what you need to do.

[d0nnivain]

She's not the girl for you.  It was wrong of her to lie to you about being engaged & you were right to break things off. 

When her marriage ended, she was free to date anybody she wanted.  You judging her for it is on you.  She didn't do anything wrong but if you can't get passed her past, just end things.  You can't successfully date somebody you don't trust & respect.  Reading between the lines you think she's attention seeking & damaged goods.  This won't work long term. 

Fighting over messenger is ridiculous.  Too much gets misinterpreted.  Pick up the phone & talk.  It cuts down on the misunderstandings.  

[mark clemson]

If your "gut" is bothering you a lot due to how she is/how she behaves, why would you sign up for (theoretically) a lifetime of that by marrying her? Seems like you could/should seek someone you feel more comfortable with and trust more.

[Usy111555]

Hi all, this is a long thread so please bear with me. I was in a relationship with a girl about 6 years ago, we were only together for around 4 months and things were going well until I found out she was engaged.

One of my friends found out and when I confronted her she denied it but I found out it was true after seeing him on her social media so I deleted her off everything even though she tried messaging me just before her wedding.

She eventually ended up getting divorced a year in to her marriage, that was around 5 years ago.

Around last year we got back in touch and we got back together as she seemed to have changed a lot, but a while in to the relationship she revealed that she did have quite a few boyfriends before then and that she had slept with a few.

I was understanding and things seemed to be going fine after and we even planned for marriage, but then I noticed how much of a rush she was in to get married and how she said she always misses me. But lately we have argued a lot and she has really wound me up to the point where I didn't want to speak to her, she knew I wanted my space but to get my attention she ended up blocking me off everything.

When I asked why she blocked me she said she didn't want me to have access to her if I can't commit to her, even though she has a lot of random guys on there! She eventually unblocked me.

My own family wasn't happy about my relationship as my mother wasn't keen on her but I eventually persuaded her to accept (I realise now how stupid I was).

A few months later, I noticed her being open again about other guys but instead of saying anything I stayed quiet. When she asked why I was quiet, she insisted that I can talk to her about anything so I told her that I wasn't happy with how open she is with other guys, she then went on to say how she didn't want to be with someone that is insecure as her ex husband was the same.

I was quite annoyed at this point as she has said herself in the past that she is insecure too and she always had mood swings and emotional issues due to her endometriosis which I was always understanding of, it hurt that she couldn't be understanding of my mental health. So then she went on to complain about me not committing to her, at this point I had enough of it and said that if she wants to end it she should do it now so she went ahead and blocked me off social media.

She didn't block my number but now I have blocked hers so she can't get in touch with me. I told my mother that we had broken up so she shouldn't get in touch with her mother to sort wedding arrangements, at that point my mom informed me that she rang her mom a couple of weeks ago but she said that she was busy and that she would ring back later which she never did.

I was tempted to unblock her and have a go at her for saying that I was the reason things weren't progressing. But I though forget it, I no longer want anything to do with her anymore.

Did I make the right decision and how do I move on?

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

You most certainly did make the right decision to break off with her.  She's a cheater and sooner or later will cheat on you if she hasn't already.  There are far more women than men so it shouldn't be hard to replace her with a girl you can trust.  Don't unblock her.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Usy111555 said:

Did I make the right decision and how do I move on?

Of course you did--that woman is a perpetual train wreck.  Leave her be--do no ever unblock her for any reason whatsoever. She can go get her attention and commitments from the harem of boys she's got.

You move on by moving on. Blocking her everywhere. Refuse to discuss her with anyone, including your family. That chapter is over and the book is closed and will remain that way. Throw yourself into something you've always wanted to do--that's how you'll meet new women who are just as passionate about the activity as you are.

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, Usy111555 said:

When she asked why I was quiet, she insisted that I can talk to her about anything so I told her that I wasn't happy with how open she is with other guys, she then went on to say how she didn't want to be with someone that is insecure as her ex husband was the same.

Yeah. Umm. Being with a cheater will make someone insecure. 

7 hours ago, Usy111555 said:

...and she always had mood swings and emotional issues due to her endometriosis which I was always understanding of...

Hmmm. I know some women with endometriosis (one of them is my daughter). While it is painful and that can cause some emotional turbulence, I've never heard anyone use it as an excuse for bad behavior. 

She's not a trustworthy partner for you, as she has already proven. Take as long as you need to get over her. Focus on yourself and your own mental health. Your situation (and mental health) will improve in her absence, trust me.

[smackie9]

Yes you made the right decision. By keeping busy and find new things to do, this will all wash away.