What should I do?

[asdfgfghjkl]

i have a bf for 4 years since high school. on the 4th year, we broke up but we continued to be friends. there’s no bad blood between us, we remained supportive with each other even though we broke up. However, he was deeply heart broken and had a fling with this girl. while having a fling, we’re still talking to each other because we’re friends. he lied about having a fling multiple times when i asked him. I trusted him because during the course of our relationship, he never lied or cheated to me. 

 

when I found out about him and his fling, I was completely heart broken. we were still talking to each other then, and I cant believe that he lied to me. I hurt him physically because I was so mad. I felt like I’ve been cheated on. Even though we’re not together anymore that time, we still talk and make each other feel loved, not in a friendly way. I’m not trying to justify that hurting him bc he lied is right, I know that I’m wrong for hurting him physically and verbally. I asked him why he lied. He said that he was heart broken and that girl helped him cope somehow, but at the same time he doesn’t want to lose me because he knows I wont talk to him if I knew he had a fling. I know, we’re both wrong. he was an a**h*** for that. and I’m somehow an abuser. 

 

I know that what I did next is wrong. I made him choose between keeping me as a friend or that girl he had a fling with while still talking to me. he had a hard time choosing. I was again hurt because that’s just a girl he had a fling with for more than a month, versus me who has been his girlfriend and best friend for 4 f***ing years. he chose me in the end tho. 

 

I wanted us to be together again. He knows that I was hurt big time. so he said that I should fix myself first before being together again. I told him I will try to heal while being together.

 

the past 4 months have been full of ups and downs. we were happy, but I cant deny that healing is easy. It’s also hard to have mu trust back. I always doubt him and think he’s cheating. I always cry for thinking that o was cheated on. I felt so insecure that my boyfriend and best friend who loved me soooo much for 4 years  lied to me for a girl he just met. so replaceable that he will have a hard time choosing between me or her.

 

I have always been heartbroken. Many times, we fight about that. I always ask him why he lied and all the other irrelevant infos I should know about them. I always ask him why he’s ask me out for lunch even though him and his fling had plans. I had so many questions. I was always mad. My heart is full of anger. 

 

most times I face all those shitty insecurities all by myself, because I feel like I should not involve him since it was my choice to get back together even if I’m not healed in the first place. But in times that I feel like I can’t handle it anymore, I always fight with him because I’m angry to the point that I cannot control it anymore. I will get angry at him even though he’s in class, or even if he’s reviewing for an exam. 

 

I felt entitled to be mad at him because he hurt me, which I know is wrong. By the time that I’m seeing improvements about my healing, he’s already drained. he’s tired and stressed because of me. and now he claims to be scared at me too because I’m always angry and that time that I hurt him physically. He said he’s afraid of my voice even if I’m not verbally abusive.  

 

I love him so much. That’s why I chose to forgive him everyday. I always try my best to not involve him with my problems which he caused. I try my best to not make him feel that his decision to get back together is worth it. He loves me so much too. he has given me so much love and understanding at first, but becomes tired of it eventually. 

 

we love each other so much but I feel like I’m causing him so much stress to the point that he said that living with me is hard. however we still really want to make it work. what should we/i do?

Edited June 28, 2021 by asdfgfghjkl
typo

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

I found out about him and his fling. I hurt him physically because I was so mad. I felt like I’ve been cheated on. I feel like I’m causing him so much stress to the point that he said that living with me is hard. 

What was the break up about? 

Do you live together? How old is he?

What do you mean "you physically hurt him"?

Did he have you arrested or get a restraining order?

If someone breaks up with you to play the field, don't stay friends. Find your own BF.

[stillafool]

[ ]  guys don't want to be with girls that scare them.

Edited June 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive gendered statement

[asdfgfghjkl]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the break up about? 

Do you live together? How old is he?

What do you mean "you physically hurt him"?

Did he have you arrested or get a restraining order?

If someone breaks up with you to play the field, don't stay friends. Find your own BF.

we broke up because I think I needed self love. we’ve been together since I was sixteen, and first broke up at twenty. he’s a year younger but a lot wiser than me. he supported me and respected my decision to be alone. We love each other sm, we did not have a fight. that’s why we remained friends.

when I confronted him that I know he’s lying to me all along and still keep on denying and asking me what I meant and watch him lie to my face, I was so mad that I slapped him and kicked him many times, and no I wasn’t arrested or anything. 

and may I add that it saddens me that I was traumatized about the lying, but now he still lies and isn’t 100% honest with me when asked about even the smallest things like battery percentage just bc he thinks that it will lead to a fight so he might as well just lie. 

I hate lying. I was just starting to heal but now even if what he lie about isnt a big deal, it’s still a lie. now, i’m thinking about all little things he lied to me about that I didnt know of lol. 

maybe it’s partly my fault for putting him in the situation to lie? is what he’s doing okay? according to him he’s lying to make things simple and not lead to a fight. idk actually. 

 

Edited June 29, 2021 by asdfgfghjkl
addition

[basil67]

2 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

maybe it’s partly my fault for putting him in the situation to lie? is what he’s doing okay? according to him he’s lying to make things simple and not lead to a fight. idk actually. 

Oh yes, this is entirely on you.   Who he sleeps with after you'd broken up was none of your business and you should never have asked the question.  It's unfortunate that he choose to lie instead of telling you to simply back off, but he's young and still learning.   

Pretty much every thing which has gone wrong here is on you.   You ended the relationship, so he was free to see whoever he liked.   You were not owed any explanation.  Giving him an ultimatum was completely out of line, and yes, cussing and hitting him IS abusive.  

If you want the relationship to continue, you must stop this drama immediately.  Apologise to him for your behaviour, promise that you'll never do it again (and don't do it again!) and lastly - express that you hope he won't be living in fear of little fights and can be himself again.

[asdfgfghjkl]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Oh yes, this is entirely on you.   Who he sleeps with after you'd broken up was none of your business and you should never have asked the question.  It's unfortunate that he choose to lie instead of telling you to simply back off, but he's young and still learning.   

Pretty much every thing which has gone wrong here is on you.   You ended the relationship, so he was free to see whoever he liked.   You were not owed any explanation.  Giving him an ultimatum was completely out of line, and yes, cussing and hitting him IS abusive.  

If you want the relationship to continue, you must stop this drama immediately.  Apologise to him for your behaviour, promise that you'll never do it again (and don't do it again!) and lastly - express that you hope he won't be living in fear of little fights and can be himself again.

we broke up and remained friends. not just friends actually but more than friends. he still asks me to go out, I always refuse because I was trying to move on. he’s so sweet to me even though he has a fling that I’m not aware of. I still love him, I’m not gonna lie. falling out of love or third party is not the reason why we broke up. who he’s seeing with after we broke up is none of mg business. but during that time there was still something between us even after we broke up because i still love him and he still loves me, and we always talk. he asks me to go out, which I refuse. sends me messages that we used to send each other when we were still together. I felt betrayed.  that was basically cheating for me that’s why I was hurt big time.

[glows]

Being young it's a lot harder walking away from someone who's not right for you. You broke up with him and you're still hanging around him. Ask yourself if that's the wisest choice - not only is he getting the benefit of your companionship, he has every right to sleep with whomever he wants or date whomever he wants. You're shooting yourself in the foot or sabotaging your own mental and emotional health. If you broke up with him, that's the time you cease communication and move on with your lives separately. 

It sounds like you broke up with him hoping to work on yourself and then come back to this later but asking someone to wait around for you while you work on your personal issues is unrealistic and unfair. Don't pay attention to someone who offers to wait either - baloney. Cut that person loose and free each other to live your lives. 

Rethink everything because I think this relationship has been toxic from the start. You're both very young with the rest of your lives ahead of you. Work on your schooling and career. Don't get sidetracked with all this.

 

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

 I felt betrayed.  that was basically cheating for me that’s why I was hurt big time.

You broke up with him.   Therefore, he did not betray you, nor did he cheat on you.   Indeed, you said above that you were trying to move on.

 

 

[asdfgfghjkl]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You broke up with him.   Therefore, he did not betray you, nor did he cheat on you. 

 

19 minutes ago, glows said:

It sounds like you broke up with him hoping to work on yourself and then come back to this later but asking someone to wait around for you while you work on your personal issues is unrealistic and unfair. 

he let my hopes up for god’s sake. I was trying to move on but deep down he’s making me think that maybe I can work on myself while even if we get back together. I’ve said before we were best friends and partners for 4 years and never did he ever lied or cheated. maybe staying in contact w each other is not a wise decision. I just thought that he can still call me anytime as he is my friend and we did not fight at all when we broke up. 

I’m not asking for him to wait on me as I improve myself, I’m wise enough to know that that’s straight up unfair. 

 

[basil67]

Well yes, he probably did want you back, but you kept telling him NO, so he finally got the message and went with someone else.  You really can't blame him for this.

 

[glows]

43 minutes ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

 

he let my hopes up for god’s sake. I was trying to move on but deep down he’s making me think that maybe I can work on myself while even if we get back together. I’ve said before we were best friends and partners for 4 years and never did he ever lied or cheated. maybe staying in contact w each other is not a wise decision. I just thought that he can still call me anytime as he is my friend and we did not fight at all when we broke up. 

I’m not asking for him to wait on me as I improve myself, I’m wise enough to know that that’s straight up unfair. 

 

You feel he misled you so is this not reason enough to let go of someone? 

It takes two to tango so both of you should have let go anyway when the break up happened. Him asking you out or flirting with you or suggesting that there is some intimacy in your talks can be seen as grossly misleading and duplicitous if he was also seeing someone else on the side so yes, I do see what you mean. Use this information anyway and move on. Don't waste your time over someone who just isn't suited to you or vice versa. Perhaps it's time to think of spending more time with other friends. This situation has long expired.

[asdfgfghjkl]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Well yes, he probably did want you back, but you kept telling him NO, so he finally got the message and went with someone else.  You really can't blame him for this.

 

please read again. I think i’ve mentioned in my original posts or other replies that he asks me to go out and let my hopes up while seeing someone that idk of. I think I’ve also mentioned that he stays that way bc he doesn't want to lose me bc he knows ill stop talking to him when i find out that he’s seeing someone who helps him move on while keeping me. 

[basil67]

Ok....the above has me really confused.  Was he still seeing her for casual sex after you officially got back together?

 

Edited June 29, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

I meant and watch him lie to my face, I was so mad that I slapped him and kicked him many times, and no I wasn’t arrested or anything.

Right now you need  mental health care, not a relationship. You can't go around assaulting people. 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

we broke up and remained friends. not just friends actually but more than friends. he still asks me to go out, I always refuse because I was trying to move on. he’s so sweet to me even though he has a fling that I’m not aware of. I still love him, I’m not gonna lie. falling out of love or third party is not the reason why we broke up. who he’s seeing with after we broke up is none of mg business. but during that time there was still something between us even after we broke up because i still love him and he still loves me, and we always talk. he asks me to go out, which I refuse. sends me messages that we used to send each other when we were still together. I felt betrayed.  that was basically cheating for me that’s why I was hurt big time.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You're either broken up or you're together. When you declare that you were broken up and simultaneously "more than friends," it really sounds to me like you wanted the freedom to do what you needed to do but wanted this man to remain emotionally enslaved to you (essentially). Such an arrangement can only end in disaster. It really bugs me that you now seem to have taken on the victim role and are determined to paint him as the villain.

The best thing for you to do going forward (in my opinion) is to completely end your relationship with this guy. Let him go. Respect his freedom to meet other women and date them if he wants to. Cease all contact with him. Focus on your own life. Getting counselling is one thing you should certainly do.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

please read again. I think i’ve mentioned in my original posts or other replies that he asks me to go out and let my hopes up while seeing someone that idk of. I think I’ve also mentioned that he stays that way bc he doesn't want to lose me bc he knows ill stop talking to him when i find out that he’s seeing someone who helps him move on while keeping me. 

He has every right to go out with someone else because you guys are technically friends

 

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Well yes, he probably did want you back, but you kept telling him NO, so he finally got the message and went with someone else.  You really can't blame him for this.

 

Also he's dating around (including you) but is not in a relationship with anyone.  He doesn't have to tell you who he sees.  He may love you because of ya'lls past but is not in love with you anymore.  Plus he probably doesn't want a girl who starts hitting him and can't control her emotions.  Yet, because of your long history he doesn't want to say goodbye and never see his friend again.

Edited June 29, 2021 by stillafool

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

I think I’ve also mentioned that he stays that way bc he doesn't want to lose me bc he knows ill stop talking to him when i find out that he’s seeing someone who helps him move on while keeping me. 

Staying friends after breaking up often backfires. Staying involved romantically with one another after breaking up is even more confusing. You were with him for a long time. He'll always have a special place in your heart, but now I think it's best if you close the door on that relationship and move forward. You don't have to block him and have absolutely no contact, but you also cannot go out on dates, send each other little love texts, and expect one another to be able to move forward. He's the only person with whom you've been in a relationship. You should both go out and date other people (when you are ready.) You probably should also speak to someone about your anger with this situation and working on how to let go in a healthy way.

[d0nnivain]

You two had a nice relationship in high school.  Call it young love or puppy love.  It's real & it's powerful but that doesn't mean it has to be forever. 

When you broke up you said you wanted to be "friends" but you didn't understand that post break up "friendship" isn't real friendship where you talk & spend time together.  Rather it's a careful balance where you can peacefully co-exist with no drama when you get back together with the old gang from HS.   Instead you thought it meant real friendship & asking about your lives.  Few people on earth have the maturity & discretion to discuss their new romances / love life with an EX.  You two certainly did not have the wisdom or experience to do that so your EX opted for what he thought was the path of least resistance -- he lied.  I'm not condoning his lying but I understood it.  Since you suspected the girl he was hanging out with was more than a friend, when he denied it, that was your cue to drop the subject & let him have his dignity.  Yet, you pushed, & pushed & made yourself annoying on the subject then you went nuts on him & accused him of dreadful things when you finally ferreted out a confession.  You would have been better served letting him save face. Whatever you think this "more than friends" thing was, it was never a new relationship where you two agreed to exclusivity so no he did not cheat on you.  Stop crying that you are the victim here. 

The part where you turned violent is totally not forgivable.  You can't date him or anyone else until you get a handle on your anger . 

The harsh reality is you are having so much trouble letting go because you two were each other's first  & the relationship with each other is all you know.  You think it's love but it's really fear.  You can't contemplate a new normal without him because he was such a big part of your life for so long.  However you are not the same people at 20 as you were at 16 & this relationship has run its course.  Change is scary & you can't fathom a future without him.  The reality is you don't have to.  He will always be your HS BF.  He will always be your 1st love.  That is true even if you never speak again.  You will forever hold part of each other in your hearts because you share a common past.  Let that be enough for now.  Stop trying to stay connected.  Disconnect on all platforms, save one, but mute him on the single social media platform you keep.  Resist the urge to call or text.  Send a holiday greeting & maybe a birthday greeting.  Offer condolences if a family member dies but stay out of each other's daily lives for now.  No more deliberate contact.  Rather, look forward to whatever your adult adventures now that you are 20 will bring.  He's your childhood past.  Leave it that way.   You can't fully live your adult life while you still desperately cling to your childhood.  Free yourself by letting go.  

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time for both of you to move on. 

The relationship ended a while ago and the rest is unnecessary, toxic drama and abuse. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

he claims to be scared at me too because I’m always angry and that time that I hurt him physically

Who could blame him?

You are lucky you didn't get yourself arrested for assault over that, OP. If he had violently attacked you, he would have wound up in handcuffs. You need to get a better handle on your anger management problem, and leave this guy alone. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

please read again. I think i’ve mentioned in my original posts or other replies that he asks me to go out and let my hopes up while seeing someone that idk of. I think I’ve also mentioned that he stays that way bc he doesn't want to lose me bc he knows ill stop talking to him when i find out that he’s seeing someone who helps him move on while keeping me. 

He's just dating and doesn't have a relationship (with you or anyone else).  You let him go and now he's dating you and others.  It's perfectly normal for a young guy to do this.  You've stated you also dated other people so what's the problem?

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

1) he lied about having a fling multiple times when i asked him. I trusted him because during the course of our relationship, he never lied or cheated to me. 

2) when I found out about him and his fling, I was completely heart broken.......I felt like I’ve been cheated on. 

3) I made him choose between keeping me as a friend or that girl he had a fling with while still talking to me. 

4) I wanted us to be together again.

5) I felt entitled to be mad at him because he hurt me,

WOW.... just WOW.   Let's go by the numbers.....

1) You were broken up... he doesn't have to tell you about his sex life.  So... it's not really lying.

2) Why?  You were broken up.  He didn't cheat on you AT ALL.

3) Why?  You were friends.... RIGHT?  A friend will support each other, not be angry doing "Normal" things. 

4) Did you tell him that?  

5) No.... you are not entitled at all.  you were no longer together... and he can sleep around with whomever he wants.  And since you were broken up... he DID NOT HURT YOU.  You are just jealous.

OK... I know in the post, you say... "We broke up"... but who did the actual breaking up?  Not that it really matters... but you need to understand... once you are broken up from someone... you can be upset, you can be jealous... but you CAN NOT take it out on someone you are calling "Your Friend."  PERIOD.

You will be best off to go no contact, and move on with your life, since you obviously can't be his friend. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

he still lies and isn’t 100% honest with me when asked about even the smallest things like battery percentage just bc he thinks that it will lead to a fight so he might as well just lie. 

He is walking on eggshells around you because he never knows what will set you off so he tells you lies because he feels the truth will set you off.  No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly angry.

[Okgal96]

20 hours ago, asdfgfghjkl said:

and I’m somehow an abuser. 

No. Not somehow. You ARE an abuser. But you admit that and that’s a start. Your next step is to leave the guy alone and seek help for yourself. Do not get involved with anyone while you are working on yourself. When you are in a better place then you can move forward. I’m telling you from experience to just leave him alone. He is scared of you, he is traumatized, he is in survival mode in this relationship. This is not because HE caused this situation, you don’t have to continue to react the way you are; YOU are causing this situation but it’s good that you are realizing this. Check out my post and see what happens in a relationship like this, the only difference is that it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend actually cheated as you were broken up